Bipolar Check-in #80

Ugh!!!! Fukk!!! It's summer vacation, which means no school, which means our daughter has a later bedtime and my husband said he has to practice his bass tonight. I'm never getting any!!!! It's been since WEDNESDAY MORNING now. I'm going out of my mind.

I saw this second counselor I'm starting to see for CBT type stuff for the second time today. She also laughed when I told her about how, if my irritability gets to a point when I'm tempted to rear end people, I know I need to take my PRN. With two counselors laughing at this, it makes me wonder what tone of voice is coming out when I explain it. Or, maybe I need to explain that this symptom, while it might seem funny to some, is pretty distressful to me because it's my wake-up call to being hypomanic which means I immediately start analyzing how long I've been this way and how it has been impacting my behavior without me noticing. It also causes dread/worry about the depressive crash that I know will follow.


I met my new neighbors today. They seem like really cool, down to Earth people.

Ughh, hate it when counselors don't take you seriously when you point out an early warning sign. I'm always a tad scattered brained, but when I start going up, I literally have to write on my hand "go to the bathroom" when I start feeling like I have to in the midst of or right before doing something I have to do, or once my CM came to the apartment I was staying at after I made an attempt to clean and, not to be tmi, but in my frenzy of starting the most miniscule of tasks that take 5 seconds I screw it up and there were snowshoes in the recycling bin, nipple clamps on the coffee table, and a bagless vacuum in the middle of the room. She of course laughed at the haphazardity of the place and made a comment about how I apparently can't be left unsupervised doing chores. Nevermind the fact my brain was incredibly screwed up, and reacting that way to an irritable, impulsive person probably was something she should've tried to not do...

Can you explain to the counselor it's not a normal thought for you, it always precedes (hypo)mania, and the meaning behind those thoughts are worrisome for you and that her response was upsetting?

I be having bleeding issues too. Not post-genital sneeze, but weird shyt for me. No period since March either, but I have a feeling I really fccked myself up in April and now amenorrhea is a thing again. Yayyyyyyy, but not really because I still need absorbent crap in my crotch covers for 10 drops of blood a day. A crap load of condom-less sex also kinda puts a thought in my head, but I have an IUD so any zygote would be in a tube which is also a fun thought.

I was walking outside today and this random kid like 5 years old aggressively told me he loves me. Dude, you're 5, should you be walking in the most crime ridden area of town without an adult telling strangers you love them? I'm not going to lie, it was cute though.

eta: Ughhh looked for ways to become any fccking job I won't kill myself doing that has a salary at or above the cost of living, and of course that led to looking up higher ed shyt and THE WORLD IS MISSING OUT BY MAKING ME NOT WANT TO PAY A GAZILLION DOLLARS FOR A PAPER PROVING I KNOW WHAT A FCCKING R-VALUE IS SO I CAN TELL PEOPLE "YES, THERE IS A 98% CHANCE ACID JAZZ CAUSES THOUGHTS OF MOVING TO LOUISIANA!"

Been a while since I checked in. I agree with others that social media has a way of taking folks aways from forums like this, and also COVID had brought a lot of people here that have just since disappeared. I remember years ago too, I loved being here and still do, but the crowd has definitely thinned out.

I am feeling pretty good overall. Having a really good time with my new boyfriend, who has helped me heal so much from my ex. I've stopped wondering on whether or not it was too soon to get into another relationship, but all I know is I am enjoying it, and enjoying sex a lot more than I ever had, which is unusual because like others have said, meds used to affect that a lot.

Sleep has been becoming an issue. Not that I feel mania, but being sober has honestly helped me feel certain feelings that I never could before. Even with my CPAP, I am averaging about 6 hours a night when I used to get a full 8. Life has slowed down as well, where things are becoming clearer about my future - I can't tell you guys enough about what it's like to be with someone who doesn't drink or smoke - I never realized how much of a difference it has made.

My doctor is discontinuing my Lithium. I have always feared that medicine, just because of the damage I know it causes. Someone else had mentioned Risperdone, I take 2mg at night, and I think that does the trick for me. It's a very helpful medicine.

Just overall, I feel really good. I did have an inclination to take a drink on Sunday though. I went to a funeral for a friend who was only 30 years old. I saw a lot of old friends, and even though it was really good to see them, being there and feeling all that sadness made me crave a drink, which I haven't in a long time. Came home and had some ice cream though and that helped, but I am very much aware that my addiction is still doing sit ups in the corner getting stronger while it's waiting for me to give in.

I woke up dead tired today even though I slept pretty well except for one period when H was snoring a lot. I even had to skip my morning pilates, and I almost never do that unless I have an early appt. I might try to nap after lunch. Stupid period. Men don't know how well they have it.

Feeling okay mood-wise at least, just tired. Coffee did nothing to perk me up. Have been reading off and on, but my book is on the slow side. Murder-mystery, but 100 pages in, and the murder hasn't happened yet. Come on and get to the mystery already!

@raspberrytorte

Did you call the nurse at your pdoc's?

If you need anecdotes on doing absolutely everything to stay sober with an addictive mindset, A month or so ago I said I'd have just one shot of fireball in a ginger ale with no problem. Ended up ditching the soda "because it's unhealthy" (addict logic haha). That one little shot led to three more that day, said I'd refrain and not fall down that slope right now, and then over the next month doing some fccked up shyt I do NOT want to write about right after when the shame is hitting hard to get about $300 worth of the cheapest strongest alcohol I could get (fun fact, NH doesn't have a sales tax on liquor, but a DTC fee of 8%). Not to mention bailing on plans/responsibilites, the obsessive thoughts getting wayyyy more intense than they were before that first drink, screwed up sleep, putting in so much effort into hiding both the drinking itself and the actions leading up to me actually obtaining it, losing a crap ton of trust in my new T, feeling like a failure, having absolutely no skill at controlling reactions to emotions, totally neglecting self-care... Spiraling significantly quicker each relapse and each time sobering up preventing the next relapse is harder I've noticed.

25% decrease in amount of hours is a bit though. How far into getting off lithium are you?

I saw the new doctor. He is putting me on a stronger zofran that disolves under my tounge, and told me to go on prilosec. He is also doing a stool test to check out the bacteria in my gut. I'm glad for the increase in zofran and that its a kind that disolves. I googled prilosec and it sounds pretty good. I'm glad he didn't suggest I go to the other hospital. I didn't tell him about the bleeding. I chickened out. I figured if it happens again I'll call my gynecolgist instead of a GI.

I'm just going to work really hard on my weight loss and health in general. I think things would be a lot better if I was back in shape.

Hopefully, that helps. Is that Prilosec the omeprazole as generic? I'm on that one, have been for years. Mostly, though, I take it that's as a precaution against another ulcer though I did have some period where I had a lot of acid reflux (often while asleep at night) after my ulcer surgery, but I haven't had that in years. Thank God. That's pretty miserable too.

Yes its the generic. Did you have any side effects from it?

No, not that I've noticed.

Thank you, and yeah it’s used as a mood stabilizer too

I have a job interview on Friday. Lots of stressful stuff going on right now in my life.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. It’s about to be 3 days without THC. Idk if I should mention that my anxiety is really bad. That’s probably my own fault for vaping THC a couple days ago. I’m trying to stop. Part of me feels like I can do it in moderation but part of me thinks it’s a bad idea because it tends to trigger psychotic like symptoms in me. I want to be able to have it in moderation but idk if that’s possible or stupid to think or hope for. I didn’t start smoking or taking edibles until 2-3 months ago. I just turned 30 last week. I smoked a couple times when I was 16 and experimented with some other stuff when I was 19 but had a very bad experience that scared me away from any and all substances for 10 years. But I started vaping and taking edibles recreationally 2-3 months ago mainly because my boyfriend does that and recommended it to help with stress. And it does to an extent. And it can feel good sometimes. But sometimes it goes terribly wrong and I end up paranoid and panicking and delusional for like 5-6 days after last having THC.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots If you need anecdotes on doing absolutely everything to stay sober with an addictive mindset, A month or so ago I said I'd have just one shot of fireball in a ginger ale with no problem. Ended up ditching the soda "because it's unhealthy" (addict logic haha). That one little shot led to three more that day, said I'd refrain and not fall down that slope right now, and then over the next month doing some fccked up shyt I do NOT want to write about right after when the shame is hitting hard to get about $300 worth of the cheapest strongest alcohol I could get (fun fact, NH doesn't have a sales tax on liquor, but a DTC fee of 8%). Not to mention bailing on plans/responsibilites, the obsessive thoughts getting wayyyy more intense than they were before that first drink, screwed up sleep, putting in so much effort into hiding both the drinking itself and the actions leading up to me actually obtaining it, losing a crap ton of trust in my new T, feeling like a failure, having absolutely no skill at controlling reactions to emotions, totally neglecting self-care... Spiraling significantly quicker each relapse and each time sobering up preventing the next relapse is harder I've noticed. 25% decrease in amount of hours is a bit though. How far into getting off lithium are you?

Well, we are talking about a slow decrease over the next three months, @MuddyBoots - I have already stopped taking my morning meds, and when I told her about it, she said that as long as I remain sober, I can manage on the 2mg of Risperidone at night for the bipolar and the 25mg of Hydroxyzine for sleep. The whole sleep thing is what worries me because I know that the key to my good moods and the all the positivity is the amazing sleep hygiene my CPAP provides. But for some reason I am averaging less sleep, but I guess most people do in general.

I have seen your posts, and I have always wanted to comment on what a brilliant mind you have. I understand this battle with addiction you have, as it was my exact same cycle of relapse, rinse, repeat and bargaining that plagued most of my 20s and 30s. I can relate with the instability of your situation as I lived a Bonnie and Clyde existence with my husband for many years, leading me to jail and rehab for close to 2 1/2 years combined. Did you ever consider a long-term rehab place? Also, I don't know the exact nature of what happened with your disability, but it sounds like you really need access to it.

Falling. My mom talked me into going into the leasing office of my apartment today. She talked with this woman who worked there while I stood there shaking and mumbling. Then I went back later as I had messed up my sign in for my portal and just managed to mumble and shake feeling extremely confused. Luckily the man working there seemed sympathetic. But of course I worried that he would try to steal my password to my portal. I was having trouble functioning at all and had to ask this stranger for help. I thanked him as I left. Theme I had to move my car to another parking lot that seemed like it had been freshly paved because they were going to pave my parking lot starting early in the morning. I told. Case manager about what happened at the leasing office and she said Pdoc doesn’t work there on Tuesday but that they had discussed Pdoc putting me on Ativan. I hope she can.

A few weeks ago I had my every 6 months mammogram. I finally didn't have any real reason for a diagnostic mammogram (which is all I've had in 2.5 years to be sure they caught anything early). So I had a routine mammogram. Today I got the letter that goes out after a normal mammogram that says I have dense breast tissue and it's important to keep up with mammograms. I got the same treatment as every other woman. I feel more relaxed now than I have been since this all started.

@MuddyBoots I'm sorry your CM said that to you. I think you're right-what you suggested is exactly what I need to find the courage to explain to the counselor.

Just to be safe, I left my pdoc a message saying these hypomanic symptoms are lingering longer than usual and let him know how, for the first time, I needed 2 mg prn instead of 1 mg of risperidone. I don't expect/need a call back, I just wanted to keep him in the loop since I don't see him again until the end of the month.

I think I might have overdone it physically today. It might be because I worked on unpacking my new classroom and some light physical activity. I have to get up early tomorrow to get some bloodwork done so how my body responds to that will let me know if/how much I overdid it today.

I threw up a bottle of Mountain Dew tonight but I shouldn't be drinking soda anyways plus it expired April 2023. But then I ate some ramen and I tried eating Taco Bells new Cheez It crunch wrap without sour cream. But they just gave me a regular crunch wrap with sour cream. Because they are a holes. But I didn't throw up. I just saw my pdoc on May 23rd. So maybe I really did just need my meds increased. I'm trying to do the stool test but taking a dump in that bucket thing that goes over the toilet is hard. I mean, its hard to sit on, and so its hard to take a crap.

Have you tried sliding the bucket thing under teh toilet seat? It holds it steady for you.

No. I forgot. Again.

Holy shyt man. I got a short story acceptance letter! I GOT AN ACCEPTANCE!!!

No I was sitting on top of it. I didn't know you had to put it under the toilet seat. Now it makes sense why it wasn't working.

Congratulations!