[MuddyBoots]

Yesterday instead of going into work I took an ambulance ride to the hospital after some serious self harm. This is eerily similar to when I worked a few years back and instead of going into work one day

Possible trigger:

I attempted suicide.

Last time I tried to work I got manic and tried hitchhiking to Albany, NY but ended up crying in the road slamming my head against a building because I couldn't fulfill God's mission to save them from the terrorists without a ride.
Am I ever going to be able to work? Should I try and push through it? I'm already only working part time, and it's not like the work itself is stressful, but going is.
I've only been working there a week and a half.

[*Beth*]

Boots, I'm genuinely honored that you would turn to us for help with this problem. Initially, I was very concerned about you starting the job. As you know, working retail during the holiday season is so stressful. You're working hard on remaining stable (and doing such a great job lately, aside from self-harm, which seems to come from the stress of the job). I'm worried about the effect of you continuing with the job. If I was voting in a poll? I would vote:

"Yes. Quit the job. You've done amazingly well by applying and interviewing, which is enough at this time."

[*Beth*]

I know others have something to say...

[Nammu]

You mentioned that it’s part time and not hard. If you are just part time I’d say keep it for the little bit of structure that it gives you.

[MuddyBoots]

That's the thing, I feel like I have even less structure because some days I work 9am-2pm and some days 3pm-8pm so my med schedule and my sleeping schedule (which were very strict before) are off. Some days I don't even take all my meds because I spend my entire break trying to pee and I forget to bring my bag to the bathroom with me.

[Nammu]

Oh in that case, it’s not adding structure. It might be best to look for something that had set hours. Not good to be switching meds around or forgetting them.

[*Beth*]

Boots...you're telling us that the job is not working out. Please don't damage yourself and allow your real structure, the one you're working so hard to maintain, to collapse. Right now isn't the time for a job. I really feel and believe that for you.

[MuddyBoots]

I talked to my case manager about it today and she said I should stick with it for at least a couple months. That I'll get used to it. That it's good for my (financial) independence and I'll have something to be proud of.
She's right about everything (except maybe the getting used to it part. I worked a job for 5 months straight that I had done previously and I never "got used" to it and that's when I made the attempt).

[Nammu]

Good points. Can you maybe get a cute Fanny pack and put your meds in there? Then you would always have them with you to take on time.

[MuddyBoots]

That's a good idea, but I can't exactly stop working (it's busy) to pop a valium and a haldol.

[Nammu]

You’d have it with you when you ran to the bathroom.

[unaluna]

Did you tell your case manager about your other post? I agree with beth. You need to take a safer route.

[divine1966]

Normally I’d never advise people to quit their jobs but in your case I think you should. This job isn’t the right fit. It causes you too many problems. Its too much

I’d say if you do want to work for retail, try TJX company (Marshall, Sierra, Homegoods, TJ Max). You could work strictly in stock or merchandising, not around customers. Also they are known (speak from experience) for providing specific hours. If you say you can only work M-W only 10 to 2, that’s what you’ll work. You need structure. But I’d probably wait for Christmas season to be over and try again in January. Not now

[Victoria'smom]

Boots, You did awesome with interviewing and getting the job. If you have to work then you need more support or training in a less public facing job from vocational rehab if in the US. If your okay with food, shelter, utilities and transportation without the job. I say it's not worth it. If things are tight look for public assistance options. Some of us can't work but that says nothing about our value as human beings.

big hugs

[*Beth*]

Yep, I stand by what I've said. Social workers have a thing about telling people to work or volunteer or whatever because that's. Never mind. I stand by what I said and I really do have your best interest in mind and I feel that I truly understand where you're at.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Nammu

You’d have it with you when you ran to the bathroom.

Other than our 11 minute break (which is whenever) there is literally no time to go to the bathroom on days like today.
---
I talked to my social worker just now and she just doesn't get it. She thinks it's all anxiety keeping me from wanting to go in and do it. It's not. It's the fact that I keep screwing up, I GOT FCCKING ROBBED, that there's a lot to be learned but no I'm just at the register all ****ing day mindlessly scanning things on registers that barely work... etcetera etcetera.

But I do need something to do so I'm not constantly binging and purging, using substances, and self harming (although I am using the 6 hours that are dedicated to work as an excuse to restrict, like I probably won't have anything to eat until 8pm tonight). It really is a low stress job when I think about it the right way, it's just not as good as my ride operator job and I keep comparing the two, and I miss yelling at people to sit down and put their phones away

[Teachnbipolar1991]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

That's a good idea, but I can't exactly stop working (it's busy) to pop a valium and a haldol.

I teach 5th grade and my meds don’t interfere with my job necessarily but but my nicotine and weed dependency does at times. During those times I get thru it by having one person at work (at least) who I can ask for coverage. I mean I make sure I buy this person coffee every week, always smile and be nice to them typa bond. Then I have someone I can depend on to cover me for a couple minutes to run to the back and “pee” super quick. Especially if you start drinking more water at work they will see you’re going to need it. Idk what your job is but this is just what works for me so I can keep my patience in check enough to deal with todays youth

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

That's the thing, I feel like I have even less structure because some days I work 9am-2pm and some days 3pm-8pm so my med schedule and my sleeping schedule (which were very strict before) are off. Some days I don't even take all my meds because I spend my entire break trying to pee and I forget to bring my bag to the bathroom with me.

Hi MuddyBoots. I'm sorry to read that you became so ill as to harm to yourself. That is really serious! I truly think you need to discuss the value (or lack thereof) of working, at this time, with your psychiatrist, too. Or a friend or family member you think may actually understand.

I quoted your particular post above because you make excellent points about needing a stable routine. This has been crucial for my well-being these many years. Forgetting medications, eating or sleeping, or even going to the bathroom, at varying times CAN make life more difficult and make us prone to episodes. Routine matters. Perhaps you could manage some other job that allows you to have such a routine? Something to really think about.

You're far from the only one whose done desperate things to "escape" a complex situation, or expectations. I've my own stories. It shouldn't have to reach those points. Letting it go that far can bring traumatic events that make recovery that much harder.

If your social worker truly doesn't "get it", she may or may not ever. Have you contacted your psychiatrist? Also, 11 minute breaks only (to include going to the bathroom) are inhumane. Now living in Europe and knowing what workers here get, it reinforces that notion 100 fold.

[*Beth*]

I actually agree with Soupe. She has made excellent points.

Having worked several jobs, one of them for 15 years, in which I was responsible for watching a till, a huge aspect of the position is being sure I didn't get ripped off. Which MEANS I couldn't trust
A N Y O N E to watch my drawer. No co-worker, no supervisor. No one except the owner herself. People get into desperate situations for whatever reason and the money is there and they will take it. 11 minutes is way too short of a break, too short of a time to pee and take meds too, but it's plenty of time for someone to steal from a till.

Your social worker, like so many social workers, just isn't getting it, Boots. I assume they've never been in the same situation.

[*Beth*]

Welcome to the forum @Teachnbipolar1991

[Discombobulated]

I think you’ve had pretty good advice from everyone here and I can’t really add much.

I just want to say that what some people class as low stress (routine mundane) jobs aren’t necessarily low stress for everyone, it would depend on the person.

Actually I personally find cashier work stressful, that’s why I work shop floor. That has stresses too of course, but they are stresses I can cope with.

And I personally would hate my shifts changing too, that would stress me - hands up, we’re not all flexible and versatile, but it doesn’t mean there’s not something better out there for you. I believe there is something more suitable for you where you won’t feel like you’re screwing up because you’re stressed out.

I agree with others about your social worker, I’m not getting vibes they are looking at what’s best for you here. Hugs.

[MuddyBoots]

I've asked for my hours to be cut down to 10/week, effective two weeks from now. Will I make it those two weeks? I'll find out. But today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I screwed up a couple times but my till was as it should be when I left. Trainee manager had to leave though because during her break she got ran over.

I'm working until 9pm tomorrow. Guess that means two days without food if I can make it until 4 without b/p.

[bizi]

If you wear a small fanny pack you keep a meal bar replacement or a granola bar. I was thinking of something substantial and your meds. I like that idea.
I think it is doable.Stores are all looking for workers. bil quite his job he hated and went to work at walmarat where he got to make his own hours. My sister did the same thing. She hangs clothes up and organizes t-shirts by size, works by herself and takes off to go to her daughters house in north carolina they live in Indy, she recently flew out there to baby sit when her daughter and her fiance flew to europe for a 10 vacation. Her husband went as well.
They are older folks 60's and are free to work when they want to work.
I could never do a cashiers job or mcdonalds too stressful.
keep us posted good for you for telling them you need fewer hours.
good for you.
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

Bring core shakes they don't taste the best (cold hot chocolate is the best way to describe) but it's filled with protein. It's a meal replacement that can be drank fast if need be.

[Aurelius710]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

That's the thing, I feel like I have even less structure because some days I work 9am-2pm and some days 3pm-8pm so my med schedule and my sleeping schedule (which were very strict before) are off. Some days I don't even take all my meds because I spend my entire break trying to pee and I forget to bring my bag to the bathroom with me.

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I've asked for my hours to be cut down to 10/week, effective two weeks from now. Will I make it those two weeks? I'll find out. But today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I screwed up a couple times but my till was as it should be when I left. Trainee manager had to leave though because during her break she got ran over.

I'm working until 9pm tomorrow. Guess that means two days without food if I can make it until 4 without b/p.

Is the trainee manager all right? Relatively speaking, I mean? That's not a small incident!

When I was going to school and/or working "flexible" hours, I set what I called totems through the day to look forward to. Stuff that, barring a major life event, wouldn't change. It didn't have to be fancy. For instance, one semester I set aside an hour after class but before work to get a coffee, do a sudoku puzzle and read a spy novel. Or I'd look up new releases at the movie theater and plan some movie nights a month or so in advance.

For me, those totems gave a small sense of structure, a milestone to look forward to when everything else was in flux.