[*Beth*]

The music is excellent! I'm sad about the purging. Did your ACT person call?

[MuddyBoots]

Nah, no call from ACT person. But the last guy I talked to gave me his cell phone number in case the emergency line doesn't call me back. Which makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to intrude on whatever he's got going on. I don't know his working/sleeping schedule.

Right now I'm smelling potent Pemi poots

[MuddyBoots]

I just wrote this in my journal and realized how fccked this is.

Possible trigger:

I hope [binging and purging] kills me. I know it'll take a while, but the fact I'm vomiting a little blood is promising. I just wish it were more. That seems kinda ****ed up.

I think I need help. I don't know if this is an "I should call on-call" crisis or wait until I talk to someone from ACT, but this is lowkey sui thoughts/actions. Weight loss isn't my motivating factor, it's just a bonus.

Possible trigger:

Also I took extra valium the other night. I'm tempted

[Nammu]

I’d call. The purging is likely more passive sui but the taking of extra meds, that’s more worrisome.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I agree with Nammu

[*Beth*]

I very much agree with Nammu and Rainbow, Boots. "Just one more pill" and your other thoughts are suicidal thinking, sweetpea. I swear to God, you are one human being we need on this planet. Please do what you need to do to stick around

[MuddyBoots]

Have yet to call. Don't really feel like taking the extra pills anymore. I talk to someone tomorrow irl (hopefully).

[Fuzzybear]

[MuddyBoots]

So I just got done talking with my case worker. I told her about the pills (that I had some, not that I took some) and she drove me to the police station to drop them off (but I only dropped off some really old Kpin, I still have a sht ton more of valium). I told her about the bloody vomit and she said that's not a good thing but she didn't seem super concerned. I think she wants me to tell my mom I've been binging and purging and that if I don't I'm at risk of cutting myself again or something like that, but I think that's BS. If I'm harming myself, I'm happy. B/P is a form of self harm so no need to cut.

I just feel so fccking numb all the time. I'm okay if I'm writing or playing the piano or guitar or some sort of self harm, but the rest of the time I just feel...idk...like nothing's real/nothing matters/there is only a very small probability this is actually reality so why go through this?

[*Beth*]

~~~~~ ~~~~~

[Nammu]

[MuddyBoots]

For some reason I woke up at 2am this morning. By 3:30am I was purging. I'm challenging myself not to do so for the rest of the weekend (mostly because there's a lot of blood now and purging has become next to impossible). Also no cutting for the next week was my deal with my case worker. I went back to bed and missed going out food shopping with my mom so now I have to go out myself. She bought A TON of junk food.

Saco and Pemi are adjusting nicely. Bo is tolerating them pretty well, and even Lu only hits them when they go right up to her. I don't think I mentioned this but Bean ran away while I was in the hospital. He was a vicious fighter outside so I'm thinking he bit off a little more than he can chew and got eaten by a coyote or a bobcat or something.

I want to let Saco and Pemi enjoy the outdoors but maybe I'll get them harnesses and take them for walks or something. They just seem so defenseless right now whereas Bean had lived his whole life prior to coming to us in my aunt's barn/in that area so he had those survival skills sharpened up nicely (or so we thought).

If you've ever lost someone you love and want a good cry here you go:

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

For some reason I woke up at 2am this morning. By 3:30am I was purging. I'm challenging myself not to do so for the rest of the weekend (mostly because there's a lot of blood now and purging has become next to impossible). Also no cutting for the next week was my deal with my case worker. I went back to bed and missed going out food shopping with my mom so now I have to go out myself. She bought A TON of junk food.

Saco and Pemi are adjusting nicely. Bo is tolerating them pretty well, and even Lu only hits them when they go right up to her. I don't think I mentioned this but Bean ran away while I was in the hospital. He was a vicious fighter outside so I'm thinking he bit off a little more than he can chew and got eaten by a coyote or a bobcat or something.

I want to let Saco and Pemi enjoy the outdoors but maybe I'll get them harnesses and take them for walks or something. They just seem so defenseless right now whereas Bean had lived his whole life prior to coming to us in my aunt's barn/in that area so he had those survival skills sharpened up nicely (or so we thought).

If you've ever lost someone you love and want a good cry here you go:

It's possible you've ruptured little veins in your stomach and/or esophagus. My husband went on a whiskey binge when he was a dumb 16 year old, damn near killed himself, and has puked bits of blood all of his life since. We figure he has a small rupture in his wherever and it just reopens whenever he gets sick.

Aw, I'm so sorry about Bean. Ooh, I wouldn't let Saco and Pemi out at such young ages, with no outside experience. They're prey. The harnesses are a smart idea.

Thanks for the link. I usually do check out links certain people post. I appreciate people sharing that part of themselves, it really helps me know them. I'm going to skip this one for now, anyway, until I feel more stable. But I'm looking forward to it in the future

[MuddyBoots]

Thanks for the info, Beth. We're not letting them outside any time soon, although they are so curious about what's beyond those doors!
Definitely don't check out the song until you're in a more stable place. It's my go-to song when I want to cry.

[MuddyBoots]

Well, today in therapy I finally said how much my trauma is affecting me and how it needs to be addressed ASAP and she said we can start doing more trauma based therapy especially since lately I've been doing better when it comes to distress tolerance (DBT is working!)

I'm kinda scared. She warned me how it's going to get worse before it gets better. Lately I've been thinking about it a lot but at the same time trying to push away those thoughts and numb all my feelings (successfully).

[Nammu]

Hang on to your DBT skills cause yes, addressing the trauma does get worse before it gets better, but then the better is so much of an improvement that it will be worth it.

[*Beth*]

Just please know that I'm pulling for you all the way, Boots. You are absolutely on the right path.

[MuddyBoots]

Thanks guys. I'm feeling so ambivalent about it.
---
I'm so fccking tired today.

Today's 50 days sober.

[*Beth*]

***Congratulations!*** 52 days is HUGE, Boots!

[Nammu]

Wow 🤩 that’s an accomplishment! Congratulations

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Congratulations on 50 days!

[MuddyBoots]

Thanks guys!

I'm needing more and more Seroquel to get to sleep and I'm waking up earlier and earlier (around 2am, but I take more melatonin and can get back to bed). I am feeling very amped and kinda like I'm on crack, but I did just finish an intense workout, had an instant breakfast (whoa vitamins!), and had a cup of coffee and a cup of tea so maybe that's it. I was telling my therapist on Monday that I was feeling more depressed. That's changed! We're in a winter storm warning so maybe the snow is making me just a bit too excited. 6-10" expected! It's wet too, so good base building for skiing.

I don't know if I'm going skiing next year. Remember me breaking my hip trying street skiing at my dad's last February? Yeah, I'm afraid of aggravating that. Although all the working out and running I've been doing hasn't so maybe I'll try if I have the money (downhill has gotten super expensive over the past 5-10 years). If there's enough snow I'll do some local bc.

I'll be surprised if my case worker manages to come out today given the weather. She's supposed to but I have a feeling it'll just be a phone call.

Saco and Pemi say hi!

[*Beth*]

Thanks for your update, Boots! I read a lot about on the forum about instant breakfast. What is it?

Do you have to go to a place and pay money to ski? (IF you decide to this year, which may not be such a good idea.) Or by "street skiing" do you literally mean the street in front of your dad's place? I've never been skiing (and never will), but I've been sledding twice...once was sheer hell because I ended up sliding down the entire long, long mountainside on my bare back shrieking in pain, lying at the bottom, when I finally arrived, writhing at a merciful stop, begging to die, please God, just die, my back was burning so, so badly.

The second time was a polite nod to sledding at a friend's house, it went okay, I was glad it was over, and I couldn't get back into the house by the wood-burning stove fast enough.

Sorry...I went back in time to my sledding things

Saco and Pemi, Hello!

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Thanks for your update, Boots! I read a lot about on the forum about instant breakfast. What is it?

Do you have to go to a place and pay money to ski? (IF you decide to this year, which may not be such a good idea.) Or by "street skiing" do you literally mean the street in front of your dad's place? I've never been skiing (and never will), but I've been sledding twice...once was sheer hell because I ended up sliding down the entire long, long mountainside on my bare back shrieking in pain, lying at the bottom, when I finally arrived, writhing at a merciful stop, begging to die, please God, just die, my back was burning so, so badly.

The second time was a polite nod to sledding at a friend's house, it went okay, I was glad it was over, and I couldn't get back into the house by the wood-burning stove fast enough.

Sorry...I went back in time to my sledding things

Saco and Pemi, Hello!

Usually for downhill skiing (which is what I usually do) you pay for a lift ticket (which has become mad expensive over the past few years), but by street skiing I mean using a shovel, a bungee cord, another person, and something to jib on right on the streets. Much cheaper. If I do go skiing this year it won't be on the black diamonds or on icy days. I might wait until spring or a warm, rainy day for soft and slow snow.

Yikes to that first sledding experience. I've had similar experiences skiing and falling on granular snow and having my jacket slide up on me or just plain skiing in a T shirt. Not fun at all.

[*Beth*]

Yikes, street skiing sounds kinda dangerous, to say the least. And definitely if there's ice! Please don't break yourself again, Boots.

My friends and I were so dumb when we went sledding. A bunch of kids from the Valley and the Coast, decided to head to the mountains. I was wearing Levi's and a wool sweater. I'm embarrassed to say it ...cotton tube socks (they were knee socks that were in style then) and Adidas, just ankle-high nylon things. No coat, nothing. I did have gloves on, but they were wool and got all wet right away & smelled like wet dogs. The ride home was awful. At least 2 1/2 hours huddled up, sopping wet, frozen. Nothing like skin-tight ice-cold sopped Levi's that weigh like, 50 lbs.