My latest episode

I've just come out of a manic episode that lasted about a week and I'm still struggling to process want went on and come to terms with it. It's not the worst I've had but I thought I was on an upwards curve and life was becoming more stable.

I'm going to be brutally honest so sorry if I'm sharing too much
It should have been a great week, I had just been offered a new job and was going to celebrate with my best mate on Saturday. However for some reason I was very unsettled and increasingly hyper I handed my notice in on Friday which went very badly, my boss was a complete arse about it and made it a very unpleasant experience. Then my best mate cancelled our celebration dinner because she was feeling ill and I went into a downward spiral. I started drinking more, not to excess, but enough and making up stories in head about why my mate had cancelled on me. The stories grew and grew and although I didn't realise it at the time I was becoming increasingly irrational and vindictive. It took a very terse message explaining my her difficulties, and she has plenty, to bring me partially to me senses. Now I'm fully out of it I'm looking back with horror and a very depleted bank balance. I feel kind of spaced out and divorced from reality at the moment.

My biggest issue is having treated my best mate so badly. My last message was meant to be apologetic but looking back it could have been much more sincere. Now I'm in a downward spiral of shame. I was completely lacking in empathy towards someone very close to me who I love very dearly and I don't know what to do about it. I just feel like a complete failure as a friend and a human. I'm tired of these episodes and the effect they have on those closest to me. Sometimes I feel like there's only one way out of this

I'm so sorry that happened to you. How heartbreaking! I hope your best mate will realize that you were under the influence of the bipolar illness when everything happened.

Human beings are only completely responsible for actions that are done with full awareness and knowledge and full freedom of will and without impediments. Mental illness and especially bipolar is a powerful impediment to the full exercise of freedom and therefore responsibility.

Mental illness can even reduce awareness, knowledge and free will to zero and thus voluntariness, imputability and responsibility to zero. So I hope you will become less hard on yourself over the incidents that happened.

I hope you will also be able to introduce some perspective into your evaulation of your actions. Good and bad are not like two positions on a light switch. Good and bad form a spectrum or range of values.

There have been a couple of men in the last 100 years who caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide. The things you did under the influence of your illness are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from the kind of the mistakes done by people like Hitler, Stalin and Mao Tse Tung, so please, if you are able, please try to introduce some perspective into your thinking.

Bipolar is a terrible illness. It afflicts people and places a huge and often crushing burden upon them. Just bearing with the illness requires enormous amounts of nobility and heroism. You are every bit a victim of this terrible illness. So in spite of the missteps and losses you suffered during your bout of manic illness, done under the influence of this illness, things could have been much worse. You are a good person suffering a terrible illness. Please try to keep your head held high. Prisons are full of people who have done worse things and who did those things with knowledge, awareness and freedom of will without impediments.

I hope you will be able to feel better soon. Sometimes the illness has a lot to do with that. My heart goes out to you!

Hi tigger, I'm not sure I have any words wiser than Yaowen's are. Please try to forgive yourself for how you've treated your dear friend. Have you spoken with her yet to ask how she's feeling and explain how you're feeling?

The drinking of course is destructive, especially along with meds. But you know that. As for the prostitute, meh- like Yaowen pointed out people have done much, much, much worse things!

I know that extremely unpleasant sensation of being checked out of reality as your system struggles to restabilize.

I am so sorry your boss was an arse. That is rotten.

@tigger119, I'd like to begin by welcoming you here to this bipolar forum. I'm glad you posted, particularly because I see that as a sign of acknowledging what happened and processing it. It's always a good start either during or after manic episodes. Have you called your doctor yet? Does s/he know what went on? I think they should know asap (today, if possible) so they can provide some appropriate assistance. You don't want to fall into a deep depression or have your mania be re-sparked. I know it can from experience. I also understand the use of alcohol to "cope". I can also say that it only does harm.

My advice is:

1. Call your doctor and tell them everything. Yes, everything. Believe me that they've heard much worse. If you have a therapist, do call them, too.
2. Pour any alcohol down the drain, and don't go to a bar or liquor store again for a while.
3. As Yaowen very well stated, you can forgive yourself and move on.
4. After you've done #1, #2, & #3, call your favorite mate and apologize. No need to tell them about the prostitute. If they already know you have bipolar disorder, they should hopefully at least know you acknowledged the episode and are...hopefully...working with your doctor to re-stabilize. Seeking help is not only good for you, but means a lot to those who care about us.

Hugs and I look forward to seeing you around. We're happy to support and you'll surely find this a nice community of members.

Yes- welcome! I just looked at your post count and realized you're new here.


I absolutely agree with Soupe. Are you on medication at this time?