[Nammu]

Are they in the process of helping you find safer accommodation?

[MuddyBoots]

I asked, but they said since housing's rough right now it'll be a while.

I'm thinking of just getting my backpacking **** and staying out of my car for a bit. I think my dad will calm down in a bit.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

...
I'm starting to feel like most of my mental health stuff is caused by trauma rather than biological origins. I hid it forever under a bubbly mask and then it turned angry and then *I* turned to anything to numb that anger. And then I went seeking out more trauma because that's what I had learned I deserved.

Yep. I tend to agree with your insight about yourself, and I am becoming more & more sure that my situation is the same - at least to a substantial degree. I haven't had addiction or SH issues myself, but I've sure had many a friend who did. My behaviors were more relationship-oriented and sexual stuff.

I had a dear friend, we used to roller skate together in a city, downtown, mostly at night. This was only about 12 years ago. She lived across the street from this incredible landmark dive bar & we'd skate in the parking lot behind the bar. Her apartment was a total dump, but she had fixed it up to be something special. However, it was a

Possible trigger:

shooting gallery. So people would buy dope off my friend's bf, who was gorgeous, but serious scum. Then they'd sit around the apartment, shooting up and nodding out.

To shorten a long story...my friend had a serious habit. For several years. She was in very bad shape. Then one day, just one day, she said Enough. She dumped the boyfriend, got hooked up with a clinic and various social services. She worked sooo hard to stay clean. After awhile she enrolled in university as a fine arts major, spent 4 years there, graduated, and is now a professional textile artist. She's in her late 30's and has a real life.
And I know so many, too many, others who have struggled with addiction. A couple didn't make it. The rest did. They did get clean, stayed clean, and created lives for themselves. I don't think a single one of them could envision a "normal" life while in the middle of fighting addiction. But there you go. It happens.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

[Nammu]

That’s got to be rough.

[*Beth*]

If there's something biological about your stuff, it sounds like the genetic part is a tendency to addiction.

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

@buddha1too you might remember me by my old name, Sapien? I do recall you (and it's nice to see you again, thanks!)

You bet I remember you. In fact, I was wondering where you went & was hoping you were doing well. Part of the reason I remember you is that you have a keen sense of humor, & a heightened survival instinct...which is why I trust you to get through this rough patch.

But, damn, woman! I'm in recovery myself (for many years) & can't even imagine living with someone who's still using...even if he/she was family. I sense you're kind of trapped, but you might do well to get out of that situation for a while...even if you have to take extraordinary measures. I know you want to stay in ACT (which is good), but try to find a safer, cleaner alternative if at all possible. Again, easier written than done...Hang in there. You just wrote about some smart moves to keep yourself safe. Keep following through.

[*Beth*]

buddha has brought something up I'm wondering about. Does the ACT team know you're living with a user so you can stay with ACT? I can't remember all the specifics of how ACT works. What is the reason you can't get hooked in with an ACT team if you're at your mom's?

[MuddyBoots]

my mom lives outside my current CMHC region. I think the CMHC at my mom's has an ACT team but they're way less resourceful and it takes a lot longer to get in and we can't do as many things at fss appointments because of the rural nature of the region.

I spent the night with a friend but she's an active addict too. Kept begging me for my Kpin so that's not a long term solution either. My dad crashed so I'm back and things are calmish now.

[Nammu]

Oh @MuddyBoots what about a sober house? I know nothing about them except that they exist. I so do hope you can keep the act team but find safer housing. I know when I got sec8 and was able to move into my own place it helped me beyond any other single thing. I. Had nothing but a single mattress on the floor, a chair I got from a charity and an old beat up black and white tv. But I was there for over 12 years. It was my safe place. I know sec 8 is horrendous to get on their lists. I had to wait years even though I was priority because I was on disability. Can act help you get on the list?

[MuddyBoots]

Sober house isn't an option. Case manager said she'll help me find a place but sec 8 here is like a 7 year waiting list.

I'm in crisis yet again but I don't want to call my act team and explain the same damn thing all over again

[MuddyBoots]

I did call the crisis line and I guess I scared her because she's going to try to send someone out today to check on me and maybe move up my pdoc appointment. She threw the term manic around a bit. I had some "nighty night" tea last night and slept 5 hours. My dad's out today. I scraped up/bruised my knee running donw a wet grassy hill yesterday. I feel like a child throwing a temper tantrum and God's pinning me down by the wrists, but He taught me some self-defense stuff when he decided to give me to my father so maybe I'll get up.

[MuddyBoots]

I've been texting my new friend that we went to a meeting with and he wants me to go to group with him again today (not NA but the group we met at). I HAVE A UNIVERSE TO HOLD TOGETHER but I can teach about hte sacredness of the moose and all the other dimensions. It only hurts when I go downstairs so that means I'm not ready to fight the Devil but sometimes we have to do things we're not ready for .

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

I couldn't take it anymore. I'm high, and I feel 100% better. Like, calm, happy. Not heroin.

[~Christina]

Sending you lots of love and hugs

Please take care of yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MuddyBoots]

Didn't sleep last night. Fuuuuck this shyt. At least I'm home alone so I can PARTY TO MY HEARTS CONTENT and keep the doors locked because fk the outside world.

[*Beth*]

I believe you'll get clean when you're ready. Or you won't. Either way, you have determination.

[MuddyBoots]

I just hate how I can go an agonizing two weeks without but then 1 minute of weakness brings me right back to day 0.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm worried I'm going to get addicted to benzos next. They've practically been shoving them down my throat for the past year and now they don't do anything. I just had a fight with my fss worker because she told me to take some kpin to calm down and stop pacing but now I just feel not so great and really agitated when I was on top of hte motha****in world before I talked to her.

I told her I thought my new friend was plotting something against me and she said "that's reasonable given your history with men" and I wasn't even thinking about that and now I'm ruminating and I figured out why my (now ex?)boyfriend won't let me to his apartment. He knows I'm capable of blind rage and he's given me reason to take it out on him. If he comes over here (which he hasn't in months because he got arrested) he'll be on alert but if I don't know where he lives I can't sneak in and get him off guard.

She told me not to drive. Said to stay home all week (not even go for walks because she doesn't want me freaking out, running, and passing out in the heat because we're in a heat wave) and she'll try to get my meds delivered to me. I told her about my drug use yesterday and she didn't seem too concerned about it compared to what I was doing prior to two weeks ago.

I would call the team and tell them I want to take the rest of my kpin because I'm sick of these crazy emotions that never end. I feel like with bipolar mood swings they last longer and are more consistent but I'm like YEAH Z-SPINS!!!! THIS AWESOME FEELING WILL NEVER END! THEN a minute later I'm screaming and punching walls (well, if I have some semblance of impulse control a pillow but I usually don't and then I'm laying on the ground crying and then for the next hour I'm dissociated and exhausted but still agitated.

[*Beth*]

@MuddyBoots

Well, Kpin causes major mood swings when taken prn. That's a problem with it.

What are your DOC's? I ask because I believe a certain DOC(s) can tell us a lot about what's going on as far as what our basic issues are.

Do you ever listen to Nick Cave?

[Nammu]

It’s a major belief by the western medicine people that benzos reduce cravings. Frankly I don’t know that it does. And yes mood swings are a side effect.

Beth what’s a DOC?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

@MuddyBoots

Well, Kpin causes major mood swings when taken prn. That's a problem with it.

What are your DOC's? I ask because I believe a certain DOC(s) can tell us a lot about what's going on as far as what our basic issues are.

Do you ever listen to Nick Cave?

I find I have mood swings and also rebound anxiety especially from the short acting benzo, including when taken at the prescribed dose

I was wondering what DOC's are?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

@MuddyBoots

Well, Kpin causes major mood swings when taken prn. That's a problem with it.

What are your DOC's? I ask because I believe a certain DOC(s) can tell us a lot about what's going on as far as what our basic issues are.

Do you ever listen to Nick Cave?

That's good to know about the Kpin. Stuff is going in the trash.
DOCs are opioids+weed.
Don't listen to NickCave, why?
--------
What the actual fk brain? Really? Kill self because person you met last week didn't answer your text in three hours?
This is why I don't get close to good people.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

It’s a major belief by the western medicine people that benzos reduce cravings. Frankly I don’t know that it does. And yes mood swings are a side effect.

Beth what’s a DOC?

A DOC is a drug of choice.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

That's good to know about the Kpin. Stuff is going in the trash.
DOCs are opioids+weed.
Don't listen to NickCave, why?
--------
What the actual fk brain? Really? Kill self because person you met last week didn't answer your text in three hours?
This is why I don't get close to good people.

Ha, I just thought you might like Nick Cave.

I would feel the same way about the text, etc. But I'm no pinnacle of emotional health.

Opioids. Well, pills are tough enough to come clean from. God girl, do NOT go near heroin or you will be in a serious mess. I'm sure it's tempting but please, please, please, Boots. Don't die, okay? You want to be out of pain, you do not want to die. I promise that.

So opioids decrease anxiety and tell you that you are calmer. Being calmer helps people stay focused. Maybe too focused, though. As in...stuck in one place. It's all understandable, it all makes sense. But a huge issue with opioids is the moodiness. Gaaahhhh. They make people SOOOO moody.

Any of your support professionals understand that you're trying to stay less anxious and more focused?

[*Beth*]

@MuddyBoots btw, don't just throw the Kpin in the trash because of course you may find yourself going through the trash picking the Kpin out. I suggest putting it in a bowl and melting it with hot water, then tossing the melted stuff in that bin.