My alcohol-free wine came today, two cases! It was my treat for doing my taxes. I'm very impressed with the service of the company as it took them only two day to fulfil my order! Now that's service!

I slept well and walked my dog. At one point we have to walk up a long 30 meter ramp and i've decided to call it "Heartbreak Hill" after the hill in the Boston Marathon that so many of the runners struggle with. But we made it today!

It was a beautiful sunny day and we have warm sunny days on the way so i am thrilled!

Hugs to all!

[wildflowerchild25]

Last week we moved into our new house. It’s a disorganized mess but it’s coming along. Honestly neither me nor RS feel like doing much after work! And this week has been so miserable in terms of weather (just cold and rainy and blah) that I’ve just wanted to come home and snuggle up. Tomorrow RS is going to the old house to get the stuff out of the backyard. Our table and chairs and the rest of his “toys” lol. Lawnmowers and the like. We’re probably also going to steal some plants - don’t judge us, the yard was an overgrown mess when we got there and RS worked very hard to get it looking as good as it does now. There are a lot of double daffodils on the side of the old house so I’m going to take a few, RS wants his hostas that he planted. My grandma told me to dig up the strawberries we planted last year too. We have a nice defined bed at the new house. Looks like the possible azaleas on the far side are close to being dead, but I did see a bit of green when I snapped off a branch on the one. It’s hard to know if we’ll be able to bring it back as the branch did snap easily.

In other news I have decided to start meal prepping my lunches. And I decided to do a lot of vegetarian dishes as most meat is just unappetizing to me now. I feel like I can eat it for dinner but I don’t want heavy meals for lunch. I’m going to try a rainbow roasted vegetable and Coucous dish and maybe some Caesar salads for the first week. Trying to maybe do some protein smoothies in the AM but I generally don’t leave time in the morning for anything but throwing **** in my lunch bag.

I feel these days like I never had bipolar in the first place. I definitely have depressive episodes, hell I just got out of one, but I haven’t had even a hypomanic episode that lasted more than a day or two since 2018. I dunno. However I also came to the realization that I was never as “high functioning” as I believed I was. It’s just I ignore everything until I completely break down. That’s my pattern - ignore the signs and wait until it’s so bad someone forces me inpatient. BUT at the same time I’m coming up on 3 years IP free, which hasn’t happened since 2012 when all this **** went down.

Everything is just so complicated, I guess it’s better not to think about it.

[buddha1too]

Holy cow! The thought of moving at this point is quite anxiety provoking for me. We've been living in our current house for 20 years now. My partner has been talking about moving in the not too distant future. Having read about your & Soupe's experiences with moving, I dread the thought of a move even more!

In addition, my aunt just passed away in January, & we had to get her whole house cleared out so we could get it on the market (she'd lived there over 50 years). I came to the realization that if there is space, you will fill it. Our basement is packed with stuff we haven't touched in a decade, but won't throw out because it's "still good." I feel for you, wildflowerchild!

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I feel these days like I never had bipolar in the first place. I definitely have depressive episodes, hell I just got out of one, but I haven’t had even a hypomanic episode that lasted more than a day or two since 2018. I dunno. However I also came to the realization that I was never as “high functioning” as I believed I was. It’s just I ignore everything until I completely break down. That’s my pattern - ignore the signs and wait until it’s so bad someone forces me inpatient.

I could have written this. Recently I was lamenting the absence of hypomanic episodes, but someone (I think it was Soupe) wrote that we shouldn't romanticize hypomania too much. That's good advice for me, since I would occasionally run myself off the rails when I thought I was cruising along nicely. Hypomania is a nice high but, as my mother used to say, "It's a lot of fun until someone loses an eye!"

Everything is just so complicated, I guess it’s better not to think about it.

Life is complicated, & will remain so. Like you, I try not to focus too much on BD. My thoughts are generally better spent elsewhere.

Thanks for the insightful post, wildflowerchild. I got a lot out of it.

[*Beth*]

Maybe I'm truly crazy, but I could swear I've had some psychiatric symptoms from the first vaccine. Earlier in the week I was feeling fairly depressed. Last night the depression coupled with anxiety the likes of which I haven't felt in ages. I'm definitely listing the possible side effects on the "reporting side effects" link they gave to me when I was vaccinated. I'm not complaining, just noticing. I'm quite certain that little or no research was done on the psych effects of the covid vaccines.

[Soupe du jour]

Today I had a sudden bout of anxiety and/or racing heart. Possibly Klonopin withdrawal effect or just anxiety, I don't know. In any case, I'm also quite disappointed that I wasted ingredients (money) and time trying to make an American recipe for oatmeal raisin nut cookies, but with Czech groceries. I happened to find a Czech language recipe that was exactly the same as my favorite American one, except using a certain Czech flour. I thought, "Great!" but found them to be a complete failure in the end. I think that Czech recipe blogger stole the American recipe and just translated everything (including the gram measurements) other than the flour type. It makes a difference! That, or maybe also the oats were slightly different, and yet I was careful to scrutinize them and they looked the same and their cooking time on the label was also the same as rolled oats in the US. The flour issue is a big one. If I ever want to make them again, I'm going to have to experiment using a combination of two Czech flours. If it never works out, I guess I'll have to ask my sister to make cookies the next time I visit. This type of situation proves that baking is a science. Different than cooking.

I asked my husband to help me write a negative review in the Czech blogger's comments section.

[Mountaindewed]

I did a 10 minute guided imagery session on my phone last night. It helped me with my anxiety and with that and a 10 milligram of melatonin I got to sleep. I still woke up for a bit around 2:30. Today I feel ok. I’m a bit anxious but that’s because I had an espresso coffee. Today I’m just doing my usual Saturday chores and things. Last night I recorded the first episode of the new season of one of the shows I like. But right now I’m just watching my usual weekend sitcoms. I got the pair of boots I’ve been wanting for a couple years. My stimulus check is really helping out with everything. I got some bills to pay and stuff too.

I’ve been avoiding the grocery store because my old coworker is kind of transphobic. She thinks she’s being nice. She’s just clueless. She knows based on my Facebook that I go by he/him and that I have a new name. But when I see her at the store she continues to call me by my original name and she misgenders me. It’s really obnoxious because she knows I’m trans. Today my mom had to go and she saw her and the coworker asked why I never come in the store anymore. Um...

I just got my shot and I feel a bit sick right now but it could be the coffee. I’ve been feeling sick and tired when I get them. Then I get super hungry.

[gina_re]

I've been doing this for a while, where I pick the skin on my fingers. I don't know if this is some kind of anxiety coping mechanism bc I sometimes feel better after doing so, even when its deep enough to draw blood. I've been doing it all morning. Is this abnormal?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I've been doing this for a while, where I pick the skin on my fingers. I don't know if this is some kind of anxiety coping mechanism bc I sometimes feel better after doing so, even when its deep enough to draw blood. I've been doing it all morning. Is this abnormal?

It's called "dermatillomania" and I've been doing it since I was a child. The only time I've been able to stop is when I've had artificial nails on, which I really don't like doing. But I've had them done at times just to stop the skin-picking habit (the fake nails prevent me from being able to scrape and pick my skin).

It is an anxiety response, yes.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by gina_re

I've been doing this for a while, where I pick the skin on my fingers. I don't know if this is some kind of anxiety coping mechanism bc I sometimes feel better after doing so, even when its deep enough to draw blood. I've been doing it all morning. Is this abnormal?

My brother-in-law has had a long-term issue with what you describe. His fingers look awful and are even scarred from years of such intense picking. I agree with BethRags that it is surely either anxiety or some kind of negative coping mechanism. I think that many of us have some kind of negative coping mechanism. Mine have varied over the course of my life. A permanent sign of one I have had is extreme wear of my teeth from daytime bruxism.

[Mountaindewed]

I went down on my Geodon. I took 80 tonight instead of 100. It just seemed like I was always having negative thoughts and bad anxiety right after taking the 100mil. My doctor told me that the weekly doses of my injection will take awhile to see a change. But I’m already seeing one. So maybe that is all I need.

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My brother-in-law has had a long-term issue with what you describe. His fingers look awful and are even scarred from years of such intense picking. I agree with BethRags that it is surely either anxiety or some kind of negative coping mechanism. I think that many of us have some kind of negative coping mechanism. Mine have varied over the course of my life. A permanent sign of one I have had is extreme wear of my teeth from daytime bruxism.

Originally Posted by BethRags

It's called "dermatillomania" and I've been doing it since I was a child. The only time I've been able to stop is when I've had artificial nails on, which I really don't like doing. But I've had them done at times just to stop the skin-picking habit (the fake nails prevent me from being able to scrape and pick my skin).

It is an anxiety response, yes.

Thank you Beth and Soupdejour! I have to agree that it is most likely a coping mechanism. Sometimes it hurts when I do it, but I feel so much better when I do. I'm going to take Beth's advice and get my nails done. First bc it will help me feel better about myself right now, also it's that self care I was self care I brought up earlier. And I need to get my hands looking better. I'm tired of the skin picking.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by gina_re

Thank you Beth and Soupdejour! I have to agree that it is most likely a coping mechanism. Sometimes it hurts when I do it, but I feel so much better when I do. I'm going to take Beth's advice and get my nails done. First bc it will help me feel better about myself right now, also it's that self care I was self care I brought up earlier. And I need to get my hands looking better. I'm tired of the skin picking.

I think even having just gel polish on my natural nails made the skin-picking impossible, because my nails were too thick. Of course, all the nail stuff ruins your natural nails.

[gina_re]

Well today wasn't so bad. I had an awkward conversation with my "friend" so at least we cleared the air. Basically what it comes down to is we probably just need some space from each other. But we'll still remain in touch. So I'm back to being alone again. Other than that, I went to my sister's so that my brother in law can change the oil in my car. Which was cool bc I got to see my nephews and niece again today. It's always nice to see them bc I forget about all the bs in my life when I'm with them. Then my sis and I hung out for a bit. I eventually did go and get that manicure so I can "feel pretty" and enjoy some self care for once. I'm happy with the results, I just hope I can maintain this for a while. And I've tried to pick my skin out of habit, and I couldn't. So we'll see how long I can deal with that.
I came home, did a couple discussion posts, and now I'm about to finish reading the chapter and maybe start on this paper. Overall, a productive day. Thanks again for the help! You guys are the best, thats why I love this forum.

[Moose72]

Today I woke up at 1230 because my mom called. I had gotten up at six yesterday so I guess I was making up for that. We had a meeting about our Disney trip a year from now- costs, where people are sleeping, when we should buy plane tickets and our park admission. My mom has been calling Disney World and arranging the campground reservations. We have to do a bit of this very soon so that the park capacity isn't full! I found a forum called "disboards" that is entirely about planning your Disney vacation. I signed up there in 2014 when we went to Disneyland and stayed with my sister.

[*Beth*]

Here it is, the first day of spring. Winter seems to have flown by so rapidly. I have to pressure my husband to commit to taking a drive so I can see the wildflowers, maybe next Sunday. I've stayed inside almost all of the time since covid began; it's gotten to where I've become anxious about leaving my apartment. Not good. It would never dawn on him to ask if I need to get out.

The strangest part about getting vaccinated is realizing that just because I'm vaxxed doesn't mean covid is over for me. Yes, I have a much stronger immunity to the illness, but masks...still. Distancing...still. Isolation...will I ever really get over this feeling of isolation? I'm fine with solitude, but this degree of isolation is sick, in itself.

I had an okay day. The ZOOM Drop-In was a disappointment. A young woman introduced a subject saying she knew it wasn't a support group BUT and then proceeded to take up all the time talking about a recent sexual assault and how her life is in chaos. I know we have to be compassionate first and foremost so i listened supportively and told her about a resource that might be able to help her. But, darn it all, there are crisis lines for people in crisis and this is just supposed to be a light casual social hour where we can heal from the intense loneliness of COVID. And i felt bad for the couple of men there who might have felt uncomfortable.

BethRags surely had it right when she said in mental health support you never know what you're going to get!

Life is so darn messy!

Hugs to all!

[Moose72]

Our Disney trip meeting yesterday went well. We talked about when we'll need to get park reservations and passes, how much its all going to cost, where we are staying at the campground etc. Unfortunately we are going during "Spring break 'season'" which lasts a whole month! Guess we'll just have to deal.

This morning, I took N3s gf to work by 8:00. I got up at 6 a.m. so I could relax with my coffee before I left. There was frost on the back window of the car which I scraped off but then I got to use the rear defrost to get what was left! The small joys in life! I also turned on the heat and it was warm by the time I got to S's place. My old car's fan would go out periodically hence no heat.

[Soupe du jour]

Today has been mostly pleasant. In the morning, we did some last minute spiffying of the house in preparation for a visit from Hubby's best friend. That friend lives near where we used to live in NJ, but he's also a Czech and visits Czech Republic often for business. He was sort of our first official guest, if you exclude my sister-in-law, the two worker friends who did painting and other tasks for us, and our land lady and her husband.

The three of us went for a long walk, in light snow, around where we live. I think my husband's friend was quite impressed with the beauty of the area, literally 20 minutes from the downtown of the second largest city in the country.The immediate area has rolling hills, orchards, village homes, a horse ranch, pubs (though not currently open due to covid) and hiking trails. Other people were walking, some with kids. We all had a layer of snow on our hoods and coats. Two little boys walked by with giant snowballs, obviously happy with themselves. They, and some other little boy, had rosy cheeks from being outside in the snow, and big smiles on their faces. Little Czech kids are required to say "Good day!" (Dobry den!) to adults, which is different than in the US, where many kids are taught to walk away saying nothing to strangers. Near the horse ranch there were about six people riding horses, some seemingly for the first time. As we walked up a hill with an arboretum, horses stood there staring at us, like we were amusements.

[Mountaindewed]

I woke up at 12:30 last night. I was up for a bit but then I found a 5 hour white noise on my Amazon music app. Once I put that on and did my deep breathing I learned in group, I was asleep pretty fast. Today I feel ok. I went down on my Geodon last night because I noticed my anxiety was bad after I took it. I didn’t have any anxiety last night. So I’ll see how it goes being on the lower dose.

I’m pretty bummed about my old therapist. I was doing incredibly well until I decided to be nosy last night. But I’m thinking about her a lot today and I’m kind of depressed about her. I’m trying to keep myself busy because we are staging the house today, the photographer is coming tomorrow, and then on Tuesday we list the house. So I am pretty busy and distracted today for the most part.

[Sunflower123]

I’m really struggling today. I’m deeply depressed and feel hopeless and defeated.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m really struggling today. I’m deeply depressed and feel hopeless and defeated.

I'm sorry, Jennifer. Is there anything in particular going on?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm sorry, Jennifer. Is there anything in particular going on?

I think 95% of the time I’m optimistic and I work hard at recovering and managing this illness well enough to go back to some semblance of a normal life. Then there is the 5% where reality steps in and I realize it’s not going to happen for me. Today is part of that 5%. Thanks for asking.

[gina_re]

Well my friend and I had an argument. So I guess thats the end of that. I deleted his number from my phone so I'm not tempted to contact him again. I'm just so frustrated with myself for being so bad with friendships. And what pisses me off the most is that I spent so much money on that man among other things and I got nothing in return.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I think 95% of the time I’m optimistic and I work hard at recovering and managing this illness well enough to go back to some semblance of a normal life. Then there is the 5% where reality steps in and I realize it’s not going to happen for me. Today is part of that 5%. Thanks for asking.

I was just having similar thoughts. Maybe I'm having a 5% day today, too. Awoke this morning after a night of bad dreams that I know are fueled by taking Seroquel to sleep. If I don't take the Seroquel I won't sleep. I told myself that "one day" maybe I'll be able to stop taking medication. For a moment my mood lifted - then I thought, Yeah, right...who am I kidding? I'll very likely be stuck with meds and their side effects until the day I die. Most days I manage the thought pretty well. Some days I just feel defeated.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I was just having similar thoughts. Maybe I'm having a 5% day today, too. Awoke this morning after a night of bad dreams that I know are fueled by taking Seroquel to sleep. If I don't take the Seroquel I won't sleep. I told myself that "one day" maybe I'll be able to stop taking medication. For a moment my mood lifted - then I thought, Yeah, right...who am I kidding? I'll very likely be stuck with meds and their side effects until the day I die. Most days I manage the thought pretty well. Some days I just feel defeated.

I’m sorry you are struggling today. I hope we both feel better soon.