Bipolar Check-in #80

No horrible classes on my timetable today. I should be happier yet I don’t even feel a sigh of relief at the break. I’m still anxious. Yesterday they weren’t overly bad but I did tell them that the assistant principal would be dropping by. Which he did.

My son is supposed to have footy training tonight but I absolutely hate it. I haven’t even reminded him and he hasn’t said anything about it just keeping quiet and seeing if he will remember. He’s 5 and doesn’t quite understand the rules and never ever listens to instructions from the coach for the drills so I’m continually having to explain to him what’s going on!

I’ve been sleeping good and doing well since my meds were adjusted for the manic symptoms.

I feel like I’m starting to get sick though. I feel a sore throat starting. So that sucks. I hope it’s just allergies. I feel fine otherwise , just tired all the time but that’s due to my abilify and Thorazine being increased.

I walked to the library today. Also got on the treadmill for 30 min. I normally do 45 min but I figured since I was walking to the library 30 min on the treadmill is okay.

I’ve been learning how to play Fur Elise on ukulele. And I’ve been working on Vivaldis concerto in A Minor on my violin. My next violin lesson is on the 3rd. Normally I have lessons once a week but it was getting kind of expensive so I started spacing them out some.

I quit drinking coffee about a week ago. I kind of tapered off that and onto matcha but after what’s left of the matcha I have is gone I’m just gonna be caffeine free. Another reason I stopped coffee is due to the acidity being bad for tooth enamel. I don’t need more dental issues. I might have a coffee now and again like on holidays or special occasions etc but it will just be for those times and not an all day everyday thing like I was doing for years. And I’m not gonna keep it in the house. I’m craving it like crazy though and I miss it so much lol I have to stick to this though.

Next step is to cut out sweets. Which is not gonna be easy but I need to do it. I’ll do the same thing I’m doing with coffee so not even buying them or having them in the house unless it’s a special occasion or holiday and only single serving.

I’m making homemade hashbrowns for dinner tonight so I’m looking forward to that 🙂

We saw two apartments today. From now on one apartment a day. I liked the apartments but they have an affordable housing wait-list. So we're stuck here until our names come up. Victoria is looking for a job to get a place. If we do get a place we have to give up the car. I don't know how I feel about that. Since I can't walk through 2 apartments tours without horrible pain. I'm not feeling as depressed though. Disappointed but not depressed.

Just in a really good place. My new relationship is as amazing as ever, as most new relationships are. Not really thinking about the future or anything at all, just enjoying things as they are.

The sleeping thing has been really bad though. Just have been sleeping just a few hours a night, even using my CPAP. I think that's just the excitement of being so happy, moreso than I have in a long time. Also, I will be saying goodbye to the Lithium very soon, which I am glad about.

Other than that, things are going really well. My writing class is coming along, I am learning more about how I am going to write my book. Went to Raleigh yesterday and I feel like I did a million things, but it felt good to meet with people. Heading in to work tomorrow at our new store; I'm really excited about that.

You still worrying about mania? A couple things that would be my warning signs stand out to me in your post like "not really thinking about the future...just enjoying things as they are," (not really a bad thing, but I know my lack of thinking about a future causes a lot of problems for me) and the lack of sleep while also being excited and happy, and feeling "like I did a million things." I'm not saying you're manic, but it is a good time to question if totally stopping a mood stabilizer is a good idea right now and if some things are a little different from your base state, watching for elevation maybe checking in with a provider to get their opinion. I'm glad things seem to be going well. I just don't want to see anything happen to you (anybody on this board really)

How did you move to MA from another state? Do you have section 8 and had to stay where you were for a period of time before moving? Or is it public housing? Afforadable housing? Is there even a difference (I remember applying to section 8 and public housing separately)?

I am so lost on this stuff, and I feel totally trapped in NH, and the waitlists here are super long. We barely spend any tax money on public welfare, which is great if you don't need it and don't want to pay for people that do.

Today I've been throwing up quite a bit and I've been in pain again. Although now I'm not eating much because of my med increases. Its almost 4 and I've only had about 855 calories. I used to eat more then that for breakfast.

I ordered a bunch of different kinds of protein bars from Walmart. They should be here in a bit. I've taken everything I can for my stomach. I do feel a bit better after my Geodons. I think I threw up yesterdays along with the pizza I had for dinner.

Overall I mainly am just tired today. My moods are good. I'm not in the major freak out type of pain I was in for awhile, so I think the probiotic is still helping. Or else I've just gotten used to the pain.

I threw up again but I'm not sure if it was my Geodons or just my Prime hydration water.

I did quit the zzquil and unisom officially so I know its not that. I've just been taking my 10mg Walgreens brand melatonin.

Is anyone else dealing with messed up deliverys and pharmacys? My pharmacy has been so annoying to deal with these past 24 hours and now one thing in my Walmart order is missing which I got refunded for and another thing they charged me twice for that had to be shipped.

I’m supposed to be the one drunk dialing or drunk texting other people trying to hook up. Not this someone else sending me these stupid voice messages through text crying about how much they love me and wouldn’t know what to do without me. This isn’t even my partner (that I haven’t talked to in forever). It’s some fking chick I met in rehab.

Ugh, I fell for a phishing scam this morning and have spent the evening changing all my relevant passwords. I honestly no longer remember what passwords go with what now. I'm sure I'll figure it out but it is really stressful. Hopefully I blocked them out of my phone before they found my credit card information. So far there are no unauthorized charges on my card. I'll be watching closely.


I can't believe I fell for it. Not very smart when I first wake up.

Ugh. SO nauseous 🤢 At my last appointment my psychiatrist lowered my Cymbalta dose from 60mg to 30mg. Going to the store tomorrow to buy dramamine and either ginger tea or gin-gins. I feel like I'm pregnant all over again (I'm not). Just terrible. I'm so sick feeling. If I still am on Tuesday I'm calling my psychiatrist. I don't know what he can do. I wish I still had the zofran I had left over from after my hernia surgery.

I can't even get any chores done! All I can do is lay in bed in nausea and excruciating pain. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow. Just a matter of time. Cymbalta = EVIL. I certainly don't want to go back on 60mg!

I've also been averaging 2 - 3 hours of sleep per night, which isn't good. But I read sleeplessness is a symptom of Cymbalta withdrawal as well.

Fudge. Another night of only two hours of sleep. Bought my ginger tea and dramamine, which I doubt will help because I don't have motion sickness, but at this point I'm willing to try anything!

Editing raspberry coming in:

And the dramamine is actually helping! Yippie! I feel a lot less nauseous. Yay for dramamine. It kind of sucks it costs two dollars for only eight tablets, but oh well. I'm just happy to finally not feel like spewing!

I felt really anxious this morning and then I realized I haven't had coffee in a few days. So I thought maybe it was caffeine withdrawels. So I got a medium blueberry donut iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. And it has helped the majorjty of my anxiety but now I'm throwing up a lot. I just threw up my probiotc, my pantropaloze, and my second valium. Along with the coffee.

I haven't had much to eat today. Just a protein bar and an Atkins chocolate bar. Overall I feel the same as I was before the med changes. Just not hungry. But I'm guessing it takes more then 2 days to see a difference.

Idk if I'm lazy, not hungry, not feeling good, or restricting a bit but I can't get myself to eat anything and I've only had 740 calories.

@raspberrytorte - Are you getting that little sleep even with taking Seroquel?

I had a good morning. I vaccuumed for the first time in months and also am washing the bedding on the master bed. If I'm up to it, I want to wash my daughter's bedding tomorrow. I am definitely feeling a lot better on the Cymbalta, not manic but getting some housework done. I am making sure not to overdo it. I am very thankful I don't have that crushing desire/want to be dead and haven't had it for a couple of days now. That alone is a huge relief. I am still sleeping 8-9 hr a night. I know if my sleep goes, then I have to ditch the Cymbalta, but so far so good. As an added plus, Cymbalta seems to take the edge off the peripheral neuropathy so that I don't feel it so deeply. I still have more tingling and numbness than I'd like, but it doesn't hit me down to my very core with each beat of my heart and each step I take walking.

Today has already been so unhealthy. I've had nothing to drink except coffee, ate a slice of pizza which eventually got flushed down the toilet, and I am definitely back to dehydration and probably whacked electrolytes too. The time before the last time I saw my CM I said I was seriously going to get my shyt together and make good, healthy choices. I went a total of a day of not making any poor decisions and even made some small good decisions (that were kinda just the absence of bad decisions I'd normally make).

I feel like I'm doing okay though. Not sure if it's denial or just my standards for my personal mental health are so low that shyt is good compared to the rest of the time.

Put an ad on Craigslist for music lessons. I don't even have access to a guitar right now (or a keyboard for that matter). I have a plan though. Kind of afraid of having some income, but not enough to pay for rent or anything, but having enough to pay for binge food and whatever substances.

I'm so thankful for everyone who posts here. I'm also sad that there are so many previously regular posters who no longer post. I'm not going to list people because I'd be sure to miss someone but there are a lot of people who have disappeared in the last 6 months or so. If you are reading this know you are missed.

@Blueberrybook

Yes. With taking my seroquel.

Man am I in some severe pain right now. I've tried everything I can. All my stomach meds and OTC meds and psych meds and an extra valium.

This is bad. I keep puking up bile. I don't have a fever so I guess its not an ER thing.

I guess I just wait it out once again

@Mountaindewed - When do you see the GI again? Surely that much vomiting just isn't normal. I see a GI because I had a perforated ulcer & surgery for it a few years back, and my doc would freak if I were throwing up that much.

@Blueberrybook I go for a gastric emptying scan on June 4th. Then I see another GI at a different hospital on June 14th for a rotated right side intestine. They called it a malrotation or something. Basically my intestines are all on my left side. My first GI office said it wasn't an issue but I wasn't throwing up so much back then.

I do also have a small hyatial hernia that showed up on an endoscopy a year ago but they said it wasnt a problem.

So the plan is Victoria gets a job. She saves for a year if she's able to get an able account. We continue to look for a place. She gets on the waiting list for income based apartments. In that time H gets to know gf. 2 years in they look for a condo. 3 years in we offer them moving in here if they haven't found anything. So we have at least a year. I know in reality it'll only be a couple of months but my anxiety is less.

I am sorry I have not posted much.
still here just reading and not posting much.
bizi

I didn't mean to make anyone feel guilty! Just an observation that time has changed. Again. And it will again and again and again. And frankly I LOATHE change ..

I miss some regulars also.
bizi

I wrote the letter/text to my mom, but haven't sent it, and am not sure if I'm going to send it or not. I think it would break her heart. I don't want to make her feel bad. And it would seriously piss her off. My plan was to send it, then block her number so I couldn't see the response (...I already know what the response will be. Something a long the lines of me being ungrateful and selfish, and I can't handle a guilt trip like that right now). So I don't know. 😞 I want to completely cease communication and contact with her... but I don't want to make her feel bad!!!!

UGH! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO NICE!

@raspberrytorte I know you were struggling to write the letter-I hope it helped!

My physical health has been kicking my but the last few days. I was able to sleep a lot last night, so that helped somewhat today. My autonomic test is Wednesday! I'm worried about not being able to take my risperidone for the two days before the test. When I had to do this for my dizziness test, things went fine. But, since I just had to take my PRN for a few days and I have noticed some paranoia today, I'm worried about what will happen. I don't have to stop taking my lamotrigine this time, so that's good.

To those who have a three day weekend, I hope it's exactly what you need it to be!