[Fuzzybear]

I was wondering if a therapist has ever helped you learn to set healthy boundaries if there were issues with abuse/neglect in childhood? Or just in general?

My parents were of the opinion that I ''should'' learn ''life lessons'' through the ''School of Hard Knocks''. Ugh.

They both had ''issues'' with boundaries, I believe both had clinically diagnosable NPD. They were not self aware (it was always, apparently, someone else who was Wrong and Bad, usually me )

A therapist did ''teach'' me about boundaries, but not in a positive sense.

I'm also wondering if I'm the only person here who seems to have been a magnet to Narcissists in the past?

Sometimes I seem to share ''too little'' and sometimes ''too much''.... Of course that is a judgment though.

I find it more helpful to try to be AS IS, the complete opposite of my upbringing where I was supposed to be silent (then eventually blamed for it)

I read a post by someone here asking if there is a support group for support groups I sometimes think that might be helpful And also support groups for those in therapy.. (deleted)

Peace,
Fuzzy

[Sunflower123]

I have learned about setting boundaries in therapy and on my own through self study. I come from a childhood of abuse and neglect so I feel you there. I am also a recovering codependent and people pleaser. It’s been critical for me to set boundaries in order to heal. It’s difficult but doable. Are you in therapy now? If not there are some excellent books on setting boundaries.

I agree about the support groups.

Fuzzy, I think you are terrific as is.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I was wondering if a therapist has ever helped you learn to set healthy boundaries if there were issues with abuse/neglect in childhood? Or just in general?

My mother was diagnosed with a hardcore case of BPD and spent much time IP after she and my father divorced when I was six.

Mom would be loving, affectionate, adoring to an extreme one hour while the next hour she would

Possible trigger:

accuse me of bizarre things, such as stealing from her (she accused many people of stealing from her, stealing the mail, breaking into our house, and similar, odd intrusions - paranoia), insist that there were noxious fumes in the house (so would cover all the windows with black plastic tarp), pleaded with me to "respect her" ??? I was a child; frequently threatened to kill me while I was asleep, told stories about her life that were entirely made up, etc., etc. She beat me badly while she was in psychosis. In general, she was in a state of delusional rage when her BPD took over.

When she emerged from the psychosis she seemed to have no memory of it, and insisted that she was a caring, loving person. She couldn't understand why people were saying such "mean lies" about her. When my mother was stable she was an extraordinary woman. But she was a tragedy because she was tormented by mental illness all of her life. I do not hate her; her life was heartbreaking. That said, my mother caused my childhood to feel like I was on a seesaw every moment of every day.

Possible trigger:

To avoid writing a book here, I'll just say that my step-father sexually abused me for 6 years. He was a raving lunatic and an alcoholic. Extremely violent, regularly beat the crap out of my mother and absolutely destroyed our once-lovely house.

Home was hell on earth and I was a terribly depressed, anxious child, until I got into high school. I loved hs and finally had my own life there.

I am learning about boundaries by watching my t set them for herself. In addition, she directly tells me how to establish boundaries and how to self-care. It's a slow process for me. I grew up having to put my mom's needs before my own, because she required special care. Unconsciously, I did the same thing for my daughter - I always allowed her to have her way, did not set appropriate boundaries for her in the way a parent should. I hovered over her because to me that was love, I kept her by my side for fear the world would hurt her...I guess I smothered her. That's in part why she now lives in NYC, to be entirely on her own.

My parents were of the opinion that I ''should'' learn ''life lessons'' through the ''School of Hard Knocks''. Ugh.

That is cruel.

They both had ''issues'' with boundaries, I believe both had clinically diagnosable NPD. They were not self aware (it was always, apparently, someone else who was Wrong and Bad, usually me )

A therapist did ''teach'' me about boundaries, but not in a positive sense.

I'm also wondering if I'm the only person here who seems to have been a magnet to Narcissists in the past?

I'm not clear about the difference between a narcissist and someone with NPD. I'm quite sure that my husband has many traits of narcissism, but he doesn't have NPD. I know I attract people who are looking for someone to take care of them unconditionally and they become outraged when I ask for my own needs to be met.I usually just don't ask, I retreat.


Sometimes I seem to share ''too little'' and sometimes ''too much''.... Of course that is a judgment though.

In my experience, you don't overshare, at all.

I find it more helpful to try to be AS IS, the complete opposite of my upbringing where I was supposed to be silent (then eventually blamed for it)

Yes!

I read a post by someone here asking if there is a support group for support groups I sometimes think that might be helpful And also support groups for those in therapy.. (deleted)

Umm-hmm, a support forum for a support forum and a therapist for being in therapy...

Peace,
Fuzzy

Comfort,
Beth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~