[therealstacy]

How do I know if I'm friends with a person out of desperation? I've known my friend for 10 years. We laugh together a lot and I feel like she understands me like few other people do. We've built a lot of good memories. But when she's around, she can be very critical. She criticizes how I take care of my cat, how I clean the house, and how I treat my abusive brother (which is by ignoring him). I feel like she's saying I can't do anything right. It hurts. And she portrays herself as an enlightened human being who has all the answers. Gag.

I don't have a lot of friends because it's hard for me to trust people. Am I friends with this person, who makes me feel terrible periodically, out of desperation? Should I find a way to get out? Or am I being overly sensitive? I don't know anymore.

[Soupe du jour]

Welcome to the forum @therealstacy!

I understand your situation all too well, unfortunately. Both the lack of friends due to trust issues, and questioning if a friendship is healthy.

Regarding your friend's hypercriticalness, is this fairly new behavior or a tendency from the start? The answer's useful. We all have stressful times when irritability shows its head. I have! It's a shame when the anger becomes directed at others, unfairly or overly harshly. Could your friend be too stressed? If so, you might mention the change, that it concerns you, and that you are suffering some consequences and may need to step away, if it continues. For your well-being. But that you do care!

If your friend is hypercritical by nature, welcome to the club of people that know such types. I do. It is tough changing them. When I was younger, I received such criticism silently. As I've aged, I try to halt it on the spot more readily. I'm sure she is farrrrrr from perfect. A critical nature is an example. Do speak up before quitting her. Consider rehearsing such conversations beforehand to ensure they're "constructive" or "concerned" rather than confrontational. If she angers from it anyway, well, you did your best.

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi, therealstacy! Thank you for posting this. You sound like me. Everything Soupe du jour said sounds so completely right on, I can't really add much. But I can at least help you know that you are understood & that there are others like you. I have experienced your dilemma & lost a good friendship twice because I didn't let them know how I felt. The lack of trust is obviously an immensely difficult problem. It's based upon painful history, & I think it's only natural that we want to protect ourselves. I hope you can save your enjoyable friendship & make it better if you are able to.

[sarahsweets]

Have you ever said something to her? I suspect not. Before throwing in the towel I would tell her that it hurts you. Be sure to used 'I" words and explain you're hurt; rather than bringing up specific instances. I mean assuming she is open you guys can get real deep or she could just apologize and work harder on minding her own business instead of yours. I think convo is in order before you have a breakup.

@therealstacy:

I'm sorry you're in this situation. The posters above have given a lot of good input. Since you've been friends with this woman for so long, ten years, a long time, i think it is worth having a conversation to try and work it out. I let a friend go last Summer because she was insensitive but i'd only met with her twice and i felt if i had to instruct her on how to be nice to me it wasn't worthwhile. But that was a brand new friend. You've put ten years into this person so it's worth trying to see if you can adjust things so you're more comfortable.

I know what you mean about desperation. I've had a lot of bad romance out of desperation. Trying to get more comfortable being alone, but it isn't easy.

Best of luck!

[therealstacy]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Welcome to the forum @therealstacy!

If your friend is hypercritical by nature, welcome to the club of people that know such types. I do. It is tough changing them. When I was younger, I received such criticism silently. As I've aged, I try to halt it on the spot more readily. I'm sure she is farrrrrr from perfect. A critical nature is an example. Do speak up before quitting her. Consider rehearsing such conversations beforehand to ensure they're "constructive" or "concerned" rather than confrontational. If she angers from it anyway, well, you did your best.

Soupe, she's always been like this to some degree, and I've been suffering silently a lot like you did. I did speak up recently and I plan to do more of that. A bunch of other things have happened that I didn't mention here, but it's probably not considerate to totally end things with her all of a sudden. Better to practice a conversation as you mentioned.

[therealstacy]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Hi, therealstacy! Thank you for posting this. You sound like me. Everything Soupe du jour said sounds so completely right on, I can't really add much. But I can at least help you know that you are understood & that there are others like you. I have experienced your dilemma & lost a good friendship twice because I didn't let them know how I felt. The lack of trust is obviously an immensely difficult problem. It's based upon painful history, & I think it's only natural that we want to protect ourselves. I hope you can save your enjoyable friendship & make it better if you are able to.

Breaking Dawn, thank you for your support. It's so nice to be able to come to a place where people understand.

I think I need to talk to her about a lack of trust. That's been on my mind for some time yet I've never done anything about it.

[therealstacy]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Have you ever said something to her? I suspect not. Before throwing in the towel I would tell her that it hurts you. Be sure to used 'I" words and explain you're hurt; rather than bringing up specific instances. I mean assuming she is open you guys can get real deep or she could just apologize and work harder on minding her own business instead of yours. I think convo is in order before you have a breakup.

I've spoken to her about some things recently but it's too soon to tell what will happen.

[therealstacy]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@therealstacy:

I'm sorry you're in this situation. The posters above have given a lot of good input. Since you've been friends with this woman for so long, ten years, a long time, i think it is worth having a conversation to try and work it out. I let a friend go last Summer because she was insensitive but i'd only met with her twice and i felt if i had to instruct her on how to be nice to me it wasn't worthwhile. But that was a brand new friend. You've put ten years into this person so it's worth trying to see if you can adjust things so you're more comfortable.

I know what you mean about desperation. I've had a lot of bad romance out of desperation. Trying to get more comfortable being alone, but it isn't easy.

Best of luck!

You're right. I've put a lot of time and energy into this relationship. It would be a shame to let it go altogether. Being alone is tough. That's one reason I've held onto this relationship for so long. There are degrees of friendship. Perhaps it would be better to be less close. I don't know. It's worth talking to her about.

[therealstacy]

Everybody, this is great feedback. I left out a bunch of painful situations I've been through with this friend, but you get the general idea. It's definitely worth having a conversation with her to figure out what the problem is and whether things can ever get better.