Bipolar Check-in #74

BeyondtheRainbow

I'm so sad that I made a mistake. My Call the Midwife friends will know what a big deal it is that today the new season FINALLY started in the US. I waited all day. I knew it wasn't going to be the best because I still can't focus very well and I couldn't make myself watch the end of last season as a reminder so it wasn't going to be the best but it still would be my favorite show. I forgot until 7:59 which I thought would be ok but somehow my channels aren't loaded on my TV (I rarely watch TV) and the time it took to load it meant I missed too much of the show to bother. So now I have to either find some other way to see it (I think my Mom has something else with access) or wait until the fall.

My depression is slightly better but still has so far to go. I can't wait to remember things and do things on time. I hoped it would be much better by now. Just getting my increased Emsam dose wasn't all it took.


Oh well. Something will work. And I'll see my show eventually. It's not like a TV show is the end of the world.

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD.
Clozapine 350 mg, Emsam 9 mg, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1500 mg & 100-400 mg PRN, 1.5 mg clonazepam

Aurelius710

Did a number to one of my teeth today. Split it in two essentially. Pilling on the pain meds trying to see what will do the trick until morning. The after hours emergency dentist wanted $500 cash to pull the tooth. As much as it quite literally pains me, I demurred.

So long as I can get some pain-free sleep, I'm at the dentist first thing in the morning. Fingers crossed!

__________________
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
-Litany Against Fear (Dune)

~Christina

Aww hun I’m so sorry ECT isn’t really turning things around

I wish I had some magic words. I’m here if you need a shoulder

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~

~Christina

It’s always some kind crap we can’t manage isnt it !! But it’s okay to be upset about. I have a free shows that I get really upset if I miss them.

Hope you can watch somehow.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~

~Christina

I’m so sorry that happened. The cost of dental anything is Ridiculous!!!

Hope the pain is manageable

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~

*Beth*

__________________

Rosi700

I had an appointment with my mother at almost 95 today. We were going to shop new cloth to both of us and share a meal afterward.

Sorry to say, the pain in my body was too strong. I had to cancel our appointment because I was afraid that the "flu like" pain is a real flu. I didn't want to be the one who gave her some sickness. After all she is very old ...

I feel sad today, not only for having to cancel our appointment, but because I have started to wonder about what this really is. May be a flu, but what if it is Fibromyalgia? I have pain even beneath my feet. I don't think I can take more ...

__________________
There is always hope ...

Crazy Hitch

4 days left until my big move!

I went for the final inspection yesterday and it still looks as fabulous as the first day I saw it. You can tell they’ve done a great job cleaning. Only problem is my chihuahua can definitely fit through the front gate. We’re going to have to buy some bricks for there this weekend because he won’t be able to knock them over.

Today I plan on packing the rest of the stuff in my son’s room. I’ve cleaned out most of his room but I didn’t move his bed or his chest of drawers and they will definitely have toys under them.

I did absolutely no packing yesterday. I was just sooo exhausted. My son fell asleep at 3pm on my bed with my iPad. I tried to catch up on some 💤 then but I didn’t fall asleep. It’s 2:44am now and I know I won’t fall back asleep.

I see my T tonight! I’m really excited to see her. I haven’t seen her for a year and a half. She just got too expensive at $200 a session and I don’t get any of that back. But I decided to bite the bullet. Next time I “see” her will be online like the good old days of covid lockdown because I would have moved and she’ll be an hour away from my place.

I really wanted to see my pdoc this week but he’s on leave and then he’s fully booked next week. I’ll have to go over my Easter break. Will have been 3 months since I’ve seen him by then.

Nammu

Made aqua fitness this morning despite having very little sleep. Oh I say, I just finally fell into deep sleep when the alarm went off. Heh everyone I talked to this morning was feeling guilty because they didn’t go last week. It was just too cold. It’s supposed to be warming up and everyone not just me is fed up with the cold.

This afternoon I have my nails. Then I gotta stop by the pet store and see if they have super high calorie cat food Sir might eat. He’s still losing weight despite his bloodwork being good. He looks good though and his coat is in excellent shape.

__________________
Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann

Mountaindewed

I'm just going to give in and see my kidney doctor sooner then May. These symptoms arent getting any better and my left side hurts along with the nausea and hesistancy and all that. My doctor mentioned the possibilty of wanting to do a kidney biopsy one time which has me freaked out after my thyroid one last summer.

I truly feel for people who find lithium and tout it as their miracle drug and can find a sense of normalcy after struggling all their lives. Then soon their mental health and their kidneys gets ****ed up again. It never did anything for me and I made the transistion to Lamictal very smoothly.

I tried switching therapy to remote and she was like "thats totally ok and if you want to rest today, I can do zoom tommorow." Yeah, I know I'm her first client so if she doesn't see me today that gives her a huge chunk of the day off. But I'm struggling making the walk to the bathroom I am not up to a session anyways so I said yeah tommorow would be fine. But idk. I found it to be kinda manipulative. If thats the right word.

Anyways I plan on calling my doctor today to see what he has open.

I heard people are going to build a human moat along Mar-A-Largo tommorow. Lol

__________________
I still need love cause I'm just a man

I was assigned female at birth. My pronouns are he/him. It's not ok to ask me what's in my pants.

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Sometimes I feel like that, when not depressed or anything. I just feel like I have to focus on what I can control in my life and if that happens it happens. I can’t control everything in the world. I also sometimes feel like I wouldn’t mind if it happened because life feels like too much sometimes, even though I’m not technically depressed right now sometimes it would feel nice the idea of it all stopping; just oblivion.

Yes, I understand that and also feel that way. I believe that a good part of it is how hard it is to carry the burden of cptsd and whatever mental illness we may have. I very clearly remember that when I turned twenty I thought, I feel as if I have lived 80 years already and now I can retire. It was a disturbing feeling...sort-of...but mostly, just fact.

__________________

ronkuby

saw my psychiatrist for the first time today. she is going to start me with abilify to go with my current lexapro and we will see what happens. anyone have experience with abilify? any side effects i should be on the lookout for?

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronkuby saw my psychiatrist for the first time today. she is going to start me with abilify to go with my current lexapro and we will see what happens. anyone have experience with abilify? any side effects i should be on the lookout for?

Many people find Abilify very helpful. My experience with it was that it caused a miserable sensation of akathesia. So it wasn't for me.

__________________

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rosi700 Of course we hope for the best for MuddyBoots! Take care, Beth!

Thank you, sweetie. I very well understand how nearly every malady is attributed to MI. So frustrating - and very, very few MD's understand psych med side effects.

I'm deeply concerned about Boots. I've lost two online friends and two IRL friends to sui and Boots' absence troubles me greatly.

__________________

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I'm so sad that I made a mistake. My Call the Midwife friends will know what a big deal it is that today the new season FINALLY started in the US. I waited all day. ...

~~~~~~~~

__________________

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rosi700 I had an appointment with my mother at almost 95 today. We were going to shop new cloth to both of us and share a meal afterward. Sorry to say, the pain in my body was too strong. I had to cancel our appointment because I was afraid that the "flu like" pain is a real flu. I didn't want to be the one who gave her some sickness. After all she is very old ... I feel sad today, not only for having to cancel our appointment, but because I have started to wonder about what this really is. May be a flu, but what if it is Fibromyalgia? I have pain even beneath my feet. I don't think I can take more ...

Oh, Rosi. I'm so, so sorry.

__________________

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu ...super high calorie cat food Sir might eat. He’s still losing weight despite his bloodwork being good. He looks good though and his coat is in excellent shape.

Feed him wet kitten food as a supplement to his regular diet. Also kitten milk. Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on his wet food.

__________________

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samicat Sorry for an "academic" reply as I'm new to the forum - but this is a really interesting topic to me as I'm 54 and I've noticed that some people actually seem to get more empathetic with age while others get less. I feel like I became a more angry person when I hit menopause a few years ago, but since that has passed it's a bit better. Recently I've been reading about ancient stoic philosophy (not what the world "stoic" has come to mean). Part of the philosophy involves never reacting in anger but pausing, processing your emotions and responding (as opposed to reacting) when you are calm, for instance the next day. Modern stoics advise processing your fear and anger by writing in a journal. I only mention it because I feel like it has really helped me manage my emotions and understand that reacting in anger is never okay, even if the anger is "justified." This means a lot to me as I have felt so enraged at times and it's so easy to get triggered by stuff in the media or online. Unfortunately many things (including the Internet algorithm which is motivated by getting and keeping our attention) have learned to manipulate us with our negative emotions. It's more important than ever to behave with kindness and empathy.

I have made a very conscious effort not to become bitter and judgmental as I age. It would be the easy way out. But I've seen too many women in my life who do, and it's a sad thing - for others, but especially for themselves. Retaining love, wonder, awe, and the joy of an open mind & heart is essential to me.

Empathy is a strange thing...it seems we are either born with it, or not.

Stoicism- interesting that you brought that up. It's a philosophy that is so similar to the practice of mindfulness.

Thank you, Sami.

__________________

BeyondtheRainbow

@*Beth* Remember that Boots said that if she was to be sent back to the state hospital she'd be kept in the ER for a month before being transferred. I assume that's what has happened and hopefully she'll make her way through the system soon. What a long time to wait.....

__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD.
Clozapine 350 mg, Emsam 9 mg, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1500 mg & 100-400 mg PRN, 1.5 mg clonazepam

*Beth*

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow @*Beth* Remember that Boots said that if she was to be sent back to the state hospital she'd be kept in the ER for a month before being transferred. I assume that's what has happened and hopefully she'll make her way through the system soon. What a long time to wait.....

Oh, wow...I didn't know that. Poor thing. My heart hurts for her. From what I know of state hospitals, they don't sound like restful or pleasant places, just places that prevent self harm of whatever kind. I hope she is keeping up on her poetry writing, I enjoyed her book so much. I hold out hope that she will be here again one day.

I wonder if she does end up in the state hospital, if they'll allow her internet access?

__________________