Bipolar check-in #42

Lonely and crappy. That's how I am

That's so nice. Whenever I was off the best I got were calls begging me to co me back sooner. Those did not help. I never even got a card at the place they always sent cards. I'm not sure why there, maybe they didn't know what to do with my privacy. But it was sad. I knew they cared though.

I hope you feel better soon.

At Scrabble tonight i had one excellent game and two lousy ones. But i'm glad i was even-tempered about it all as last week i was furious. Progress! We saw pretty sun all day but it was cold. I'm still mildly depressed and it makes it hard to do things so i am trying to be glad when i do small things like take out the trash. Very sleepy, long nights and long naps. Hibernation. It was funny, tonight at club one woman was wondering aloud if a word was good and repeating it over and over to try and help decide if she wanted to challenge or not and the word was YONI which means vagina! Ack! We were all giggling!

Wish I was a little closer to you and we could possibly do it together.

I will, too.

No, you're not a whiny @ss baby. Whoever said that or implied that is wrong. You've been through a lot and are hurting. You've done nothing wrong.

Yeah, I ignore my sister's texts nowadays. She is just manipulative and I don't want to put up with it because, as you said, it's exhausting.

I had to celebrate her graduation last weekend and it was awful. She was disrespectful and manipulative the whole time. She told me on Saturday that she was celebrating her graduation that day (rather than give me advance notice) and I said, "okay, but I have work to do." Then she said, "you obviously don't care about me, do you? You don't care about my achievements or anything I've done!!!" Like wtf. I should have ignored her texts and calls, but I made the mistake of responding.

She does everything at the last minute and b_tches about everything when she doesn't get her way. For example, when she dragged me to Wal-Mart to get a graduation cake, she expected them to bake it within a few hours and decorate it. I said that it doesn't work that way, so she got mad at me. And then of course, Wal-Mart said they couldn't bake a new cake on time, but that she could pick an undecorated cake and they will decorate it for you. "No! I want a new cake!" Then the lady said the cake WAS baked this morning, but my sister had to have it her way.

She ended up finding a bakery that made her a cake that day, but damn... what is wrong with a cake that was baked to order vs the same flavor cake that was baked a few hours ago???

That is so nice. I wish someone had sent me such a message. I hope your time off is restorative.

I am crossing my fingers, for you friend, that your new medication makes a positive difference with few or hopefully no side effects. You deserve relief NOW!

Moose and bpcyclist, you are both so sweet! I'll be proceeding with my book project little by little. I'll let you know if/when it is ever completed.

I would read it too. You sound like a passionate writer, esp with your blog posts and such.

I swung the other way. Nurse practitioner said to restart the prozac if I get depressed, but I don't think she expected me to have a manic episode before that happens. I don't want to restart the prozac just yet and risk going manic/mixed. I was planning to go to a ski-party tomorrow night. I don't really want to now, but I think I'll force myself. The goal is to go for 5 runs a week and have one day/week skiing with one day of rest.

I have thought of that repeatedly. Besides the fact that you occasionally write about cycling, your username is a constant reminder. .... but you wouldn't want to ride with me. I'm old now and riding a cyclocross bike with wide, knobbly tyres. I go slow.

I have also thought about just getting together at Powell's. My son wants to visit Portland and that's the one place I know for sure we'd make a pilgrimage to.

Just reading through this thread while I take a short break. Always a treat to read up on how friends are getting on.
Busy, busy with very necessary evils. Lol! I am grateful to friends who have written PMs to me and I am trying to respond as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience!
Love to All!

I am hearing rumors of a possible book being written by BirdDancer!!??

JOY TO THE WORLD!!!
I am a huge fan of BirdDancer and of her writing!!!

Oh my goodness! Now I'd better get started on it again. It might be a long time in the coming. [Is there a pushing a boulder emoji?]

Thanks Wild Coyote and bluebicycle for your kind encouragement, too!

I have written about 40,000 words for it, to date. Some of the stories need further editing, and more "meat". I do have ideas for future chapters, but they've been hard to squeeze out of my brain.

I've read several memoirs in recent years, but mine will be slightly different, for better or worse. As I wrote yesterday, there is just so much to learn during this process. Not easy!

Some of the draft content for my planned memoir is already posted in my blog, in no particular order, under the category "Short story series". Bipolar disorder is referenced in many of my stories, but I don't want a bipolar memoir. That's only part of my experience. Figurative and literal dance and flight, and all of the wonderful and dangerous things that come with them, form the main theme.

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to be over, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”
– Anonymous

“The journey between who you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.”
– Barbara De Angelis

“You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.”
– J Krishnamurti

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.”
– Satchel Paige

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.”
– Wayne Dyer quotes

“Sometimes we focus on the lyrics too much and forget to dance to the music.”
– Alexa Anderson

“World is a dance. Mindfulness is witnessing that dance.”
– Amit Ray

“Dance is more than an art form; it is life itself.”
– Marty Rubin

“Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion.”
– Martha Graham

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”
– Rumi

It's all about the journey...

Powell's is the most incredible bookstore I have ever seen anywhere in the world. I am literally in heaven there. Beyone massive. Someone got lost in the Gold Room once, freaked out because they couldn't find their way out, and dialed 911. True story. You gotta check it out, but bring a little money, you won't walk out of there empty-handed... I buy almost exclusively used books there--such deals!!!!

40,000 words is a huge accomplishment!!!! What are you looking at as a final word count, if you don't mind my inquiring?

Super excited for you!!!!

@bpcyclist: It's good to hear you sounding so well!

2 days on Risperidone. I was sluggish this morning, but my mind seems a bit less crowded. Too soon to know if this will work for me after just 2 days.

I just looked up Powell's. That place is crazy huge. It's nice to see an independent bookseller do so well in today's market, where people are "encouraged" to buy ebooks instead.

I personally prefer physical copies of books that I really enjoy because I like to collect. There's something special about being able to hold a book in your hands. But don't get me wrong... I love my kindle because I can tap on a word and look up its definition, but it's just a different experience to read a physical book.

Thanks, bpcyclist! I'm aiming for around 70,000 minimum, but I want quality over quantity.

I just free write, in the beginning. I then go back and cut out the excess (sometimes logorrhea). Yup! Then make other content improvements/additions. Again, this type of writing is fairly new to me (the last few years). Prior to that, I mostly wrote articles and marketing pieces. I've always loved storytelling, but mostly oral storytelling. It's a slightly different animal. I like to be animated. and utilize a wide range of vocal expression. More multidimensional. How best to transfer some of that into writing? I'm exploring the existing methods, but feel there is still an established constraint.

Hey, I love to dance! Dance is physical. What's going on in the brain is physical.

I also wish I could be a hummingbird for a day. Such master flyers! Amazing dancers!

I'm watching a dvd feeling down about a letter I received today. Distraction is my choice right now. Plus I have a nagging early migraine.

Sorry to hear all of that, Moose.

I hope your migraine goes away and that you don't feel as "down" tomorrow.