[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My therapist sent an email to my Pdoc and he then took me off welbutrin and topamax and put me on the new med. I felt like she was tattling on me to him.

Oh. A lot of people feel a sense of betrayal when their T and pdoc dialogue. I hope you gave permission to your T?

My T and pdoc's offices are literally next to each other. They read each others' notes. So far, it's been helpful for me.

What is the new med?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Oh. A lot of people feel a sense of betrayal when their T and pdoc dialogue. I hope you gave permission to your T?

My T and pdoc's offices are literally next to each other. They read each others' notes. So far, it's been helpful for me.

What is the new med?

It’s that remeron one. Forget the actual name that’s in my thread. I did not give them permission to talk to each other. She claims it was a safety issue.

She’s insisting I meet with her tomorrow because it will be good to talk things out and how I’m not taking care of myself, and possible higher level of care, and how she knows there’s a lot going on in the world and etc etc. I kind of blew up at her in return (this is all in email today) and said “then can you please be patient and not be in a bad mood?” Because she’s been pretty rude to me these last couple sessions and I’m worried with Election Day her patience with me will be even thinner. I don’t pay for a therapist to be in a bad mood the entire time.

Count me among those who are nervous AF about the election. I am seriously worried about the future of democracy. 2 sentences about that topic, if I may. I'll put it in a trigger box.

Possible trigger:

It blows my mind that ANY American would vote for ANYONE who lays out their wishes of being a dictator, even if that particular word hasn't been used. Also, for someone so very, very racist.

[Mountaindewed]

I realized 10 minutes ago that I had forgotten my propolanol. Since Saturday night. So the loss of control over my anxiety, and the wooziness and lightheadedness combined with the coffee I had this morning was in fact a real withdrawal effect I was having from skipping a dose. But people are right in that I’m not taking good care of myself.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

It’s that remeron one. Forget the actual name that’s in my thread. I did not give them permission to talk to each other. She claims it was a safety issue.

She’s insisting I meet with her tomorrow because it will be good to talk things out and how I’m not taking care of myself, and possible higher level of care, and how she knows there’s a lot going on in the world and etc etc. I kind of blew up at her in return (this is all in email today) and said “then can you please be patient and not be in a bad mood?” Because she’s been pretty rude to me these last couple sessions and I’m worried with Election Day her patience with me will be even thinner. I don’t pay for a therapist to be in a bad mood the entire time.

Md, I think you need to really open up and tell her, tomorrow, how you're feeling. This is the T with the baby, right? You've been struggling with her for a long time. Is it possible that the communication between the 2 of you just isn't clear?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I realized 10 minutes ago that I had forgotten my propolanol. Since Saturday night. So the loss of control over my anxiety, and the wooziness and lightheadedness combined with the coffee I had this morning was in fact a real withdrawal effect I was having from skipping a dose. But people are right in that I’m not taking good care of myself.

Then maybe she's correct in that you need a higher level of care. What do you think?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Count me among those who are nervous AF about the election. I am seriously worried about the future of democracy. 2 sentences about that topic, if I may. I'll put it in a trigger box.

Possible trigger:

It blows my mind that ANY American would vote for ANYONE who lays out their wishes of being a dictator, even if that particular word hasn't been used. Also, for someone so very, very racist.

[*Beth*]

bpcyclist, how're you doing?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Then maybe she's correct in that you need a higher level of care. What do you think?

What does a higher level of care even look like?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

What does a higher level of care even look like?

That's a good question. I'm wondering, too. Definitely something you would want to ask her about, I think.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@wildflowerchild25, I ordered pork roll twice within the last week, at a diner. My husband hates it, so I rarely eat it. It's possible that it was my last time ever having it. It's not anything I could ever find where I'm moving to. It's not like we can easily make it from scratch. Right?

Pork roll is my favorite breakfast meat. If I ever move out of NJ it will be the thing I miss most! For me it has to be Taylor brand, although shoprite has a good store brand too. I just had a pork roll and cheese on Saturday like you said, though, can’t be made from scratch unless you’re into meat grinding and casing sausage...and even then I’m not sure exactly what gives it that distinctive taste!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Pork roll is my favorite breakfast meat. If I ever move out of NJ it will be the thing I miss most! For me it has to be Taylor brand, although shoprite has a good store brand too. I just had a pork roll and cheese on Saturday like you said, though, can’t be made from scratch unless you’re into meat grinding and casing sausage...and even then I’m not sure exactly what gives it that distinctive taste!

Is this it? Maybe she can ship it every once in a while. Not sure if Amazon delivers there though...

Amazon.com

[Moose72]

I'm taking several days off face book. I can't stand all the political posts. Fear mongering and hatred. I'm choosing not to read that stuff. I need my mental health more than I need a the few entertaining things that might be on facebook.

I had a dismal afternoon doing four (4) loads of laundry but a lovely early-Winter evening drinking tea, snuggling with my dog and watching soaps.

Hugs to all who suffer!

[Moose72]

I took a bath tonight to try to relax. I made the water hot, too. But when I got in, it seemed that the water was warm, but not hot. Oh! And I found the Christmas lights I want to get. They are battery powered but also solar powered and I think the size I picked will be plenty to wrap around my balcony.

@whatever2013 Your day sounds nice, to me! Now you have all those clean clothes!

[*Beth*]

My nerves are raw. Also political crap. Not online. IRL having to do with jerks driving around, blowing their horns, screeching their brakes, and waving flags all day. All day. Finally, the cops seem to be doing something because I keep hearing sirens.

I have to eat something, then I'm crawling into bed. UGH.

This week offers good practice to do healthy breathing and centering myself <----- (trying to look on the bright side)

I hope everyone is having a relatively peaceful night.

[Nammu]

Hey! There was a new Shaun the sheep movie. That’s just the ticket for all this political stuff. I love those silly movies. Cheese ehh!

I was just thinking I’d not heard of any good movies in a long long while so I moseyed on over to the tomato site and was reading about the various movies ( an awfully lot horror) and came across Shaun the sheep. The trailer looks good. Great diversion for my election anxiety. I could stand it if people were driving all over the place honking and making a fuss. I tell ya if I had the funds I’d go to Iceland for a month to escape this.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Hey! There was a new Shaun the sheep movie. That’s just the ticket for all this political stuff. I love those silly movies. Cheese ehh!

I was just thinking I’d not heard of any good movies in a long long while so I moseyed on over to the tomato site and was reading about the various movies ( an awfully lot horror) and came across Shaun the sheep. The trailer looks good. Great diversion for my election anxiety. I could stand it if people were driving all over the place honking and making a fuss. I tell ya if I had the funds I’d go to Iceland for a month to escape this.

Enjoy the movie!

I was in Iceland a few years ago, in February. Quite cold, but very peaceful.

[Nammu]

Did ya go in any of the hot springs?

[Crazy Hitch]

I just want to be a normal person.

[jmariah001]

No more quarantine for me I tested negative for Covid. I'm so glad. Now we are level red in my area for the virus numbers. My husband has a doctors appointment on Thursday but he will be going alone. No one is allowed in the office with the patient. Precautionary measures. Some libraries are going back to curbside service only. I think it's only a matter of time before they shut us down again. So glad voting is tomorrow so then we can get this political crap behind us. I am so sick of these stupid presidential parades. I want things to go back to normal well as normal as they can be right now. I am also sick of the saying new normal. There is nothing normal about wearing a mask everywhere you go. Maybe someday we will actually see the regular normal again. But not for a while. Oh well got to take it as it comes. Good night all.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by fern46

Is this it? Maybe she can ship it every once in a while. Not sure if Amazon delivers there though...

Amazon.com

Hi Fern. Yes, that is a brand of pork roll. That brand is the original one. Many people in the states that have it call it "Taylor Ham", but it is not a ham. The official name is pork roll. This may seem strange, but there is a major figurative "war" in New Jersey about what it should be called. People in the north of the areas (north NJ and NYC) usually call it Taylor Ham. People further south (including Central NJ where it originated) usually call it by its official name of pork roll. I'm not so sure they'd send it to Europe, and wouldn't really want to pay a fortune to have it sent. Usually it is a rather inexpensive meat product.

I think Taylor brand is fine, but my family always preferred the Case's brand of pork roll. What was unique about Case's was that it was originally packed in corn husks, back in its early days.

Wildflowerchild, I have of course seen Shoprite brand, but never tried it.

It is possible my sister could send it to me, but the problem is that it should be refrigerated. It's not like summer sausage or pepperoni, which need not be refrigerated.

If you want to know how passionate people from NJ are about pork roll, see the following video of President Obama speaking at a graduation at my alma mater.

Those were the days when something light-hearted (and diplomatic) came from the mouth of a president. I do hope that "major quarrels" become so minor again.

Peace and love to all!

[Soupe du jour]

I confess that yesterday afternoon I had a major anger/frustration outburst. It was over my family. The contrast between the amount my husband's family vs. mine will/has help(ed) us with our moving tasks is quite notable. I'm not including my father. I totally understand he needs more help than can give, but more my sister and brother. In the end, I think my brother felt a bit guilty, so finally offered some amount of help. My sister probably does, too, but her husband is the world's biggest ARSE and he basically rules her. Anyway, that is one of the many reasons we are moving to Czech Republic. We need family support, but of course also want to give it.

The roofers who need to fix our roof are yet to come. I have a feeling that we will struggle to ever get them here. It's so frustrating! We can't exactly put our house on the market with a roof problem. Now ever time it rains a lot we're going to fear that more ceiling damage will happen. It also sucks that on a questionnaire we filled out for the realtor, we have to not only say that we've had roof damage, but that it is only just fixed, that is IF it gets fixed in the near future. This kind of thing lowers the amount of money potential buyers want to offer. It's basically a middle finger from the lousy homeowner's association who take all of the money from association fees, but hire the lousiest workers and probably pocket some of the rest.

We want out of our house sooooooooo bad because of this! Where we're going we'll be renting for a while, so any issue will be the landlady/owner's problem. When we finally buy a house again, we will have the right to make 100% of the decisions on who we hire to do what.

[MuddyBoots]

Just had therapy. Don’t know what the **** that was all about. I relapsed yesterday and I told her but she didn’t really respond? I didn’t really give her a chance to say much. I pretty much did all the talking. I’m obviously addicted to multiple substances but at the core of that—what I’m REALLY addicted to—is chaos. When I do well for a few weeks it doesn’t feel right, it gets boring and uncomfortable. I feel undeserving of the good things like stability and the abolity to pass a drug test and scar free arms and healthy relationships. When I have those things I feel like I’m holding a trophy that truly belongs to someone else, and to me that’s not a good feeling. I remember screaming my head off as a teen and being slapped and I’d scream louder because I’d want to be slapped again like someone please take this trophy away from me.

I never know myself. There are an infinite number of mes and I can never tell who I’m supposed to be. I’m a blank canvas day to day and sometimes it helps to be this way or that way, but it’s just paint. In that reality I’m a kindhearted extroverted loving soul in that one practically a sociopath in another I’m a female Christopher Knight my personality is like clothes I change when I see fit.

I can’t stop this self destruction. I did bad things so I deserve a living hell, like drinking antifreeze it tastes like it would help but it just kills you from the inside out. Only I don’t have an inside to kill. A hollow empty shell that gets filled up with bad decisions.

I see no purpose to this life. Some days I am a role model. Some days I am an example of what NOT to do. Groups are weird because they’re just happy I show up, but I feel like the more I open up the more I’m damaging the group. I have an intense crush on a counselor at a group I used to go to. She was the first one I ever told about specifics of past sexual abuse and how it really was my fault. She always laughs at my jokes and has this bubbly personality. certainly has the biggest heart. Why can’t I find an individual therapist like that? Why can’t I find a significant other like that?
All my relationships have been **** shows. Addicts, rapists, sociopaths, people that are unable to love. People broken like me.

It snows and I don’t know why. It’s a sign certainly but the heightened senses tell me I’m going to be white knuckling it.
I know what death is like. I’ve been dead, you trip balls and then it’s nothing. Being physically dead is better than being spiritually dead.
I think I have super powers. I just don’t know how to use them for good. People don’t listen to me, although I keep telling them if you do x, y will happen because I’ve seen it in another universe. I know all, but you see I get confused.
and thats what I am. confused.

[dsmith]

Hello,

It's been a while since I posted here.

I wouldn't say I've hit "rock bottom" per se. But the past couple weeks have been rough.

I attribute it to a couple factors:
1. SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. The days are getting shorter, and the temps are decreasing. I'm getting a lot less Vitamin D because of reduced exposure to the sun. Although I've gone 4 years without a manic episode (yay!), I can still feel the hit to my psyche as the months drag on by. Winter will be tough, I guarantee.

2. Election. Whichever side of the political aisle you find yourself, I think we'd all agree that this has been one of the ugliest campaign seasons of all time. I know this is dangerous to say in this politically charged climate, but I'm thoroughly disgusted by the president and his minions.

Yet, like a 12 car pileup, I can't look away. When he was in the hospital, I was secretly happy that God had, perhaps, taken it into his own hands to rid us of this subhuman vermin. However, I found myself going through withdrawal: no tweets, no news stories, just the left media squacking, "I told you so," and those on the right praising the president for his "bravery," and bemoaning the shabby treatment from their rivals on the other side.

Of course, now we're back to shaking our heads in disbelief by the daily lowering of the ceiling. I never would have thought our culture would have so thoroughly debased itself, but in the words of another (more likeable, but also more disastrous) president, "Mission Accomplished."

3. Financial uncertainty. My wife launched a business about 2 yrs ago. I applaud her for the conviction and fortitude to push ahead, ignore the nay-sayers, and dismiss the setbacks as temporary bumps in the road. That said, it's been financially ruinous. It almost feels like, as the climate worsens, she wants to spend more money. I keep voicing my concerns, which she waves off with a "you gotta spend money to make money." At this rate, I don't know if we'll even be able to afford our water and heating bills, our mortgage, or our kids' college education.

4. Vicious cycle. Every day at 5pm, like clockwork, I plunk myself and gorge on alcohol, sugar, YouTube / Facebook Watch, or some combination thereof. The alcohol is a bit more infrequent, but the sugar and binge-watching are extremely destructive. Because of that, I usually don't get to bed till 1am.

I recalled a great quote this morning from the incomparable Led Zeppelin:
"Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on. So as of today, here are my "pivots:"
1. Refrain from checking phone until after breakfast.
2. Start each day with a daily devotional - Our Daily Bread is a great one.
3. Read for about a half hour
4. Journal

These are habits that I'd engaged in religiously for about 2 months, and they really helped me. I felt grounded, and the routine was immensely beneficial.

Let's hope I can pick myself up, dust my self off, and get back in the saddle.

Make it a great day everyone!