[Soupe du jour]

It's been a long time since I mentioned my father. Actually today I saw him for the first time in some months. I missed a chance before my vacation/trip. Then I had to wait another 14 days after returning to the US because of quarantine. I went to visit him alone this afternoon. I could only see him right outside the facility, sitting six feet from him, with us both wearing masks, obviously. I was surprised to see him being wheeled out in a wheelchair. Apparently he had two major falls within a 24 hour period, yesterday and this morning. When he first spoke, he told me that he can no longer walk. His face clearly showed distress and depression, yet he tried to smile. He told me that his emphysema is getting worse. He also has heart problems. He refuses the emphysema medications, according to my sister.

About 10 minutes in to my visit with him, he said he had to pee. I couldn't wheel him in (because of the rules) so I knocked on the reception door for them to come. He returned only 5 minutes later saying that he can often not pee when he tries. As I continued talking, his eyes wandered elsewhere. That has been a common thing for him his whole life, but when I stopped talking mid-sentence, he knew I noticed, so said "I'm listening." but I'm not sure if he was, or even could.

Before my trip to Europe, I told my dad that my husband and I would be moving there probably before 2021. His response was a feigned excited one, and he said that he would visit me there. Truth is, he'll never be able to visit Europe again. He knows that. Then today I told him that the move will surely be in December. That our house will be put up on the market soon, and that I already sold my car. To that, he again gave a fake positive response.

When I got home, my husband told me that my dad had called my house (landline) before I arrived to see him. Hubby and I both think he likely wanted to cancel my visit, but he was too late, as I was already on my way.

Possible trigger:

Before I left my dad, I told him that I would try to schedule visits as often as possible before our departure. Sad thing is that the assisted living only allows max one visit per week. So, that means that I can only see my father probably, at most, six to eight more times before the move. That perhaps means that I will not see him more than six to eight more times in his, and my lives. Many (or all) of those times may be wearing a mask, and forbidden to give each other hugs or kisses.

It's been a long road these last few years with my father's major illness. You can't imagine the emotions felt! There has been a level of acceptance on my part, for a while. However, my father likely hadn't known, but he is now growing painfully aware. It surely eats him alive. That fact hurts me, immensely. It's a terrible feeling knowing that you will likely only see your parent (or child) a limited number of additional times. When my mother died, it was a shock. We had only seven days to even process the inevitable. I have had more time with my dad, but even so, sometimes the pain felt knowing that your parent is suffering, and severely afraid (of death), is even worse than the pain of the loss itself, I think. I felt that agony for my mother, and also feel it for my dad.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Thanks. Just wondering why my past two pdocs and several beforehand just dropped me as their patient/switched me to someone else when they weren't leaving the practice... and why a couple flat out said they couldn't help me... I guess if they can't help me, they can't help anybody, and they shouldn't be a psychiatrist, psychologist, or nurse practitioner.

I can't directly answer your question. If I go by what you've told us on here I'd say that mental health professionals won't work with a patient who is actively using. Even support groups, if someone comes either drunk or high they'll be asked to leave until they can return clean & sober.

[*Beth*]

Soupe, your post is heart-wrenching. Where is your mom? Does she see your dad regularly?

[Coolbreeze74]

He didn't come up with the seroquel idea, I did. Its not a starting dose it has to be the equivalent of 7.5 of zyprexa since I'll be stopping that. He has the equivalency wrong. I talked to my pharmacist again today and he said yes it is the wrong equivalency.

I hope I'm not shunned here bc I'm not doing what you all want me to do... at this point I regret sharing it in the first place. And hes only in on Fridays and no one takes his place. I haven't had a panic attack in 2 days. I'm not willing to risk changing meds and having them more often again.

[Nammu]

Personally it’s not about doing what we want it’s about doing what’s best for stability. I don’t know anyone here who would shun you. We may repeat the collective experience that using doesn’t help and say things like pdoc and ts might not work with an active user but in my experience nobody here will shun you for that. You have a place here, never fear that

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Sapien

I hate that I've been shunned by multiple people.

Possible trigger:

want to use but I can't so I want to kill myself, can do that...

I get it. I'm too much for my therapist and previous pdoc, let alone "regular" people.

You are just right for us!

What about a walk? Yoga? Meditate? Movie? Bath? Something. Clean?

Do something distracting and get off this neg neural loop you are in. Please.

Hugs.

[Coolbreeze74]

And I know he wont be willing to increase the dose. Just best to stay what I'm on.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Attempting to change my user name to just ~Beth~. If that's been taken I'll use cyclist's name "Bethers" - that cannot possibly be taken. My sister used to call me Bethers.

Ha! Yes!

[Coolbreeze74]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Personally it’s not about doing what we want it’s about doing what’s best for stability. I don’t know anyone here who would shun you. We may repeat the collective experience that using doesn’t help and say things like pdoc and ts might not work with an active user but in my experience nobody here will shun you for that. You have a place here, never fear that

Was that for me? I'm not a active user. I don't even drink. Did you mean that for sapien?

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I completely relate to a lot of this. I hate it that I've been shunned by multiple people. I am not sure what conclusion to draw from this (I know what I concluded from it when I was a cub )

I have been...

Possible trigger:

close to su multiple times. I am not sure why I did not... It was not because everyone loved me. Sometimes nobody did...

I have been told I am too much for the professionals so they help people who are more deserving. As for regular people, they usually completely ignore me. Sometimes they insult me. Most of the time, for regular people, It's as if I don't exist.

I think normal people are weird. We all love you, Fuzzy. Yay!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

It's been a long time since I mentioned my father. Actually today I saw him for the first time in some months. I missed a chance before my vacation/trip. Then I had to wait another 14 days after returning to the US because of quarantine. I went to visit him alone this afternoon. I could only see him right outside the facility, sitting six feet from him, with us both wearing masks, obviously. I was surprised to see him being wheeled out in a wheelchair. Apparently he had two major falls within a 24 hour period, yesterday and this morning. When he first spoke, he told me that he can no longer walk. His face clearly showed distress and depression, yet he tried to smile. He told me that his emphysema is getting worse. He also has heart problems. He refuses the emphysema medications, according to my sister.

About 10 minutes in to my visit with him, he said he had to pee. I couldn't wheel him in (because of the rules) so I knocked on the reception door for them to come. He returned only 5 minutes later saying that he can often not pee when he tries. As I continued talking, his eyes wandered elsewhere. That has been a common thing for him his whole life, but when I stopped talking mid-sentence, he knew I noticed, so said "I'm listening." but I'm not sure if he was, or even could.

Before my trip to Europe, I told my dad that my husband and I would be moving there probably before 2021. His response was a feigned excited one, and he said that he would visit me there. Truth is, he'll never be able to visit Europe again. He knows that. Then today I told him that the move will surely be in December. That our house will be put up on the market soon, and that I already sold my car. To that, he again gave a fake positive response.

When I got home, my husband told me that my dad had called my house (landline) before I arrived to see him. Hubby and I both think he likely wanted to cancel my visit, but he was too late, as I was already on my way.

Possible trigger:

Before I left my dad, I told him that I would try to schedule visits as often as possible before our departure. Sad thing is that the assisted living only allows max one visit per week. So, that means that I can only see my father probably, at most, six to eight more times before the move. That perhaps means that I will not see him more than six to eight more times in his, and my lives. Many (or all) of those times may be wearing a mask, and forbidden to give each other hugs or kisses.

It's been a long road these last few years with my father's major illness. You can't imagine the emotions felt! There has been a level of acceptance on my part, for a while. However, my father likely hadn't known, but he is now growing painfully aware. It surely eats him alive. That fact hurts me, immensely. It's a terrible feeling knowing that you will likely only see your parent (or child) a limited number of additional times. When my mother died, it was a shock. We had only seven days to even process the inevitable. I have had more time with my dad, but even so, sometimes the pain felt knowing that your parent is suffering, and severely afraid (of death), is even worse than the pain of the loss itself, I think. I felt that agony for my mother, and also feel it for my dad.

Beautifully expressed, Soupe. I really hope you enjoy your remaining time with him. Life is short. My dad's facility does not allow anyone in or out. I miss him.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Coolbreeze74

Was that for me? I'm not a active user. I don't even drink. Did you mean that for sapien?

Sorry yes that was Sapien I was thinking off. But the message applies to everyone, you won’t be shunned.

[Coolbreeze74]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Sorry yes that was Sapien I was thinking off. But the message applies to everyone, you won’t be shunned.

Thanks! I hope not.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Coolbreeze74

He didn't come up with the seroquel idea, I did. Its not a starting dose it has to be the equivalent of 7.5 of zyprexa since I'll be stopping that. He has the equivalency wrong. I talked to my pharmacist again today and he said yes it is the wrong equivalency.

I hope I'm not shunned here bc I'm not doing what you all want me to do... at this point I regret sharing it in the first place. And hes only in on Fridays and no one takes his place. I haven't had a panic attack in 2 days. I'm not willing to risk changing meds and having them more often again.

ohim.of course, we should always do what is in our heart. I just want you to feel okay for once.

[Coolbreeze74]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

ohim.of course, we should always do what is in our heart. I just want you to feel okay for once.

Thanks for that. Yeah I have a bad feeling the dose of seroquel hes giving me will just increase my panic attacks. I have a really bad feeling about it. If he was giving me right equivalent, I would feel better about but not at the dose he prescribed...

[MuddyBoots]

Oh, I wasn't saying anyone here has "shunned" me, I was referring to my family, friends, and the professionals, none of whom have ever tried bringing up whatever their specific problem with me is. Last pdoc never even brought up me being drunk during or after the appointment(s) leading me to think that was an okay thing to do or that she wouldn't even notice.
But yeah, that post wasn't directed at anyone here. You guys are great.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Soupe, your post is heart-wrenching. Where is your mom? Does she see your dad regularly?

Hi Beth. My mom died of cancer almost 15 years ago. We didn't even know she had cancer until the last week of her life, or what type until after her passing. If my mother was still alive, I can't help but believe everything would be different...and better, in many ways. My mother was a wonderful woman who was the backbone of the family. We all suffered from her sudden and unexpected passing.

[Coolbreeze74]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hi Beth. My mom died of cancer almost 15 years ago. We didn't even know she had cancer until the last week of her life, or what type until after her passing. If my mother was still alive, I can't help but believe everything would be different...and better, in many ways. My mother was a wonderful woman who was the backbone of the family. We all suffered from her sudden and unexpected passing.

My mom passed away of cancer 15 yrs ago too! She was the backbone of our family as well. I was very close to her. I miss her everyday and I dream about her all the time. I'm sorry you lost your mom as well.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Coolbreeze74

He didn't come up with the seroquel idea, I did. Its not a starting dose it has to be the equivalent of 7.5 of zyprexa since I'll be stopping that. He has the equivalency wrong. I talked to my pharmacist again today and he said yes it is the wrong equivalency.

I hope I'm not shunned here bc I'm not doing what you all want me to do... at this point I regret sharing it in the first place. And hes only in on Fridays and no one takes his place. I haven't had a panic attack in 2 days. I'm not willing to risk changing meds and having them more often again.

I'm sorry if you feel shunned. It sounds like you're angry, which is unfortunate, because I think there's a misunderstanding.

I would like to hear that you're feeling less miserable and was hoping you'd try a new med because you have repeated panic attacks (from what you've posted). It seems logical that either the medication(s) you're on isn't working, you're treatment resistant, or the panic attacks are something that may be better treated in therapy, rather than with a medication.

I'm confused about the cross-taper issue. It's pretty easy to figure out. According to this site Psychopharmacopeia: Online Searchable Psychopharmacology Drug Database for Clinicians an olanzipine 7.5mg dose equals quetiapine 150mg.

Perhaps I'm incorrect, but as I understand it, a dose of 300mg Seroquel is actually quite a bit stronger than 7.5mg. Zyprexa is.

[Coolbreeze74]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm sorry if you feel shunned. It sounds like you're angry, which is unfortunate, because I think there's a misunderstanding.

I would like to hear that you're feeling less miserable and was hoping you'd try a new med because you have repeated panic attacks (from what you've posted). It seems logical that either the medication(s) you're on isn't working, you're treatment resistant, or the panic attacks are something that may be better treated in therapy, rather than with a medication.

I'm confused about the cross-taper issue. It's pretty easy to figure out. According to this site Psychopharmacopeia: Online Searchable Psychopharmacology Drug Database for Clinicians an olanzipine 7.5mg dose equals quetiapine 150mg.

Perhaps I'm incorrect, but as I understand it, a dose of 300mg Seroquel is actually quite a bit stronger than 7.5mg. Zyprexa is.

I'm going off what my pharmacist said. I trust him. He knows my meds better than my pdoc. Hes been my pharmacist for 6 years. Please just accept that I'm NOT going to switch to the seroquel. There's NO way 150 mgs of seroquel equals 7.5 of zyprexa. Please let this go!

[Coolbreeze74]

Thanks for the support from the ppl that have been supportive of me on this forum, but I'm not going to post anymore. Take care everybody!

[*Beth*]

A mod told me I can't change my user name because apparently I changed it a short time after I joined 15 months ago. No big deal, I just wanted to simplify it.

I think I'm having covid cabin fever right now. I'd absolutely love to be sitting in a movie theater tonight. I wish I had a "favorite show" or the idea of a movie to watch online. Ah, well, something will surely come along.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Coolbreeze74

....

There is a major misunderstanding going on.

I don't own stocks in Seroquel If you don't want to change your meds, that's between you and your pdoc.

I was attempting to be supportive by giving you the link to the conversion site. I wasn't attacking your pharmacist. I've had trusted doctors and known pharmacists make mistakes, so I prefer to do my own follow-up research. In fact, the doctors I work with expect me to do that. But that's me.

I encourage you to continue posting here. It does sound like you're upset with your pdoc, and I understand that him being available only 1 day per week is pretty ridiculous. Maybe that's where your frustration belongs. I don't know, but I do know that you've received plenty of caring support here.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

A mod told me I can't change my user name because apparently I changed it a short time after I joined 15 months ago. No big deal, I just wanted to simplify it.

I think I'm having covid cabin fever right now. I'd absolutely love to be sitting in a movie theater tonight. I wish I had a "favorite show" or the idea of a movie to watch online. Ah, well, something will surely come along.

I was just saying to mom today that I miss us going to the $5 movies we went to every Tuesday night. We’d see some oddball movies just to go. Saw some great ones as well. I definitely have covid cabin fever. I miss what was.

[Coolbreeze74]

Nevermind......