Bipolar Check-In #78

My daughter stopped by after a doctor appointment here in town. My cat really really loved my granddaughter. He’s always hidden from kids. But her he couldn’t get enough of. Following her around the apartment. Was great to see. He felt so good he ate an extra bowl of broth.

I feel so dead and detached yet easily
Irritated.

I wanna just be alone

My VR thing is pretty cool. My sisters family gave me a pretty big gift card so I got some good games. I got one called Wander. It like transports you pretty much anywhere in the world. Its like Google Earth but you are inside it. I checked out my house. Then I checked out my old house. Then I walked around Disney Land for a bit. My mom used it to look at her childhood home. But I was just sitting on my bed the whole time while using it.

I then used the VR glasses to go on a roller coaster. That will take some getting used to.

I bought a mountain climbing game and one called Beat Sabers. I am trying out a 14 day trial for a workout game called Supernatural. They advertise it on TV. If I like it I have a enough money left on my gift card to pay for a few months of it. I heard someone lost 70 pounds playing Supernatural.

Besides that I'm ok. I'm kind of tired and a bit off but nothing new this time of year. I seem to crash immediatly after Christmas each year.

@Moose72

I'm happy you got the catheter out, can pee on your own and your doctor said it's good you didn't start the new AP. I hope your psych nurse gets back to you soon!

Why oh why won’t this ******** go away?it
Feels like
I’ll
Be depressed forever. I know that’s unlikely but that’s how I feel. I try to be happy on the outside. I see Pdoc on Jan 3. T is tomorrow.
He will just say all my fears about Satan are
Not real which makes me feel
Upset

I don't feel I need to go to the hospital but one of my biggest fears right now is that, by the time I see my pdoc next week and manage to find a med that both works and doesn't make me to sick to handle, it's going to get to that point. This has me stressed out for so many reasons, some being:

-I've already missed two months of work for my physical health. I need to get back to work and can't imagine how everything would play out if I had to take off for mental health reasons
immediately having to for physical health ones.
-I think people (possibly even doctors) would assume all my physical symptoms are all a result of my mental health (which is clearly not the case).
-You don't hear many people say good things about staying in a psych ward.
-My cover would be blown. I already regret sharing with the few people I have about my mental health-I don't need more people to know...

I keep hurting my back. If I move wrong (and wrong chases for no reason) then I wind up in pain with muscle spasms in my back so severe I can't stand up. Mostly it's been when I was turning but it just happened when I bent forward to open the toilet lid.

I have an email in to my family dr asking for PT and maybe a muscle relaxer. I don't know if I can have any muscle relaxers with my other meds. I hope he'll get back to me tomorrow and I get home from my biopsy early enough I can go pester the pharmacy into filling it. (To be fair the last scripts that were sent from the dr's office were filled quickly but that's nearly a first around here lately). I had to admit to using some of the vicodin I'm given for severe migraines to help with this. I Hope that doesn't make him mad. He has changed with me. It used to be I could tell he really liked me. Now not so much. But I think he also is just really busy. Fortunately he is great about sending in scripts for me.


And as mentioned, tomorrow is my biopsy. I tried crawling onto my bed face down and getting into the position I'll have to hold tomorrow. It didn't hurt. Hopefully I can make it through the whole thing without any pain.


And there's a chance my car will be fixed tomorrow. I hope so. I miss it. I hit the deer 6 weeks ago and haven't been able to drive it since.

Hope everyone has had a good day of discovery from Christmas, if you celebrate. I still have one more to go so I'll relax after that. Last I knew we didn't even know when that was yet. Crazy family stuff......

I want a redo of Christmas. Victoria ditched us after a couple of hours. Then did the same today. I cooked cookies and hot chocolate for breakfast. H cooked beef tenderloin for dinner. If it's not about D&D she doesn't want to hear it. She no longer wants to go outside. Even her Drs are pushing her to go out. I'm concerned. Me I'm getting out of bed when h sleeps so not to wake him but pretty much bed bound. I'm cold, tired, grumpy. I might get the new sims depends on how fast we can catch up on bills. I have a list a mile long that I want to get Victoria. Not that she's doing what she's supposed to but IDK. Kids got it hard or am I just enabling IDK?

I had a good day. I got garbage and recycling done. I'm really pleased, i've been procrastinating something fierce. I got out for a walk and it was as mild as a Fall day with weak sun struggling through the cloud cover. This evening an extra support group was held online and it was so quiet i participated a few times and feel so much better for it. It was good to talk and good to get support.

@Nammu did you get to see the CtM Christmas show?

Yes I did. I watched it twice in a row it was so good. I posted on here in the late afternoon then got to watch great TV! I can’t wait for the regular season to begin.

@Nammu I think it was the best Christmas episode ever. The regular season usually starts about February right? I remember my mom convincing me I should watch it with her last year when I was so depressed.

I think so. My daughter and her family bought me a Roku for Christmas so I’m hoping I won’t miss it. If I can’t get any PBS stations I won’t keep it, as PBS is the best. I’m glad your mom talked you into watch this, isn’t the greatest. I do miss chummy though.

I really miss Barbara and Tom. That was a lovely storyline. I very rarely cry but I cried when that line ended (not saying what in case of spoiling it for someone). Chummy was great. So was Sister Evangalina. It's funny, both my mom and I agree that it was better after the character based on the real one left.

PBS may be free. I'm not sure. I thought it was but then when I was going to try to get it on my computer it was a $60 donation. So I don't know if it was because of the computer or what. It seems like I used to be able to get PBS on my TV.

Yeah, I’m wondering too. I used to be able to watch missed episodes of first run PBS shows online when I missed one, but last time I tried they wanted a $60 “donation “ too. Understand that they run on donations but 🙄

Well, it's 6:30 AM and I've been up since 4:50. I didn't get to sleep until after 1. I'm going to be exhausted later.

I just can't sleep more. I'm anxious about my biopsy and my back really hurts. It seems like every time I get into a comfortable position that position starts to hurt and I have to shift around and that hurts more. I have so much respect for those of you with chronic back pain. I had no idea it was like this.

I'm worried my family dr is going to be mad at me for using vicodin for pain instead of just for migraines as it's prescribed. I think he'll be ok but he has a right to be upset.

I'm also annoyed with myself because I was going to splurge and get any prescription from RiteAid where they aren't backed up and stay open later than 6. I forgot and CVS is my pharmacy on record. So if he prescribes anything (Please God, let him prescribe something) I'll have to to go to town, stand in line to request they fill it immediately, wait for them to fill it and get home. Hopefully before they close at 6 tonight, meaning everything goes smoothly with my biopsy and I get home when we expect. I'll want a nap by then but will need the pills more.

I'm just anxious about everything. Because it's the end of the week and Monday is a holiday I'm expecting to wait nearly a week for results. That's a long time to have to wait.

Hope everyone has a good day!

Managed to get my fat *** in the shower. I am pleased!

I’m trying to hard to. Wake up for a dr appt. Gonna be a looooong day!!!

Sleep is becoming an issue even though I have my CPAP machine. I am getting concerned because I know that lack of sleep leads to episodes.

Had a hard time washing my husband's clothes last night because I am going to send him some at the hospital where he is. This is really tough and affecting my sleep.

I feel haunted.

I can’t even fake a smile today . It’s too hard

I woke up feeling like crap. Just stomach stuff. My mom and I went out and I was having an issue with pain. Then she gave me 2, I assume Advil, and the stuff worked so well and fast. After that I got all my errands done without any issue and my pain is still fine.

My anxiety has been fine today. I didn't notice if any stores were crowded. I haven't had any valium yet and I think its been more than 24 hours since my last one. My moods are ok too.

Basically everything was fine once I took the Advil.

I think starting Lose It! Has helped a lot with my mental health. I had some weird dream though that involved me being sent to an ED treatment center in Memphis. Idk. It was weird. I was at a Hampton Inn too making Easy Mac and coffee.

I been seeing weird
Stuff. I
Was
Sitting in a parking lot and swore I saw a beekeeper
Walking around. Mind you I’m in a
Big city…

Is it bad to go down on valium so suddenly? I am prescribed 3 a day. Yesterday I only took 2. Today I've just taken 1. I feel ok. I'm just not hungry mainly. Anxiety wise I'm fine.

My experience with benzo withdrawal is that it's delayed. Diazepam is long lasting. You probably wouldn't feel any withdrawal effects yet. How much are you prescribed?

5mil 3x a day.