[Victoria'smom]

Possible trigger:

My son Friday was having suicidal thoughts with a plan

He didn't want to go to the hospital because he'd be even further behind in school. So we worked out a schedule and got him caught up for last week. His disability paperwork is being worked on. He's sleeping in the living room and I'm on the couch to make myself available at night. I'm taking half of my thorizine so I'm easier to wake up at night.

His T was no help just saying next time he needs to go to the hospital. But what about now? Sure he says he's feeling a little better. He doesn't want to do iop/php because he has school work and he doesn't want to loose his T.
But this kid needs something he doesn't see his T until the end of the month and he's about 3 months out to see his pdoc. I'm left trying to hold everything together. I'm going to break soon.

I'm still depressed myself. I want to take my full med. cry myself to sleep in my bed without judgment but I don't feel right doing that. It's going to seep out some how. All of us are depressed. I'm isolating/listening to music on my headphones. I don't see pdoc until mid next month. I'll probably erase this later. I just don't know what to do at this point.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I honestly don't know what to say that might help but try to get some rest. You have to take care of yourself first.

I understand why your son doesn't want IOP/PHP but could he do one that meets for a few hours in the afternoon or evening? Even on Zoom? That shouldn't completely mess up school since they are designed for people who are working or have limited availability.

Can he get an emergency appt with his pdoc?

[Victoria'smom]

He doesn't like his Pdoc and minimized last week when he talked to him. That's why I want him in IOP/PHP maybe someone he sees more regularly he would feel more comfortable with.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Please take care of yourself. Not sleeping isn't going to help either of you if you wind up even more depressed.

[Victoria'smom]

I took my full amount of thorizine but I'm still on the couch just in case.

[Victoria'smom]

I slept till 2 pm. I have therapy in a week.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm glad you took the rest of the thorazine and got rest. How are you feeling today? How is Miguel?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm still tired and not doing much. He's really upset about his grades. So we had him stop doing any work today and just take it easy. He did manage a shower today but he's struggling.

He's/we also dealing with family that want to know why he's not applying to grad school when just a couple of months ago we were talking about moving for grad school. I'm just telling people it's his senior year he's burned out he's going to freelance for a little while. They all ask about him loosing his scholarship... and I want to scream "I don't give a **** about whether he finishes, or looses the scholarship because he take a break, or what he's going to do next I want him safe whatever that means."

We've already told him that he can fail all his classes, decide not to go back and we'd still be proud of him. But he doesn't believe us yet. Everyone is worried about his future and I just want him to have a future. I'm sick of hearing about all the potential he has. It's no good if he's not around. I had to send a text to my parents to please not mention grad school to him. He's really kicking himself feeling he'll no longer get into grad school... EVER. Kids fighting for his life and people are pressuring him.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

He's so fortunate to have you. You're a good mom.

[Victoria'smom]

That means a lot to me because I don't feel that way right now.

[bizi]

Oh dear,
Please don't beat yourself up.

You are doing the best that you can
do at this present moment.
That is all you can do.
You are being there for him.
speaks volumes!
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

Thanks bizi I'm trying not to. It's hard knowing it's a genetic thing not an environmental thing. There's nothing I can do to change this he has to ride it out until we find another solution.

[Victoria'smom]

It's been a week not much has changed. He wants to go see family and visit colleges so that's what we're doing in about a little over week. He doesn't want to go to school right now but wants to see his options. He's doing all the things to prepare for school. The extended family is putting a lot of pressure on him. They want to have conversations with him about school when he visits and he knows this. I think this is just going to make things harder on him but he's an adult I can't protect him.

I'm sleeping a lot during the day but I'm still on the couch. I'm not ready to play pretend again.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm still tired and not doing much. He's really upset about his grades. So we had him stop doing any work today and just take it easy. He did manage a shower today but he's struggling.

He's/we also dealing with family that want to know why he's not applying to grad school when just a couple of months ago we were talking about moving for grad school. I'm just telling people it's his senior year he's burned out he's going to freelance for a little while. They all ask about him loosing his scholarship... and I want to scream "I don't give a **** about whether he finishes, or looses the scholarship because he take a break, or what he's going to do next I want him safe whatever that means."

We've already told him that he can fail all his classes, decide not to go back and we'd still be proud of him. But he doesn't believe us yet. Everyone is worried about his future and I just want him to have a future. I'm sick of hearing about all the potential he has. It's no good if he's not around. I had to send a text to my parents to please not mention grad school to him. He's really kicking himself feeling he'll no longer get into grad school... EVER. Kids fighting for his life and people are pressuring him.

THIS ^^^

[RoxanneToto]

I’m sorry you and your son are struggling and family are adding extra anxiety to the situation, even if they mean well. It’s obvious you love and care for him as a person, and understand his needs, which counts for a lot. I don’t have much advice but I hope things can come to a favourable conclusion, whatever that might ultimately look like.

[Victoria'smom]

I got manic level rage last night because I finally slept in my bed last night and H didn't even look up from his phone to say goodnight, for hours. Logically I know he didn't mean anything by it but my internal reaction was wanting to throw his phone, SH then ask for a divorce. I sat there doing grounding techniques until I passed out because of my meds. I'm not looking forward to leaving. None of us are stable. I feel I barely escaped hospitalization last night.

[bizi]

Can you get into the habit of chatting with your husband, ask him to put his phone down. my hubby has ear buds on at night sometimes but knows that I like to interact with him.We always kiss each other good night, and hope you sleep well. It is a routine that I cherish.
If you can create some sort of bed time behavior, I think that would be helpful.
just a thought.
bizi

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I got manic level rage last night because I finally slept in my bed last night and H didn't even look up from his phone to say goodnight, for hours. Logically I know he didn't mean anything by it but my internal reaction was wanting to throw his phone, SH then ask for a divorce. I sat there doing grounding techniques until I passed out because of my meds. I'm not looking forward to leaving. None of us are stable. I feel I barely escaped hospitalization last night.

I am sorry that you were that upset and barely escaped hospitalization.
Have you guys ever had family counseling?
It could really help at least in my opinion, to have a neutral person there so you can say what you want to say and it is safe environment.
just a thought bizi

[Victoria'smom]

I talked to him this morning about it. Up until covid I went with him to his therapy and he would come to mine sometimes. But with anxiety we're only doing telle health. I have never met my therapist ever.