[MuddyBoots]

On and off raining here. Blah. I tried going for a walk, but it got super icy over night so it was a quick one (about a slippery mile in the fog). I got a pretty good selfie though (not gonna post for anonymity purposes).

My emotions have been wild lately. On Friday when I saw my case worker she said it was the brightest she's ever seen me, and then the next day I was sui, and then hours later I was fine. I haven't been sleeping well because my mom's sick and her coughing keeps me up (she tested negative for covid).

I did something incredibly stupid though. I was helping her out with her phone in the midst of a binge, holding it after she held it, and then went to purge without washing my hands. I thought I'd get sick but I didn't surprisingly. Super lucky.

I don't know where I'm at today. I put all my poems from my year of poetry project into one document on google docs and titled them all (I think). I wrote an intro that I'm still working on. I think I'm going to publish it on Amazon. That's been my goal for a while now, and it's finally coming to an end. I feel like all my poetry sucks, but other people have said it's good so maybe it's just self-doubt. I know there are some winners in there, but is it overall good? Funny enough there is already a writer with my same first and last name, just the first name is spelled differently.

[MuddyBoots]

So, first night on Doxepin. I took it at 7pm and I felt really drowsy, but I couldn't fall asleep for another two hours after putting on a podcast (those always help me fall asleep if I'm already tired). Fell asleep around 9pm. Woke up at 3am hungry as all hell (probably my fault because I've been restricting, also my mom had a coughing fit so that could've woken me up too as it has the past four nights). I wanted to binge so bad but I didn't. Went back to bed around 6am. Got up at 7::30 for meds then back to sleep until 8:30 when I finally got up and moving. Made a coffee, did a quick workout, and now I'm off to drink that coffee, take a shower, and hopefully make it through the day.

Also I bought a mountain bike. I didn't do much research, but this one had good reviews for a beginner and although I'm not a beginner this one was pretty cheap ($300 as opposed to $3,000). I don't plan on taking it on any double diamonds, just around the trails here, so it should be good.

I don't remember logging in lol.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad the first day went well.

[MuddyBoots]

Day 2 of the Doxepin. I slept like 11 hours (waking up in the night from vivid dreams of course), but didn't wake up groggy. I'm working on getting my book published on Amazon, but there's a lot of steps for someone who barely used amazon in the past. Binged and purged last night and this morning.

[MuddyBoots]

My book is now available on Amazon Kindle I kinda rushed through the journey. I'm trying to get it paperback, but it's a process. Doxepin's not been doing anything, I'm still sleeping like 12 hours a night and waking up every 2.

[*Beth*]

Ugh, I'm sorry about the Doxepin.

I would love, love to read your book.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

My book is now available on Amazon Kindle I kinda rushed through the journey. I'm trying to get it paperback, but it's a process. Doxepin's not been doing anything, I'm still sleeping like 12 hours a night and waking up every 2.

Congratulations 🎊🎈🎉

[MuddyBoots]

Anyone that has Amazon Kindle and wants to read it just PM me

[MuddyBoots]

I'm doing alright I guess. Still doing the b/p thing. SH'd a couple days ago. But other than that I'm ****ing fantastic.

[MuddyBoots]

It snowed (and then it rained and got rid of all the snow), but it did snow yesterday.



I've not been doing so well. I sleep like 12 hours a night but wake up every 1-3. Things have been

[*Beth*]

I'm sorry about the sleep disturbance and
So is the Doxepin not working, or is it too early to tell?

Thank you for that beautiful photograph, Boots.

[MuddyBoots]

I think it's too early to tell. Haven't even been on it two weeks.

Getting up and down that hill to get the pic sucked though. It was icy leaves covered by a dusting of snow. Slippery af.

The guy that r***ed me keeps sending me memes. I know I should block him, but I can't. I'm actually responding to them.

[*Beth*]

Why can't you block him? Rather, why won't you block him?

[Hexagon]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

It snowed (and then it rained and got rid of all the snow), but it did snow yesterday.



I've not been doing so well. I sleep like 12 hours a night but wake up every 1-3. Things have been

I wish you all well, Muddy. I had also some disturbances with the sleep. Could wake up late at night then had difficult to sleep. Plus that olanzapine on 5mg now makes me drowsy so when I finally re-sleep, I wake up at 11 am.

I really hope that it will be better with you. I do also long walks, in nature. And it helps - sometimes more than the medicines.

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[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Why can't you block him? Rather, why won't you block him?

"Any attention is better than no attention"

Plus the memes are funny as shyt

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

"Any attention is better than no attention"

Plus the memes are funny as shyt

I understand. Kinda why I've been chatting with the guy I lived with for 12 years. Our break-up was vile. He was using heroin & meth & drinking. When I left him he stole so much stuff from me, plus burned my wedding dress (he was angry because we never got married). Etc. He is clean now and on psych meds (he has schizoaffective and BD1). At this point it's not about attention for me (would have been when I was younger), but just someone I have some history with (our first years were really happy) to connect with because we're both so isolated.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I understand. Kinda why I've been chatting with the guy I lived with for 12 years. Our break-up was vile. He was using heroin & meth & drinking. When I left him he stole so much stuff from me, plus burned my wedding dress (he was angry because we never got married). Etc. He is clean now and on psych meds (he has schizoaffective and BD1). At this point it's not about attention for me (would have been when I was younger), but just someone I have some history with (our first years were really happy) to connect with because we're both so isolated.

Thank you for understanding. I know the guy pretty well, yet somehow not at all. I lived near him (where my dad lives) for 11 years before things started escalating between us, and I always thought he was a cool dude. I just want to know how his brain works...

[*Beth*]

Yes, I understand all of that.

[MuddyBoots]

Bipol-imia: When you're bipolar, but your meds make you mad hungry so you eat a lot and then feel bad about it so you make yourself throw up

Yeah...that's it...

[Hexagon]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Bipol-imia: When you're bipolar, but your meds make you mad hungry so you eat a lot and then feel bad about it so you make yourself throw up

Yeah...that's it...

Oh I know this so well. It’s almost 22 pm at night here in Sweden (21:38) and yet I want to go for a fking snack

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

[MuddyBoots]

I'm a bit paranoid today. I got my Haldol shot today so hopefully that'll kick in over the next few days.

holy shyt, how am I still alive?

Possible trigger:

I Just checked what my lithium level was after my overdose and it was 4.9. Above 1.2 is toxic and above 3.5 you should be dead.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm a filthy piece of shyt that deserves to be thrown away like used toilet paper.

[*Beth*]

No, Boots, you are not a filthy piece of sh-it. You are an amazingly gifted, intelligent, lovely woman who happens to have a mental illness. I'm sending you love

[MuddyBoots]

But I am. I don't particularly care to explain why here, but trust me, I am.

[Victoria'smom]

Muddy boots, your a caring friend that we have the privilege of knowing. That won't change no matter what happened.