[UpDownMiddleGround]

This weekend, my greatest fear was realized when I was told to either get into the car to go to the hospital or the police would be called. I was so angry, yet to tired and depressed that I slept for an entire day. A locked unit is a dehumanizing place. In all of my years, I have never had things taken from me and I've never had my every movement monitored like they were in that place. I hated it and I thought that I would never want to go back. Furthermore, this was my family's first time experiencing how bad it can get. I hate that too. They are looking at me and treating me like I'm broken. They are constantly checking to see if I am ok and I'm not.

I received a copy of an electronic chart that described me as flat, depressed, angry and uncooperative. Well, that might be me on a good day. Anyway, after breaking down in front of my doc, begging to go home, I didn't expect her to discharge me.

I thought I could handle it what was ahead. That was until I got in the car and discovered that a relative had been murdered. Since then I have gone from numb to feeling like my heart has been ripped apart, to numb again. I can't focus on things that I need to get done. I'm not ok. I thought that I was leaving to handle current stressors. I was not prepared to add something else. I feel like I am going to short circuit. This morning, the idea of laying in that little bed in the room with white walls, shut off from the world, with someone cattle calling me to eat sounded comforting. I realized that I am not going to be able to fix me without some help.

So I reached out to my pdoc to see what are my options now. Well, she didn't call me back today. She is my third pdoc and both of the others worked for private practices. When I called. They responded. This pdoc works for a very large counseling practice. It's been hard to figure out how things work there. I need some help. I'm lost and I don't know what to do to get back on track. I'm a little disappointed that the same pdoc who told me that people don't typically leave the hospital as quickly as I was requesting didn't call me back today. Maybe it's punishment. Maybe she regrets taking me as a patient. I don't know but I hope she calls tomorrow.

[Nammu]

yes hospitals aren’t optimal but sometimes they do help in their limited way.

[*Beth*]

I've found that the one good thing inpatient is for is to expedite medication changes.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry about what happened and So Sorry for your Loss! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that hospitals can sometimes help and that a med change may also help perhaps. From what you wrote it still seems like you're struggling a lot. If things get bad again please do consider coming back. i know it must have been a scary experience for you perhaps but you do Live right now and that is what should matter. i Hope your Pdoc will contact you soon. Please do update us if possible if you want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @UpDownMiddleGround, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've found that the one good thing inpatient is for is to expedite medication changes.

Except when they throw up their hands and don't change your meds at all! I had to wait till I got home for pdoc to change my meds. So what was the hospitalization for?

Possible trigger:

Just to keep me away from sharp objects I guess.

[RoxanneToto]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through (and I’d like to offer my condolences for the loss of your relative. It’s natural to feel those extremes of emotion that you described).

[*Beth*]

How are you doing?

[UpDownMiddleGround]

I went back into the hospital on the 13 th and stayed for 6 days. It was the best place for me at the time that I went in. I've been improving yet still struggling day by day. I feel like when I am asked by my support system how I'm doing that I'm truthful in the moment by telling them that I'm ok. But when I get alone or have any downtime to myself, I slip back into unhealthy thinking. I'm trying to be kind to myself and give myself time, but I'm tired of feeling like this. The only med change has been to take me off of an amphetamine. I wonder if some of this is withdrawal from that. At the same time, I've gone a few days without it before and have not felt like this. I'm struggling to pull myself out of this. It's miserable to be here.

We are still dealing with my relative's death. A suspect was arrested yesterday and a memorial service is on Saturday. I'm want to be with my family, but thinking about her service gives me anxiety. That's on top of the anxiety that I am feeling every evening.

I have had a pdoc appt this week and a session with my T that left me in tears and anxious even with her trying to work through some calming techniques with me. I talk to a case manager tomorrow and I have another session with my therapist on Friday. I'm trying, I don't know what else to do.

How long does it usually take you to snap out of depression. This is taking longer than it usually takes for me.

[Nammu]

My depressions have varied from a couple months to over a year. But those longer ones I didn’t seek help, I just hibernated at home un medicated. Sounds like you are doing the right things.

[~Christina]

My condolences on losing a family member in such a tragic way

There have been many times I have gone IP just to keep myself safe and often I didn't have a med change. It was a safe place to be and I had great Doctors, Nurses, Mental health Tech's. I knew if I needed a person to talk to all I had to do was ask.

Depressions can be short or long. When it comes to Bipolar it will eventually spit you out the other side. Bipolar cycles that's the only you can bet money on.

Be kind and gentle with yourself

[*Beth*]

Thank you for checking back in. Nammu is correct. You are doing all the right things. And maybe the funeral isn't the best idea for you at this time. I understand what you mean about feeling "okay" in that moment, but once alone you feel differently. I guess the best thing to do is tell your support people about it. I should do the same.