Bipolar check-in #64

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @BethRags I hope you got some good sleep as well. Police paranoia is one of my lovely variations as well and it’s just as terrible as the rest of them. I do hope your new provider will help you much more than that previous old bag.

"Old bag" - that made me giggle.

Did you go to the tattoo shop? I love tattoo shops, I feel so at home in them. Did you get a new piercing?

Thank you for all the support. It means the world.

I took 50mg of Seroquel and slept hard. I feel so tired and achy now. Staring at things and can't seem to blink my eyes. You all probably know what I mean.

I'm still feeling paranoid, though not quite as angry. Slowed down. I wish I could see my therapist today, but she's not in on Fridays, and the medication clinic is closed on Fridays. I do have appointments with both on Tuesday, so that's good.

I'm always afraid to take ibuprophen because it gets such a bad rap, but it's so helpful for me, takes away achiness (pretty much) and makes me feel less crappy, in general. So I guess I'll take some. Then I have to sweep and mop, do some book business work, and wash my hair. It'll be an upper to play with my hair a little bit.

Whew. If only I could go back to bed and sleep for hours. Oh! Lucky thing I was going to cancel my blood labs today, because somebody screwed up and didn't schedule my appointment. I would have fasted for nothing. So I have an appt. on 5/2, first one avaialable. Sheesh, seems like everybody in town is getting blood draws.

OMG, I have to stop staring at things and stand up.

Hugs!

I'm feeling better, the ibuprofen helped a lot, I think it was a really bad migraine which was why I was nauseous too. I feel okay today, just very tired since I have been up since yesterday. Thanks for asking

Caleb isn't here yet and hasn't called and our reservation is in 45 minutes.

Had a fantastic time despite the lack of sleep and the horrible weather. It’s certainly colder than they said and the rain, blah 😒

I got a soft moss cable knit blanket that I love. At the earth store I replenished my essential oil s and bought these lovely mood earrings and a rose quartz necklace to wear with my life tree pendant. Picked up some bath and body hand soap on sale. It was lovely to be in a mall again. To bad we have to travel so far now to do so.

Fruit salad, sausage and pancakes are all cooked! Just waiting to surprise Ben with his new electric guitar!

Today was awful. I'm not getting the fantastic response to the Wellbutrin that i got last time. I know it's only the second day but before i felt better almost instantly.

My idiot older sister posted something to Facebook with enraged me. It was a quote about how being healed is a choice we make on a daily basis. Wha? So, i CHOOSE to have bipolar? She's such a j@ck@$$. I left an 'angry' emoticon but i doubt i'll hear anything about it. She's such a fool, always has been.

My experiment with meal replacement and protein drinks has ended in failure because i keep getting stomach aches. I think it's because they're too milky. It doesn't matter that much as i was not feeling any better on them, no improvement in energy or anything else. They were expensive too.

In good news, i managed to do a load of laundry, take a shower i was overdue for, play Scrabble and do the garbage.

Just feel so sh!tty.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 Caleb isn't here yet and hasn't called and our reservation is in 45 minutes.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Had a fantastic time despite the lack of sleep and the horrible weather. It’s certainly colder than they said and the rain, blah 😒 I got a soft moss cable knit blanket that I love. At the earth store I replenished my essential oil s and bought these lovely mood earrings and a rose quartz necklace to wear with my life tree pendant. Picked up some bath and body hand soap on sale. It was lovely to be in a mall again. To bad we have to travel so far now to do so.

Oooh, that moss blanket sounds niiice. I'm very happy to hear that you had a wonderful time. Gosh, my daughter and I used to have a blast at the mall.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 Today was awful. I'm not getting the fantastic response to the Wellbutrin that i got last time. I know it's only the second day but before i felt better almost instantly. My idiot older sister posted something to Facebook with enraged me. It was a quote about how being healed is a choice we make on a daily basis. Wha? So, i CHOOSE to have bipolar? She's such a j@ck@$$. I left an 'angry' emoticon but i doubt i'll hear anything about it. She's such a fool, always has been. My experiment with meal replacement and protein drinks has ended in failure because i keep getting stomach aches. I think it's because they're too milky. It doesn't matter that much as i was not feeling any better on them, no improvement in energy or anything else. They were expensive too. In good news, i managed to do a load of laundry, take a shower i was overdue for, play Scrabble and do the garbage. Just feel so sh!tty.

How rotten, to have an idiot sister, especially an older one. I despise those stupid "choice" things. I just laugh when I go to Marshall's and see crap like that stitched onto throw pillows. Give me a break. Another one I used to see on pillows was "You can never be too rich or too thin" - well, not unless you have anorexia, or are going through chemo, or spent time in a concentration camp, or....oh, grrr. Those things are so asinine.

I'm sorry that the Wellbutrin isn't kicking in. But don't give up on it! Every time we take a med there are so many considerations - even time of the year. Hopefully it'll start working over the week-end. If not, the good thing about AD's is that there are so many of them.

Accomplished a bunch of housework. I'm cold. The weather is supposed to warm nicely this week-end. I was feeling really hyped up, then felt myself kinda crash. I'm worrying a lot about Sidney, and there's no point in worrying. I am doing absolutely everything I can for her and she is so smart, wise, cooperative, and gentle. Her glucose readings are definitely not terribly high, I just wish they would drop down some and level out.

I am so tired. This episode, like all of them, will take a slow digging out.

~**~**~**BEAUTIFUL * EARTH * DAY~**~**~*

Beth I PMed you with the link to the Livestream. They are live now. Recital starts now.

Hi whatever2013. I may try to find some time to myself in NYC, but it will likely be brief. As for my husband and me, we've since lost the anger and frustration. Neither of us stay angry at each other for long. Never have. I think 11 hours in a row is our record these past 25+ years.

I'm sorry your sister upset you by her Facebook posting. Since you know her, I assume you fully understood how her statement was meant. Or if she wasn't referring to you specifically, perhaps she should realize such a statement can be completely untrue and/or misapplied, and therefore possibly offensive. Especially in absence of context! I think it falls into a category of statements that can go either way, but again, needs context. I agree that illness (like bipolar disorder) is often beyond our control. However, there are indeed times and ways when healing is partially a choice. On a daily basis? Maybe or maybe not. As a general mind frame, yes sometimes or to some degrees. I can say that acceptance is a first choice we make that helps (to some degree) in healing. Determination another. Patience. Not giving up hope. Tolerance. Self love/mercy. Attempting to reframe how we see various things and challenges (think CBT). Working to concentrate on, savor, prioritize, value, push towards things that are "healthy" and real (think DBT). For me, these choices did make a difference. And it's all a work in process (sometimes a wretched tough one) to help the continuation/maintanence/promotion. Every day that I can! After any and all slips backwards. Days I can't? That's OK. There are other days. However, me throwing in the towel permanently? Unacceptable!

Sometimes my feelings and perspectives on the events of the past days change as I have time to reflect on them. The last I'll say (write) tonight is that I look forward to the second half of my journey back here in the US.

I have been having nightmares ever since my wife died. These days if I hear a noise and it wakes me up I am under the belief that it is my wife using the bathroom or something. I have gotten out of bed several times to see what is taking her so long and have walked all through the house looking for her. After i get to the far end of the house I realize she is gone forever. In a ways though it is almost worse then the nightmares. I feel so lost.

I flew down to Texas yesterday and bought a new Motorcycle and as of today I have like 600 miles on it. Lol yesterday I drove to Louisiana just for lunch and to spend the night. While I was in the hotel last night some jerk knocked over my new Motorcycle. They broke the brake lever and scratched up the muffler a little bit. I had to have the desk guy come out and help me lift it back up. I am back in Texas going to get a oil change in the morning then I am headed out to Arkansas to ride some of the roads there for a day or two. I have to be home by the 9th of next month for an appointment so I am free to roam. I am going up to Kentucky to see a friend of mine that I have not seen for like 25 years. Should be a nice visit.

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Unfortunately I felt sick after program so I decided not to. Headache off and on and mild nausea. I might just wait until I step down to IOP and have a whole day to go as I please.

I have a surgery time for Monday......5:30 AM!!!!!! Fortunately we were able to work it out so we can go to the city the night before and spend the night so we'll have to leave the hotel at 5:15 which is much better than 3:00 from here.


I will go and get checked in and prepped then they'll take me from one side of the hospital (many buildings, this is a huge hospital) to another for placement of the thing that marks where they need to cut. I can't tell you how exciting that is knowing I'll be wearing a gown open in front and nothing else (blankets, as many as they'll give me ) although at least some buildings won't be busy yet.


Then I get to have what my pdoc calls the medevial torture chamber device which is like the biopsy I had last month laying flat on my stomach with my breast through a hole while they put in the guide wires or reflector device that will help them know where to cut. Then back to surgery.


Surgery takes about an hour once I actually get there and then they get me set up. So I'm assuming I'll be done by 10 or so.


It feels real. I'm glad but I'm just so ready to be done with this. Especially the tour of the hospital with my breasts hanging out . And the climbing around on the torture device with an IV in my arm. That wasn't easy when I didn't have anything I could rip out.

3 more days...

I did go to the gym but only made it 15 minutes on the machine(s). But considering the weight I’ve gained plus the fact I haven’t been there in months I think that’s not so bad. I was 20 minutes late for program though. Had to get gas and a snack.

We’re taking my son to crystal cave in PA tomorrow. I have always refused to go because I’m extremely claustrophobic and the idea of a cave scares the crap out of me but I looked at pictures and it’s quite open. My mind will still be whirring about cave ins and whatnot but I know the damn thing has been an attraction for 150 years and there’s never been an issue so I’ll try to get over it.

my fan just broke and it’s stuffy and oppressively quiet in my bedroom. It will be hard to sleep, I’m so used to the fan noise. Been using one for white noise for a decade now. Definitely top priority to buy a new one after our trip tomorrow. I took the melatonin and seroquel but I also took a nap today, albeit short. I don’t want to take more seroquel, I will be drowsy tomorrow and we have to leave relatively early for the trip. Early for me anyway lol.

Oh, I am so glad it’s working out. Yeah the hotel sounds like a good choice.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

You are handling this with such courage. It's really impressive.

That sounds like a fun trip. Good for you.

I’m regards to earth day, if anyone has Netflix and likes nature documentaries, the great national parks (narrated by Barack Obama) is just fantastic. We’ve watched the first introductory episode and the next one focused on Chilean Patagonia and they are great. Hardly any gruesome deaths as compared to nat geo ones either!

The recital went very well. Caleb liked it because it was live but added that he wouldn't've listened had it been a recording. And he said that the sound engineering sucked- even though he knew that that was my kids' dad doing the sound. Dinner was ok. Quite tasty actually. I had steak with mashed potatoes and Mac n cheese. Then we split bananas foster for dessert. Caleb always spends the night when he visits but he decided he wanted to drive the 2 hours home starting at 1030. He said he had a good time so why did he leave? Ah well. The smoking wasn't an issue after all- he smoked while we were outside walking from dinner to a shop that we visited to kill time before the recital. So that took care of what to do between dinner and the show. I think he also went outside to smoke after the recital because he disappeared for a while. But all in all the smoking wasn't a huge deal. Im kind of glad he went home tonight so that I can go to sleep when I want tonight.

Thanks Jane. You brought tears to my eyes. I feel anything but courageous. I am just trying to face it one step at a time and hopefully by this point next week it will all be over. And if it's not over I'll at least know that.

There is still a long way to go when it comes to the knowlege of MI in the general popuøation!