self esteem

I've been sick for the past few days, almost no energy. I thought it might be withdrawals. It was very severe. I now think it was a tummy bug too (Papa bear has it now) I was in bed, with too much time to think. I tried to direct my thoughts to rainbows and teddy bears (I didn't have much success) I took seroquel for a couple of nights (no rash, so that is something ) I now have a refill for the benzos :-)

Does anyone else here feel as if they have low self esteem, and that part of that is being hated without cause? It gets so bad sometimes that it can tip me into an episode. So many people have loved to judge me, from being ''very passive'' and ''too needy'' (so therefore, apparently, ''people'' would be ''angry'' with me, according to one Expert) to being ''passive aggressive'' - to being an Attacking a hole. SURELY I can't be all those ugly things?

Others are allowed to gently and assertively assert their needs (or what the ''right'' thing to do is) but not fuzzy bear.

Also fuzzy bear is never allowed to make mistakes. And never never to change her mind or get angry.

Some of these judgmental A holes have been doctors. :-(

Maybe I come across as all those ''negative;'' different things in different moods states. Ugh.

Why do so many people love to judge? I genuinely do not get it.

Why do they enjoy trying to make others feel bad, to ''ruin'' their day?

Am I the only person here who has repeatedly experienced this?

Am I the ''terrible'' person the parental units repeatedly screamed at me that I was?

Oh yes, I was also told I am ''constantly'' looking for reassurance. Well... anyone who had been judged repeatedly by abusers since birth might sometimes need some sort of ''reassurance'' I would think. And I didn't think it was a crime, last time I checked

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells everywhere. I hate it. I once sent a (long term) friend (who had told me I was her ''best friend'' ) a message saying I was glad I didn't have to walk on eggshells with her. Her reply? She said how ''triggering'' I am. So yeah.. it makes me wonder

All the horrible people.. where do they all come from.

I appreciate you guys here who do not judge (not for stupid reasons anyway)

I don’t really have friends but I totally understand what you’re saying regarding other’s reaction to you. I know I have low self esteem and I don’t care anymore. Where I’ve seen it impact my life the most is in general self-hatred and like you said above not allowed to make a mistake.

An example: I can be totally unaware of emotions and react to things in a way that ‘normal people’ would find bizarre. I have that mistake aversion you mention. Frequently I find myself at work where I do something stupid and for some reason I say out loud “you stupid f@#$ing idiot” or “you piece of s@#$” only to find out afterwards that everyone is looking at me like I grew two heads. A colleague of mine who knew my diagnosis would take me a side and say that’s not normal, stop.

I hate it because if I don’t care, why should they. And I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells as are everyone who knows my diagnosis. I totally alienated my two best friends because I was in my first manic episode and no one had the guts to take me to the hospital for fear of my reaction and because where I lived at the time the treatment would have been really bad. I get a text a year from them now and my gut feeling is to eliminate everyone from my life just so I know I’m not a burden.

An example of eggshells. This is a possible trigger and I have no clue how to do that reveal thing in html, sorry. I’ll code it as best I can. This morning I handed over the keys to a thing that shoots copper jacketed lead to my wife. It was my secret insurance policy. I told her even though it scares me not to have that in my back pocket I felt better than in past weeks and could let it go. The reply? ”I knew about it but couldn’t do anything about it for fear of what the reaction would be.”

Fml

I am deeply sorry by the way others have treated you. you certainly don’t deserve that.

You deserve love and affection.
I wish you could leave the past

in the past that is unless it helps
you, it just seems like you are just
punishing your self and suffer so

greatly again and again.
I wish you could try to love yourself

for the beautiful woman that you are.

We treasure you here.
(((((HUGS)))))
love

Bizi

My self esteem is high.
My self worth is low.

I'm sorry you deserved better.

I don't know why I just now saw you post, Fuzzy Anyway, I'm glad I have seen it.

It makes me so sad that the units treated you with such disregard. Clearly you were born with a shining soul that continues to sparkle, no matter what.

I have wondered, since I was a child, why so many people have to judge and bully, why many like to be mean. I have never found an exact answer. I do have some ideas...a need for power over others? A need to be in control?

Whatever the case it all equals a need to be the special one...the one who is at the top...the most important one, and the one who has the most control over others. So...that "judgmental and mean" person most likely was raised by units who were abusive. Some of us who were raised by such units turn out rotten, some turn out good (because we don't want to continue those abusive patterns).

As for doctors, well, you know my experience, in general, with many of them (No, not all...but most, yes! They have HUGE egos and many times, not the knowledge to go with the ego.)

I absolutely feel I must walk on eggshells in life. I must always be a "nice girl." Don't get me wrong- I do care, I do enjoy being nice...but there are also times when I want to be heard, to assert my needs and to have those needs validated!

I have low self esteem due to other people jealousy who has more than me. People tell me all the time how I make them nervous. I do walk on eggshells especially around my niece.