Bipolar Check-in #83

Tomorrow I have the 2 hour phone interview for my 14th year bipolar longitudinal study. Not looking forward to it but they’re paying me so….

I hate myself. I hate that my brain is the way it is. I hate that my upbringing was traumatic at a young age and that it ****ed me up permanently where I dissociate randomly all the time. I’m anxious all the time. I’m afraid of dying. I’m scared of everything.

I am wanting to talk with friends but one never called like usual and the other is probably watching tv. I’d go to bed but I’m not tired really. And is it me or is this board slow tonight?

Hypnosis lady for anxiety was great! She really gets where I’m coming from. I’ve booked a session for Friday.

t says he can tell me im still not myself. but he feels confident imgetting better. imjust wantign to disappear

I got a TON done at school today because my students were doing a lot of independent work. I also had two meetings. This is great because the quarter is ending this week, but I must have over did it physical health wise because I'm not feeling the greatest and will need to head to bed earlier than I've had to in awhile. I get my next round of IV fluids this weekend so, hopefully, that will help get me back on track. My vertigo seems to be getting worse again though, so that's not great.

My mood was pretty good today. Just one triggering moment at work, but I was able to not let it get the best of me. I just put it on a mental back burner to talk about in counseling in a future session and this helped the anxiety not completely spiral out of control.

I think this site is getting slower.

One more sleep and I see the pdoc tomorrow. I hope I can explain what’s going on and make sense. Something has to change. I need steady sleep. Oddly this time of year I usually sleep better with the cooler weather. I’m exhausted from the constant lack of consistency in sleep. I’m talking with him to see if he has any thoughts I haven’t got, but my thought is a low dose seroquel prn.

Had a hard day today - very lost and confused about the future, but most of all....

So concerned for those in the path of Hurricane Milton, it's just getting bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger.

Praying for my dad's brothers in Tampa, and my little sister in Tallahassee...it just feels so overwhelming after Helene.

Please God be with them tonight and get them through this.

@LadyShadow I hope your family are safe 😊

I'm so excited about the accessable apartment. I'm 1 of 10 that got an application. It's an hour by subway but I'm hoping then no mortgage. Rent but no major bill renovations.

Ugh. Sick. 😫 Took a dose of NyQuil. It's helped my sore throat a little bit. We went to see the movie The Wild Robot. Pretty good film. Almost shed a couple of tears at the end. Today was low key since both Husband and I are sick. We spent most of the morning after dropping our daughter off at school sleeping. Didn't do much the rest of the day besides our usual cleaning.

Oh, our cat's vet visit went fine by the way! He got a clean bill of health. Next year he has to get blood work done because he'll be a senior. Hard to believe. I remember him when he was an obnoxious kitten! Lol. They grow up so fast. 😢

I have to get my booty in gear and start reading submissions for the ezine. They're piling up. I have to start doing it now or I'm going to get overwhelmed.

It sounded like there was just a shooting a couple houses down.

I'm kinda freaked out right now for no real reason.

Have prayed with you on these topics!

Feel better today. We put regular "coming together" days in our calenders yesterday.

Good morning. Sorry about my post last night. I wasn't feeling good. I slept and I feel better. That always helps. Anyway, I drew Naruto from the anime Naruto last night. Really happy with how it came out, it's the best drawing I've done in quite some time. I plan on drawing another character from that show today.

I'm actually feeling pretty good today--so good I'm planning a hike for tomorrow! Decisions, decisions though. I almost want to add a 4k'er to possible options, but I haven't done a genuine mountain hike in a few months and that last one was about 1000' less in elevation gain and four miles shorter haha (steeper but way shorter). The 4k'er I want to do takes most people about four hours, and I've already done it so I know the footing is actually a lot better than half the other places I've hiked...ok I just looked at the higher summits forecast and the high will be about 20F, 80mph gusts (so windchill around 0F) and snowing up to a couple inches, so I guess a "higher summit" is out of the picture...oops. Narrow's it down to two hikes if I'm feeling good, and looking up a few pond loops for if I'm not feeling up to elevation gain.

But the dude I went to the movies with yesterday. Zero social skills. He has feelings for me (the romantic kind, not the push-you-off-a-cliff kind. Or maybe both, I don't know). I was almost worried I'd run with it just to feel better about myself, but even I don't want to hop in bed with him. Shut tf up about "this is exposition" and just let me listen to the actual exposition. Still going to hang out with him though. He's stupid, but I love it.

I have therapy in a few hours, and we're going to get back to DBT skills work. I really hope I have the energy/strength to do the loop I want to tomorrow. Fk is it going to be windy though and that loop has a lot of exposed ledges...plan for any plan I guess. Maybe someone will post a report today.

Oh, and @unaluna, I do see the coffee in A Tree now

I'm having an OK day so far. This week has been kind of stressful because I feel like I'm always in motion. I'm still transitioning to work life and I'm struggling at times, but it's OK. I'm doing OK. I'm still really upset about my interaction with a specific finance company at work. They're just slimy and I have the go ahead to drop them once we get our money owed back. All in all though we're coming along well here. I'm feeling more comfortable in my position as Finance Manager (big transition from Spanish Teacher in a high school), and also I get to work on my " hobby" as webmaster as well and maintain and update a website I created for our car lot. I have periods I enjoy doing it, and periods where I kinda hate I ever volunteered lol.

Monday I got my meds refilled -- no issues so I was grateful for that. Psychiatrist monthly, therapist weekly... I'm doing OK.

Here's to being OK!

I’m doing weird. Was after 2am when I fell asleep despite taking two ambien. Woke up at 8, was able to get my very needed shower in. Then just as I was gonna get dressed, a knock on my dooor! The work man to put the covers back on the vents. A week and a half ago they came around to take all the covers off, they cleaned out the duck vents. Next they are cleaning all the kitchen vents. It’s a huge hassle but it’s a good thing to. Do.

I’m all dressed in my new clothes for my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Nervous about that. Let’s see, isolating, irritable, not sleeping, ….dont want a huge change in meds.
Oh yes, need to tell him that despite my drs wanting me to lose weight I’m scared to. Both ends of the spectrum I loose weight and I loose friends, housing, money, everything, but boy do I get lotsa wolf whistles and hit on because I’m in great shape, maybe underweight but looking good. Maybe get a therapist to talk about that?

Lots of brain probing. They said study participants have requested the neuropsych testing in person to be resumed. They asked me about my manic episodes, my hospitalizations in the last two years, all the meds I’m take and which on his list I’ve discontinued and started. Apparently my survey I did while in California in June never got counted so that’s a $15 loss.