Sick of myself, I think?

Teachnbipolar1991 · Oct 30, 2022, 02:29 PM

Learning that I am bipolar about 8 months ago has really changed my life. Both positively and negatively. It has helped me understand my limits and control my triggers and made me more self-aware in general. However, the setbacks in my life make it hard not to try and blame bipolar disorder on. I’m excelling at work but literally all of my relationships are deteriorating around me. I can feel relationships crumbling and me losing the people I love most in my life but I don’t know how to reverse it or stop. I feel like I’m stuck and I’m sad. Even in what I’m excelling in (work) I am filled with negative feelings and a longing to maybe even change careers. But if I lose everyone I love around me, plus my job, already my kids, about to be my boyfriend, how am I supposed to stay strong enough to continue moving forward? I have no motivation and I feel like a failure even tho everyone around me would say I’m not if asked. But I truly feel like one. I’m bipolar (medicated with mood stabilizer), depression and anxiety meds, and I smoke vape (tobacco) and weed everyday. Both my siblings are addicts of some kind ( weed edibles&or/opioids) and mother is unmedicated bipolar. Dad has major depression issues as well but is on and off medication. Parents are very supportive of me, I’m just sad.

*Beth* · Oct 30, 2022, 11:57 PM

Hi Teach, Welcome to the forum

Well, I know what sad feels like, that's for sure.

Do you feel like medication is helping you?

Tart Cherry Jam · Oct 31, 2022, 12:14 AM

You have a whole lot going on and it does not sound as if the med mix were perfected atm. In this situation, your desire to maybe change your career should be taken with a grain of salt, with some self-doubt. Work IS now where you excel. Keep it for the moment until you figure out other pieces of thr puzzle. I am afraid that if you change careers now, it will further destabilize you.

Soupe du jour · Oct 31, 2022, 05:05 AM

Welcome, Teachnbipolar1991!

It's extremely normal and common to feel as you do when first diagnosed with a significant mental health condition, like bipolar disorder. Please remember, though, that it is an illness, not a flaw or fault in those who deal with it. It is sad how it's common for those around us to rally around/support one with a physical illness, yet be repelled, in ways, from those with mental health challenges. It's all about stigma. Yes, it sucks, but we shouldn't be the one to punish ourselves for it. Should people who are at the receiving end of racism, homophobia, or sexism blame themselves for what they are? Indeed, dealing with the struggles of being ill or different are only exacerbated when there is stigma or a negative "ism".

Note that you are NOT bipolar disorder and never will be. You are you and there's a hell of a lot more to you than an illness struggle.

I agree with Tart Cherry Jam not to rush into a career change when you say you are doing well with what you're doing. Many people with bipolar disorder can't even manage a job, let alone excel at one.

The main goal for us in finding wellness is stabilize our moods, find ways to help ensure they stay stable and learn skills to get back to stable when the illness is out of our control again. And it can flare up despite our best efforts! When it does, it is not usually our faults. Stuff happens in life that we don't ask for. And learning and mastering coping skills and tactics takes time. You are at the early part of your journey in learning skills. Again, we've all been there. I can say that the learning and practice I reference does help over time. Patience is also often needed.

Fuzzybear · Oct 31, 2022, 06:01 AM

Welcome to the forum, Teach

Teachnbipolar1991 · Nov 26, 2022, 04:07 AM

Thank you for your feedback. Given how my life is progressing (or rather regressing) with my loved ones, I’m inclined to side with you on the career change. I guess I just need to find another way outside of all of this to bring me happiness?

Beth, at times I feel like it’s helping me and at times I feel like maybe it does more harm than good? It’s hard to not think that way since all my relationships have gone downhill since diagnosis and starting meds. And that includes with both people who know about my diagnoses (very few like my boyfriend) and people who don’t know (ie my own kids and their dad, my ex) so I’m not sure what to think anymore. I just know I’m not happy here and it’s a bummer to feel that way but know that you have to act like you don’t all the time

Crazy Hitch · Nov 26, 2022, 10:29 PM

I’m sorry it sucks at the moment. I think my dad was undiagnosed bipolar. I’ve always said if you shake the family tree hard enough enough nuts will fall out lol.

Welcome to the forums.