Bipolar check-in #42

I feel like I’m leveling out. I still have symptoms, but... it Must be the bump in lithium. I Increased it just over a week ago and I believe it’s starting to work. Can’t wait for my Pdoc appointment on Monday.

I am glad you brought it up. Hopefully they can help you with it.

Are you feeling any better MM? Did the new med (Prozac, right? I can't remember) help at all?

Lamotrigne is used in hopes of decreasing depression.

Oh, i was just asking if you had felt as though anyone was doubting you. :

No problem!

I have twice managed ok with a little cheese on a burger. Another time with some Parmesan on a Ceasar salad. That said, someone made desserts with milk as an ingredient, and it looked so good I risked it. Half of a little ramekin and I was up half the night.

I haven't tried yogurt, though I should, as I was absolutely in love with one particular kind.

It might be good to test some things, but I don't really have time to deal with consequences, and riding the bus... yeah. It's just easier to adjust what I eat...

I decided not to go to my Bible study because the pizza would just be so hard to ignore. I got jealous of my mom's pasta tonight and I had my own very exciting dinner without her pasta. I just want to go back to eating whatever I want to. But.....

I am so excited! Tonight I had 2 (homemade) hamburgers! I haven't had any meat but chicken or fish in 2 1/2 weeks and mostly it was only cod. I like cod but it gets old and the last piece I had made me sick (nasty place inside it). Red meat tasted AMAZING. If I tolerate this in 2 days I'm making meatloaf and having a baked potato with it. I'm down to 2 containers of rice in my fridge and that's no longer panic-inducing; I'm not making rice at 10 pm as I would have been even 2 days ago.

This diet lasts a long time more but this is the first big step toward the future.

oh ok. well, maybe at first I thought that, but I realize now that y'all are just concerned that I don't jump to a diagnosis because it can have a stigma. I know that you've all only had my best interest at heart. *hugs

I'm calmer, not randomly crying out of fear. I don't know if I'm just getting use to it or not. I still feel I'm going to incriminate myself and get arrested unknowingly. It's more of a "there's no use worrying about it because it's going to happen" feeling. I just have to enjoy the time with my family that I have and try not to think about it.(actually I'm getting teary right now thinking about it.) It's made it hard to do things (I sleep fully dressed, rarely shower....) because I want to be able to run if anything bad happens, because something badis going to happen (anxiety?). I'm not going to run from the police, but whatever else bad thing that's going to happen. So IDK, I'm okay with this level of paranoia. I just can't talk outside of superficially unless it's in person. I really just miss you guys but I'm doing what's best for my family. I do read here but you guys are my friends and it hurts just to watch.

On the bright side I'm spending my time learning to draw better (aka. picking up hobbies I can do in jail) and doing a lot of offline stuff (so it can't be tracked). I've come to accept this as my new stable. It's not healthy, it's hurting my relationship with my husband but I'm too embarrassed to get help because I know it's ridiculous. It'll eventually pass I hope but it's been around since at least October so IDK. I just don't understand how I can be so ****ed and no one see it.

T didn't react well when I said it's more paranoia then anxiety she said "doesn't your medication help?" I was like "Yeah, imagine without the meds." She has no idea what it's about just that I think I'm more paranoid then anxious. I did also tell her I've gone through about 10 therapists in the last 5ish years. Sorry I wrote so much.

Yes, i have this problem with just milk also. Seems i can eat every other form of dairy but milk. I don't miss milk tho. It's kind of gross.

Anxiety really bad today. I’ve had to take Valium twice. Saw my pdoc today and she’s a little worried but we’re pressing on with weaning off Seroquel. (Pdoc is finally on board with tackling my AP related weight gain). Mood remains good.

Well, went to pick up the precious Thorazine and the pharmacist refused to give it to me!!! She says it has interactions with my Seroquel (not on anymore, but in her puter) and Wellbutrin (def still on). So, now, have to hunt down doctor, which I tried to do twice today, unsuccessfully. Maybe tomorrow. He is extremely solid and reliable and instantaneous in his responses--lets me text directly with him, but I try not to abuse that. So, it must be his occasionally irresponsible assistant blowing me off or maybe she was sick. I dunno. More to follow.

That's odd, I take thorazine and wellbutrin together and my pharmacy has never said anything, hope you get it figured out

No no no no nooooooooo! I was picked at work for the stupid mentoring program!! My instincts were right!! How awful.

Well, looks like I am totally screwed... I hope I don't mess up or get too stressed out over this because there is no backing out now. Whoever I am mentoring will hopefully not hate me.

Oh, wow! What a compliment to you!

Does this mean you'll have to go into the office more often?

Love ya!

I could see you as being a very good mentor. You were obviously chosen for the task because others saw that in you, too. I'm assuming you know your job well and your experience will be valuable to the person you mentor. I know you are an amazing supporter and have always contributed excellent ideas, insight, and observations here.

I could see how anxiety could crop up with a Seroquel reduction. Keep forging ahead with the weaning process, Pookyl. You can do it! I'm glad that you are coordinating this carefully with your doctor. I hope the reductions help ease the weight gain. I'm glad your mood is otherwise good.

Yesterday, by chance, both my brother AND nephew wanted to visit me, and both did. I was actually glad nephew came almost the same time as bro, because he's a calmer counterbalance to my brother's more stressful loudness. My nephew will actually visit again today. I'll take him out to lunch and maybe go for a walk with him.

There's often a disconnect between what I wish I could do and how possible it would be. For example, auditing a class at the university. Would I stick with it? Past experience says "maybe not". If it was very inexpensive, that would be one thing, but it's $200. The positives, if I could, would be that it would give me something to do during the day (11 am until after 12), twice per week. It doesn't require I do homework or participate (just listen to the lecture). I would also learn about something useful (European Politics & Society in the 20th and 21st Centuries). I wish the registration wasn't in seven days, though. Another issue is that I also signed up for a once per week adult school French class on Tuesday evenings, starting Feb 11, which I hope I'll stick with.

Why the difficulties? The effort to get places is tough, even though neither are far away. I also have selective mild social and performance anxiety, depending on the activity/place. Again, performance issues may only apply to the French class. Obviously students at the university are 18-21, but that didn't bother me the other time I audited, years back, but that class was in a large lecture hall. Maybe this one is, too?

BirdDancer, I'd attend those classes with you.

This morning I got up at 5:00 to help with a fundraiser for my son's class. His school is hosting a basketball tournament and his class is serving breakfast to the participants. So there I was, prepping fruit while the kids were flipping pancakes. Then I zipped home to walk the dog and get ready for work. I've got an informational meeting this morning. I'm glad the weather has mellowed since we'll be out on the grounds looking at niches. This afternoon I'll be meeting with my T. I think I'm going to talk with her about the identification of triggers... I hope I remember.

Daonnachd, I really truly wish you could! It's not that I exactly need a hand to hold, but encouragement and mild support would really help. It would make it extra fun to have you in one or both of the classes.

The fruit and pancakes sound yummy!

I hope you have a good therapy session.

Got a very sweet text from my psychiatrist at 1 in the morning (I was wide awake, of course), apologizing for not having got my emails to his sometimes flaky asst. the two previsou days. Love my shrink. Anyhoo, maybe today we can get this all sorted out and finally and get me some Thorazine, though, if Christina's experience, which sounds fairly similar to mine overall, turns out to have been like mine, well, then, I guess we will move on to the sledgehammer next.

Just got back from some skiing Felt good and I'm ready to go back next week!
I'm so happy with how well I'm doing. I'm going back to work this spring/summer for my seasonal job. I'll have to look up how much I can make while still being on SSDI. The hours aren't set in stone, and the pay for my position went up quite a bit since I last worked there.

Fantastic !!!!!

I'm finally moving into the new apartment!!! Next week ! 😃 I'm so excited

This might be stupid thought .... but if your weaning off Seroquil it’s almost
a given your anxiety is going to increase. Anyone with any anxiety will always get worse coming off of something. You brain literally doesn’t know how to react so anxiety seems to be what it latches onto. What type of taper are doing ? Is it slow enough?

It can cause increase in chance of irregular heart beat. So nothing you want to take a risk of. Between now and talking to your doctor , practice coping skills, distraction or just lay in bed and stare at the wall... this activity won’t hurt you, might bore you to sleep.