I am done with my sister. She is the worst trigger in my life.

I'm kinda spamming the check-in thread about my sister, so I apologize for that. I'll just keep my sister's crap in this thread.

Basically, she triggers me. She is manipulative and probably has BPD, but of course "everyone else is the problem," not her. It's "everyone else's fault," never her fault. "Everyone else" needs a therapist. (And yes, she has literally told specific people, like my dad, that they need a therapist for their "problems," which are actually problems caused her HER own problems.)

She tries to guilt trip people all the time as a manipulation tactic to get people to do what she wants. She'll say sh_t like, "You don't love me!" or, "Why don't you care about me?" over simple things like not wanting to go to the store with her. *eye roll*

She plans everything at the last minute and gets mad when no one has time for her. If she gave people advance notice, then maybe people would have time for her??? Then she tries to change people's plans when they say they're busy. For example, "Why don't you want to go to the store with me? It takes like 2 hours. Do you not love me anymore? You obviously have favorite people in your life, and I'm obviously not one of them." WTF.

Sometimes she fake cries, too. She'll start whining and sobbing. Crocodile tears. Yet another manipulation tactic.

My mom is her enabler. She gives her money and all sorts of crap, and she gives in. In fact, apparently my sister is squirreling away $14,000 in her bank account and never told anybody about it except my mom, yet she goes around telling people she doesn't have money and needs money for sh_t. What a liar. She just likes to spend other people's money on sh_t like $400 Gucci belts. I thought she was wasting her own money this whole time, but nope, my mom was giving her money for that crap.

She just agitates me and I'm at my breaking point. My dad doesn't help the situation, either. He gets into fights with my sister (because she picks fights with him), and then they both call me separately telling me why the other is ridiculous and why I should take their side of the story instead of the other. It stresses me out.

Even when I am nice to my sister, she still treats me like dogshit. She b_tches about everything I do when I am trying to be supportive of her. It's like walking on eggshells.

Hi bluebicycle. I absolutely understand your concerns and pain about your sister's exploitation of your mother. My family has had similar concerns about "friends" of my father exploiting him, during times of weakness. Have you had a long talk with your mother about these concerns? Fighting your sister about the issue may be a losing battle. My siblings and I have found that to be the case with my father's exploitation. I can't even count how many times my brother has confronted my father's exploiters, to no avail. In the end, it's up to my father not to be exploited. In the case of your mother, I'm assuming she is of sound mind and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. My siblings and I have questioned how capable our father is, but it's difficult to reach a point when you take away someone's freedom to choose.

Forgive me for forgetting if you live with your mother or not. If you do, I suppose totally avoiding your sister may be difficult. If you don't have to come in contact with your sister, you can choose to shut her out. I know it sounds horrible, but if it is for your own best interest (psychologically, etc.) it may be a good choice. My husband and his eldest sister have basically ended their relationship, but it is not so complex as what you are facing. Their parents passed away, and his eldest sister lives very far from us. As an aside, his eldest sister has bipolar disorder, which she refuses to treat. Hubby's eldest brother doesn't talk to her either. Everyone else complains about her.It's sad!

Hi Blue, you are, indeed, in a very difficult situation.

I know, from our exchanges, this has been problematic for quite some time. I know, too, how very hard you have tried to mend your relationship with your sister. You have truly done an outstanding job of being a caring, devoted sister, only to be deeply hurt and deeply disappointed again and again. My heart aches for you.

A woman named Randi Kreger has written at least two books. They are: Walking on Eggshells and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I think the books are also available in audible formats. I have heard there is a free workbook about which I am not 100% sure. I think Randi may give talks on youtube and/or TedTalks. Many people think very highly of Randi and learn a lot from her books and her workshops. you might get something from her insights. I think you'll find quite a bit about Randi and her teachings with a search on the net if you are interested?

I think it's very healthy for you to draw a line, taking good care of yourself, while you sort this all out with your therapist. We are all here for you, too.

I have to go for now, yet will be checking back in.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can help in any way, even if you just need to download.
I am here for you! Love ya!

I'm sorry you have to go through this bluebicycle. Your sister's behavior won't stop as long as she's being enabled. I agree that having a conversation with your mom and keeping as little contact with your sister as possible is the best move to make.

Hi blue, I'm sorry you are experiencing this behavior with your sister. Sometimes we have to step away from something toxic for our own wellness. There's nothing wrong with that.

I would say it might be beneficial to remember that people grow and shift over time. Any number of things could happen in the future to bring you and your sister to a healthier place together. Maybe close the door, but remember the window for the future? I had to cut ties with my mother for 15 years or so, but we were able to reconnect recently. Don't lose hope, ok?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote ........ A woman named Randi Kreger has written at least two books. They are: Walking on Eggshells and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I think the books are also available in audible formats. I have heard there is a free workbook about which I am not 100% sure. I think Randi may give talks on youtube and/or TedTalks. Many people think very highly of Randi and learn a lot from her books and her workshops. you might get something from her insights. I think you'll find quite a bit about Randi and her teachings with a search on the net if you are interested? .......

^^^ I agree. If you haven't checked out her books, etc. I highly recommend them.

Hi bluebicycle, I agree with the others and think it's healthy for you to draw a line and step away. I am also going to check out those books by Randi Kreger.

Hey Blue, I am just getting done with my day and wanted to check in on your thread.
I am thinking of you.

Fortunately, I’ve never had to experience this with anyone from my family so I can only imagine how heart breaking it must be. But, if she is causing you this much distress, you absolutely must do what is best for your mental health. Perhaps that is cutting ties or perhaps only a break. The decision is yours. You do not deserve to be manipulated! I hope this situation improves for you in some way quickly. All my love!

Hey blue I hope you are able to cut her out of your life....

Thanks, BirdDancer.

I have talked to my mom about her enabling, as has my dad, but my sister just manipulates. She makes people feel bad when they don't give her what she wants. (Again, she does the whole, "You don't love me, do you?" crap to people, and does the crocodile tears crap.) I think that's why my mom continues to enable. I think she's afraid of not having a relationship with one of her daughters anymore.

And no, I don't live with my mom anymore. My sister is actually in the process of moving into an apartment to start her first full-time job. But I will not hang out with my mom or dad as long as my sister is around since she picks fights and manipulates. I just avoid her the best I can. However, sometimes it's unavoidable, and all that happens is I get frustrated and annoyed.

Thanks for pointing me to Randi Kreger, Wild Coyote. I'll have a look at her stuff because it sounds very interesting. The fact she has Audible formats is great, too, since I love Audible.

That's true. Maybe she will change. I don't think reality has slapped her in the face yet, so maybe she'll "grow up" and stop her crap. We'll see how she changes within a year of starting her first full-time job.

That's exactly it. I used to be a hot mess and quite a menace to my family in my late childhood/early teenage years. I was manipulative and cruel and I railroaded my family constantly. My perspective was completely self centered with my family. I changed a lot over the years. Self awareness comes in flashes. Sometimes we miss the mirror until a loved one holds it up for us to truly see ourselves as we are.

There are lessons in all of this for you too. You're growing in your ability to stand up and say no to behaviors that are harmful. You have the potential to show on the outside how you've been feeling on the inside all this time. That can be hard to do, but it feels great to get it out in the open. I know this is a sad situation, but I'm optimistic for you guys.

I was the Same. Exact. Way. during the exact same ages. I am truly an ENTIRELY different person now than I was in my teens. I was truly horrible! I do however, owe a lot of that to my illness which was at one of its very worst then. I didn’t mean to highjack this thread, that just struck me and I wanted to share.

Blue, I almost could have written your original post. My sister has been a similar pain in my arse. She's narcissistic, manipulative, and I wonder sometimes if she has borderline personality disorder. Everything is about her, her terrible life (she has made some very bad choices throughout her adult life and blames everyone but herself for her problems), and her physical ailments. She has also used my youngest son as a taxi, a servant, and a whipping boy. The best thing that ever happened to us was when she moved clear across the country last September to live with her daughter, after getting kicked out of three assisted living facilities and a couple of private homes over the course of about five years. It has never occurred to her that she might be the problem.

She also treats me like a child who doesn't know her way around the world. I am 61 years old, she's 73. It's a good-sized age difference for sure, but I'm no longer young nor am I irresponsible. I love her, but I've found it's much safer to love her from a distance. I haven't totally cut her out of my life, but thankfully she doesn't have a phone right now and can only contact me or my son via Messenger. Which she hasn't done much of since she moved...I think she's angry with me. She'll get over it, or she won't; either way, I'm grateful that I no longer have to deal with her tantrums and manipulation tactics.