Bipolar check-in #71

Thank you nammu I am unsure if I will ever know for sure, but I think you're right that if I ever had it I definitely worked hard to overcome it, or at least the really troublesome symptoms of it, I did do a lot of work over the years in therapy and on my own just to not act on impulses, and stuff like that, not act on every emotion. Nothing specific oriented towards BPD because I was never diagnosed with it that I know of, but I guess I either grew out of it if I ever did have it or all the work I did with therapy, CBT etc has really paid off. I did work really hard to reign in my reckless behavior. I haven't done any of that stuff in 10 years and have stayed out of the hospital since 2017. So I guess that's a good sign.

I am just starting to work on dealing with past trauma though these past two weeks, I guess that is why it's bringing up negative emotions inside. But I'm still not acting on any impulses or doing anything reckless.

I forgot to update about how Christmas went. My sister came over and we exchanged gifts. I got her a nice snowglobe from a local independent bookstore/gift shop, and I got my niece a necklace from her favorite band's merch store. I also gave her one of the pies I made to take home. She texted me yesterday and said it was really good, so I was very happy to hear that. She got me a $25 Fandango gift card which I used to purchase movie tickets for my friend and I to go see Avatar this Thursday evening, she also gave me a $25 UberEats gift card and a nice journal. It was nice having her over for a bit. She was really tired though so I was fine with her staying only a short time, she looked exhausted, she's been working really long shifts.

I forgot that I had an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow so I had to re-schedule my blood donation to January 11th

So I'm excited to go see the new Avatar movie with my friend on Thursday, we're also going to hang out on Sunday, play some games and order Chinese takeout to celebrate the New Year

I hope you all had/are having a good holiday season

The cats are doing well, they love their gifts, they've been playing a lot, pics I took of them today:

Ooo I want to see that movie, avatar too. I forgot all about it. I didn’t sleep last night so I’m not in shape to drive the 30 minutes to another town to see it tonight. Not on these roads yet, they are snow packed. Hopefully next Tuesday. Tuesdays are $5.50 all day! My car is pretty good on gas but still it’s a ways away. Then I need the soda and popcorn. So it adds up. But this is one movie I definitely think would be worth it to see in the theater.

Just an update -- the visit with my psychiatrist went well. He prescribed everything. picked up half my meds today, have to wait till tomorrow for the rest. It'll be fine I guess, at least they are ordered.

Ohhh 😮 that’s great news. Thanks for the update.

I agree with Nammu that the traditional characterization of BPD you may not fit, but I will open up to a story. She's very much true about the mimicking effects of PTSD as well. I was diagnosed with BPD this year and I was at first at odds with the diagnosis. I thought "I don't know..." but we went through the criteria and there are nuanced ways it can manifest and most people, with or without help, tend to get a bit more stable as they age. I will try to find a link to some examples of how it may manifest in a more quiet way, and less of a dramatic way. I had a really nice article a few years back -- just give me some time and I'll send you a PM. Either way, the fact you just are seeking help and just want the best treatment to deal with all your issues is courageous. Some people, like me, sometimes just submit to the idea that "I will suffer". Don't give into that mentality-- you deserve happiness and looking at these aspects that are a bit harder are very important. Keep your chin up.


P.S. BPD isn't a death sentence either -- It has a bad rep and stigma, but when you look into utilizing skills and learning coping mechanisms... you really can be in a better place.

The bentyl they gave me has helped a ton! No major flare
Ups in a few days. I see my dr again in january

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I’ll be your pocket rider

Thank you

Thank you, I appreciate your input. Yes I have definitely mellowed out as I got older. I'm 28 now and a lot better than I was when I was 12 to 22 years old. I still struggle though especially with the recent discussing of trauma, and I do want to get better, I'm doing whatever I can to improve my mental health, work on my problems and stay stable. BPD definitely does unfortunately have a very bad stigma but I also agree that it's not a death sentence, there are many people with it who work very hard to control and manage their symptoms get better and that is not easy, possibly including myself. If I have it I will accept it, I just want to work on the internal turmoil I've been dealing with from traumas growing up, the dissociation etc I have managed to work hard on stopping all the impulsive and reckless behavior. I just need to work on my mind/internal emotions now. Is the thing you're referring to called quiet BPD? Because I have heard of that

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I will bring everything up again in detail and ask her opinion

Thank you so much

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Brentus Just an update -- the visit with my psychiatrist went well. He prescribed everything. picked up half my meds today, have to wait till tomorrow for the rest. It'll be fine I guess, at least they are ordered.

***Yay!***

I think that's a excellent idea. Remember that the goal is to not let a label define you -- black and white only exists on paper. You are a very unique and varied individual. You are special and uniquely you. You have experiences and emotions, memories, senses, etc. that color everything you think and do. If you do end up with a diagnosis of it, don't let it be a "label" to define you, but just a guide to help you find the best treatments. It does sound like your CBT has really been good for you. DBT is something I work with, even if you don't get a diagnosis -- perhaps look into their set of skills. There are tons and I find them immensely helpful especially for emotional regulation, and communicating.


Everyone here knows how strong you are. You are an inspiration to me to delve into my own past and work on a better me. I too have a hard time addressing traumas and have shied away from it the last few sessions. I will see my therapist Friday. Maybe it's time I open up some things to her as well



and one last thing, and I promise I'll leave everyone alone. lol. You opening up with these things like this helps me to also feel comfortable to share a little more about myself. I've mentioned in the past I have hard time doing that in general, especially here. I hope you can find some help in what I said. I found a lot of hope and help in your messages, along with everyone else like Nammu, Soupe, Beth etc. Thanks everyone.

Thank you so much Brentus, that means a lot to me. And you’re really doing wonderful with sharing more here and I hope you will be able to share more with your therapist when you feel ready

Yes, I am just mostly curious about what my doctor thinks, rather than labeling myself as a disorder and letting it define me. I just am trying to make some sort of sense of my experiences, try to get the best treatment I can and work on my issues head on. Because I have done well getting more stable over the years but I still have a lot of unresolved issues. I’m terrified of conflict and avoid it at any cost, which is not a great way to live being afraid of everything and everyone. The dissociation, anxiety, moods, paranoia, afraid of being assertive, withdrawing into myself, isolating. All that internal stuff needs to be worked on finally

My therapist kind of does a mix of DBT and CBT, she’s not a specific trained DBT therapist , but I have been doing some stuff on my own with DBT workbooks and talking with her about it , mindfulness, emotional regulation stuff like that

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Your Christmas sounds like it was delightful @Blue_Bird

With regard to BPD, I may have missed some details, but if you're self-diagnosing (or considering the diagnosis), there's something I would take into consideration. A lot of typical teen behavior can look like BPD. Add a lot of typical teen behavior to teen behavior with PTSD and maybe that person has BPD, but maybe that person is a normal teen/young adult with a major case of PTSD.

So I'm glad you'll be discussing it with your pdoc.

I'm so glad you're here @Brentus You're really taking huge steps toward healing and growing.

Thank you for your input as well Beth, I will post tomorrow after my appointment with my psychiatrist and let you all know what she says, I’m really just mostly wondering what I should be focusing on in therapy. Like what type of therapy should my therapist and I be focused on. I feel like maybe she can give me an idea of what she feels would help me best considering whatever she feels my diagnosis is, should we be focusing on dbt, CBT, etc

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I’m doing really well currently. I made it through Christmas without too many tears over brother and although I missed him badly, I enjoyed the camaraderie of family and friends over Christmas.

I’m enjoying a quiet last week of 2022. I’ve been invited to dinner and a party for New Year’s Eve at a home in a gated community. Looking forward to ringing in the new year with friends.

There’s a Grief Support (Grief Share) group starting at my church January 11th and led by a retired therapist. Both of us will go. Got lots of activities and events lined up for January and February to keep busy and moving forward.

I hope everybody has a peaceful New Year’s Eve and Day and a wonderful beginning to 2023. Much love.

I'm still dealing with that fatigue stuff. I slept a long time last night and then I took a 45 minute nap late this morning. I just ate a 47 gram protein can of grilled chicken for dinner so I don't feel horrible right now. My mom went to the store and picked up some stuff. I got some Trix yogurt. If you have restricting disordered eating type behaviors, people could honestly care less what you eat just as long as you are actually eating enough. I never get harped on about the Lunchables or Koala shaped cookies I eat since they have "carbs" and some "protein" anyways I just lazed around today. I need to get fruit soon. Soon the sumo oranges will be out.

I had a dream last night where my aunt who died when I was 12 came to visit me. She sat on my bed and she wanted me to tell my mom something. When I woke up I didn't have my headphones in. My music was paused. My headphones weren't even plugged into my phone which is just strange. I was hesistant about telling my mom about this because my aunt wanted me to tell my mom she was sorry for being so mean to my mom. She never cared for my mom and was often pretty nasty. My mom believes these visits I have. I haven't had one in ages though and never from my aunt. I did finally decide to tell her and she believed me.

But yeah that was about it for today.

Hubby and I had a pleasant day on the beach. The weather was much nicer, mostly sunny for a good portion of the day. I really like the hotel Hubby found for us. Much more our style than most on the island, and reasonably quiet/private. The view is lovely.

I ate a delicious shrimp burrito for lunch. Clearly the real thing. It's almost 6:30 pm now, but we're not really hungry. Tomorrow I want to go to a highly recommended place for breakfast.

We stay on the island for a couple more days then drive inland on the Yucatan peninsula to visit a Mayan historic site at Chichén Itzá for a couple days. Then to another Mayan UNESCO site further south at Tulum, back along the coastline.

They both look mighty happy. Mustachio looks cozy and warm on whatever electronic equipment that is.

I don't have a pet right now, but had fun buying a Christmas toy for our friend's dog. I found a squeezy dog toy in the shape of a little piggy with a Santa cap. When you squeeze it it goes "Oink!" The doggy "Aida" loves it. Pet toys are so fun!

Yeah they both love taking turns laying on the Xbox since it’s warm when it’s on. Lol

That’s awesome! Pet toys are cool Mustachio has this wand toy that is basically string with a plush worm on it hanging off a stick thing with a handle and she likes that. She actually even drags it around herself sometimes and carry’s it up into the bed or wherever I am because she wants to play all the time lol

That beach is beautiful Soupe

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