Bipolar check-in #64

I guess my depression is showing because even a cashier i see regularly asked if i was alright, was i having a long day? It's Day Three for the Wellbutrin and i don't feel anything. I am wondering if the first time i took it merely corresponded with the start of a hypomanic episode. Perhaps there was no causal relation at all. Which means it's not going to work. It would sort of explain the near-instant reaction i had the first time, improvement within three days of taking it. That's almost unheard of, it usually takes antidepressants two to six weeks to be effective.

Well.

Exhausted today and have done very little tho i did get my dog out so she could run around and we could enjoy the fresh air sitting in the lawn chair together. She's really my companion. People remark when they see me without her. I tell them she is home dreaming of me!

@Moose72:

I liked "Monk" too. You sure watch some good TV. You get your money's worth, that's for sure.

@~Christina:

Sorry you're in such pain. Please feel free to talk about it here. It's a support forum, it's what it's for.

@Jennifer 1967:

Hope you get your rash seen to pronto. I had shingles of the eye in 2003 and my doctor diagnosed me with one glance and prescribed the most miraculous medication called Famvere that cut my pain by 50% within an hour, by 90% within 24 hours and then it slowly subsided the last bit. I was so grateful.

What an afternoon! I guess as far as Hubby and I, all went smoothly making our way to the hotel in Newark (New Jersey) to drop off our luggage, then to the rental car return at the airport and then making our way via airport airtrain to the local hotel bus shuttle stop and on to our hotel. At the airport shuttle stop, I overheard two young foreign adults with hiking packs, clearly in distress, telling some American travelers from Las Vegas that their hotel's shuttle was yet to come after two hours. The Los Vegas couple had no advice, so I decided to step in, at least being a New Jerseyan. Hubby refused. They had no internet access, so I looked up their hotel. It was a 10-minute walk from ours, so I told them to just take our shuttle and walk to theirs, given their age and lack of inconvenient luggage. Though initially reluctant, they followed my suggestion with no problems. They turned out to be from the Netherlands. I even let them photograph the google walking directions from my phone.

En route to the hotel, the sights of Newark were quite depressing and clearly shocked the couple. I sort of knew Newark is a sadly poor city, but as a Central New Jerseyan from quite wealthy areas, it shocked me, too. After Hubby and I arrived, we walked a short distance near the train station and the depression of the place, and some of the people in it, made me realize that life can be MUCH MUCH MUCH worse than anything I've experienced. Clearly severely mentally ill wandered in tatters of clothing, a couple with skin conditions not unlike mange. A particular man appeared to be quite psychotic. Police on most corners, surely waiting to be sure none "caused crimes", for which many are sent to jails and prisons. Not typical ERs or psych hospitals that other more fortunate patients complain are horrible. I guess most scavenge through trash cans, go to soup kitchens, and/or ask for handouts for food. There's surely violence towards them, with women most vulnerable. We overheard one 40/50-something year old woman (in distressed appearance and dragging a suitcase) ask a pretty young woman for money, claiming her boyfriend kicked her out and she was 2 months pregnant and homeless. That may or may not have been true, but she was clearly in a desperate situation. The pretty young girl stared with obvious sadness, wondering what (if anything) she should do. My husband and I passed by, doing nothing. Sadly, what most people do. So, I helped those traveling Niederlanders, but just left the others behind. Yes, I pitied them greatly, but didn't know what to do for them beyond the letters I've sent to congressmen, including Cory Booker, the once mayor of Newark and current senator. Cory Booker is a very sympathique kind of man. I know it hurts him, too. But he alone can't sufficiently ease the tragedy either. His vote, like his fellow senators' from large population states like New York, Illinois, California and the like, is just one of two for the state. The same number that more sparsely populated states have. Two senators per state. Yup.

Trenton is the same, Soupe. It’s gone so far downhill, there aren’t many safe areas at all anymore. Downtown where the capitol building is is probably your best bet but to get there you have to go through some pretty terrible areas. I have many students from Trenton and it is so sad to see some of them be absorbed by the streets because they see no other way to survive. Most of the parents want to do right by their kids but no one did right by them, and on and on. Generational trauma and poverty. Very sad.

Happy Thunder over Lousiville y’all!

Ky derby is 2 weeks away and the festivities begin with the air show/thunder (huge fireworks show) tonight.

Get ya derby hat/fascinator ready!

I tripped on some carpet and I fell and hurt my knees. OUCH!
It happened at an assisted living facility. I exclaimed Oh sh7t,

2 people came running to help.

so my fall would have been worse if it had been concrete.
The next day: I Saw my regular MD for a wellness exam.
no pap this year as I did the hpv test so that extends it out to

3-5 years not sure she is going to look at that again.
my PCP called in some volteran I have been using it on both knees today.
They were both starting to feel better so don't know if this is a waste of
time or if it is helping.

Am supposed to use the gel 4 times per day, you have to

measure it out on a plastic ruler so I get the correct amount.
It is an NSAID. It says it is for arthritis.

I do have arthritis in my knees already. so this may help too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I'm in the process of changing my legal middle name to Noah.

Wow, thanks for sharing that! How very cool! Noah is such a nice name, good choice.

I made Mac and cheese. Now I'm back in bed. I was doing better, now not so much. I'm down but not that bad. I have therapy Thursday and I'm going to bring in my letter. I'm having a hard time taking my medicine but h is making sure I take it. He's going to come lay with me for a little soon. I wish I was in a better mood. It sucks because I'm at a lose for words. Honestly I don't think my t is coming back but I'll see Thursday. I have 2 more weeks dropping my son off at college. Then he graduates and moves out. He still looking into where he's going to work. He needs to find something fast because he has bills at the beginning of June.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I have had a good time in the new home. Easter was good, many days with either being a guest or having guests. Good food and good company. Yesterday, however, "things" turned. My thoughts spiraled around a happening before Easter when a person treated me badly. I was not able to do anything before in the evening. Then I was able to heat a soup. This morning has been slow (low motivation), but at last I decided to become a member at a Gym nearby. After that I was not able to get into my Google account and that meant that I was not able to use the apps for the Gym. So small happenings and still they were able to put me out of my stability. I give up trying to get a new Google account today. The Gym has to wait until after the weekend. I will visit it then. It helped a bit to talk about it. When one is active, trying to make something to work (like how to make food at Easter) and then is back to the week days without a plan, some sort of emptiness can occur. I think that is what happened to me yesterday, as if I suddenly sat there naked and didn't know how to dress. I am on my way. I will eat a slice of bread, shower, do something in the home and then take trip out. It is sunny today. Send good hopes to you all!

That's great, about the gym! I totally understand what you mean about "some sort of emptiness" after an event. It is a strange, but common, human experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Sorry I sound like a broken record but this pain is absolutely brutal. I truly am scared that the Xeljanz is pooping out. Steve thinks it could be our weather as I’m thrilled it’s warmer but about 8-9 days ago ( I think) is when the last lousy weather came through and he thinks that’s when this first started. I truly can’t remember when this started. It feel like it’s been a 100 years. Ok I won’t whine about it anymore as it doesn’t help anything ugh ! It’s just dumb ! Hope every one is having a lovely weekend ~ Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Please don't think you're whining. I feel so sorry for you, to have such pain. I know how extremely difficult chronic pain is. About 8 days ago is when you first mentioned here being in increased pain.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 We just got home from the crystal cave. I enjoyed having a day out but I’m cool with never going in another cave again! It was pretty but not pretty enough to justify my fear. Thankfully I only mildly panicked twice, once when she said something about a large earthquake shifting the rocks (aaaaah!) and again when she turned out the lights to show how dark it was when people first started touring in the early 1900s. F. That. I was over it by then and itching to get out. Thankfully it was the end of the tour anyway! We found a really delicious restaurant to eat at afterward and then made the trip home. I’m worried about both my cats. Ash’s asthma is awful and her back legs are both going bad. I do not have $$$ for surgery which she probably wouldn’t survive because of the asthma. Cheeto looks like he’s getting thin again and he’s been sneezing off and on, but no other signs of a respiratory infection. I dunno. I think there was something wrong with the mother because they are barn cats from the same litter and they’re both having trouble at such a young age (they’re only 6). If they both pass I will get another older bonded pair, kittens are cute but boy do they have energy! And older cats are adopted less often, even less so bonded pairs.

The cave experience doesn't sound thrilling to me. I was in caves in southern Calif and they were tight and creepy. And they stunk! I was in caves in Israel, however, and they were wide and fascinating (ancient etchings on the cave walls and ancient little carved-out holes for homing pigeons). The best thing about the caves there were that they give a respite from the scorching desert heat. The caves are cool inside.

Aggghhh, I'm so sorry to hear about your cats. I wonder, too, about cats that come from not so great lineage. Mine have all been rescues and some of them seem quite delicate health-wise.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 I guess my depression is showing because even a cashier i see regularly asked if i was alright, was i having a long day? It's Day Three for the Wellbutrin and i don't feel anything. I am wondering if the first time i took it merely corresponded with the start of a hypomanic episode. Perhaps there was no causal relation at all. Which means it's not going to work. It would sort of explain the near-instant reaction i had the first time, improvement within three days of taking it. That's almost unheard of, it usually takes antidepressants two to six weeks to be effective. Well. Exhausted today and have done very little tho i did get my dog out so she could run around and we could enjoy the fresh air sitting in the lawn chair together. She's really my companion. People remark when they see me without her. I tell them she is home dreaming of me! @Moose72: I liked "Monk" too. You sure watch some good TV. You get your money's worth, that's for sure. @~Christina: Sorry you're in such pain. Please feel free to talk about it here. It's a support forum, it's what it's for. @Jennifer 1967: Hope you get your rash seen to pronto. I had shingles of the eye in 2003 and my doctor diagnosed me with one glance and prescribed the most miraculous medication called Famvere that cut my pain by 50% within an hour, by 90% within 24 hours and then it slowly subsided the last bit. I was so grateful.

I'm so sad to hear about the lack of positive effect from the Wellbutrin. I'll tell you, I've been on it twice and it didn't do a thing for me either time. Most people respond so well to it, I don't know.

When is your next appointment? Or can you email?

Those students you mention are lucky to have you as a teacher. It's been a while since I've been to downtown Trenton. Generally the closest I go is Ewing or on the Trenton outskirts, which are not the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour What an afternoon! I guess as far as Hubby and I, all went smoothly making our way to the hotel in Newark (New Jersey) to drop off our luggage, then to the rental car return at the airport and then making our way via airport airtrain to the local hotel bus shuttle stop and on to our hotel. At the airport shuttle stop, I overheard two young foreign adults with hiking packs, clearly in distress, telling some American travelers from Las Vegas that their hotel's shuttle was yet to come after two hours. The Los Vegas couple had no advice, so I decided to step in, at least being a New Jerseyan. Hubby refused. They had no internet access, so I looked up their hotel. It was a 10-minute walk from ours, so I told them to just take our shuttle and walk to theirs, given their age and lack of inconvenient luggage. Though initially reluctant, they followed my suggestion with no problems. They turned out to be from the Netherlands. I even let them photograph the google walking directions from my phone. En route to the hotel, the sights of Newark were quite depressing and clearly shocked the couple. I sort of knew Newark is a sadly poor city, but as a Central New Jerseyan from quite wealthy areas, it shocked me, too. After Hubby and I arrived, we walked a short distance near the train station and the depression of the place, and some of the people in it, made me realize that life can be MUCH MUCH MUCH worse than anything I've experienced. Clearly severely mentally ill wandered in tatters of clothing, a couple with skin conditions not unlike mange. A particular man appeared to be quite psychotic. Police on most corners, surely waiting to be sure none "caused crimes", for which many are sent to jails and prisons. Not typical ERs or psych hospitals that other more fortunate patients complain are horrible. I guess most scavenge through trash cans, go to soup kitchens, and/or ask for handouts for food. There's surely violence towards them, with women most vulnerable. We overheard one 40/50-something year old woman (in distressed appearance and dragging a suitcase) ask a pretty young woman for money, claiming her boyfriend kicked her out and she was 2 months pregnant and homeless. That may or may not have been true, but she was clearly in a desperate situation. The pretty young girl stared with obvious sadness, wondering what (if anything) she should do. My husband and I passed by, doing nothing. Sadly, what most people do. So, I helped those traveling Niederlanders, but just left the others behind. Yes, I pitied them greatly, but didn't know what to do for them beyond the letters I've sent to congressmen, including Cory Booker, the once mayor of Newark and current senator. Cory Booker is a very sympathique kind of man. I know it hurts him, too. But he alone can't sufficiently ease the tragedy either. His vote, like his fellow senators' from large population states like New York, Illinois, California and the like, is just one of two for the state. The same number that more sparsely populated states have. Two senators per state. Yup.

How kind and very decent of you to help the traveling couple. Being in a foreign country and having some kind stranger offer assistance is a God-send - as you well know, I'm sure.


What you saw in Newark....sad, so, so sad. It sounds like you're describing many, many parts of California. The homeless mentally ill, homeless addicts, homeless-homeless - it's a disaster here. San Francisco is surely one of the most beautiful cities in the world - or was - the homeless population there is out of control. Sidewalks reek of urine and there's ***** (human) all over the place. The stench is revolting. Here in my town there's a very large homeless population. And sooo many people who become addicts once they hit the street. Using opiates to sleep during the day (when it's safer to sleep) and using meth to stay up all night (when it's not safe to sleep). WAY too many veterans! I mean, WTH???? This country takes rotten care of our veterans.

In the house I lived in before I lived here in my apartment, the house was cute. But it was in a scary ghetto in a city and I was ripped off constantly. Quite literally, anything that wasn't strongly attached to something that couldn't be moved was stolen.

I am furious that something isn't done by our government. There is NO excuse, except absurd bureaucracies and other BS. I am quite sure the money is there to build proper housing for people. It's true that some people don't want to be housed; fine, but give them food, medical care, facilities.

Truly insane.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Trenton is the same, Soupe. It’s gone so far downhill, there aren’t many safe areas at all anymore. Downtown where the capitol building is is probably your best bet but to get there you have to go through some pretty terrible areas. I have many students from Trenton and it is so sad to see some of them be absorbed by the streets because they see no other way to survive. Most of the parents want to do right by their kids but no one did right by them, and on and on. Generational trauma and poverty. Very sad.

Generational poverty and trauma - exactly!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi I tripped on some carpet and I fell and hurt my knees. OUCH! It happened at an assisted living facility. I exclaimed Oh sh7t, 2 people came running to help. so my fall would have been worse if it had been concrete. The next day: I Saw my regular MD for a wellness exam. no pap this year as I did the hpv test so that extends it out to 3-5 years not sure she is going to look at that again. my PCP called in some volteran I have been using it on both knees today. They were both starting to feel better so don't know if this is a waste of time or if it is helping. Am supposed to use the gel 4 times per day, you have to measure it out on a plastic ruler so I get the correct amount. It is an NSAID. It says it is for arthritis. I do have arthritis in my knees already. so this may help too.

Ack, falling is a misery for sure. I read an article recently, it was written by a gerontologist. He said his advice to older people who want to live a long life is "Don't fall."

I hope the Volteran is helpful. Poor bizi knees

Jennifer, how are you?

Please, does anyone here have experience with a psychiatrist writing things on your medical record that are first of all, confidential and second, untrue? Have you had any success in having the comments removed from your record and, if so, how?

That insane psychiatrist (who isn't even a pdoc, but is a D.O) has written crap on my medical record under the guise of "referring" me to another doctor. So the stuff she wrote that would normally be confidential can now be seen by any medical person because it's labeled as a referral. The doctor she referred me to is an addictions person. That woman wrote that I have a "Klonopin dependency" (true) and that I don't want to decrease the Klonopin because I only want to take "sedating drugs." (NOT true!)

What she's written is a complete lie. I had told her several times that I was prescribed Klonopin over 20 years ago and definitely want to stop taking it (by decreasing it very slowly), but that I was worried I'd never be able to completely be off it. Not that I don't want to, but that I'm afraid I can't, due to so many years of physical dependence. I made that very clear to her, and I was clear in telling her that I've never abused Klonopin (or any substance, for that matter).

In what she wrote on my medical record, among other horrors she stressed several times that I only want "to take sedating drugs" and gave examples of those, including "cogentin and propanolol." But I was prescribed those meds for tremor, not to sedate! And I asked her to prescribe an AP because of serious sleep issues and because when I don't sleep I have major mood episodes, paranoia, etc., and I don't want to be in an unsafe situation. I mean, I have learned these things about myself! I was never trying to abuse any sedating medication. The only AP she would prescribe was 12.5mg of Seroquel and that for only 14 nights per month.

This information came into my email tonight (my "patient portal" medical record thing). I'm about unglued, and now feeling like everything I'm doing is wrong, and I feel terribly afraid. Triggered, badly triggered. And also like I cannot get medical care there anymore because of the trash she's written. No doctor will take me seriously, now.

What the heck should I do?

And here it is bedtime and now sleep...ha, yeah, right. Last night I took melatonin and did sleep pretty well. But now I'm all anxious. I hate to take Seroquel, but I guess I will. I don't know how else to sleep. Maybe 25mg instead of the 50 I took a few nights ago.

I'm sorry, you guys. I guess I'm just really angry and very hurt. I hope you're all having a peaceful night (or day), and I hope Jennifer checks in. That rash sounds concerning.

That really is pretty terrible, I wonder why people put those kinds of outright lies in a medical record.

As for me, a bit of entertainment. First time experiencing "word salad"; gotta type/say that's the weirdest experience ever. Think one phrase, vocalize it, and think you said what you meant to say, but the output upon reflection makes zero sense, not to mention really aggravating to folks around me who are the recipients of said phrase. Then I stand there confused trying to speak the broken word, then become aware of the scramble, and yet, still couldn't vocalize the correct word!

Here's hoping the Wellbutrin isn't switching me... or at least hope the AP prevents it from being destructive. I really do like how productive I've been this week.

I am sorry to hear this. There is not so much you can do about it when a doc plays God, but you can tell your GP and ask to have it added at your medical record, that you think you were misunderstood. The only thing you have mentioned is that you are afraid that to be complete free of it is not possible due to the long use. After that you can discuss with your GP what is realistic to do.

Hope you will get a correct diagnose and treatment!

Hope you feel better soon!

Hi Beth,

Do your new therapist and psychiatrist have to receive your records from that pdoc? It's possible that my old psychiatrist kept either alcohol dependence or alcohol abuse on mine (with bp1), but I've since started afresh with a new slate. Certainly my old psych hospitals still have that in their record systems. For my earlier hospitalizations they would put me in dual diagnosis programs, but then I demanded I go to regular psych wards. My past addiction issues were that. In the past, in my case. As long as it doesn't affect my present or future I don't care what there is in my record. It could say "Googly Eye Syndrome" for all I care. I wouldn't even mind if the called me "George" (reference to a Looney Tunes/Bugs Bunny cartoon).

I've certainly encountered pdocs who were fine prescribing benzos long-term. My last one was, but my new one is reluctant. Luckily I did wean off it a while ago, but any rational pdoc knows it can be mighty challenging. In my view there is a huge difference between simply being chemically dependent on a benzo and abusing it. It doesn't sound like you fit the latter category of being an "addict".

I feel sad and I have struggled with thoughts about death wishes for hours. No plans, but it scares me that I feel all this hopelesness.

My husband sent my sister a very nice thank you email, which she greatly deserved, but also some encouragement in regards to our nephew. I would not have sent that so soon after the visit, but Hubby was determined. It was focused on getting nephew occupational therapy for his autism spectrum. As usual, she responded almost immediately stating that our brother should likely be evaluated, too. Honestly, I agree, but I wonder if it would happen and if so, how much it would be pursued.

Today Hubby and I are going to the city (NYC) for a ballet and lunch, and maybe dinner.

You could try asking your therapist about this.
He sounds horrible.
Bastard.contact his governing board?
I don't know what to say.

That is very frustrating. I would be pissed.
bizi