Having A Mental Illness

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I was 13 when I was diagnosed so I didn’t really understand it.

That's young! Do you feel like you understand your diagnosis better now?

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets I believe I was always bipolar but back in the day when I was 16 they didnt know kids could be bipolar so I was just looked at as a troubled kid. I know my mom feels bad that they didnt know about bipolar in kids. I was hospitalized when I was a teen and my mom didnt know what was wrong with me, I wasnt officially diagnosed until mu 20's. My mom still feels regret that they didnt give me a diagnosis when I was a teen because then it was just kids being troubled. She realizes now that It was a mental illness but they didnt know that kids could be bipolar. It got worse as I got older and when I hit my 20's it became apparent that it was more than just a teen thing, Once I started getting treated she realized that all this time I should have been treated but they didnt know what they didnt know back then.

I was in the same boat. When I was growing up, kids were either "good and cooperative" or "bad troublemakers." No one stopped to think that maybe a child had a problem that was based in neurology. Also, because psychiatry in those years tended to blame the mother for a child's problems, I believe that most parents were reluctant to reach out for help, for fear of being blamed.

That's very interesting. Do you happen to remember any of the titles of those books? It's something I struggle with a lot so it would be good to learn more. With regard to ECT, unfortunately I am *still* waiting and still doing just as badly, if not worse. The hospital is incredibly bureaucratic and inefficient. I've been told more times than I can count that they'll have news for me "next week" but there's always another delay. First I was hoping to finish treatment before the end of the year, then I was hoping to start before the end of the year, and now I'm just hoping I'll ever get treated at all. Unfortunately I don't really have any options, because if I try to go somewhere else I'll just have to wait for even longer. It is beyond frustrating. There are times when I wonder if this isn't all some giant unethical experiment to determine my breaking point. They're not far off in finding it.

I feel sad that my life has been stunted because of my BD. I always knew, from a very young age, that I was "different" than other kids. Extremely sensitive to my environment, and sometimes in another world. Severe depression and extreme anxiety were always there, and I was aware that other children didn't live with such feelings. But I had rages that were as intense as "that thing" that would sometimes lift me as high as the sky.

I did well with going to a community college, because when I needed to I could skip class or drop a class, but doing such things as going to a real university and creating a career was, I was well aware, not possible for me because of how I functioned (or didn't).

When I received my diagnosis of BD and PTSD - as I recall I was in my mid-30's - I felt relieved. I can remember the face of the pdoc who diagnosed me, even though I cannot recall his name. I finally had answers as to why - and it wasn't my fault! It wasn't, as they had told me all the way through school, that I "wasn't trying enough"...or that "I had so much potential, why didn't I use itt"? Always I was at fault. But with the diagnosis I was free to start working toward healing. Maybe I would never graduate from university, but I could roll up my sleeves and put the hours and energy into improving and stabilizing my life. In addition, I belonged to quite an elite group! So many of the greatest poets, writers, artists; many of the greatest minds ever known to humanity had BD. I had always been deeply into writing and creating art; I remember after being dx'ed that I knew what was meant by an "artistic personality" - it meant, in most cases, bipolar disorder.

It's a rough ride for sure, but I've met SO many amazing people along the way. I hate the side effects of meds; still, I'm grateful for meds. Maybe I really am crazy, but I don't think I'd give up my BD, because it would be like trading myself in for a cheaper model.

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur That's very interesting. Do you happen to remember any of the titles of those books? It's something I struggle with a lot so it would be good to learn more. With regard to ECT, unfortunately I am *still* waiting and still doing just as badly, if not worse. The hospital is incredibly bureaucratic and inefficient. I've been told more times than I can count that they'll have news for me "next week" but there's always another delay. First I was hoping to finish treatment before the end of the year, then I was hoping to start before the end of the year, and now I'm just hoping I'll ever get treated at all. Unfortunately I don't really have any options, because if I try to go somewhere else I'll just have to wait for even longer. It is beyond frustrating. There are times when I wonder if this isn't all some giant unethical experiment to determine my breaking point. They're not far off in finding it.

Oh, wow. I had no idea you were still having such difficulty with getting scheduled for ECT. How awful. I thought you were in the U.S., but - forgive me if I'm incorrect - are you in a different country? God, how I wish there was something I could do to help expedite the process for you.

Books - whew. I've read loads over the years. Some well known (Kay Redfield-Jamison), some not so, and some based in spiritual (not religious) growth. I'll do a bit of searching to try to refresh my memory with regard to titles.

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur I think just because you try to keep going doesn't mean you're really "functioning" and it shouldn't be taken as a sign that the depression is any less serious. I often do the same even when I'm severely depressed. I call it my autopilot. To a casual observer it might look like I'm functioning, but actually I'm not even really there.

I agree. NaoSky, to me it sounds like you are depressed. I know you're avoiding another med, but I'll say something that I hope won't offend you. I'm just throwing this out there as an idea...do you think that maybe you don't want to take another med because being on meds makes BD feel more real?

Yes I think I’m still depressed but not as bad as the beginning of it when it first hit.

That could be a reason, but I also don’t want all of the long term side effects these drugs can cause. I didn’t like the short term side effects from abilify... and the other drugs they gave me for sleep like trazadone and syraquil and doxipine and Lunesta didn’t work.... so I think it’s also pointless. If I’m going to go through this depression, might as well do it without added drugs that don’t seem to work on me plus have to suffer damage to my internal organs. I already know what this lithium is going to do to me long term and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

In addition my mom has had bipolar for 20+ years and has managed it without medication. So I suppose I also feel like I have that hope I can do it too.... that I just need to get through this depression.

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Originally Posted by NaoSky Yes I think I’m still depressed but not as bad as the beginning of it when it first hit. That could be a reason, but I also don’t want all of the long term side effects these drugs can cause. I didn’t like the short term side effects from abilify... and the other drugs they gave me for sleep like trazadone and syraquil and doxipine and Lunesta didn’t work.... so I think it’s also pointless. If I’m going to go through this depression, might as well do it without added drugs that don’t seem to work on me plus have to suffer damage to my internal organs. I already know what this lithium is going to do to me long term and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. In addition my mom has had bipolar for 20+ years and has managed it without medication. So I suppose I also feel like I have that hope I can do it too.... that I just need to get through this depression.

Yes, I certainly understand. I've been on or tried out all of the meds you've named and have nothing good to say about any of them. Especially Abilify. Ugh. And Lunesta...a very weird drug. I wonder why your pdoc prescribed lithium rather than Lamictal. Lamictal is generally so well tolerated, without all the horrid effects.

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur ....

I googled books about bipolar disorder and discovered there are so many more recently published books than I had realized. Although, the books that popped up are more in the self-help genre.

Aside from Kay Redfield-Jamison I've always preferred to read text books, the books that a provider would read and learn from, more than self-help books. I find the self-help books can be superficial, and I want the same information my pdoc has, as much as possible. I used to go to university book stores and read psychiatry and psychology books. Nowadays, though, there's surely plenty of information online.

I did see 1 book I'd like to read - Clinician's Guidebook to Bipolar Disorder. Texts are pricey, of course, but oftentimes libraries have them.
The most recent book I've read about BD is called Chocolate Pudding in Heaven, written by a woman who has BD. It was worth reading, but nothing spectacular.

Soupe recommended a movie to me a couple of weeks ago, it's called "Mr. Jones" (with Richard Gere). I thought the portrayal of a man with bipolar disorder in that film was outstanding. I highly recommend it (try to ignore the illicit affair...that was a stupid addition to the movie that really wasn't necessary). I watched it on Amazon Prime.

I say I am not sure if I am bipolar and NOT SURE is how I truly feel--after my attempt, I felt like I must be crazy to have done something like that and would go back and forth constantly in my mind weighing what was wrong with me including reading the entire Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and sometimes thinking I might have many of the conditions in there. What is the diagnosis for someone who has been extremely indecisive their entire life? Also, one reason I sometimes think I am not bipolar is that I never had any prescriptions for anything (other that antibiotics and painkillers) until I was about 49 years old. Most of my life, I felt like I was functional--I have a master's degree, was an Air Force officer for more than 6 years and a teacher. You need to be stable to do these things.

Yes, menopause was tough because it felt like it went on and on (it lasted at least two years for me) and feeling that it would never end was very depressing...,

Thanks, I wish the same. Maybe this week is the week I finally start moving forward, I'll just try to keep hoping for that. I'm not in the US, but I'm always a little vague about my location on purpose, because I'm afraid of deanonymizing myself.

Thanks for looking up those books! I agree that clinician-oriented books are usually the most interesting, so I think I'll start with that one. Intuitively I feel like it makes sense that stuck thinking is a part of BD. It seems like another example of the brain running out of control.

I've always had the same sense of being different. I would also feel kind of scared about "giving up" my bipolar because I feel like aside from all the negative parts of it it's also an important influence on my better traits. It's weird. Of course I would like to just cut out the bad parts without changing anything else about myself but I think the good and bad are probably inseparable.

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Originally Posted by TunedOut I say I am not sure if I am bipolar and NOT SURE is how I truly feel--after my attempt, I felt like I must be crazy to have done something like that and would go back and forth constantly in my mind weighing what was wrong with me including reading the entire Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and sometimes thinking I might have many of the conditions in there. What is the diagnosis for someone who has been extremely indecisive their entire life? Also, one reason I sometimes think I am not bipolar is that I never had any prescriptions for anything (other that antibiotics and painkillers) until I was about 49 years old. Most of my life, I felt like I was functional--I have a master's degree, was an Air Force officer for more than 6 years and a teacher. You need to be stable to do these things. Yes, menopause was tough because it felt like it went on and on (it lasted at least two years for me) and feeling that it would never end was very depressing...,

One observation I've had is that the DSM-V is not thorough. It goes with the classic, standard descriptions of mental disorders without covering the subtleties of the disorders. I think the DSM's description of BD needs to be much more in depth. I've noticed that all the providers I've had use a number of other texts to diagnose and treat, not only the DSM-V

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Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur Thanks, I wish the same. Maybe this week is the week I finally start moving forward, I'll just try to keep hoping for that. I'm not in the US, but I'm always a little vague about my location on purpose, because I'm afraid of deanonymizing myself. Thanks for looking up those books! I agree that clinician-oriented books are usually the most interesting, so I think I'll start with that one. Intuitively I feel like it makes sense that stuck thinking is a part of BD. It seems like another example of the brain running out of control.

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My first bipolar diagnosis was a load of BS. Pnurse asked my dad for his opinion and my dad just says “she’s hyper and gets really mad and sad,” and my pnurse said “sounds like bipolar.” Before that conversation I was diagnosed with psychosis NOS and then psychotic depression. I’m convinced I dont actually have bipolar. Ive never had a true manic episode save times where I had weird reactions to substances like cocainee and Prozac.
I accepted it at first though. I was naive and trusted professionals. I know better now.

After almost 20 years of various diagnoses, medications, and therapy that just didn't work, I was relieved to be diagnosed with bipolar. Being on a mood stabilizer gave me stability that I just didn't have before.


I knew I was "different" from the age of 5. There had been a lot of other things going on (child abuse, bullying, etc.) that nobody cared to know. As I got older and stumbled my way through life, other things happened (domestic violence, etc.) and the diagnoses were based on those things. It wasn't until I had an emotional breakdown, lost my job, and couldn't function at 47 that I was diagnosed with bipolar. By then the damage was done. Now I have physical issues from previous medications. I cannot get a job and I'm on disability.

Despite all that, I keep a more optimistic view of my life. I do what I can to take care of myself and help others if possible. I got 2 out of 3 things I wanted in life when I was 17 so I'm good with that.

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Originally Posted by Fharraige After almost 20 years of various diagnoses, medications, and therapy that just didn't work, I was relieved to be diagnosed with bipolar. Being on a mood stabilizer gave me stability that I just didn't have before. I knew I was "different" from the age of 5. There had been a lot of other things going on (child abuse, bullying, etc.) that nobody cared to know. As I got older and stumbled my way through life, other things happened (domestic violence, etc.) and the diagnoses were based on those things. It wasn't until I had an emotional breakdown, lost my job, and couldn't function at 47 that I was diagnosed with bipolar. By then the damage was done. Now I have physical issues from previous medications. I cannot get a job and I'm on disability. Despite all that, I keep a more optimistic view of my life. I do what I can to take care of myself and help others if possible. I got 2 out of 3 things I wanted in life when I was 17 so I'm good with that.

Nice post, Fharraige

I saw a psychiatrist at 16, too. I just knew something wasn't right. That I was different. But that pdoc just said I was a "normal teenager". I went from 16 to 33 before I was diagnosed. Dealing with manias and depressions all on my own. Fighting with people because they thought I was crazy and that yelling back at me would help. I grew up in an alcoholic family, too. Still dealing with that at times. So yeah- they didn't know I was bipolar. I didn't know. And I suffered what with that plus my dad being an alcoholic and my mom being borderline. (My guess, anyway.) I spent years dating men I barely knew and having sex with them, too. Sometimes without condoms. I'd get disassociated and wander. Once I got up in the middle of the night and went to starbucks that was open all night and then I got up and drove into town and wandered under this odd fog of mania for hours. Nobody knew. My primary dr finallyl saw something about me and sent me to psych. It took a bit, but I was fianally diagnosed Bipolar NOS which turned into bipolar 1.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I saw a psychiatrist at 16, too. I just knew something wasn't right. That I was different. But that pdoc just said I was a "normal teenager". I went from 16 to 33 before I was diagnosed. Dealing with manias and depressions all on my own. Fighting with people because they thought I was crazy and that yelling back at me would help. I grew up in an alcoholic family, too. Still dealing with that at times. So yeah- they didn't know I was bipolar. I didn't know. And I suffered what with that plus my dad being an alcoholic and my mom being borderline. (My guess, anyway.) I spent years dating men I barely knew and having sex with them, too. Sometimes without condoms. I'd get disassociated and wander. Once I got up in the middle of the night and went to starbucks that was open all night and then I got up and drove into town and wandered under this odd fog of mania for hours. Nobody knew. My primary dr finallyl saw something about me and sent me to psych. It took a bit, but I was fianally diagnosed Bipolar NOS which turned into bipolar 1.

I enjoyed reading your post, Moose. That's the most you've mentioned your personal history since I've been around here.