Bipolar Check-in #83

I'm sorry @Mountaindewed I know what I portray suburban soccer mom that *****es her coffee is to hot, that's what I look like too a perfect life, but reality is I'm chronically homeless, chronically hungry but engaging in an eating disorder, self injurious/psychotic which is light-years away from the drugs, sex, ground beef like skin, eating disordered, oding, run away, homicidal kid I was.

I also understand you've only known me on antipsychotics and don't know the years of work this group has our in to get me on them and to trust Drs. I know this is not the worst of it by far.

Sorry. I was rude. I hope things get better for you.

I didn't find it rude. I know how I look and that's kinda the point. Be there for everyone even at my worst.

Good morning, slept well. Started the vitamin D my doctor prescribed. Feeling pretty good. Going to that cafe today later when they open.
Just listening to music now and waking up.

@Victoria'smom, I often read your posts and am taken aback by your resilience.

You stick with things, you continue work on them, and just didn't give up, even though you feel bad. Very inspiring!

Had my coffee! After my purchase I had like $1.50 leftover on my gift card so I let them round up the total and donate the rest to St. Jude

I'm doing well this morning. I slept well though I woke up in the middle of a dream where my old art teacher from high school was teaching English class and I was up front presenting a report on the first Harry Potter book and had a witch broom, a backpack, and a homemade golden snitch ball. Kind of weird. I was able to go for a 30 min. walk. I wish it were cooler outside and actually fall-like weather. Later this morning, I have to go to the high school to pick up my daughter who is taking the PSAT. She goes to online school at home but has to take the PSAT at the local high school.

Fantastic. I’m dissociating

^^This!!!!

I think it's when seeing each other get on the other side of those roughest times on this forum that I feel most hopeful. @Victoria'smom, I want to thank you and just let you know that you're a big reason I'm looking into how to get myself back to school for something I've been interested in on and off for a long time. I love the perseverance. I know it's annoying--I was in a group where they always commended me on "perseverance" because, what? Because I was alive? Did I have another choice? I saw something on reddit or something where someone said "wow, look at that tree growing even though there's a fence in the way, what a resilient tree," followed by "the tree probably just wishes there weren't a ****ing fence in the way."

I don't know where I was going, but I just finished reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" yesterday and started "A Secret Life of Bees" this morning (another NP reading list book), so I'm a little impressed by how life finds a way I guess.

good morning everyone hope that everyone has a decent day and if things are difficult right now that they even out. I'm feeling okay a little nauseous but that's normal for me. looking forward to seeing my gastro in a few weeks. getting ready to get my second crown on Thursday, and have a med switch but I'm uncertain what exactly the plan is. he wants to switch me from lexapro to Effexor and I'm feeling scared. not doing great with taking meds consistently, but I need to, the problem is I feel like I'm on the wrong combination. anyway, thanks for reading (:

@Scooter9
@MuddyBoots

Thank you, I don't see any other choice. I hate looking high functioning but struggling. I feel no one takes me seriously because I'm too afraid to stop the niceties and explain.

I'm trying to figure out a good plan on doing this program. It's pretty competitive to get into (half of people that apply for it get in), and I have some things against me, but I have some for me too. I've taken the prerequisites a loooong time ago, but I did well (B+ in honors biology w/lab, A in gen chem I w/lab, and they only want intro to algebra but I've been in three calc courses although I withdrew from one, but got As/Bs in the others). And then there's the fact I've been doing jack the past 8 years and having to try and figure out a way to explain that along with my criminal background. Not sure if someone "older" than the average person going into school and a woman going into STEM will help or hinder though.

The guy I talked to said doing the courses required during the program before being accepted into the program will increase my chances of getting in, so I'm doing some digging to see if I can "join a program" that has those courses at a closer CC/online (getting into the program so I can be a proper student getting financial aid and such) to switch if/when I get admitted.

It's easy to get overwhelmed and confused (no one has taught me anything on smoothly getting into and paying for school), but I know I'm going to figure it out.

@MuddyBoots if anyone asks you were caring for a sick family member for those years but the issue has resolved. No one needs to know it's yourself. As far as your criminal background I say own it make a list of things you learned from it and try to get past the shame. If you pm me I can help with school stuff that's what I do for people and having 20+ hours a day to indulge in psychosis isn't healthy. You can spin it you can do it.

Covid is kicking my *** real bad today. I am so out of breath lying down and my blood pressure is 142/93. I only got a couple hours of sleep last night. Mainly today its just the cough and shortness of breath. My nose is still running and I can't taste or smell. My muscle aches are ok. But I feel like I had a bit of a setback compared to yesterday.

I did 45 minutes on the treadmill at an incline of 7. That helped a bit. That combined with the 40 min walk I took outside earlier today, I’ve already hit and passed my 10,000 step goal. Now I need to decide what else to do. Probably practice violin and/or paint cause those seem to help me when I’m dissociating. They are the hardest things to do when I’m dissociating because I end up wanting to go to just sit there and space out to a show or something mindless. But doing something more mindful helps ground me.

Whew. I almost got scammed by some entity claiming to be USPS and unable to deliver my package because of a lack of house number and it claimed needing fees in order to deliver it and wanted my credit card info! Wtf man. My package is being delivered on Thursday by UPS. I texted Husband about the odd text I received and his response was immediately, "Scam."

Just finished cleaning and de-fleaing the apartment. I don't feel so good so I'm laying down for a short nap. Husband is helping his mom out with some lawn work right now.

I keep on procrastinating and slacking on writing and ezine stuff. All I want to do is hang out with my family and listen to music 🎶, but vacation time is over! It's time to get back to work slacker! I have the November issue of the ezine to format, submissions to read, and a new novel project to plan and write. I think I'm getting a little TOO happy and comfortable, if that makes any sense. I'm lacking a sense of urgency. I'm perfectly content right now with my life. Best two black cats in the world, coolest daughter in the world, best husband a woman could ask for, cute little apartment and Halloween is coming up! Best holiday in the world! Going to drink some red and listen to Type O Negative after Daughter goes to bed that night.🌙

BUT rest and relaxation time is over. I'm going to start giving myself goals each day, beyond my usual cleaning.

@Mountaindewed

You don't sound like you're doing so well. I'm kind of worried about you. 😟 Do you think maybe you should go to the doctor? I would seriously consider going to the doctor. I hope you feel better soon.