[MuddyBoots]

Just spent a month's worth of time in the IP House. Vraylar upped to 6mg, zyprexa added, valium added, lithium lowered, temazepam stopped. But here's the funny thing. There was a packaging error and they gave me 50mg of risperdal instead of 37.5 Had an allergic reaction that I don't remember and no one will tell me about other than "I got very sick.". Definintely had the worst psychosis of my life. I have almost no memory of three weeks and the memories I do have are false/never happened. I was extremely confused and disoriented during this time. Oh, I got lithium toxicity too (level 2.0) because I refused to eat for a week.

I'm back to functioning, but I'm not really better. I was relying on extra PRN valium to sleep but they didn't prescribe that extra bit hence me being up at 1am. I still SH'd in the hospital without anyone noticing but I think now that I have my normal coping skills back I can stop that.

I'm doing PHP to keep tweaking my meds. I'm still very paranoid of food. I hate being on 3 antipsychotics, but at least the zyprexa is only prn.

I wish I could say I'm happy to be home, but honestly other than seeing my cats, I'm not. I'm still very confused about what happened and mad about it. Two of the counselors became like a mother figure to me. A better mom, really.

Going forward, I'm going to stop eating again. I'm undeserving. Power's flickering so I'm just going to post this and maybe edit it later before I lose it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Welcome back Sapien. That sounds like a horrible month. I hope that things start to level off for you now.

[Soupe du jour]

Sending you virtual hugs, Sapien. Based on what you wrote, I must say that your situation still sounds quite worrisome. Please stay safe and be kind to yourself. Please tell the therapist and psychiatrist at the PHP exactly how you're feeling, including your desire to stop eating. I know these weeks have been hell, but things do get better in time.

I wouldn't dwell on having to take three antipsychotics at the same time. You're far from the only person who has. Years back, I had several month periods when I took three, simultaneously. And all three were part of my regular mix. But gradually some were reduced and some eliminated. That's because my illness was eventually eased. I have taken only one antipsychotic for quite a long while now.

Bipolar blackouts, during severe episodes, are not so very rare. Frankly, I only have clear memories of maybe five of my 10 psych hospitalizations. Clearly the periods of blackouts were traumatic periods. That's just what the brain does during such times, I guess. Perhaps sometimes for the best?

@Sapien:

Very worried about your plan to stop eating to punish yourself. I so don't want that for you! Of course you deserve to eat and be comfortable and healthy and experience the pleasure of food. Please seek help from your PHP program if this message does not convince you. Stopping eating will only make things worse. I want you healthy!

Glad you encountered some good counsellors during your IP stay. Decent helping professionals can surely make all the difference. Take heed of what @Soupe du jour said, i don't have her experience with psychosis and her advice makes good sense.

Be well! Accept help!

[*Beth*]

You know if you stop eating you'll cause harm to your body, which will lead to a big hassle you probably don't need.

I know that feeling about having to take 3 AP's, but sometimes we do.

[RoxanneToto]

You don’t deserve any punishment, even from yourself. I will admit I know very little about bipolar and what living with it is like but you deserve compassion.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you've been through also! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it seems like you've been throuhg a lot and that you don't deserve any punishment so i Hope you won't punish yourself or anyone. Please do eat properly and do anything necessary to keep yourself healthy and Good. i think it is really good that you at least have some counselors to support you and hopefully you will be able to handle everything almost on your own. Take the meds as a necessary precaution and remember that the doses may not have to be so high in the future and some meds you may even be allowed to quit. i Hope things will improve really soon for you as well as everyone. Do update us if possible if you want to obviously. Do take care of yourself and others. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Sapien, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[~Christina]

Please nourish your body because that will help you find more stability

[MuddyBoots]

I take back the not eating bit. I am going to continue to seriously consider everything I eat though (only sealed packages or things other people have eaten the same food in front of me). I'm not so mad about the sthing I don't remember, I'm mad about the things I do remember that weren't real, and I'm mad that I was poisoned twice.

[Fuzzybear]

Sometimes I feel undeserving of food too. I agree with Christina, please nourish your body as it will help you find more stability