Bipolar check-in # 66

I'm glad they have a treatment for macular degeneration (that's what she's being treated for right?) now. When I was working either there wasn't one or there wasn't anyone nearby doing it and I saw a lot of people struggle.

I have asked to be asleep- btw my Dr said half of her patients want to be asleep and half don't- because one part of the colposcopy was very painful. I don't even know that it was when they were taking samples- I just know it hurt a lot- my whole reproductive system just cramped up really hard! I figure the leep is more invasive- cutting out a bigger chunk of my cervix- so I'm fine with going under in this case. Ten minutes on the one hand seems silly for all the prep of going under but not if it's going to be as painful or more so than the colposcopy was. I dunno- maybe I'm being a big baby but she did say it's half and half going under vs not, so....

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Originally Posted by Nammu Just for an fyi mum’s eye injection went well. They gave her a numbing agent in an eye drop, then afterwards washed it out with eye drops. She said it didn’t hurt the eye but she could feel it in her big toe! They recommended Refresh gel eye drops as often as she wants and a ice pack as needed. I just made supper and she feels fine now that she ate. They did give her an eye patch but that’s to keep her from touching her eye.

Oh, good. I'm glad it went smoothly. You know, in Chinese medicine the belief is that we have energy channels, or meridians, running throughout our bodies. A trauma to one part of the body can be felt in a different part of the body. So who knows - maybe your mom really felt the effect of the work done in her eye in her big toe. Just never know.

Yeah that’s what it is. My father had it years ago, early onset but he resisted going to the eye dr. And I don’t think they had these injections back then. He was legally blind. He also resisted going to a rehab place where they could show him how to compensate. He was forced to retire and really went downhill fast. It’s one of the things I fear about getting older. I’m already deaf, loosing my sight would be so traumatic. But dad had blue eyes, never wore sunglasses and he smoked. Mum’s is age related, she’s 94. I can’t imagine being that old.

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom My T called to make sure I was coming Tuesday. I had a long convo with my husband about leaving me the hell alone about food that I'm not going to die between now and T appointment. The convo started because of what I said while smoking. The moral of the story is don't smoke when you're down. I didn't realize I was going to feel like ****, a liar, not worthy of the dx. that look like they're going to give me. I'm trying to drown out my thoughts with music but they're dark. I'm trying to distract but I don't feel like coloring or anything. I want to cry but I can't. Today is a 5 out of 10 day. 4 more hours till bed.

I have found that smoking weed can cause whatever emotion you're feeling to exacerbate. Especially true of the more refined and much, much stronger types that are available now.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I have asked to be asleep- btw my Dr said half of her patients want to be asleep and half don't- because one part of the colposcopy was very painful. I don't even know that it was when they were taking samples- I just know it hurt a lot- my whole reproductive system just cramped up really hard! I figure the leep is more invasive- cutting out a bigger chunk of my cervix- so I'm fine with going under in this case. Ten minutes on the one hand seems silly for all the prep of going under but not if it's going to be as painful or more so than the colposcopy was. I dunno- maybe I'm being a big baby but she did say it's half and half going under vs not, so....

Noooo....you are NOT being a big baby! I have noticed that some women are internally more sensitive than others. My daughter has always had a miserable time with pelvics, so did my mom. Pain and cramping. For me, pelvics have never been uncomfortable.

A few years ago I had to have a uterine biopsy and was briefly in a menopause support group; most of the women said that uterine biopsies are agonizingly painful. They really had a rough time. When I had mine I felt a moment of "pinch"...it didn't feel like a party, but it was not what I'd call painful. Every body is different. Also, every practitioner is different. Some are rougher than others.

If you feel comfortable with being asleep, that's absolutely the way to do it, I believe.

Oh btw, I told my mom today about the whole abnormal pap test, colposcopy and upcoming leep procedure. She said that she will take me if I need a driver. I did not tell her about the HPV part of the equation- no sense going into detail about my sexual history.

Thanks for this!

Unlike the weather, which suddenly got cloudy and cooled way down (thank the Universe) - I am burning.

So I called the clinic to make an appointment for a routine pap smear. The receptionist says, "Did anyone tell you that Mary will be out next week?" Uh, no...no one bothered to call and tell me and I'm pretty sure that, as usual, it would be Tuesday morning (because Monday's a holiday) when I would be informed. Lucky for me that I happened to call today.

So that was an annoyance, but really, I am angry at this point. I mean, if this was a rare one-time thing with Mary being out sick it would be understandable. But this is not at all uncommon. Over the past 3 years she has been out like this anywhere from one session to 3 months. The average is 3 weeks. Generally, I'll have between 5 and 9 sessions with her, then she's out sick - and always, without exception, on day-before or same-day notice.

She's 71 and I know she loves her job. I know she doesn't want to retire. But there comes a point, ya know? There comes a point at which clients are somewhere between being disappointed and being downright traumatized by her absences. There comes a time at which Mary is being really, truly selfish to keep letting clients down. It would be more understandable if it was a case of "Mary is on leave and will return *X* day." And that happens as planned. But this is the usual with her. "Mary will be back next week." "Hmm, well, looks like Mary's still sick, so it'll be another week." And so on.

I spoke with her very frankly about this once before when she disappeared for weeks. I told her that her behavior was selfish, that even though she doesn't want to retire, if her health demands it, perhaps she should retire. I came very close at that time to quitting therapy with her.

I have an appointment with Dr. B. on Tuesday. I miss Mary terribly, but honestly, this feels like abuse. Mary is not respecting my life, time, needs, boundaries.

*sigh* I'm angry. And I'm hurt. I mean, damn. She could shoot me a short email and let me know she's thinking of me and hopes to be well soon. Something. A tidbit.

Thanks for listening. Love to each of you.

Yeah I thought maybe carpal tunnel but he said I would have tingling in my thumb and forefinger. Right, I get it, but I just can’t understand how I could have arthritis so young. I dunno, maybe I’ll go and see my regular dr, he’s very nice and might be able to give me more time and attention since I’ve been with him a lot longer.

I remember getting a carpal tunnel test years ago, it was before CR was even a thought so I must have been 19 or 20. I only remember it because it SUCKED lol. That dr was a total b—- and didn’t even call to tell me the results and when I called she said something like sure, it’s carpal tunnel, click. No treatment plan, nothing. I took it upon myself to wear a brace. I don’t remember if it was helpful.

This has happened numerous times before but it usually goes away with the use of a brace and it’s never radiated pain into my whole hand. Oh well.

@*Beth*

I completely understand your anger. How can you work through anything with such inconsistency? Especially if you are beginning trauma work.

I personally am going to request to not work with the same student next year (if I’m not fired for the denial of my claim). I seriously love her but she is very vulnerable and I feel terrible that I left with no warning. She’s probably thinks it’s her fault. I just don’t want to do that to her again. I’m more confident that by the end of the summer I will be in a much better place and won’t have to leave again, but I don’t want to take the chance. Mary needs to realize the impact her absences are having on you and other clients!

I know you like her but it really seems that it's time for you to move on.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @*Beth* I completely understand your anger. How can you work through anything with such inconsistency? Especially if you are beginning trauma work. I personally am going to request to not work with the same student next year (if I’m not fired for the denial of my claim). I seriously love her but she is very vulnerable and I feel terrible that I left with no warning. She’s probably thinks it’s her fault. I just don’t want to do that to her again. I’m more confident that by the end of the summer I will be in a much better place and won’t have to leave again, but I don’t want to take the chance. Mary needs to realize the impact her absences are having on you and other clients!

It is mature and realistic of you to have made the decision not to work with the same student. I admire you for it; you are putting her needs before your own.

I think "first do no harm" applies whenever we're working in any kind of position in which we're providing care for another being. If we can't do that it seems the person/people who supervise us need to pick up the responsibility.

It's going to be miserably awkward and painful if I decide to see Dr. B. instead of Mary. She would want a closure session, I would not want the pain of that, and the dread of running into her in that small behavioral health department...I don't even want to think about it.

I agree with you about seeing your regular doctor. I wish I had better experience to share...I have never been diagnosed with carpal tunnel, but I have had wrist pain that was bad enough I had to wear a brace for a few weeks. I never did see a doctor about it. It would go away, return months or years later.

I just don't think "take Advil" is an answer.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I know you like her but it really seems that it's time for you to move on.

I agree with you, and I would tell anyone else the same. In fact, I would have told anyone else to find another therapist years ago, when the absences first began.

I was forced to move on from a prior therapist because she moved to Europe. I had 4 weeks notice. I was a mess for the whole time but liked the first therapist I tried out; I cancelled the other try-out I was supposed to do. But I was so afraid that I wouldn't do well with the new therapist. I also thought it was temporary and that in 4 years when the first therapist came back from Europe I'd go back to her (she returned but not to the therapy center). But it's been 16 years and this therapist is so much better for me. The other one and I spent way too much time talking about cats. With this man I've made progress.


If you don't want a closure session you can decline. And just smile and say "hi" pleasantly if you encounter her. She's not going to be mad at you if she is even a half-good therapist. She has to know she's not providing adequate treatment and she should be referring you on. She knows you've been struggling lately right?


I just can't imagine my therapist missing 50% or more of our sessions. It would be a no-go for me although I do understand not wanting to change a good thing. I guess you have to figure out what "good thing" means to you.

I feel miserable. In one place I lived I had a closet and when I needed time out I'd crawl into that closet and huddle up in there for 10 minutes or so. That was when the kids were very young - oh, I never hid unless David was there, too, to watch the kids. They'd be playing with him or watching TV. No one ever found me in that closet; they just figured I went for a walk or was in the yard. I'm come out of the closet feeling grounded and much less tired.

I wish I had that closet to crawl into right now. I just feel so, so sad. I feel so sad that I don't even feel the energy to feel self-destructive.

It's absolutely ridiculous to feel this way because my therapist can't accept her own limitations. And because whoever her supervisor is doesn't say, Hmmm...maybe our patients are being hurt by this situation.

This is like a relationship in which I keep returning to my abuser. It's effing sick anymore. I just want to disappear off the earth.

@*Beth* Thank-you I am not going to repeat last night again.

Just generally in a bad mood. I need to eventually shower, do laundry and daily adult ****. I just want to stay in bed, hiding from my kitchen. I ate today so that's positive. I don't understand these feelings. I give up on today. I'm going to bed. Goodnight See you all tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I was forced to move on from a prior therapist because she moved to Europe. I had 4 weeks notice. I was a mess for the whole time but liked the first therapist I tried out; I cancelled the other try-out I was supposed to do. But I was so afraid that I wouldn't do well with the new therapist. I also thought it was temporary and that in 4 years when the first therapist came back from Europe I'd go back to her (she returned but not to the therapy center). But it's been 16 years and this therapist is so much better for me. The other one and I spent way too much time talking about cats. With this man I've made progress. If you don't want a closure session you can decline. And just smile and say "hi" pleasantly if you encounter her. She's not going to be mad at you if she is even a half-good therapist. She has to know she's not providing adequate treatment and she should be referring you on. She knows you've been struggling lately right? I just can't imagine my therapist missing 50% or more of our sessions. It would be a no-go for me although I do understand not wanting to change a good thing. I guess you have to figure out what "good thing" means to you.

Thank you, Rainbow. Your perspective is very helpful to me. It's interesting, and ultimately wonderful, that you ended up really progressing with your second therapist.

I saw a therapist many years ago, was in therapy with him for 6 years. Neither he nor I ever missed sessions. And I mean never; only for his August 2 week vacation. That was through the Veteran's Admin. One day I went in for my usual session - I still remember - Tuesdays at 11 a.m. - and on almost no notice he had been stationed to an entirely different part of the country. We never had a chance to have any closure, at all. That session was our last. It took a long time before I was able to pick up the pieces. But, I had learned a tremendous lot in that therapy, and I made use of it.

One big problem with my therapy with Mary is that she keeps telling me I've made so much progress. Well, yeah, I've made some. A little bit. But every time she says it I want to say, "How could I make REAL progress when every time I start to work on something you disappear for weeks or months?"

It would be amazing to work with a T and make true progress.

Yes, she certainly knows I've been struggling. She thinks that I'll be okay until she gets back if I see 1 or 2 of her colleagues in the meantime. That's what she tells herself. I honestly think she'll be shocked and upset if I leave.

Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to agree to a closure session. That would be poison to me.

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom @*Beth* Thank-you I am not going to repeat last night again. Possible trigger: I'm so just done. I'm not suicidal, not really, thought about it but won't due to the chance of being hospitalized. Plus all sharp objects are up and pills away. I have a headache (lack of food/water) Just generally in a bad mood. I need to eventually shower, do laundry and daily adult ****. I just want to stay in bed, hiding from my kitchen. I ate today so that's positive. I don't understand these feelings. I give up on today. I'm going to bed. Goodnight See you all tomorrow.

I'm sending you love, my friend.

Beth please talk to the interim therapist about it write it if you can. I'm so sorry your T isn't healthy and available to you. I know you don't want to start over but think about it, please. This isn't therapeutic anymore.

I had a great trip with my dad and daughter this last week it was a like 3500 mile foodie roadtrip we ate bbq for like 6 meals it was great. I had no alone time on this trip but I was ok with that it really took my mind off of my wife. I did not cry that entire trip. I am home since yesterday afternoon I had some depression but not bad. Now today has been different I have been crying since this afternoon but I am ok with that. I'm not sobbing when I cry just some nice tears. This depression is not as bad s it had been im crying but it actually feels good maybe even healthy. One thing I am happy about is that I have not had nightmares for a couple of weeks now.

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom Beth please talk to the interim therapist about it write it if you can. I'm so sorry your T isn't healthy and available to you. I know you don't want to start over but think about it, please. This isn't therapeutic anymore.

Thank you so, so much. Writing about how I feel is a great idea. I could give it to him, rather than go through the hell of reading it myself. He'll probably read it aloud like your T did, but if I read it I'll cry and I hate crying.

You've said it perfectly...no. It isn't therapeutic anymore. It's traumatizing me and causing me to feel self-destructive. It's crazy-making.

I hope you are having a good sleep by now.

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Originally Posted by otroo I had a great trip with my dad and daughter this last week it was a like 3500 mile foodie roadtrip we ate bbq for like 6 meals it was great. I had no alone time on this trip but I was ok with that it really took my mind off of my wife. I did not cry that entire trip. I am home since yesterday afternoon I had some depression but not bad. Now today has been different I have been crying since this afternoon but I am ok with that. I'm not sobbing when I cry just some nice tears. This depression is not as bad s it had been im crying but it actually feels good maybe even healthy. One thing I am happy about is that I have not had nightmares for a couple of weeks now. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

That trip sounds amazing! Makes me hungry, lol.

You should be really proud of yourself for working so hard and taking the steps to deal with your grief.

Thank you I appreciate it. It was really fun and it was a good bonding time with my daughter.

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Thinking of you. Sending comforting vibes and gentle hugs.