[Mountaindewed]

I’ve gotten too dependent on her and I don’t think she likes me anymore. I’m getting the same vibes from her that I got from an abusive therapist I had from 2011-2015 and a weird boss I had a few years ago. I need to take into account my mental health. I think my program made me realize that she is not helping. But I told them at the start in 2018 that my autism was not my main issue. But they didn’t listen. So I feel like I ultimately ended up just getting hurt. I do give her a lot of credit for helping me out. But basically all my issues these past number of months can all be traced back to not being able to do in person sessions. So I’m thinking for my own mental health I need to end things before things get worse.

[busymomof5]

Are you running away because you fear the dependency and don’t want to need her so much? She is suddenly reminding you of an abusive former therapist?

You need to talk openly and honestly with her. This is a relationship, one that has meaning to you.

1. I’m feeling some dependency on you which is very uncomfortable to me. I don’t know what to do with my feelings. Can we talk about it? (Is this transference, a healthy, good thing).

2. Remember when I told you about x, my former abusive therapist? Lately, you remind me of her, especially when you do x. I know you are not abusive (presuming) and I wonder why I feel this way? (Possible transference and great way to work through this.)

ETA. Telehealth is not ideal for many, especially with autism. Please tell her how you feel.

[Mountaindewed]

Both. I almost think I have dependent personality disorder. And she’s reminding me of negative people in my life and it’s been giving me bad memories. Plus I felt the need to please her the same way I did with these 2 other people. And it can be extreme sometimes. Like I’m honestly a bit S right now because of this situation.

I also think it will make my move incredibly easier if I am done now.

But I’ll bring up the things you mentioned.

[busymomof5]

This is a great opportunity for growth for you. Maybe you could print out what you’ve said and read it to her. You won’t break the cycle by leaving. You will grow by facing this. Please update us!

[MickeyCheeky]

The final decision is yours. i agree with the wise and wonderful busymomof5 that it'd be best to share your doubts with your therapist before you make any decisions, though. That said, if you do truly feel like this is the best decision to take then there is no shame in that and Hopefully you can conclude things Peacefully and calmly with her. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Mountaindewed, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[*Beth*]

Md, you've been in the same spot for a long time. But when you were away from your T you missed her. I vote that you stay with her and work through your fears, etc. about being in therapy with her.

[Mountaindewed]

I just feel uncomfortable. I feel like I’m pushing boundaries too much with her. Almost uncontrollably. In the one email she replied to today she did mention needing to set boundaries with the emails. Because it was becoming a safety issue. I don’t know what she meant by that. I guess I just misunderstood her in the summer when she said I could email her as much as I want. And I always feel awful after therapy. I missed her a lot the first 2 weeks of IOP but I think I’m getting way too clingy. I also can’t comprehend my move while still seeing her. I thought I’d be needing her to help me through my second surgery, but since I won’t need that right now I don’t know. I feel a ton better mentally and also happier since my weight loss. So I feel like if I just focus on my weight loss and eating healthy instead of constantly being told I have an ED, I’d be ok these next couple months. I just sent her an email about things and she hasn’t replied. I can’t tell if she’s just done or if she maybe felt a bit hurt. I wasn’t mean in the email. But this afternoon I looked at therapists in the area I’m moving to and I found a therapist who is transgender who also works with people with autism. I’m wondering if that’s the next step for me in therapy.

[*Beth*]

The therapist you found in your new location sounds promising!

[busymomof5]

Maybe you are pushing boundaries? Maybe you’re trying to get her to leave you before you leave her. Theory.

Boundaries around emails are tough. I used to have a policy that a client could email me at any time. I would answer within 24 hours. Usually a parent would tell me a child’s symptoms before their appointment. Something small. As I allowed it, emails grew into long stories, pleas for help, and bigger problems needing urgent attention were brought up. I did not have time to answer these completely and also was not compensated for my time. I had to stop allowing emails because they turned into a safety issue. Also, after seeing patients for 8 hours, spending another hour plus on notes, reading through lengthy emails to discover people were in crisis etc was something I just couldn’t do. I couldn’t help them over email.

It’s not personal and it’s not about you. It’s a safety issue.

After I ended emailing but offered phone calls and extra appointments I felt much safer. I still had one patient who got my home address and sent letters. That was a whole other thing.

Speak openly with your therapist
Clarify what you need
If you in fact do have an eating disorder, accept help. First ask why this diagnosis was made and what symptoms you show. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. Own up if it’s there.

But most of all, tell your therapist all of these things.

[Mountaindewed]

She emailed me this morning after saying she wouldn’t, and then got pissed at me that I replied. Well she needs to follow the boundaries rule too. I do have my own set of them.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

She emailed me this morning after saying she wouldn’t, and then got pissed at me that I replied. Well she needs to follow the boundaries rule too. I do have my own set of them.

That's weird.

[Soupe du jour]

She needs to stop playing games.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

She needs to stop playing games.

Yes! This!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

She needs to stop playing games.

I agree. She sounds unstable.

[Mountaindewed]

She was nice today. She started off by doing this thing she does where she asks a friendly random question to kinda break the ice and see what type of mood I’m in. After that we discussed the emails and I told her I had actually asked in program if emailing someone too much was a boundary issue. And I was told in program I had to ask the person. So I kinda felt like the emails were starting to become an issue. She basically just said it’s a safety thing because if I said I’d hurt myself at a specific time and she didn’t get the email until a few hours later and I had done something it would be a liability. Her answer made sense.

But I didn’t freak out or say any of the stuff I had planned. Basically I was just really quite and standoffish but in a polite way. I think she knows I’m a bit pissed but that I do want to keep working with her until I move. Which I really hope is soon.

It’s kinda like that U2 song With Or Without You.

[*Beth*]

It seems to me that most of life is like that U2 song.

[Mountaindewed]

She’s funny. I had told her yesterday that I deleted her email. Then she said awhile later that she was sending me something in email and to save it and then delete her email again. I am sure I’m just not understanding what she’s doing. My mom has her email in case of a legit emergency. Like if something happened to me or because of some other bizarre reason.

I can deal with her until I move I just sometimes get confused by her.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

She’s funny. I had told her yesterday that I deleted her email. Then she said awhile later that she was sending me something in email and to save it and then delete her email again. I am sure I’m just not understanding what she’s doing. My mom has her email in case of a legit emergency. Like if something happened to me or because of some other bizarre reason.

I can deal with her until I move I just sometimes get confused by her.

You've come a long way with your relationship with her!