Bipolar Check-in #80

Feeling really good this morning! Got five hours of sleep, which is good for me. Had a chill day yesterday, just listening to my audiobook so I can approve it for final production. So excited 😊. Chose the perfect narrator for Ava. Just have a couple minor edits I want her to do so far, so all is good.

I was getting all hot and bothered yesterday, you know, thinking about Husband, and then I saw our neighbor who likes to walk around in his boxers and under boob shirts. He is NASTY. Old, flabby, lots of facial hair, only one tooth, has kind of a lurching walk, drinks a lot of beer, looks like a gnome... Dried me right up. I guess the answer to my hypersexual problem is to think about HIM. Lol. Actually, I'm laying in bed right now, next to sleeping half naked husband and have a mini clitoral erection. Does he REALLY have to be so... APPEALING?! Ugh! I can't stand it!!! 😒 Sorry for the rated R tmi guys.

I was gonna say my hypersexuality has decreased... but it really hasn't. All I can think about are certain male parts and putting them in my mouth!

Again. Sorry!

Had the strangest dreams last night. Definitely inserting in novel worthy!

After puking all night I weighed myself this morning and I had lost 5 pounds. Idk. I look it though. I ordered some toothpaste, vitmain D, body wash and fruit from Walmart. Then half an hour ago I went to Walgreens where I got a different kind of melatonin called Olly. My old kind seemed to have stopped working. I had enough money left on my insurance spendable card so I saved $15. I feel ok right now

I got an iced matcha from the coffee shop and my stomach hurts and I swear this lady who works there puts something in my drink. I don't go there often but every time I do go and shes there I get a bad stomach ache.

My mom has an upset stomach from the sip of my drink she took.

My room smells awful. Or else I'm just throwing up out of my nose again. But my floor is sticky.

I thought I'd start here instead or the new user thread.

I was diagnosed with BP1 in 2002. I've only had one manic episode and have been taking lamicatal and then combined with lithium. I also take Abilify (2mg baby dose). The Abilify was to level out some chronic anxiety,

My main deal is I was diagnosed with ADD years ago which made sense with emotional regulation that bites me in the *** sometimes. I

t's really hard second guessing my mental wellness while sometimes masking at work and for sure at home. Sometimes it feels like I am waking through 3 feet of water (I stole that from a video I saw).

Husband once described his chronic anxiety to me like trying to walk through waist deep, muddy water. Your description of feeling like you're walking through three feet of water made me think of that. That's not how my personal experience feels.... (for me my anxiety feels like this constant cloud of dread is hanging over my head and shadowing everything in darkness. Terrible feeling) but everyone is different.

Anyway, welcome to the forum! We're all very nice here (all ten of us. Lol).

Welcome @PHewson !

Have you ever tried medication for your ADHD? They have to be careful to not send your mood up but it sounds like that's been fairly stable for a while. I think some of the newer ADHD meds are considered safer with bipolar. I know we've had people on here before on meds for both and some have said it really makes a difference.

@PHewson - Welcome!

So I had to go shopping for a bunch of new clothes since I gained 50 pounds in the past year. Everything has become too small so I went to the Big and Tall store and found a bunch of nice shirts and pants. I prefer to dress semi-formal most of the time, which bothers my family because they say I don't look relaxed, but I'm comfortable.

The clothes I bought have nice prints and there are short and long sleeved shirts. I'm glad I found pants that are long enough.

My anxiety is still way up, but the Klonopin is helping more today - about 70%. I still think of worst-case scenarios for almost everything and feel a sense of impending doom. The depression is still the same, so the Rexulti isn't doing much yet, but I'm only on day 2 on 2mg (up from 1mg).

@Scooter9

I've gained like fifty pounds in the last year too. Boohoo!

Welcome @PHewson!
I have ADHD-like symptoms too. Whether it's actual ADHD or a manifestation of trauma my treatment team and I are uncertain of though. I do find wee bits of stimulants helpful as long as I don't overdo them (but last year this time I was shooting meth so... that's a slippery slope for me since docs won't give me a script so it's street stuff for me, and I might as well get my money's worth). But I do not recommend the stims if you're still struggling majorly with anxiety.

That's awesome that your BP hasn't been much of an issue for a bit though! Sounds like your med regime is working beautifully.

Welcome @PHewson!

I can relate to the anxiety, but I experience it differently than you do - it's more like a feeling that something awful is going to happen soon. I also had just one manic episode, brought on by meds, so now I'm unspecified bipolar, but my main problem is depression and anxiety. I've been in a depressed episode since 2017 when I had to suddenly stop Lamictal.

Today I called my mom. I'm going to try and reconcile things. More for my benefit honestly. I want my money, my mail, and my car (I mean technically the title is under her name, but I kissed an engineer's a*s for a discount and paid for it, and paid for anything going into it). She's pretty easy to manipulate. When you're her emotional and physical slave for long enough, she will do the basics like not light your shyt on fire, but when you can't keep that up, she's happy to kick you out now that you're a burden for not being trusted to get your meds after sleeping 10 hours in the prior week and taking her up on her offer to pick them up as she passes the pharmacy on her way home.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being selfish and should just let her keep my mail, do whatever she wants with money that's supposed to go towards my expenses (while I'm in over $50,000 in medical debt for three months of treatment that they want me to go through again for the same disease because it didn't work), and let a car I paid for and kept up with sit in her yard while I walk up to 15 miles a day should I want to go to therapy, go to the library, and get food in the same day.

I started writing again too. Just journaling. More like thoughts that pop up that are fccking hilarious but also incredibly sick, offensive, or both. Thanks creepy, bigoted old men that were in my life from before I could walk until the day I found out my dad died!!

I have this weird ulcer or bump or hemmroid thing. Idk. But it bleeds. I also barfed up 2 scoops of stew that I had for dinner and now I'm back to not being able to keep water down. I swear my eyes look like Pete Davidsons but that could just be from lack of sleep from this same dumb nightmare about the colonoscopy. That is in September. I've had similar dreams before about medical procedures, but now its actually coming true and idk really how to handle it. I sent an email over to my therapist.

But my laundry is done. All 10 or so medium black Goodfellow shirts and 3 or 4 pairs of blue Levis

I'm in a lot of pain. Can you pull a muscle throwing up?

Welcome @PHewson! I hope you like our little thread here. Everyone is so nice and welcoming. Hopefully we will get to see your updates on how you are doing and things as the days progress. We would love to see your posts!

Me, well, I'm just a cluster*uck of emotions. There are things about my boyfriend's living situation that aren't ideal and keeping us apart that is starting to show its ugly head. I guess reality has just set in and I am feeling overly emotional about it. I am having a lot of thoughts about my ex, especially since my birthday is next week and his is 6 days after mine. I am feeling strongly about it because we used to always celebrate together, and my anxiety is starting to skyrocket.

I don't know, I am going to church tomorrow, and I am just going to pray. I keep forgetting to allow God into my heart and help me through all these emotions. It's just so hard to reach for a higher power when you're so deep in your feelings. I have everything to be happy about, but I am just finding more and more ways to drown in sorrow. I hate this. Maybe men like my ex are just what I deserve.

@Mountaindewed Yes, you can pull a muscle vomiting. That's a sign you need to call your GI and push a bit for answers.


Have you ever had a colonoscopy? It's really worse than it sounds. Depending on your doctor either you drink a lot of gatorade mixed with miralax (I'd beg for that way) or drink a gallon of a solution over everal hours or sometimes it's something different but similar. You go in the next morning and they put in an IV, give you enough sedation you don't remember the procedure and the next thing you know you are in recovery. I think it only takes a few minutes for them to do the procedure. It's not like full anesthesia which is much harder to handle. They told me to go get pancakes. McDonalds had been serving all day breakfast and when we went there and they no longer had pancakes I was SOOOO disappointed. I'm not sure I've gotten my pancakes yet and my colonoscopy was 5 years ago.

Welcome @PHewson!!

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Wednesday, I started taking the birth control meds. I've had a few side effects-upset stomach, dizziness-but that's to be expected. The upset stomach wasn't so bad today. It is contributing to my depression symptoms though. It's actually been quite a strange experience-it's almost like I had a mini rapid cycle episode within the usual monthly bipolar symptoms I get. And, now I'm in the depressive crash part of the mini cycle. My emotions, in general, are a little more all over the place as my body adjusts-this is also kind of weird for me because, when stable, my emotions don't fluctuate much.

I might message the prescribing doctor on Monday to see when I can expect these depression symptoms to let up, if they do for me. I know it takes time to get used to meds, I just don't want to suffer longer than is necessary or accidentally wait longer than I should and then the symptoms get really bad.

Planning a romantic getaway for Husband and I in September, something RELAXING 😌, something that will relieve his stress a little bit, so no Madison or Milwaukee trips. Planning on Bailey's Harbor in Door County and going hiking at a local nature sanctuary. Husband LOVES nature and hiking. I LOATHE nature and hiking. But this sanctuary has boardwalks and easy trails and beautiful views and in September the leaves will just be starting to change color. Good for me because the trails are easy and good for him because he loves nature. It's also free to explore.

I'm just looking into hotels right now. Want to find us something nice. Something where we can drink pink champagne and have adult fun time and I can feed him strawberries and give him beers and make him writhe with pleasure!!! Oh I'm so excited!

Going to the store later today to buy him an I-love-you card. ❤️ He likes those. He's so depressed and stressed right now. I want to do my best to make him happy. 😊 I would get him a rose 🌹 but the cats would eat it.

Last night I woke up sometime between 12 and 3 in a ton of pain. But I was also really sleepy. Maybe from the new melatonin. I took my AM meds and some tylenol and dramamine and a Prilosec and got back to sleep. It did feel like a pulled muscle along with nausea.

This morning I felt better. I just threw up an iced matcha half an hour ago. The room was spinning a bit afterwards. But I feel ok now.

Mood wise I'm slightly down but anxiety wise I'm ok. I thought the matcha would boost my moods.

Can you get different bottles of the same meds but with different side effects. I swear my new bottle of Topamax is working better then the last. Like I got a different generic or something

@Mountaindewed

Regarding your topamax question and different generics.... YES! I remember, a long time ago, when I was switched to a different generic of Lamictal. Whew! Really got me going and NOT in a good way. Asked the pharmacy to get me my old generic back and they did and I immediately felt much better after taking my old generic. The pharmacist told me the med is the same, it's just the fillers and mechanisms of action that can be different.

Yeah its like all I want to eat now is fruit and canned vegetables for some reason. I remember asking my pdoc about it years ago and he denied it but they always deny that sort of stuff.

Walked to the store and bought Husband his card. ❤️ Instead of buying him a flower I picked a pretty wild flower on the way home and pressed it on the inside of the card after I was done writing in it. He's going to be SO happy. 😊 Plan on picking up the apartment now. Also bought some more caffeine pills...ha, like I need those! Whatever. And some coke zero, which I already drank. I got about two and a half hours of sleep last night.

Psychiatrist will be back in the office on Wednesday though, so I should get a call on what he thinks we should do. I don't know though. I feel fine. I'm just ALL about Husband right now. He has vacation the week of the 4th. We're going on a trip out of town. Hotel has an indoor and outdoor waterpark. Daughter will be so happy! 😊 I'm personally not squeezing my fat *** into a swimming suit, but Husband is going swimming with her. Then we're seeing fireworks.

And Husband and I are going to have a romantic date night when we get back. So excited!

Tornado warning!!!

Going for a walk. It's not in this part of the county, but maybe on a hill I could see some activity in the cell.

My anxiety is still way up. I used the toilet 5 times today due to stomach cramping.

I did manage to buy a new pair of Sketchers, the slip on kind that I like so much. I also got another pair of jeans. I wanted Levi's but they didn't fit so I went with another brand, they still look good though.

My depression continues to be an issue, but that's not new. Maybe if the anxiety goes down, the depression will follow. Day 3 of increased Rexulti. I'm gonna stop counting the days. If it works I'll know it.

I'm going on a cruise to Alaska next week. Hopefully see some whales, glaciers, and other wildlife. Getting stocked up on meds but it's only a 7 day cruise. The longest I have been on so far is 4 days in the Caribbean. Packing lots of warm clothes and rain gear.

@MuddyBoots

Be careful!

@Scooter9

Tmi, but I so relate to the anxiety diarrhea. I hope your anxiety decreases with the rexulti increase! Have fun on your trip.

I still don't think my med changes (decreasing Emsam 3 days/week and lowering my 11 pm gabapentin from 500 mg to 400 mg) is working all that well. My head noise is back. I still have some periods of silence but the noise is there a lot. I also feel more anxious and irritable. I really want to be on less meds but I think if I'm going to keep the gabapentin low I'm going to have to increase my Seroquel to 75 mg which I really do not want to do. I don't want to start the sliperry slope of increasing Seroquel doses again. I know I can't take it as monotherapy as it stopped working completely after being on it for several years (which clozaril doesn't seem to do). Tonight I feel antsy. I got stung by a hornet 2 days ago and it's itchy and generally uncomfortable. I've been taking Benadryl which helps some but scares me because when they gave it to me in the hospital it made me incredibly agitated. That may be partly why I'm irritable although I have felt sleepy, not agitated on the Benadryl and am just being cautious.

I see my pdoc in a week so hopefully she'll know what to do to fix all this. We have to lower something or next winter I'll just wind up on even more than I'm taking.

@raspberrytorte I've heard wonderful things about Door County! I used to live in WI, but never made it despite growing up there. I hope you have a nice trip!



I had my first volunteer shift at the small dog rescue shelter. I got to hang out with one of the dogs for a bit and spent some time working on laundry. The dog was completely ignoring my presence until I gave him a couple of treats; then, he wanted me to pet him!

I've had a some paranoia again these past few days-I had a little bit of rapid cycling again today too (this might have been caffeine induced though) I see my pdoc tomorrow so that's good timing. Since it's not clear if I should have a risperidone increase long term, I might ask him if I can schedule an appointment in two weeks (instead of four) so I can keep playing with things a little bit to see what works best. I just don't want him to fill a month, or more, supply of it only for me to need an different dose and have an unnecessary stockpile of the incorrect dose.