Restart: Diary 2.0

Dear reader. Two days left. I didn’t do much at work. Mostly listening. But now I know that many will departure this poisonous place we call “work”. A place without hospitality, just greed and hostility. I cleaned all my desk and everything I had. It’s all blank, as a blank, white A4-paper.

I’m not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. Probably hang around, talk with my two loyal fiends who were always loyal till the very end. Take myself another cup of that weird, bitter thing they called for “coffee” for so many years. A place in a decay. Shame. Shame that it all went that way. But time is now that I only look forward, look at the moment I am currently in. To take that moment by moment, day by day. Instead of looking back and try to make any kind of reflection from the past. And it is kind of like this very true quote:

“If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.”

By Jim Carrey

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Today was just another day at work. Then it’s tomorrow, and then - holiday. I don’t know what I will do. Probably go to the sea, take a swim and enjoy. Unfortunately, those two years in pandemic was very lonely and cut off from everything and almost everyone. Not that it bothered me that much, since I was pretty lonely in 2019 too. And the year before that and before that and so on.

Strange, and yet I have almost 400 friends on Facebook. I’m also very active on that platform too. People who are suppose to care about others but only care about their own egos. That’s Facebook. So to be honest, I have very few real friends. So how do you find new, real friends? Who will do same stuff you like? Go out and eat, see a concert on that band? Or just be there? Is there any correct answer to that?

I’m wondering, cause after 2011 - when I got this illness - my so called “friends” who were on Facebook faded away. And the new ones never wanted to ask to hang out anywhere. If there is any good, logical answer to all this, by all means hit the reply and explain. Because I still don’t understand.

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My last day. Today. I didn’t wanted anything from my boss. No speech about me, my hard work I had for seven years. Nothing. Because I didn’t wanted due to all this hostile actions against me. I had a conversation with two of my dear colleagues and our dear janitor (who really loved me and will miss me). It felt heavy, all of this. Some of my so called colleagues giggled like little girls at me and such. And they are suppose to be grownups and teachers?

Yes I feel very lonely now. Lonely, but also relieved. I helped my true colleague with the classroom I was suppose to have with her. When she found out I was going to quit, she hugged me and was very sad. It was a shock for her. But I promised I would be in touch.

Now? Now I listening at songs from Mr. Roy Orbison. An Texan American, and pioneer of American rock and roll. You see, You Americans had such great artist back in the days. When your country along with USSR created approximately 60000 nuclear warheads each (if not more), You created music too. Wonderful music. Music with roots from jazz and blues (something that I like too). You see, I know so much about American music and it’s culture, despite that I’m Swedish. Despite that I never actually been in USA at all. Not even once. But Your music saved me more than once, so to say.

Therefore I will share tonight this wonderful video to You:

PS, dear reader: I have many, many songs from American artists who performed in 1950s and 1960s. An special never ending collection who expands every week. Have a good night.

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Roy Orbison was a brilliantly talented man.

Congratulations on making it through the end! Now it's time to enjoy summer. How long is your break there?

Thank you. The break is till the 8th August. Then, a new adventure will began in a new city.

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Good evening, dear reader. A sunny and a rainy Thursday have passed, along with some thunder too. Strange weather indeed. But hey: if you now can grow fig trees in the middle Sweden, then it’s really upside down with the climate. Grow figs? In Sweden? The climate evolved that you can grow pears and cherries, but figs!?

Climate has drastically changed. That’s a fact, no matter how we want to see at it. And yet people acts as it’s all normal. Well, one more degree and when all ice melts, closest cities around the world who are under or just bellow the sea level, will become a new Atlantis. Cities like Amsterdam, London, New York, Hong Kong and so on.

I sold my car last month, so I don’t posses any vehicle at all. And when I owned that car, I rarely drove it at all. During my ownership (I’ve bought it brand new in 2015) it went all in all 24000km. That’s 14 912 American miles. In six and a half years (!). That’s how crazy little I drove. How to help our global climate? Recycle, chose to walk or go by bus/tram/train instead of car. Choose to go not to often with planes (I didn’t flew at all since 2013). And if you happen to be really need of a car (living outback isn’t easy), there are very good alternatives to chose. Don’t get me wrong now: people who live in the wild outback need an 4x4, which I fully understand and respect. But people who live in urban areas? Where it’s all tarmac, good roads or in city? Do you really need an 4x4 SUV and with an V8?

We must help ourselves, all together, to help our planet. Otherwise, that day when you won’t be growing anything at all comes, then we are all as an human civilisation doomed to cease to exist.

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Dear reader. Today I wasn’t in mood for anything. I didn’t slept much either. I cancelled my meet with my dear friend. I really don’t know what I’ll do this weekend. This week wasn’t my week at all. It really sucked all my energy out of me.

This time I won’t be able to write much. I need some good hours of sleep. And I need to find proper sleeping-rhythm.

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Good evening dear reader. Today was a good day. I was in the sun with some of my friends. But when I came back home, I had such headache that I thought my head would explode. Shatter like a mirror - in thousands of pieces. As if some madman from early 20th century did lobotomy on me. It was that bad.

As per routine, I took an paracetamol - an little improved one who reacts in less than 30 minutes. Then I took a walk with my mom, to literally clear my head. All of it. Believe me or not, that 7 mile good walk did help. When I got back home, I went to the gym almost immediately. Practiced two muscle groups; back and triceps. Minimum 15 repetitions per set (I had three sets per muscle group). 90 minutes.

So now, now I feel so great. Relaxed, and without any headache or migraine from hell. Have a nice Saturday dear reader. Tomorrow will be a new day.

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Dear reader. I hope you had a great weekend. I surely had. It was a sunny day and not too hot either. Everything is green here now. I did another walk of 7 miles. I need that long walks. I listened this time on the nature instead of my music from the phone.

Yes, I still have that loneliness. Couples who go on vacation and such, everyone except me. Because, bizarrely enough, I don’t have anyone to go with anywhere - even if I will get national id faster than my passport. I have budget too to go anywhere I want in Europe. But alone? Not that I don’t know how to take care of myself - it isn’t that. It’s that little thing, to share that experience and travel with someone but only yourself. I don’t know.

I think some “friends” like to message you on messenger or whatever client. But neither of them asked if you want to hang out or go anywhere. It was only me and my initiative only. I, who always must ask first. Now I won’t. Because now you know which one were always your true friends. Those who could remember you that you still exist.

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Monday. The most boring day of the week. The one day you keep wanting for Friday to come. And fast. But when you’re holiday, nothing of that matter. You forget about the time, the days even the weeks. And suddenly, the vacation runs out and the working days kicks in.

So what I will do with my holiday? I had plan to visit my relatives in Europe. Planned, so to speak. Unfortunately, not all relatives have understood this thing I have - this mental illness. Some even tried convinced me that it’s some “western imaginary”-illness. Thing is that in Southern Europe, but also in Eastern and Central Europe, many (not all though) have huge prejudices about mental illness in general. And that you especially eat pills against it, or (God forbid), visit a nurse or a doctor in psychiatry.

That is why I always be upset, even if they are my close relatives - and not some Bronze Age-bigots. And then they shut their mouths because I change deliberately the topic to something else, without any explanation or deep analysis about me and my mental illness. Diversity - that is a truly rare thing these days. Even among some of my nearest relatives and friends. To accept others as they are. And when they try to make a lame comeback and shoots a “kind reply” such as “but you look so normal”. If this popped up from anyone else - especially when I explained the illness itself almost in detail - I would walk away in the middle of the conversation.

It’s upsetting me that we - 2022 - STILL refuse to accept other people. Because in the very end, we are all people. Humans. Even we who got this illness. In my case, after a out-burn during my work in my profession, where I only wanted to help my students in gymnasium (senior high school) to become something in their lives. They all get silenced after I tell them this. That my profession as teacher got me bipolar and that huge amount of stress - plus sloppiness from the hospital who just triggered it to its fully form. And then they are all quiet, only suddenly - after a moment of silence - to start talking about something else.

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Good very late evening. Not even Wednesday but I did the most of the Tuesday. Well, sort of. I did though a long walk, that means 6,15km which is about almost four American miles. Long walk, through the woods. I had my ordinary music on. It’s not that I don’t like other music than from 1950s and 1960s - which I do. But sometimes, that old school rock is very calming to listen.

I didn’t do much today besides that walk. Got some grocery’s stuff and such. An ordinary day, less boring than yesterday. Have a great Tuesday!

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Today was just another day. I literally stopped counting now that I’m on holiday. Not did I do much. One of my mates seems to prioritise his car to do some work on it (read waxing) than have a good afternoon with me over a lunch. And no friends on my Facebook who would invite me to Midsummer this year either. Haven’t been invited for many years. Unfortunately.

I don’t really know the reason behind it more than some of my friends are very picky with their invites to their parties. As if they were handpicked by first class Hollywood-celebrities. That’s why I rather be alone than having these “friends”.

Unsure what to do tomorrow. Perhaps just go to the gym and do some good work. If my friend - against all odds - says yes to the lunch.

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Well, today was interesting day. My nephews came. Of course that I played with them, but they got bit mischievous too. Especially the younger one, who was exactly as I was when I was in his age. Well, I was worse than Bart Simpson - Mr. Mischief himself. Did all kind of pranks and beyond. With everything I could grab, included living creatures such as frogs, wasps, grasshoppers and such. One time I summoned so many cats in my neighbourhood in Balkans and
invited them home, that the neighbours got worried (many were religious). Especially black cats, who were my favourites.

Locking back at those happy days, it’s why I loved these things about me. I always respected every animal. Always cared for them, always was there for them. To feed, to play. One day I will get me a dog, so I can go with him (or her) for some new adventures. A dog who can walk for miles on hikes and such. I know dogs costs and insurance and such. Plus the food. But why not. It’s not only a dog - it’s your most faithful companion and true friend. A friend who perhaps can’t talk human language, but who understands you. Who will always be there for you no matter what.

I know one thing is for sure: before I get 50, I’ll buy me a dog. No matter what anyone says. Period. And that classic Chevrolet Impala -62. Imported, of course. Dear reader: you got ONE life. Just one. Take care of it! And enjoy, every bit of it!

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Today it was Midsummer. I was celebrating Midsummer Eve with my family. We had good time and enjoyed ourselves. But my mom was right. Half of the summer has passed and soon it will be autumn. I told her that autumn is my favourite time of the year, especially October. Since you see all those colours from the trees. As if some giant painted their leafs in green, yellow and red with tint of orange.

I’m so glad that we spent this time together. I really am. Appreciating every moment of my life. I know what I have and I respect my vulnerability. But if I can control my illness, then I’ll have a life just as anyone else. Control and dominate it. Every time. I have huge respect for it and I have learnt a lot from it over these 11 years. From the symptoms and first signs, to the very core of it. And yet I’m still learning and still want to learn.

Have a great evening, dear reader. And remember:

“Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

- Francis of Assisi

Changes. I sometimes like them, sometimes I hate them. They can improve peoples lives, but they can also wreck them like a wrecking ball. I’m specifically thinking of that happening in America right now. I’m thinking of all women, who now will not have their rights with their own bodies. I’m thinking something so obvious in so many civilised countries around the world who let women decide what they want with their bodies.

I’m a male. White male. Already there I have the privilege of being white, with all benefits. More benefit than a coloured man. And if I also had fully Swedish name, I would probably increase that. That is how it goes, 2022. Is this okay to you? Why is our societies treating others differently? In classes - or sometimes - in races?

I can tell you for sure, despite that I didn’t sat any of my foot in America, that a white American women - with benefits and right contacts - would without a doubt perform an abortion IF she and her powerful family wanted. While an African American woman would been declined. At all costs so to say. It’s not only madness - but disgrace - to have removed Roe v. Wade., disgrace for the very democracy itself. I’ll might upset some readers here, but I don’t really care. I care about the justice and democracy for ALL people. That is why I’m not just upset, but furious.

My country is far from perfect. We have morons here too, who would’ve changed our fundamental laws and sorted people from people just if they could. Like Hitler did, minus the conversation camps. To limit free media, to limit the books. Erase books written by Jews. To change our entire justice system and have private police - in black uniforms. That’s how sick it is. Other European countries, like Hungary, already have this. In some ways Poland too. So no, I’m not living in a bubble. I’m following the world and every change that happens. I follow and I hope that people will understand and fix things to the better. Not to the worse. And that no one’s life will be hit by a wreaking ball. Especially not any woman’s.

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Today we had a great Sunday. I was mostly in the garden and tanking care of some plants. I think I need to saw down my cherry-tree since my neighbours parasites (from their sick cherry-tree) finally won. I had this tree since the 2015. And it has grown big. But what can I do against Mother Nature? To a parasite, that spreads with the wind? And even with a great distance?

I think we humans are even more helpless than this cherry-tree. We have all this protection, and yet we .can’t protect our crops. Our trees. We can’t protect anything. We do have tons and tons of plans, but what will we have them for if we are unable to execute them? We, the so called “dominant species”, who even decides who will live and who will die. To exterminate other species on behalf of our self interest and greed.

It is sad that my cherry-tree battled for seven years. And we got lots of cherries from it. And that was from a tinies parasite, the one you can’t even see. Imagine then what Mother Nature can take away, after it’s given, when the temperature changes even more. But why am I even keep telling this? To try convince anyone? No. I’m just trying to make some people understand that we are fast and steady making ourselves into utter destruction. And that grain-problem in Ukraine is only the tip of the mountain.

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What a stormy weather it was in Sweden today.
The thunderstorm, the power. It black outed entire town for three hours. My home is safe against lightning strikes and such, but it was bit worrying. In the nickel of time I managed to pull every chord I had attached from the wall. TV - eeeverything.

We people are - just as those in the Stone Age and the earlier beginning of homo sapients - afraid of the thunder. But we aren’t afraid of climate changes or even pandemics. True irony of the humanity. Neither did those people - back in the medieval ages in Europe - were afraid or even respected the Black Plague. Who also started in China, and where it killed 25 million people in Europe. Every third European citizen died from Black Plague. In the world? 75 million.

So why can’t we learn? Why can’t we respect Mother Nature, and go with the flow? Enjoy the life, discover beautiful places and such? Is it so hard to ask?

Tomorrow I’ll go with my mate and have a snack downtown at some restaurant. Asian food. Yes, it happens to be so that my favourite food out of all foods is Asian. Even if I love the people of China’s food too, it doesn’t mean I agree with their government. Which I never really will. In anything. See you tomorrow, dear reader, and have a good day. And night.

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Today I was with my friend. We had lunch at an Asian restaurant. Good food, even sushi - something I really like. He was like always, talked a lot. We were far from alone, since many tourists decided to eat too. So kind of crowded.

Afterwards, when he left, I went back home. I looked at my cherry-tree, how I was unable to save it. It looked so sad. Like a tree whose life almost completely drained, almost no leafs at all. No fruits - despite that it always did had before. How I’m blaming myself not taking this matter to a professional expert in gardening.

This is the hard reality, dear reader. To make your choices, at that moment. That time. Time, that we think it’s always on your side, but it isn’t. And it never will be. I have now learned something out of this, despite that I’m now going to saw down this wonderful cherry-trees. It’s not the tree itself I’m sad about - it’s all those memories that can’t be grown in a new tree.

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Dear reader. Not much did I done today. But I did preparing myself for a holiday through Europe. By car. The route is well known route for me, so I know how to drive, where to rest and were to sleep. I have a lot of experience so this won’t be much issue. I also prepared my medicines, every one of them. With caution. Also reserve medicines IF I lost the main one.

How I’m feeling right now? I’m lying in my bed and having a headache. I was up late these days. Sometimes I worry too much, on stuff that are non existing stuff - zero - only to create other worrying mindset. And it’s not always easy-peasy to delete such stuff from your hard drive. Hence why I was staying late all this time. But okay, I’m slowly trying to get earlier in the bed. And I try to think about everything except things that can worry me.

What to do tomorrow? Tomorrow I’ll do some gardening. I need to take care of some bushes. Then start to pack my bags.

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Hot day today. Not much going on, but soon I’m off to my holiday-trip through Europe. You probably ask yourself why I don’t just take a flight instead, especially with my bipolar disorder - to jeopardise it all? My psyche is very, very strong dear reader. It’s durable and takes many hits. Of course, I’m not underestimate my illness. But I’ve learned how to drive 2200 km (1370 American miles) and just sleep over a day. For years, even before my bipolar disorder. And when it’s in your bone marrow, then you go. Like everyone else.

But, I’m not driving 1370 miles in a sweep. I’m resting along the way too. Take some good coffee, chat with nice German and Austrian people. Being friendly and social. Also, I’m refuelling my brain by eating good food too. And drinking a lot of carbonated water (cause it contain salt and minerals that my brain need). So nothing really is impossible.

What I’m doing now? Drinking another fresh beer, non alcoholic. And sitting on my balcony. Listening at the night. Some dogs had a quarrel, but now it’s all calm.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Hexagon Changes. I sometimes like them, sometimes I hate them. They can improve peoples lives, but they can also wreck them like a wrecking ball. I’m specifically thinking of that happening in America right now. I’m thinking of all women, who now will not have their rights with their own bodies. I’m thinking something so obvious in so many civilised countries around the world who let women decide what they want with their bodies. I’m a male. White male. Already there I have the privilege of being white, with all benefits. More benefit than a coloured man. And if I also had fully Swedish name, I would probably increase that. That is how it goes, 2022. Is this okay to you? Why is our societies treating others differently? In classes - or sometimes - in races? I can tell you for sure, despite that I didn’t sat any of my foot in America, that a white American women - with benefits and right contacts - would without a doubt perform an abortion IF she and her powerful family wanted. While an African American woman would been declined. At all costs so to say. It’s not only madness - but disgrace - to have removed Roe v. Wade., disgrace for the very democracy itself. I’ll might upset some readers here, but I don’t really care. I care about the justice and democracy for ALL people. That is why I’m not just upset, but furious. My country is far from perfect. We have morons here too, who would’ve changed our fundamental laws and sorted people from people just if they could. Like Hitler did, minus the conversation camps. To limit free media, to limit the books. Erase books written by Jews. To change our entire justice system and have private police - in black uniforms. That’s how sick it is. Other European countries, like Hungary, already have this. In some ways Poland too. So no, I’m not living in a bubble. I’m following the world and every change that happens. I follow and I hope that people will understand and fix things to the better. Not to the worse. And that no one’s life will be hit by a wreaking ball. Especially not any woman’s. Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Thank you for this post. It is so thoughtful and insightful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hexagon Today we had a great Sunday. I was mostly in the garden and tanking care of some plants. I think I need to saw down my cherry-tree since my neighbours parasites (from their sick cherry-tree) finally won. I had this tree since the 2015. And it has grown big. But what can I do against Mother Nature? To a parasite, that spreads with the wind? And even with a great distance? I think we humans are even more helpless than this cherry-tree. We have all this protection, and yet we .can’t protect our crops. Our trees. We can’t protect anything. We do have tons and tons of plans, but what will we have them for if we are unable to execute them? We, the so called “dominant species”, who even decides who will live and who will die. To exterminate other species on behalf of our self interest and greed. It is sad that my cherry-tree battled for seven years. And we got lots of cherries from it. And that was from a tinies parasite, the one you can’t even see. Imagine then what Mother Nature can take away, after it’s given, when the temperature changes even more. But why am I even keep telling this? To try convince anyone? No. I’m just trying to make some people understand that we are fast and steady making ourselves into utter destruction. And that grain-problem in Ukraine is only the tip of the mountain. Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

I'm very sorry about your cherry tree. That you got lots of cherries from it is lovely, though.

It’s me again, lying on my bed and looking up. It has just rained and it’s heavy humidity. But I had a very busy day indeed. First, at 11:00, I went by foot downtown as fastest as I could to my new back-up barber. He was very young, born 1995 (I was 11 years older). But he fixed my beard like a pro. Every bit of it. Top notch. And for cheap money. Thing is, he was almost side by side with my old barber (who was on vacation in Lebanon). But this fella, who was from Syria, boy did he knew to fix beard. As. a Jedi for crowd out loud.

Afterwards, in this fantastic heat, I went home. Fixed my stuff for the travel. Unfortunately I didn’t finished packing it all, but tomorrow I will.

Besides all this, I do follow all politics. And even if I want to refuse that, it comes to me. No matter if I’m on Twitter or Facebook. I can see through facade so to speak. Even through digital algorithms and signs. Not to tell in person. That is one of my strongest abilities. An ability who have been strengthened over the years my experiences with bad people. Until you one day master that ability and see right through the bs. It’s like being that little boy who discovers all the time the Emperor’s new cloths, that the emperor is in matter of fact nothing but nude. And every time he tries to convince you that he got those exclusive overwhelming, extraordinary clothes you and only you see that he’s nothing but a naked fool. So do I discover every day lies and propaganda. And yet I don’t want to interfere with it. Or I chose my words wisely. Sometimes, I don’t say anyat all.

Why? Because, internet can be also an hostile environment. Yes, we can disagree about some topics, but why do you need to be an Alpha and harass others? Or humiliate them? That’s something I noticed with this so called “free speech” - especially on Twitter. Especially when it was LGBTQ+ month, even this year. Have we humans not developed us one bit since the 20th century? It’s 2022 and so many doesn’t respect other people by their gender, colour, if one of them pronounce themselves as “they” and such? On top of all that dark racism and fascism - even by lawn and enforcement? By police officers?

No, I won’t put any ants in your head, dear reader. I’m not that kind of person. But I only want you to know that there are people who fell for lies and propaganda. They swallow the bait and share with others in their community across any platform. Even physical one. Don’t fall for baits or propaganda, dear reader. Call it every time, and question it. After all: we aren’t the most intelligent species, but we aren’t dumbest either.

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Dear reader. I won’t write that much this time. It’s late and I will go on my holiday early tomorrow. I have prepared myself whole this Saturday. Triple-checked my medicines (Olanzapine and Ergenyl), plus their back ups. Everything is set to go.

If I manage to get any time, I might pop up here. But otherwise, in case I won’t, it means I have came very late to my destination, which will be Croatia. I will go by car, hence why I can’t always be online. Have a great evening.

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