Having A Mental Illness

What was being diagnosed with bipolar disorder like for you? Was it easy for you to accept, or was it difficult? How did you feel about having a mental illness? How did diagnosis change your life plans (if at all)?

When I was first diagnosed about 15 or 16 years ago, the psychiatrist said I had "manic depression". At that precise time, I didn't know what that (or bipolar disorder) even was. I was quite hypomanic, at the least, and when he said he wanted to change my medications, I told him I was not interested. He gave me a pamphlet about bipolar disorder and then I left, not returning for almost a year.

In my case, it wasn't the diagnosis that changed my plans, it was the disorder itself. I only started to believe the diagnosis during my first psych hospitalization after some horrible situations that occurred, including having six fellow employees go to Human Resources to report on my behavior. I was then given an ultimatum. The psych hospitalization resulted after I quit the job that day.

It was a long process with a ton of misdiagnoses.

I was suppose to be an animator. I struggled through high school but I was really good at it. I wanted to be a colorist for pixar. Instead I can't focus for more then an hour on good days. My day to day I have to keep it simple but in reality I've always been sick. So I don't know what it would be like any other way. It's easy for me to accept and own the name but the treatment is another issue. I'm against treating it for the most part but honestly I'm not independent so I have too. Without treatment I'm afraid, confused, and not really "here" even now it's taken me hours to write this with headphones on. I put on a good face but honestly I don't feel treatment works for me. It's been taken out of my hands again. So we shall see. I used to be extremely independent. Now daily self care is difficult. However I use to get through my day with a bunch of really bad habits. So younger me would kick older me *** for who I've become. I'm healthier and more stable but I gave up productivity and independence to get here.

It was 20 years ago this spring that I was diagnosed. And I honestly can't remember what I was feeling, or thinking. Not happy that's for sure, and certainly not relieved. I was stunned and reeling for a long time I think.

The psychiatrist fed me a lot of malarkey about how I would find the right meds within a few months and be good as new and functioning like any normal person from then on .And, not knowing any different,believed him. There were years of disappointments ahead of me, that's for sure.

I was diagnosed 14 years ago. To be honest, it was a relief to be diagnosed. My life was so messed up that I was about to end it. I knew something was severely wrong, but had no idea how to deal with it. Luckily my next door neighbor was a pdoc and caught me in time. It changed my life. I accepted it, but it took me two years of failed work searching to accept that I needed to be on SSDI. It’s been a long struggle, but I’m finally, just in the past 12 months, creating a life that is not all aboutbecoming stable. I greatly prefer knowing that I have a MI and working hard to live a positive life, rather than not knowing and ultimately ending it all. I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t been saved by my neighbor.

When I was diagnosed bipolar, I was in my late 20s I heard of it but really didn’t know much about it. At the time I had been going through a pretty bad hypomanic potentially manic episode ( mind you, I did not know that- those terms were not in my vocabulary yet) and I was starting to develop suicidal ideation. During the process I had developed a strange obsession for my boss. So embarrassingly my mind was solely on that so it didn’t really hit me when they were diagnosing me with bipolar disorder. I was in therapy for like six months took medication for around that time. I had found another job and dropped out of treatment. A few years later I was back in treatment again. The weird thing is, is the process of accepting it didn’t even dawn on me the first time. I was just so out of touch That months later I was still going through the repercussions of everything. So accepting or denying it wasn’t even in my frame of mind.

I think I got the right diagnosis from the start, so in that sense I believe it. But at the same time it's hard to really accept it because there's always this lingering doubt that I might just be making it all up, and it might just go away if I forced myself a bit harder. Deep down I know that's not true but I can't get past the doubt. Especially when I'm between episodes it creeps in so easily.

I'm glad I got diagnosed but I wish it had happened much sooner. Maybe then I would be further along in my treatment now and I could have a life again. I've lost so many years to this that I can never get back, and it just drives me insane to think about all the things I could have done in that time. I feel like I've lost all of what should have been my best years. Now I just want to get stable so that I can move on and do something positive and productive again but unfortunately getting the right treatment is currently a huge fight with no end in sight that I can see. Even if I do get stable again my whole life is basically one big fight to try and compensate for all the lost time and achieve my goals in the little time that I do have. It feels very unfair to me.

I was 13 when I was diagnosed so I didn’t really understand it.

I believe I was always bipolar but back in the day when I was 16 they didnt know kids could be bipolar so I was just looked at as a troubled kid. I know my mom feels bad that they didnt know about bipolar in kids. I was hospitalized when I was a teen and my mom didnt know what was wrong with me, I wasnt officially diagnosed until mu 20's. My mom still feels regret that they didnt give me a diagnosis when I was a teen because then it was just kids being troubled. She realizes now that It was a mental illness but they didnt know that kids could be bipolar. It got worse as I got older and when I hit my 20's it became apparent that it was more than just a teen thing, Once I started getting treated she realized that all this time I should have been treated but they didnt know what they didnt know back then.

After my attempt, I was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 but I am still not sure if I am bipolar. (I was 52 years old.) That is why I don't post much in the bipolar forum. I also have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I definitely agree with this diagnosis. The thing is that when you have anxiety you can sometimes worry that you have all kinds of illnesses and bring it up to the doctor. My dear grandmother had some physical health issues (they caused her to get pneumonia often) that put her in the hospital more than once so every time she got a little sick she would start worrying it was something more serious. Most of the people in my family have trouble dealing with stress. We all have a tendency to work longer hours and/or have trouble sleeping when work deadlines loom or we are dealing with tough personal relationship issues. Anxiety runs in my family for sure. Also, when I made that 2015 attempt, I had been dealing with menopause issues for a while (extreme bleeding that made work more stressful because when you are in a call center, you are stuck on the phone, constant hot flashes, etc.) and the menopause did effect my moods.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour When I was first diagnosed about 15 or 16 years ago, the psychiatrist said I had "manic depression". At that precise time, I didn't know what that (or bipolar disorder) even was. I was quite hypomanic, at the least, and when he said he wanted to change my medications, I told him I was not interested. He gave me a pamphlet about bipolar disorder and then I left, not returning for almost a year. In my case, it wasn't the diagnosis that changed my plans, it was the disorder itself. I only started to believe the diagnosis during my first psych hospitalization after some horrible situations that occurred, including having six fellow employees go to Human Resources to report on my behavior. I was then given an ultimatum. The psych hospitalization resulted after I quit the job that day.

Sounds like a classic manic episode. How hard for you that must have been! Had you been taking an antidepressant when you had the manic episode?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom It was a long process with a ton of misdiagnoses. I was suppose to be an animator. I struggled through high school but I was really good at it. I wanted to be a colorist for pixar. Instead I can't focus for more then an hour on good days. My day to day I have to keep it simple but in reality I've always been sick. So I don't know what it would be like any other way. It's easy for me to accept and own the name but the treatment is another issue. I'm against treating it for the most part but honestly I'm not independent so I have too. Without treatment I'm afraid, confused, and not really "here" even now it's taken me hours to write this with headphones on. I put on a good face but honestly I don't feel treatment works for me. It's been taken out of my hands again. So we shall see. I used to be extremely independent. Now daily self care is difficult. However I use to get through my day with a bunch of really bad habits. So younger me would kick older me *** for who I've become. I'm healthier and more stable but I gave up productivity and independence to get here.

You must be so talented, Mm. I like how you put that...easy for you to accept the diagnosis, but the treatment is another issue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lightly toasted It was 20 years ago this spring that I was diagnosed. And I honestly can't remember what I was feeling, or thinking. Not happy that's for sure, and certainly not relieved. I was stunned and reeling for a long time I think. The psychiatrist fed me a lot of malarkey about how I would find the right meds within a few months and be good as new and functioning like any normal person from then on .And, not knowing any different,believed him. There were years of disappointments ahead of me, that's for sure.

It seems that every psychiatrist says pretty much the same thing. One issue, as I see it, is that they don't observe the patient in daily life. They don't know how much meds affect our lives in ways that are often very challenging. Pdocs are eternally optimistic; any improvement they consider a success.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolftrap I was diagnosed 14 years ago. To be honest, it was a relief to be diagnosed. My life was so messed up that I was about to end it. I knew something was severely wrong, but had no idea how to deal with it. Luckily my next door neighbor was a pdoc and caught me in time. It changed my life. I accepted it, but it took me two years of failed work searching to accept that I needed to be on SSDI. It’s been a long struggle, but I’m finally, just in the past 12 months, creating a life that is not all aboutbecoming stable. I greatly prefer knowing that I have a MI and working hard to live a positive life, rather than not knowing and ultimately ending it all. I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t been saved by my neighbor.

Talk about good luck! Did your neighbor ever know how much s/he helped you? What did that person observe that gave them the idea to speak to you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14 When I was diagnosed bipolar, I was in my late 20s I heard of it but really didn’t know much about it. At the time I had been going through a pretty bad hypomanic potentially manic episode ( mind you, I did not know that- those terms were not in my vocabulary yet) and I was starting to develop suicidal ideation. During the process I had developed a strange obsession for my boss. So embarrassingly my mind was solely on that so it didn’t really hit me when they were diagnosing me with bipolar disorder. I was in therapy for like six months took medication for around that time. I had found another job and dropped out of treatment. A few years later I was back in treatment again. The weird thing is, is the process of accepting it didn’t even dawn on me the first time. I was just so out of touch That months later I was still going through the repercussions of everything. So accepting or denying it wasn’t even in my frame of mind.

I get frustrated with the standard "bipolar symptoms" list that don't mention the tendency for people with BD to have obsessive thinking. Or maybe a more accurate term is "fixed thinking", where we get stuck on one subject or person or whatever it might be, like you did with your boss.

I was diagnosed 10 years ago aged 25 after suffering severe depression since mainly 2009. GP was brilliant got the ball rolling in under 1 year I had the diagnosis of Bipolar 1

Nope not accepted it at all. The day I was told I asked for a 2nd opinion. He is wrong was wrong. But hey ho 10 years later still in denial. Still resenting it. Still self sabotaging it.

Bipolar is a curse. Its ruined me. I hate it. I'm so angry. Currently really angry.

I lost my job, my flat, my independence, my dignity, I lots friends, I lost respect. I applied for jobs got the jobs them offers retracted after a week.... discrimination is everywhere

I have gained some independence back, my own wee flat, a kinda life. I have involvement from the local mental health services. I'm trying to get the world to change its view on mental illness. I've volunteered. I've made some good connections.

I AM STILL A FIGHTER, FIGHTING EVERY DAY TO NOT HAVE A LABEL. I'M NOT BIPOLAR, I DON'T HAVE BIPOLAR, I HAVE A CONDITION THAT AFFECTS MY MOODS ETC.

That's definitely a major factor for me as well. There doesn't seem to be much information out there at all about to what extent this is a bipolar symptom but it seems plausible that it is. It's really had a major impact on my life, but it's easy to overlook because Pdocs don't ask for it and I don't always notice it myself, at least not for a long time.

First my husband tried to tell me I might have it and I didn’t believe him. Then after leaving him and going to my sisters house, I told her I wasn’t getting sleep and upset about my marriage. She gave me some weed to help put me to sleep and instead it sent me into psychosis bad. So bad she had me hospitalized. When I was there I blamed my sister for giving me the weed. They diagnosed me with bipolar but I kept thinking it was bad weed and then I was so happy when I got out and was taking care of so much... I even filed for divorce believing that’s what I wanted. I stopped taking meds because I knew I didn’t have bipolar.... but 2 months later I fell into a depression..... so I figured I had to have it and realized that I wasn’t happy, it was just a mood. My world came crashing down. Everything I thought that was getting better was just in my imagination. The world seems so different now, like I’m wearing a whole new set of glasses I don’t even get happiness anymore... is it even real? I hate this illness. I don’t wish it on anyone. I fight everyday to be stable and sure I go to work and take care of my child and try to repair my marriage.... but I don’t feel the same. It’s like my soul has been removed. I don’t even know what stable is supposed to feel like. I mean I function so is that stable? I’m teaching and grading and I can focus enough to do it.... it’s just that I have no passion or desire anymore. Joy doesn’t exist. The only time I smile or laugh is with my baby and I worry that if my husband and I officially split I will have to share custody something I never ever ever wanted to do but because of this stupid illness that is what may end up happening.... so yes it ruined my life plans. I feel like it ruined who I am.... I don’t even like taking pictures anymore and that was always my biggest joy since I was 10 years old..... and I read about how so many people with bp have problems with their meds for years, so what do I have to look forward to? I don’t want to be a pharmaceutical experiment. I’m trying one at a time and waiting to see. I tried a couple extra and they didn’t do anything so I’m just sticking to one. Maybe one day there will be a cure for this, God I hope. I don’t wish this on anyone!

On the day of my initial diagnosis? I think so, Beth. I believe I had been taking Lexapro, but I quit it that day, just as I quit that psychiatrist and his group therapy. That psychiatrist witnessed my growing mania in a group therapy session. At the end of that session, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to stay after. That's when he told me I had bipolar disorder and wanted to change my med from the Lexapro to a moodstabilizer. I refused the new med. I wouldn't say that day was hard for me. I barely even thought much about it afterwards. I didn't even say anything about the dx to my husband.

The HR situation was a year after the dx. I hadn't been taking any medications during that almost year interim before my first hospitalization. I basically became more and more manic that year. I was plenty manic (and abusing alcohol) even before the sudden unexpected death of my mother. My mom's death took it up to an even higher level. When HR gave me an ultimatum, they did so knowing that I had recently lost my mother. They weren't going to fire me. But I became so furious about it all, that day, that I quit the job. However, a day later I was hospitalized. My husband called my employer (the CEO/President was my boss) and asked them to ignore my resignation. They did. I was officially working there for yet another 3 1/2 years, but was mostly on private disability.

I don’t know if you remember when I mentioned I think we have the option of egging it on or deescalating it. I got the idea years later when looking back at this episode. They say it lasts about 5 days. It started in November with at minimum some sadness but it may have been depression and I was brought to the hospital in July. I was not in any treatment at the time. An article online said to exercise to naturally beat depression. I took the advice. Shortly after I developed the obsession. I also turned in marketing plans for the hotel ( I look back and that was super embarrassing. ) I lost 80 pounds. I was full of energy and was exercising nearly 5 hours a day. I was trying to get rid of the energy with exercise and it about the same as trying to get rid of a fire with gasoline.

I think just because you try to keep going doesn't mean you're really "functioning" and it shouldn't be taken as a sign that the depression is any less serious. I often do the same even when I'm severely depressed. I call it my autopilot. To a casual observer it might look like I'm functioning, but actually I'm not even really there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur I think I got the right diagnosis from the start, so in that sense I believe it. But at the same time it's hard to really accept it because there's always this lingering doubt that I might just be making it all up, and it might just go away if I forced myself a bit harder. Deep down I know that's not true but I can't get past the doubt. Especially when I'm between episodes it creeps in so easily. I'm glad I got diagnosed but I wish it had happened much sooner. Maybe then I would be further along in my treatment now and I could have a life again. I've lost so many years to this that I can never get back, and it just drives me insane to think about all the things I could have done in that time. I feel like I've lost all of what should have been my best years. Now I just want to get stable so that I can move on and do something positive and productive again but unfortunately getting the right treatment is currently a huge fight with no end in sight that I can see. Even if I do get stable again my whole life is basically one big fight to try and compensate for all the lost time and achieve my goals in the little time that I do have. It feels very unfair to me.

My heart goes out to you, FluffyD. It sounds like you are grieving about your diagnosis and being frustrated and angry is certainly a valid part of the grief process.

What is happening with ECT?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut After my attempt, I was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 but I am still not sure if I am bipolar. (I was 52 years old.) That is why I don't post much in the bipolar forum. I also have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I definitely agree with this diagnosis. The thing is that when you have anxiety you can sometimes worry that you have all kinds of illnesses and bring it up to the doctor. My dear grandmother had some physical health issues (they caused her to get pneumonia often) that put her in the hospital more than once so every time she got a little sick she would start worrying it was something more serious. Most of the people in my family have trouble dealing with stress. We all have a tendency to work longer hours and/or have trouble sleeping when work deadlines loom or we are dealing with tough personal relationship issues. Anxiety runs in my family for sure. Also, when I made that 2015 attempt, I had been dealing with menopause issues for a while (extreme bleeding that made work more stressful because when you are in a call center, you are stuck on the phone, constant hot flashes, etc.) and the menopause did effect my moods.

I come from an anxious family, too. I can't think of one person in my family of origin that didn't/doesn't suffer with extreme anxiety. Of course, anxiety is often part of the whole bipolar picture.

In my experience, menopause is enough to make anyone crazy. I firmly believe that it needs to be talked about more than it is. I was certainly not prepared for menopause when it hit like a Mack truck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur That's definitely a major factor for me as well. There doesn't seem to be much information out there at all about to what extent this is a bipolar symptom but it seems plausible that it is. It's really had a major impact on my life, but it's easy to overlook because Pdocs don't ask for it and I don't always notice it myself, at least not for a long time.

I learned from my therapist and my pdoc about the "hamster on a wheel" thought pattern. It's also a big issue for me that meds don't seem to help much. In the better and more in-depth mental health books, journals, etc. I've read about how stuck thinking is an aspect of BD. I am certainly affected by it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NaoSky First my husband tried to tell me I might have it and I didn’t believe him. Then after leaving him and going to my sisters house, I told her I wasn’t getting sleep and upset about my marriage. She gave me some weed to help put me to sleep and instead it sent me into psychosis bad. So bad she had me hospitalized. When I was there I blamed my sister for giving me the weed. They diagnosed me with bipolar but I kept thinking it was bad weed and then I was so happy when I got out and was taking care of so much... I even filed for divorce believing that’s what I wanted. I stopped taking meds because I knew I didn’t have bipolar.... but 2 months later I fell into a depression..... so I figured I had to have it and realized that I wasn’t happy, it was just a mood. My world came crashing down. Everything I thought that was getting better was just in my imagination. The world seems so different now, like I’m wearing a whole new set of glasses I don’t even get happiness anymore... is it even real? I hate this illness. I don’t wish it on anyone. I fight everyday to be stable and sure I go to work and take care of my child and try to repair my marriage.... but I don’t feel the same. It’s like my soul has been removed. I don’t even know what stable is supposed to feel like. I mean I function so is that stable? I’m teaching and grading and I can focus enough to do it.... it’s just that I have no passion or desire anymore. Joy doesn’t exist. The only time I smile or laugh is with my baby and I worry that if my husband and I officially split I will have to share custody something I never ever ever wanted to do but because of this stupid illness that is what may end up happening.... so yes it ruined my life plans. I feel like it ruined who I am.... I don’t even like taking pictures anymore and that was always my biggest joy since I was 10 years old..... and I read about how so many people with bp have problems with their meds for years, so what do I have to look forward to? I don’t want to be a pharmaceutical experiment. I’m trying one at a time and waiting to see. I tried a couple extra and they didn’t do anything so I’m just sticking to one. Maybe one day there will be a cure for this, God I hope. I don’t wish this on anyone!

I feel for you, NaoSky. I know what a rough go you're having with your diagnosis. I believe that the grief you're experiencing is valid and understandable. Wouldn't a cure, or even a way to remain much more stable without taking 3, 4, 5, or more meds be great? I hope for the same. In the meantime, here we are. I so hope you'll be able to get back to photography eventually. I believe you will.