[Blackholesun9]

Hi all,

I’ve just come across this site, as I’ve really been looking for some good talk therapy, but everyone I’ve seen recently keeps coming up short.

Currently, I’m 4 months postpartum with my first child. Things have been going surprisingly well… but lately I’ve noticed my PTSD is flaring up and the anxiety is starting to keep me up again at night. I can’t let this get out of control again.

Prior to giving birth, I had been living in a major depressive episode since April 2020. I was no longer working, had too much anxiety to drive, and was barely able to get out of bed following my first manic episode, which resulted in 2 hospitalizations totaling 24 days in February 2020.

Much of that time is foggy, which I’m actually quite thankful for, but some of that period often creeps into my mind without warning. What I’m looking to do at this time, is to alleviate as many triggers as I can from my life. Mostly, what I’m referring to is old photos/videos/social media posts.

The problem with this is that the catalog is EXTENSIVE.

During my mania, I had just recently been assaulted and became extremely paranoid as I was living alone and the person knew where I lived and was involved in gang relations. I ended up finding solace in social media and actually felt safer constantly posting my thoughts and whereabouts. In my mind, I felt like this kept the rest of the world updated on my safety and if something were to happen, people would know something was wrong very quickly.

Luckily for me, Instagram completely deleted my account so I was able to wipe those traces, but Facebook I have still yet to tackle. Also, my photos and videos during that time are by the thousands.

I’m at a bit of a standstill and would like some advice/input.

I want to do a thorough audit of my Facebook and my phone. I want to get rid of these extremely triggering reminders. Where I’m struggling is how to go about doing it.

Some things could be a simple photo of a landscape and no one would think twice about it, but to me it’s linked to a horrible situation. Others, are long, in depth manic video rants/screenshots of my loved ones pleading for me to get help, etc.

The goal is to cut out as many triggers as possible. I know cutting everything isn’t even plausible, because the episode went on for months and I can’t fully erase my life, but I’d like to finally delete the things attached to extreme trauma.

Being that I have a newborn, I want to go about this in the cleanest way possible. I don’t know if I should take one day and just feel the emotions and get it over with or whether I should do it gradually. I’m also terrified of any after shock.

Also, I can’t avoid seeing the photos and reading the posts in order to know what needs to be gone…. But there’s so many videos. Do I watch them before I delete them? Part of me feels like if I’m going to do all this work I should get some final clarity that I may find in my words during that time.

I just don’t know.

Please let me know you thoughts/personal experiences. I just want to talk this through and make some progress in moving forward for my daughter and my overall well-being.

[MuddyBoots]

Hi and and warm welcome to the forums!
Is it possible to delete your facebook and do a fresh restart if you want? I had to delete mine a few years back but I never got back on it (and no regrets).
As for the photos and videos that's a personal decision. Personally I'd probably delete as much as possible and then when I'm worn out take a break and restart when I'm up for it.
I'm sorry you had a manic episode. I hope your future is much kinder to you

[Blackholesun9]

Thank you! I really appreciate it.

I’ve considered deleting Facebook, but I use it so regularly that I think I’d be more upset to lose everything from the last 15 years, rather than to just go back to that brief time in my life and wipe it. Plus, I have so much of what I had on Facebook in screenshots on my phone that I will have to endure it regardless. I did, however, put a restriction on the ‘memory’ feature so that it will no longer trigger me during the timeframe of my episode.

I’ll never be able to completely rid myself of that time, but I’d just like to take the steps to erase the most jarring things that take my breath away and disrupt my current peace.

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Hi and and warm welcome to the forums!
Is it possible to delete your facebook and do a fresh restart if you want? I had to delete mine a few years back but I never got back on it (and no regrets).
As for the photos and videos that's a personal decision. Personally I'd probably delete as much as possible and then when I'm worn out take a break and restart when I'm up for it.
I'm sorry you had a manic episode. I hope your future is much kinder to you

[Soupe du jour]

@Blackholesun9, welcome to the forum and congrats on your new baby! I'm sorry to have only now seen your thread.

I hope you're still around. Please let us know. There are others here who are also happy to lend support. They need to be lassoed from the check-in thread or see your thread late, as I did.

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, but did experience some trauma from past episodes. Some episodes are fuzzy in my mind, too, and I'm also glad for that...I think. Others really made recovery hard, but I've mostly prevailed. It's a long story. I'm in a much better place now than I was, and some of that trauma now seems like a chapter in a fictional story. The pages long since turned.

Regarding cleaning up some past stuff, if you can't get to it all, maybe just what you see in more recent weeks. Then, don't look further back...at least for a while. Please be in the present for yourself and your new baby. The other stuff need not matter as much. Let some be your past chapters, that you've turned the pages away from.

[Blackholesun9]

Thank you for your warm welcome. I plan to continue use of this resource, because I haven’t had much luck with support/talk therapy and I haven’t researched my bipolar diagnosis very much… it’s all just very hard to process.

As for the deletion of those triggering posts/photos/videos, I think I’m just going to slowly rid myself of a little bit at a time on days when I’m feeling very emotionally grounded and strong.

My stability as a mommy is my top priority and I’m trying to stay as strong as I can for her. I’m okay with the process taking a while (I mean it’s coming up on 3 years since my episode) it’s just important to me that when she gets to an age of curiosity in my phone or online that as much of that trauma is in the past as possible and not easily accessible.

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@Blackholesun9, welcome to the forum and congrats on your new baby! I'm sorry to have only now seen your thread.

I hope you're still around. Please let us know. There are others here who are also happy to lend support. They need to be lassoed from the check-in thread or see your thread late, as I did.

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, but did experience some trauma from past episodes. Some episodes are fuzzy in my mind, too, and I'm also glad for that...I think. Others really made recovery hard, but I've mostly prevailed. It's a long story. I'm in a much better place now than I was, and some of that trauma now seems like a chapter in a fictional story. The pages long since turned.

Regarding cleaning up some past stuff, if you can't get to it all, maybe just what you see in more recent weeks. Then, don't look further back...at least for a while. Please be in the present for yourself and your new baby. The other stuff need not matter as much. Let some be your past chapters, that you've turned the pages away from.