Does life ever feel real to you?

I'm going to 100mg today, so hoping for the best! The depression is still there, but it seems to follow more of a diurnal pattern now. It's worst in the morning and evening but it clears up a bit in the afternoon, which it didn't before. I don't know if it's because of the Lamictal, but it did happen around the same time when I switched to taking the Lamictal in the morning instead of the evening, so hopefully that means the Lamictal is doing something.

It really does sound like the Lamictal is starting to work. It's very encouraging that you're already feeling some change. By the time you've been on 100 for 2 or 3 days I expect you'll feel even more stable/less depression.

Something interesting about Lamictal that I experience and have heard others mention is that, because it has almost no, or no, side effects, also because we have to gradually build up the dose, the advantages feel subtle. It's kind of like one day you realize that for the past 2 days you haven't been feeling unstable. I remember saying to myself, "Hmm. This stuff really is helping." It doesn't seem to be a "crash-boom!" like some meds.

I definitely hope so! Today is a lot worse, but then again I slept very badly last night. Hopefully in a few days it will start to get better. If the Lamictal does work and the side effects are so minimal, it seems almost too good to be true, I'm kind of wondering what's the catch.

I think I'm going to have to keep an eye on how things go. I'm starting to get irritable, impulsive, distractable, increased energy and SI. It's mixing in with the depression. Too early to say if it's going to stick and maybe it's just a coincidence, but it could be the famous activating effect from the Lamictal. I'm hoping it will get better, and maybe sleep will help (going to take some benzos tonight).

For me, poor sleep will override almost any medication. I literally fear not getting enough sleep.

Before Lamictal I, too, wondered what the catch was. In fact, I doubted it when people praised Lamictal as being amazing.

I was in a bad place when I started taking it...up, mixed, and that very specific crazy anxiety that is part of a dysphoric mania. I had zero faith in Lamictal, but my pdoc kept insisting, then my therapist met with my pdoc and I and they both insisted. So Lamictal it was. It took awhile. It really did. I was at 250mg when I finally began to feel some centering, some stability. But it was a couple of weeks at 300mg when I finally thought yeah, this actually is helping me.

Maybe the "catch" with Lamictal is the time it takes to kick in

I have never experienced Lamictal as activating, nor as sedating, but that's me.

If you get enough sleep and still feel off tomorrow, will you contact your psychiatrist?

I get depersonalization and derealization. Not often but enough to be noted. Never been treated for it. I have felt the mortar between bricks inside a building which was because I had heightened senses. This sort of grounded me but all senses were heightened and sometime the stimulus is too much and I get overwhelmed and check out.

Yes, poor sleep is very detrimental for me as well. Unfortunately it's more of the rule than the exception lately. I have benzos for sleep but I try not to use them too much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags Before Lamictal I, too, wondered what the catch was. In fact, I doubted it when people praised Lamictal as being amazing. I was in a bad place when I started taking it...up, mixed, and that very specific crazy anxiety that is part of a dysphoric mania. I had zero faith in Lamictal, but my pdoc kept insisting, then my therapist met with my pdoc and I and they both insisted. So Lamictal it was. It took awhile. It really did. I was at 250mg when I finally began to feel some centering, some stability. But it was a couple of weeks at 300mg when I finally thought yeah, this actually is helping me. Maybe the "catch" with Lamictal is the time it takes to kick in I have never experienced Lamictal as activating, nor as sedating, but that's me. If you get enough sleep and still feel off tomorrow, will you contact your psychiatrist?

I took 2mg Lorazepam last night, and together with the Seroquel that knocked me out pretty good. I got enough sleep on paper but I don't feel rested. Yesterday it was starting to feel almost like hypomania mixed with the depression, but today that's not the case, at least so far. Mostly the anxiety remains. If it happens again I will try to contact my Pdoc, although he is on vacation for about 3 more weeks, and so is my therapist.

on bad fibro days: I'm well aware life is real.

I wish I wasn't though. it's been getting worse, and it hurts

Yeah, pain can do that, really sorry to hear about that.

Make that anxiety + irritability and agitation.

This is (of course) where medication gets tricky. Is the Lamictal causing your dysphoric symptoms, or is it that you're not on a high enough dose yet?


Does your pdoc have any back-up? So many don't these days. Mine doesn't. But 3 weeks is a long time to leave you with no one, especially when you're starting Lamictal

Yes, that's the tricky question. My Pdoc doesn't have any backup, but if needed I should at least be able to e-mail him. I do have a backup therapist who I am seeing tomorrow, but she can't do anything med-wise.

I definitely don't want to give up on the Lamictal yet after all the good stories I've heard. Maybe it's just that it's causing me to go up slightly before it starts hitting the depressive symptoms? I don't know, but for now the symptoms are still manageable, they just have me a bit worried that they'll evolve into dysphoric mania.

Yes, I'm with you on your thoughts. Most likely, your pdoc would say the same...keep increasing the dose, as planned.

Thank you, it's good to hear that you agree. I will keep going on as scheduled with the Lamictal and hope that these symptoms resolve!

thank you

means a lot

I definitely think I'm feeling the "activating" effect. At times I'm able to use the energy for something productive, but mostly it's manifesting as irritability and agitation so far. I do notice I've been starting more projects (although when the depression kicks in I don't have the energy to continue) and I've been buying stuff and maybe driving a little more aggressively. A couple of times I felt a kind of rush of euphoria but it didn't stick. There are a couple of other things I can't remember right now. I think I may be in a bit of a labile mood. I can go from happy to tears pretty quickly these past couple of days.

It's a bit of a weird combo of feelings. I think I'd like it a lot if only the depressive symptoms just went away out of the mix. I'm curious what will happen when I go to 200mg, although I'm kind of on the fence about whether to stay on 100mg a little longer to see if the dosage increase is really needed. Overall the depression is not really decreasing yet, just mixing in with the activating effects. I also have significantly worse tremors than usual, but it may be the Seroquel. I want to start decreasing that soon and ideally do away with it altogether.

What you've described as activating reminds me of how many people with BD react to SSRI's.


For me, Lamictal wasn't effective for depression. It way decreases anger, agitation, irritability. I think that ideally, it's supposed to help with depression, though.


Oh - the tremor- my hand tremor increased markedly on Lamictal.

Yeah, I'm not sure whether the effects so far are encouraging or worrying. I do hope the anti-depressant effect will start soon, I'm not sure which other meds to try if this doesn't work.

Interesting about the tremor, I didn't realize it could be the Lamictal, but now that you mention it I do see it listed as a possible side-effect.

I don't relate, I struggle with life being way too real, way too intense and way way too overwhelming...

I've felt disconnected or even disassociated when severely depressed tho, but somehow I'm sure that's not what you mean.

A Pdoc or therapist should be able to help you figure out if this is a depersonalisation / derealization problem, and if so, a T should be able to help you learn how to feel more connected.

I'm sorry you struggle with this, it all sounds very sad.

When I am manic, everything feels intensely real. But as I start to lose my mania and head into a depression, all that I was feeling when I was manic starts to feel like it was all a dream and unreal. Now that I am mostly in a low state since being out of the hospital, everything feels unreal and all I do is sleep to get through the day. Starting a new med today (Lamotrigine) to lift my mood and keep me stable. I hope it works. I need to elevate my life somehow, because this is not living at all.

When I am psychotic I feel like I am in some sort of a simulation. I become afraid that I will be pulled out and I'll lose everyone I love and I wonder what's on the other side. All other times I feel like this life is real. Even if there is something else, it doesn't matter. I want to play this game to the fullest. I am blessed and there's so much for me to learn and experience here.

The real mind bender is when I consider the possibility that Quantumly speaking I might be here and there all at the same time. And other places...

Thank you, and the disconnection while depressed is definitely part of it, except it remains even when not depressed. I hope I can make some progress with this in therapy; so far we haven't tried too much because we've focused mostly on the bipolar symptoms, but this would be nice to work on as well.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I think when I am (hypo)manic, that's probably the only time I feel really alive. For me, the memories of it also fade quickly. I hope the Lamictal works out for you! I'm getting started on it myself. I'm at 100mg so far and I think I'm starting to feel some effects. Time will tell if it gets rid of the depression, but in theory it should.

Interesting that you mention the simulation, I've been thinking about that for a few years now. There's this theory by Nick Bostrom that if simulations of that kind are possible, then it's overwhelmingly likely that we're in one. The thinking is that the simulees will recursively start simulations of their own, so eventually simulated worlds outnumber real ones. I'm not sure if the argument completely holds up in practice, but it's still interesting.

The thing about it is, even if it is a simulation, it is real. The only real thing in any world is our consciousness or the energy we use for creation. In a simulation, we create. Good, bad or indifferent. We use our consciousness. Our actions matter. In a game, in a simulation, in a real life scenario, we use our consciousness and the effects we seed matter. Our belief that we can do whatever we want if it is just a simulation is false. It always matters, so I say be who and what you want to the fullest no matter where we are or where we came from. Own it every moment every day even if this is just one big cluster of Inception like creations.

I see science and Hollywood seeding constantly the belief its a dream and there's something to wake from. Even when we wake from a dream, the dream affects us. The notion we can just 'play' here without consequence is a fool's errand.

At any rate, I'm going to live this life to the fullest. Dance like nobody's watching. Love the way I want to be loved