[*Beth*]

Some of you might remember i was so thrilled to have done my taxes myself last week for the first time and i am 54. I was happy but there was a worry that i had not done them correctly since i ended up with 50% more of a refund then i expected. So i've been worrying. But today the government paid up in full! I did my taxes correctly! I'm really impressed, it only took them five business days to pay up. That's service!

I had a rocky night of sleep but that's because i finally gave in to the time change and went to bed on time, so that meant it was an hour earlier my body-clock time so i'm not surprised i had trouble. It'll smooth out and i have faith that my benzo taper will proceed successfully.

I went in two ZOOM mental health events today and i'm feeling so much better for it! Even if it doesn't go smoothly i am still feeling it's really rejuvenating to connect with people. I didn't realize how awful this Winter was.

Hugs to all!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Some of you might remember i was so thrilled to have done my taxes myself last week for the first time and i am 54. I was happy but there was a worry that i had not done them correctly since i ended up with 50% more of a refund then i expected. So i've been worrying. But today the government paid up in full! I did my taxes correctly! I'm really impressed, it only took them five business days to pay up. That's service!

I had a rocky night of sleep but that's because i finally gave in to the time change and went to bed on time, so that meant it was an hour earlier my body-clock time so i'm not surprised i had trouble. It'll smooth out and i have faith that my benzo taper will proceed successfully.

I went in two ZOOM mental health events today and i'm feeling so much better for it! Even if it doesn't go smoothly i am still feeling it's really rejuvenating to connect with people. I didn't realize how awful this Winter was.

Hugs to all!

All kinds of good news! Yay!!!

[Nammu]

Here’s hoping tonight I do sleep 💤 it’s been 4 days now of nonexistent sleep, oh sure I nod off around 6-7 am but it’s not refreshing and I’m too old for this, my bone ache

[Soupe du jour]

My husband found a psychiatrist near us that speaks some English. He has outstanding ratings and his patients commented how caring and responsive he is. I have an appointment with him at the end of the month. I will still have a video session with my beloved American psychiatrist a couple days later, but if it seems the one here will work out, I will let him soon after start managing my meds. Eventually I will need to let my American psychiatrist go. I've been thinking about this a lot.

We've spent some of the morning relaxing in the living room with a fireplace fire on TV with piano music by Beethoven, Chopin, and others playing in the background. There's a coating of snow on trees and the ground outside.

[buddha1too]

This isn't really bipolar related, but yesterday I found myself extremely agitated by real (perhaps perceived) slights directed at me by one person in particular. I know that person is going through a rough time, so I didn't say anything in response. I carried & replayed that garbage in my head all day, though...playing the tape over & over again. If I'd confronted that person at the time, I know my words wouldn't have "sounded pretty," so it's probably a good thing I bit my tongue. It's just strange how much I can obsess about relatively trivial things sometimes.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Here’s hoping tonight I do sleep 💤 it’s been 4 days now of nonexistent sleep, oh sure I nod off around 6-7 am but it’s not refreshing and I’m too old for this, my bone ache

Any sleep last night?

Soupe, the picture you painted looks & sounds so beautiful in my mind.

[*Beth*]

I had the most wonderful dream that I was driving my old VW Bus all around a city, I was having a blast! Gosh, I miss that car. Nothing has ever been quite as fun as driving it. It was beige with a white top, a '71. Terrific sliding door on the side. My kids spent their young years driving with my husband and I in the "hippie Bus"; they have great memories of it. There was nothing like driving down some country road on a summer day, music on the radio, all windows wide open and the wind blowing through. Good times!

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Buddha, some of us have discussed the tendency that those of us with BD have to ruminate...get stuck on one subject (or conversation, or perception) and go hamster-wheel on it. Do you think your rumination has anything to do with your BD?

I hate to think of it as relating directly to BD. Perhaps it does, though. Hard to say what's is BD & what part of it is just the human condition in general.

Your VW story took me back! Thanks for the memory. Those old VW busses were special...emblematic of an age. In college, my VW was a 1970 Bug with the floors so rusted out I could see the road beneath my feet! The engine seized up, so I had to junk it after about a year, but what a year it was! While getting in an accident in one would have resulted in instantaneous death, it was worth the fun drives.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I hate to think of it as relating directly to BD. Perhaps it does, though. Hard to say what's is BD & what part of it is just the human condition in general.

Your VW story took me back! Thanks for the memory. Those old VW busses were special...emblematic of an age. In college, my VW was a 1970 Bug with the floors so rusted out I could see the road beneath my feet! The engine seized up, so I had to junk it after about a year, but what a year it was! While getting in an accident in one would have resulted in instantaneous death, it was worth the fun drives.

Sorry, I'm half-asleep. I just re-read your post in which you stated your rumination was not BP related.

Instantaneous death is right, haha! My Bus had a rusted hole near the clutch pedal - it was fun, because I could see the road rushing by through the hole
That hole gave the Jackson Browne song "Running on Empty" new meaning (Lookin' out the road I see the road rushing under my wheels...)

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing good today. Yesterday I think I only took one .5 Xanax. But I know I didn’t take my usual 2.5 mil. My anxiety and moods were very mild. I can’t tell if I feel better today because of my new therapist, or the weather, or if I just in general feel bad on Tuesdays and Wednesdays but I feel better towards the end of the week. I don’t know. It’s a pattern I’m trying to figure out.

But both today and yesterday were good. I was on my way to the grocery store early this morning and I figured I really didn’t need anything. Then half an hour ago I realized I do actually need a lot of stuff. Oh well. I can go on Monday.

My therapist sent a release yesterday afternoon so she could talk to the old one. I filled it out and she replied “thanks.” I am not getting involved with emails with this therapist though. I think seeing her in person is what I need and will help with not feeling the urge to email her all the time.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I had the most wonderful dream that I was driving my old VW Bus all around a city, I was having a blast! Gosh, I miss that car. Nothing has ever been quite as fun as driving it. It was beige with a white top, a '71. Terrific sliding door on the side. My kids spent their young years driving with my husband and I in the "hippie Bus"; they have great memories of it. There was nothing like driving down some country road on a summer day, music on the radio, all windows wide open and the wind blowing through. Good times!

That sounds fun. My first love and I had nice memories in a VW bus, as well.

[gina_re]

Well as mentioned on another thread, it seems as tho I lost another "friend". I'm so sick and tired of getting my hopes up with people only to always be let down. This is why I'm so bitter and refuse to let myself get attached to anyone bc I will just get hurt eventually. It seems like its inevitable everytime. Why can't I just have meaningful relationships/friendships? What did I do to deserve this?

[Nammu]

Hey Beth

I went to bed at 12 midnight, read a bit. Did fall asleep until 4am then tossed and turned until 7-9. So 5-6 hours it was. A bit better but not great. The saddest thing was a dream, an apocalyptic dream. We’re fighting for survival and mum turns to me wanting to die cause she’s tired. I’ve been getting those vibes from her for a couple weeks. Ever since her 93rd birthday. She has arthritis and aches everyday. It wears her down. She’s had her second shot and I’ve my first so as soon as the end of April I could drive her to her brothers house about 50-60 minutes away. I think seeing them would do her good.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm trying to write a letter to the family member who died. Last night i woke up at 2 and couldn't stop thinking about it even though I didn't write more or read it since I knew that would agitate me.

I was up until 5 with 2 doses of PRN. I'm so tired and groggy now. I may have to take a nap.

I think the letter is good but it is really hard.The main lesson I've learned is that i miss him. I knew that but now how much I miss him.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Hey Beth

I went to bed at 12 midnight, read a bit. Did fall asleep until 4am then tossed and turned until 7-9. So 5-6 hours it was. A bit better but not great. The saddest thing was a dream, an apocalyptic dream. We’re fighting for survival and mum turns to me wanting to die cause she’s tired. I’ve been getting those vibes from her for a couple weeks. Ever since her 93rd birthday. She has arthritis and aches everyday. It wears her down. She’s had her second shot and I’ve my first so as soon as the end of April I could drive her to her brothers house about 50-60 minutes away. I think seeing them would do her good.

Slight sleep improvement - but it's no wonder you've been having bad dreams; sleep deprivation will do that.


Chronic pain is so pervasive, I can understand how elderly people can just get fed up with it. It's a great idea to take her for a visit! Surely that would pick up her spirits.

[Mountaindewed]

I just had a bottle of pink lady apple kombucha. I was told it was ok to drink those. They have trace amounts of alcohol. After I felt really anxious and short of breath and twitchy and wobbly. I don’t know why that happened. I’ve had plenty of kombucha before. But this was my second one today. I took a Xanax just now because maybe it was just anxiety from the caffeine.

Originally Posted by buddha1too

This isn't really bipolar related, but yesterday I found myself extremely agitated by real (perhaps perceived) slights directed at me by one person in particular. I know that person is going through a rough time, so I didn't say anything in response. I carried & replayed that garbage in my head all day, though...playing the tape over & over again. If I'd confronted that person at the time, I know my words wouldn't have "sounded pretty," so it's probably a good thing I bit my tongue. It's just strange how much I can obsess about relatively trivial things sometimes.

It's so hard to know what to do in this type of situation and there's so little time to decide. Like you, i tend to let things slide and then worry about them after, which is a waste of time. But if i take a risk and assert myself, that's an upset too because it takes such resources to be assertive and i feel nerves and anxiety.

I guess the perceived wisdom is that the more times you assert yourself the easier it gets. But that's just not me! I'm Eeyore Forever!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I just had a bottle of pink lady apple kombucha. I was told it was ok to drink those. They have trace amounts of alcohol. After I felt really anxious and short of breath and twitchy and wobbly. I don’t know why that happened. I’ve had plenty of kombucha before. But this was my second one today. I took a Xanax just now because maybe it was just anxiety from the caffeine.

I love kombucha, but once in a while the small amount of alcohol in it hits me the wrong way. I don't feel good from it. For that reason, I don't drink kombucha as much as I would like to.

Originally Posted by buddha1too

This isn't really bipolar related, but yesterday I found myself extremely agitated by real (perhaps perceived) slights directed at me by one person in particular. I know that person is going through a rough time, so I didn't say anything in response. I carried & replayed that garbage in my head all day, though...playing the tape over & over again. If I'd confronted that person at the time, I know my words wouldn't have "sounded pretty," so it's probably a good thing I bit my tongue. It's just strange how much I can obsess about relatively trivial things sometimes.

I live and breathe that. I've always been that way. I replay and obsess over that situation or moment over and over ad nauseum. Years later it still invokes the same visceral responses. I really do hate that about myself. They may have been trivial, or maybe not -- but with the time past and the moment gone... they're no longer important to harbor the way I do. It's something i'm working on.

I hope your situation resolves itself -- an off day for anyone can trigger a lot of unpleasant interactions. I recently stopped talking to my best friend over some relatively petty, but important things to me. I do not regret my decision to distance myself, but I do hate it is like that.

I don't feel like doing the research -- but I think there is a documented connection between obsessive behaviors, inlcuding rumination of thoughts, and bipolar. So, just to go back a bit, I think your point is very bipolar related. I know I can relate to what you said!

[Moose72]

I picked up N3's girlfriend and N3 today to drive them home. We had a conversation about Disney World and N3 said "S can come..." I said "There aren't any more beds available and the golf carts will only hold six each.." Well I think I upset S because she was very quiet the rest of the time. She can get quiet though, yet sometimes she is very talkative so I don't know what to think. We're having a meeting tomorrow - everybody who is planning to go- via zoom so we'll see. I just feel bad that I said that!

I got up early to take S to work and then came home for several hours before I had to leave for my liver doctor appointment. He said I'm hunky dorey! I'm so happy! I know I still have cirrhosis but I guess it must not be getting worse. I even told him that I've gained 10 pounds since November and he didn't make a big deal out of it! We talked about how fast he can type and he told me that you can get someone to transcribe what you say, but he says its easier just to type it yourself.

I'm doing laundry right now. Time to change it over!

P.S. N3 saw my old car today. He said it was just driving down the street. He knows this one was the exact one because of the two bumper stickers on the tail.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

.....
I got up early to take S to work and then came home for several hours before I had to leave for my liver doctor appointment. He said I'm hunky dorey! I'm so happy! I know I still have cirrhosis but I guess it must not be getting worse. I even told him that I've gained 10 pounds since November and he didn't make a big deal out of it! We talked about how fast he can type and he told me that you can get someone to transcribe what you say, but he says its easier just to type it yourself.

.....

That is GREAT news! Do you have cirrhosis from lithium?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

That is GREAT news! Do you have cirrhosis from lithium?

Maybe. Maybe Zyprexa. It sucks big time. When I was manic a couple years ago, I did a ton of research about the subject and wasn't too happy with what I found! It's all in my blog. April/May 2019.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Maybe. Maybe Zyprexa. It sucks big time. When I was manic a couple years ago, I did a ton of research about the subject and wasn't too happy with what I found! It's all in my blog. April/May 2019.

Geez...that's horrible, Moose.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m kind of panicking right now. I wonder if I should go back to my 80 mil of geodon. If the 100 is too strong. My anxiety seems to get tough at night after I take it.