Bipolar Check-in #83

I'm slowly getting back into the things I enjoyed doing. Everything kind of fell off when I dropped into a really low phase last month.

It's slowly getting better, on its own but also because I got tired of waiting. I gently pushed myself to do stuff and my motivation is very slightly and slowly starting to return.

I've also been trying to be more mindful when I'm feeling anxious or depressed. I'm just recognizing that something is happening and not doing anything about it yet. But the recognizing does help me relate to the anxiety and depression differently. It doesn't solve my problem, but it helps me see it differently.

My T and I have been talking about giving negative emotions like sadness, despair, anger, etc room to express themselves in healthy ways, instead of trying to turn away from them or suppress them. That's a tall ask! It's not easy but I'm trying.

The road into my situation is very long, so I guess the way out will be long too. One step at a time.

Had my yearly woman-bits exam today, so that was fun. There was a sketchy dude on the side of one of the backroads. NJ plates, black SUV, black suit, big bald guy wiping down the side of his ride on a dirt road. Now that I think about it, there's been an increasing number of similar events (MA, NY, and UT plates that I remember).

I am still in that limbo state of wondering if I should be putting all the anti-hypomania measures in place (again). I'm sleeping okay (I wake up in the night and then early in the morning, but I usually fall asleep easily enough and have been getting a solid 6hrs a night). I've been almost paranoid lately. I say "almost" because it's more just distrustful and suspicious.

Been awake since 3:00am. Raining hard on and off. My hair is allergic to rain it goes frizzy lol.

Not sure what I’m going to do today. I should go to the chemist to buy nicotine gum. I normally chew 2mg but they had run out so I’m chewing 4mg but I don’t like it ewwww. You’d think there wouldn’t be much of a difference but there is.

So far I’m doing well on the different formulation of the Vitamin D. It’s vitamin D3. Last time when I had a lot of side effects it was vitamin D2 and it was the largest once a week dose (50,000 units). Now I’m on the smallest dose of Vitamin D3 (1,000 units two times a day every day) and I’m not having side effects. I think my doctor was right that my stomach just couldn’t handle the large once a week dose. Also vitamin d2 is plant based and vitamin D3 is animal based so they’re a tad different in their source.

Anyway, hopefully that continues. I went to a nutrition class yesterday afternoon my supportive housing building had done with a nutritionist. It was good and informative.

I’m sleeping really good every single night. Doing good with taking my meds. Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment. I think we’re doing. More EMDR.

My anxiety has been pretty low. The last time I had coffee was on Tuesday morning. Just one. I think I’m only gonna have it around holidays or special occasions. Like birthdays , holidays, celebrations etc. Like around Thanksgiving I plan on getting a little box of 7 servings packets of instant coffee. Then doing the same around Christmas, and also on new years. And just do it that way. Keep it for special times since it’s my favorite. That way I don’t over do it. But man do I miss it. Water is so boring compared to coffee even though I drink it black. Coffee is just so comforting. Maybe I’ll try decaf at some point.

I finished season 3 of The Witcher today. Also read for awhile.

I kept myself out of grippy sock jail until at least Monday.

Today I have been having anxiety or even paranoia that I'm just going to black out and wake up committed in a psych hospital. Ugh. For me, when I get psychosis, it is bad like that in that I black out most everything for days on end like 4, 5, 6 days straight with only brief impressions here & there. It was made worse because I was dissociating a lot. I really hate this.

I still have dreams like that. I’m in psych wards that are twisted or hark back to one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. They tell me I’m afraid I’m not in control that the illness is in control. It’s hard to shake that feeling, that the bipolar has the upper hand. But it does get better.

This morning I woke up feeling badly and I was glad I switched therapy to virtual. She said I sounded "very Covidy." I have more energy now so I'm doing laundry. My anxiety has been fine all day since skipping Dayquil and Zofran. I skipped my OTC nasal spray too. I'm still stuffed up and coughing a bit and I'm out of breath, but overall I'm better. I slept really good last night. Crookshanks was at the foot of my bed for awhile. Hes never done that before. I guess he knew I wasn't feeling good.

Thanks @Nammu I'm doing a bit better now that I'm not dissociating. It's easy to lose myself in those thoughts especially when I'm feeling disconnected from reality and from my own sense of being.

I'm always scared I'll fall asleep at night and wake up in the ICU with a breathing tube down my throat and no recollection of what happened, unable to speak and with everything blurry because I don't have my contacts in or glasses on. That's the way one of my OD experiences was like. Complete black out and then waking up in an ICU nightmare. I hate going to bed because of this. My anxiety always skyrockets before bedtime.

i was at wokr for nearly 10 hours today and had to come home and work another hour on notes from group this am. im so tired yet need to be doing stuff. what to do?

i just about freaked out! i go an email sayin my school acct was on hold due to lack of paymetn adn i coudlnt enroll. ummmm then 4 mins later i had ane email saying my loan HAD disbursed which ive been calling about for 2 months. so thank god i now have some $$ and my loans came throuhg for school. whew! i also got my winter class sheduled. that way i have 3 classes in spring and im done! i can afford gas tomorrow now. ty sweet lord!

sorry about typos. i type all day at wokr and then come home and wokr and my eyes and hands are fatigued

I got food today. I eat the same stuff so I have to shop frequently. My mom went to the store this morning and got apples and nuts and then tonight we did a walmart order and I got more sparkling water. I did get a burrito from Sonic and I ordered it without onions. I don't like them anyways, I always order stuff without onions.

We might have to postpone our trip again. I think its my brother. Although I'm not up much to traveling.

I got protein shakes so I don't order as much. I'm still trying to digest the hour of t and how stupid it is that the MH urgent care doesn't email back. I feel like I lied to her because

I got a new iwatch today. My other one cracked it. It was 7 years old! It functioned fine BUT the battery kept dying at 3pm, unfortunately. Just couldn’t get the battery to last.

Swapped my nicotine gum for the 2mg one. Much much better.

Been having almonds for my snack like my gp said to. I’ve lost a slight bit in 2 days but not enough to get excited over.

Contrave still makes me nauseous but I was nowhere near as nauseous today as compared to yesterday my first day on it. Man it was rough.

Feeling tired from lack of sleep. Tried to sleep but couldn’t. I’ll make the most of this time before I pick up my son from school.

Hi everyone.

I've spent a lot of the last two evenings doing school work but I'm still not caught up. A ton of extra work got dropped on to teachers over the past two weeks so this plus unexpected schedule changes are taking up all of my time. Hopefully, I'll be able to dig myself out of this work pit this weekend. As much as I don't like taking work home, I am noticing my mental health is better because I am occupied with something and it's productive.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. My fatigue has been REALLY bad in the mornings so I'm looking forward to sleeping in. My energy is pretty good in the evenings though-go figure.

Enjoy your new watch , I’ve always wanted one but never got one. I’m thinking of getting a Fitbit versa 4 though which is sort of like a smart watch but not really and more based on fitness. The Apple Watches look really cool though!

Hope the nausea clears up soon and hope you get some better sleep soon

Good morning, I slept good, 9 hours. Have therapy today in about 3 hours. Spent 30 minutes this morning outside in just a hoodie. It’s 35 degrees outside. It felt good though. It woke me up and helped my mood.

I was up at 5:30. Talked with Caleb while at Panera. Cat is on my lap now that I’m home. Need to clean up a bit before Caleb comes for the weekend.

I'm having a difficult morning. I keep finding myself easily frustrated and agitated by things that normally wouldn't bother me. I'm due for my period, so I'm hoping it's PMS. It seems like this happened before my last cycle too. I used to just have physical symptoms as PMS --sore boobs, backache, cramps, and now it's both physical AND mental. I'm supposed to go to the library with my daughter later today, and I hope my mood improves by then.

On top of everything else, I stubbed my little toe badly on a doorframe yesterday. It's all bruised and I suspect fractured too. I've fractured that toe 5 or 6 times already. The pain kept waking me last night, so I didn't get the best sleep either. I tried taping it to the toe next to it, but that made it hurt worse, so I am going around with it untaped. I was bad this morning and took Advil for the pain, and I know I'm not supposed to take NSAIDs but Tylenol does nothing for it. I skipped exercise today because of it, and that didn't help my mood a bit.

Is It a bad sign I'm getting use to it all?

I woke up at 3 from a werid dream feeling sick cold and anxious. I needed dayquil, zofran and valium. Then I fell back asleep for a bit. I went to Target and Kohls around 10 with a mask on. It wore me out. I'm at home now just hanging out in bed. My anxiety is ok now. I just got a hat from Target. I was too tired to look at anything else and it was really crowded with Halloween shoppers and employees trying to rush out the Christmas stuff.

This thing just goes on and on though. This is day 8. I got my groceries delivered. My cats have food and I have sparkling water.

I had a good therapy appointment. We did more EMDR. It seemed to help. I didn’t dissociate on my walk home so that’s good. I stopped in the library on my way back and checked out two books. I see her again November 15th.

Just ate lunch. I had chicken pasta and peas on the side. The peas are in effort to start eating more vegetables. It’s a start.

I feel pretty good. The walk was nice. I didn’t dissociate either way there or back. Which was a relief. Maybe the colder weather helped. I tend to be worse with my anxiety and just everything in general during the summer months when it’s hot out.

We talked about coping skills for dissociation and about splashing cold water on my face or using ice packs as part of the Tipp DBT skill. And how practicing violin is a good one too because it’s very grounding. You feel the strings, the bow, the vibrations.

N3 is looking at an apartment as I type this. He gave me a thumbs up emoji when I asked how his 2.5 hour physics exam went last night. Grades for the exam should be available Tuesday. If he gets into u of m he’ll start as a sophomore!

I had a nasty migraine last night. I was up every 2 hours for at least an hour needing advil or ginger ale/crackers for nausea or just a new position in bed. And then I had nightmares which I've had a lot of the last several days. It was not a good night and I am so tired now. I'm also feeling irritable and generally yucky.


My goal for the day is to wash one load of clothes. We'll see but I really need to do this. One load. Not that bad. I hope.