Bipolar Check-In #78

I see my t in five minutes.
Dare
I be honest with him about showering and why im avoiding it?!

Just sitting here thinking about how my daughter didn’t even text me back merry Christmas

Pnurse and primary doc are playing phone tag with each other. Still doing fine without an antipsychotic.

Started my period today- two days early. (So glad the catheter is out.). That’s eight months in a row after going over a year without one.

That's not a lot. If you start to feel bad, just take one. Are you going off for any reason?

No. I was just trying it out. But I think I was having some withdrawels. I had really bad constipation yesterday and today and now I am having non stop diarrhea. I also threw up a bit a couple hours ago. I googled it and something called benzo belly came up. Which is gastro issues related to benzo withdrawel. I have quite a bit of them.

I did take one 15 minutes ago and things are starting to calm down.

My mom told me I shouldn't go off any of my meds if theres no need to.

I had my biopsy this morning. It went well. The radiologist told me she thinks that the calcifications were benign, I assume from looking at them. She had a heavy accent and some of what she said was hard to understand. I managed to get into position and hold it as long as I needed to and they were really efficient. It only took 30 minutes and it was scheduled for 90 minutes which is more consistent with prior experiences.


My back did not like the 2.5 hour each way ride. I took a couple pillows so I could adjust my position and that helped but I'm pretty sore now.

My doctor is out of town but his partner prescribed me a muscle relaxer and PT. My mom is going into town in the morning for the muscle relaxer. I hope it helps without knocking me out. I don't have much experience with them. By some miracle the pharmacy has already filled it. I'm hoping that means things are operating more smoothly there. I'm hoping PT won't start until next week to give me time to get the pain under control a bit. Right now it's better after hours of heat and ice and a vicodin but it doesn't take much to bring the bad pain back.

We're having Christmas scheduling issues for Christmas part 2. We have to do 2 separate celebrations and my brother's work schedule is not working well for getting #2 together. Hopefully soon.


Now I just have to figure out how to sleep with severe pain and a bra on. It's supposed to be on for 24 hours. Normally I'm ok with that but with everything else right now it's a lot. Oh well. I'm very tired so hopefully I'll fall asleep and ignore it.

I closed the curtains and indulged my depression in the daytime today, laying around and eating junk. I'm not too happy with myself. But i'm grateful that i don't have anyone to answer to, and can wallow at will. This evening has gone better, with several high-scoring Scrabble games. It makes me feel better to do something i'm good at.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

I hope your recovery goes well and that you're as comfortable as possible. You're a real champ for enduring your biopsy with such bravery! Glad the procedure was briefer than you expected. I was also told 90 minutes for a needle breast biopsy i had, but the actual surgical procedure was only about five minutes. I asked the staff to change the pre-op literature because 90 minutes is pretty scary.

My t says he wants me to be very frank with my Pdoc about Satan and being afraid and feeling bugs crawling on me. It’ll be my last time getting to see him since he’s leaving the practice. Idk that this 1.5 mg of vraylar is helping st all. I know in the past latuda was a good drug for my depression and it’s available in generic. I may mention that it was helpful to me and see how he feels. I haven’t self harmed but my mind is at war wanting to some days . My t says that I need to tell myself it is no longer an option for me as it’s been 3 1/2 years since I have done it.

That's a good idea. Yeah. Benzo withdrawal is a nightmare.

Wide awake even after taking my meds AND melatonin. I don't know if this is a spiritual warfare or just an episode coming on. God grant me rest.

I believe in spiritual warfare. Satan has been attacking me. Especially Christmas Eve when I was getting ready for church. I felt bugs crawling on me!

My t says I’m unwell and it’s manifesting in thoughts about Satan. He doesn’t believe in God though.

I do believe I’m
Being attacked as I see stuff and feel weird things

So after all the meal prep for keto Ive decided it’s not for me. I’ve signed up to lite n easy. 1200 calories per day. Let’s see how I get on.

This valium withdrawel is no joke. I woke up because I had diarrhea in my sleep. I was wearing $8 basketball shorts so no big deal, but it got on my comforter and everything. I took care of it and I took 3 pepto bismol tablets. Then a few minutes ago I took my AM Geodon and a valium with a Belvita biscuit and I feel decent now.

But yeah. Not gonna mess with my valium again.

I totally understand! Benzo withdrawal is no joke.

I’m sending peaceful vibes to all who are suffering. @HALLIEBETH87I truly hope you can get this under control because you’ve done SO well for the past few years and I hate to see it being derailed. Please try to trust your therapist and doctor. You’re a great person and you don’t deserve this! I hope they can find something helpful soon.

My holiday was nice, went to my grandma’s for Christmas Eve and it was just her and my mom (and us of course) so no drama at all. Perfect. Then my in laws from my first husband’s side came on Christmas morning, and then we went to RS’s parents house for lunch/dinner. It was so relaxed! I loved it compared to christmases past where there’s tension and bad feelings floating around when my family gets together.

I didn’t hear from my brother which is what I expected. But I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I texted him just to make sure my present made it to him and he said he was so sorry but he was “so overwhelmed” he hadn’t had a chance to check his email. It made me realize he’s probably mentally ill just like the rest of us, suffering from anxiety and depression. I kind of think he’s like our mom. He’s fully relying on his spouse to support him and take care of everything. And she doesn’t like us (maybe she likes me, she used to). So why would she make an effort for us or encourage my brother to do so? I honestly just feel bad for him now and I hope he eventually gets the help he needs. Maybe we’ll see him again, who knows. But I hope he just works on being present for his kids more than our mom I was present for us and if that’s all he can handle, that’s what’s important.

I’m mad that I have to get another ECT treatment tomorrow. I do hate them so. I hate that it’s necessary for me. Makes me feel like a real loser. I’m going to try to space it out to four weeks this time. It is winter so I might not make it but I’m going to try. I just wish I could get by without them, not that it’s really that big a deal I just think it’s pathetic for me to need FIVE medications AND still need maintenance ECT.

@wildflowerchild25

Don't feel bad about needing ECT and meds. We need what we need to remain mentally well. It just is what it is. You're definitely NOT a loser! Don't say that.

Oh. Wanted to add. I can sorta relate to the situation you have with your brother. It's kind of like that with my sister and I. We were very close growing up, grew apart, and now she doesn't even bother returning my texts! It's terrible. I try not to feel bad, but it's hard. I know she's struggling with anxiety and depression though. And she's into drugs and alcohol and partying still and never settled down, so we have nothing in common, but I still miss her.

I woke up at 7:00. It’s a bloody miracle! Now to decide what’s on the agenda for today.

You know, I really wish the pharmacy wouldn't have given me a THREE MONTH SUPPLY of seroquel last month. You can't give someone who abuses a substance a FULL TO THE BRIM bottle of pills! I'm going to run out early. If I really let myself go I could have the rest of that bottle gone within a week. I'm going to have to start rationing soon.

My Christmas was weird. Odd weather (51F out), tired and sick, cranky, just overall strange feeling. Not so great. It was nice seeing family though of course.

Overall this winter has just been odd weather wise! Like, it's raining outside right now. In December. I'm not complaining. I don't mind the warmer weather. It's just messing with me!

Finally
Home
From
Work.

I’m making sausage balls for my teenage nephew.

Still spending most of my day sleeping in bed.. I'm trying to motivate myself to at least play video games or something, but not a whole lot of luck. My concentration is weak too. Not much I can do right now anyway.

My biopsy was negative!

When you first have an abnormal mammogram you usually go 2 years with some combination of mammograms and ultrasounds every 6 months (I don't remember if you have both or alternate now.) My first abnormal mammogram was in 2019. My first abnormal mammogram that was concerning enough to send me to a breast center was in 2020. I was sent to the high risk breast center in 2022 and told I'd have an MRI every year and a mammogram every year, alternating every 6 months after I had normal results on both. And now it is 4 days from 2024 and I finally am on annual mammograms and annual MRIs and no ultrasounds! Finally! I feel so relieved.

I took the muscle relaxant and feel high. I don't like this feeling. I could sleep it off but it could really mess up my night. So hopefully it either wears off some soon or I can take my meds a bit early.

I start PT next Thursday. Ugh, just realized that's just in time to have to pay my deductible right at the same time I have to pay for my biopsy which was not cheap. Oh well. I need the PT and I needed the biopsy.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

Congratulations on the good news! Yay BeyondTheRainbow!

@Brentus:

I'm spending too much time in bed too. And then lying on the sofa. It's a hard time of year.

I ordered groceries and went for a night walk. It's not much, but it's something. I've been very irritable today. I can't settle down to any of my hobbies and i quit ZOOM support group. Maybe i'll feel better now that i've had some fresh air and exercise.

Got my a
Lab results. My liver levels are so high. They keep going up each time and it scares me.

Ugh. Almost Saturday. Feeling the pressure. Still no flash fiction ideas! Running out of time again! I wish my unconscious would THROW ME A BONE here. I spend 80% of my time sleeping and usually dreaming, but so far this week ZERO inspiring dreams. SO frustrating. Getting frantic!