[MuddyBoots]

I'm a little cautious because just a couple months ago I was manic with no insight and I don't want that to happen again. So here I am.

My therapist last week said I seemed paranoid because I expressed I wanted to break up with my bf. I was worried he had planted something to listen in on me. I'm still worried about it but I haven't talked to him at all and I don't plan on it. She said I clearly needed a med change because all of a sudden I was on a bunch of downers (my use of alcohol, opiates, and weed spiralled over the past week) that I said I needed to slow myself down, although I don't believe myself to be manic. My sleep's been fine (with the help of thorazine and melatonin) and my thoughts don't feel super chaotic but maybe that's the PRN and the downers speaking.

I don't have another appointment with her until next week and I don't have an appointment with my NP scheduled yet so no one to really help me out here to figure out if I need a med change or just need to work on the addiction stuff (which I am doing).

Are my therapist's concerns accurate or is she just trying to hand off her job to my NP?

[Nammu]

I think it’s pretty clear that you are self medicating so your meds probably need to be looked into but I also think it’s pretty useless to try and adjust medication in an active user. It’s really a catch 22 but no I don’t believe she’s trying to fob you off, I think you’re looking for ways to self sabotage and if you can convince yourself that your bf has wired you and your therapist isn’t doing her job you can push them away and say, see I’m alone. And rationalize more drug use.

[MuddyBoots]

Okay, how many days clean before I can be taken seriously?

[Nammu]

I don’t know, I’m not knowable about drugs. But I’ve heard a lot of people say it takes a year off un-prescribed drugs before your body can react to prescription drugs in a normal way. But that’s just what I’ve heard when I was hospitalized from others who were told that by doctors. I do remember a lot of them thought that was too long to wait. Are you in a ohhh I can’t remember what it’s called, oh wait, a duel program? Where they treat both the abuse and the mental health?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I think it’s pretty clear that you are self medicating so your meds probably need to be looked into but I also think it’s pretty useless to try and adjust medication in an active user. It’s really a catch 22 but no I don’t believe she’s trying to fob you off, I think you’re looking for ways to self sabotage and if you can convince yourself that your bf has wired you and your therapist isn’t doing her job you can push them away and say, see I’m alone. And rationalize more drug use.

^^^ This. Nammu said it perfectly.

I believe that any time someone is using they are doing so because they are not properly medicated, also haven't worked out whatever their issues are - the pain is still there, like an infection.


You're using only downers...what is the benefit you're getting from the slow-down (besides the high)? Do you need to be calmer (less anxious)? Doesn't paranoia come from an extreme, elevated anxiety? Seems I've heard that somewhere.

I don't know about the time frame of self-medicating with substances vs. being on steady, prescribed meds - I do know that if you're on meds and using at the same time there is absolutely no way to tell what the meds are doing.

It sounds like your therapist is being straight with you.


Can you make an appt. with your NP?

[~Christina]

I think your T is being truthful in her assessment that your not doing well. I’m glad you told her you were using. As others mentioned it takes a considerable amount of time not using to really let your brain function and to get the benefit of psych meds.

It virtually impossible to find Bipolar stability if drugs or alcohol are being abused.

You deserve to find stability and enjoy life so you have to decide what’s best for you

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[Fuzzybear]

[MuddyBoots]

I'm not in a dual diagnosis program although I was in one a couple years back. It was helpful but I don't have transport now so I'm limited to zoom meetings (which I hate and can never sit through the whole thing).

I tried making an appointment with my NP yesterday but the receptionist said I'd have to wait a couple weeks. I got a refill on my Thorazine approved though.

I do need to be calmer. Much calmer. I wouldn't call it anxiety more like I'm just stuck in go-mode. When I'm high I can actually do the dishes and laundry and talk to my family without feeling the need to bounce around from task to task without finishing anything. My last therapist was confident I had ADHD but the waitlist at her agency was over 2 years to be properly diagnosed.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

...
I do need to be calmer. Much calmer. I wouldn't call it anxiety more like I'm just stuck in go-mode. When I'm high I can actually do the dishes and laundry and talk to my family without feeling the need to bounce around from task to task without finishing anything. My last therapist was confident I had ADHD but the waitlist at her agency was over 2 years to be properly diagnosed.

Yep, I've had a number of friends who were junkies and they all, every one, said the same thing. I can totally understand.

[MuddyBoots]

It's been one week since I had any alcohol and five days since I used opiates. Feel like shyt mentally. Good thing I didn't get physically dependent this time around. I highly doubt it's going to take as long to "reset" my brain as when I initially got clean (a week as opposed to years of use).

[Nammu]

Great start! That’s tough work from what I hear, congratulations!

[MuddyBoots]

I can't fking take this. It's awful. I'm literally in tears right now because I hate this fking life.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Sapien

I can't fking take this. It's awful. I'm literally in tears right now because I hate this fking life.

Breathe. Take a breath hold it count of 4 let it out slowly and keep doing it until you start to get to a better place away from what is likely high anxiety.

Does journaling help at all ? Maybe dump out you’re head on paper

Sending you hugs

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[MuddyBoots]

Thanks Christina, that helps a lot. Last night was basically one big anxiety attack but the breathing helped. I used to journal a lot but I've sorta dropped off, maybe time to pick it back up.

[Nammu]

I’m glad Christina was able to help. I’m rooting for you. Really really wish you could get more irl support though.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Thanks Christina, that helps a lot. Last night was basically one big anxiety attack but the breathing helped. I used to journal a lot but I've sorta dropped off, maybe time to pick it back up.

Glad my ramblings helped a bit

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