Bipolar Check-in #83

I woke up from the worst dreams. Really dream. There were two dreams and one wasn't bad and one was horrible and then they combined and it became terrifying.

The dream that wasn't scary was just sad. I still dream about going back to work and this was one of those. Light night I dreamed that I accepted a position, sight unseen, (for a lot of money ) and felt very ambivalent to the job I was in (which is one of the jobs I really had but I'm not sure which). Tonight was about preparing to leave and give notice and that kind of thing. Not scary, just more sadness related to woking. Oddly in reality I've been to this place once and it was very awkward because the manager at that time was someone who I worked with, had been friends with and then we had a major blow-out my last week. I also couldn't see if he was hiring me.

I don't know. Just anxiety again I think. My Abbycat is snuggled up with me to make me better. If I'm not asleep pretty soon I'll take some more gabapentin. I just don't want to be too groggy to go to therapy in person. I'm not ready for virtual yet after the long absence.


The other I'm not going to share, even with trigger warnings but it was awful.



ETA: 90 minutes later I'm up from dreaming I'm the murderer and terribly upset that my pdoc won't like me anymore. Probably true that she'd like me less if I'd killed someone but also probably not a real issue.

I'm going to be really tired after therapy today. I had planned to shop for jeans but I have a feeling I'm going to just want to come home.

Thanks, I am trying , but everything goes in slow motion.



June, God is there even when you don't feel Him. Please try to remind yourself about that!
I searched out these Bible verses for you. Since I googled only, I have no idea about what Church that stands behind these beautiful pictures. But if they can help you, that doesn't matter. You can hang them up on walls or on doors.
23 Encouraging Bible Verses About Not Giving Up! - Top Scripture

Thanks for responding to my post. I'm sitting here staring in the wall without no motion.

I cut out people that don't value me as well. I don't want to be the one one can call when nobody else doesn't have the time to go to the cinema, the theater or whatever. The two Christian therapists Henry Cloud and John Townsend has written one general good book about boundaries and a few other books about boundaries in different relations. Amazon have them all. But here is the title of the general one:"Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" (2017).

My plan is somewhere in my head. Too tired to make it now. Later I will pick a blank paper for each topic. This means I don't have to do it all at once. Then I can use the time on each paper to find out where I want to be in five years, how to get there, what is wise or not so wise to do. When I have filled all the papers with goals and positive perspectives, I will put it all together on a three with a keyword for each topic. I can hang that on one of my doors and let it motivate me. If I need more details, I can get back to the papers for one topic at the time.

Tonight, one of my grown up children will visit and we will discuss how I can become less lonely and how to arrange coming together more often than for the time being.

@LadyShadow;7446846 Please hang up reminders for your bills or make alarms for them at your phone!

Take care!

@Crazy Hitch I can't say if hypnotherapy works or not. I did it twice. One time, I know I surely was hypnotyzied, the 2nd not. It didn't cure my depression, but shortly afterwards, I did gain weight and get healthy after being severly anorexic. However, I had already determined I needed to recover from the anorexia, so I don't know. I know hypnosis can't make you do anything you don't really want to do or that is against your morals or anything, but I'm sure anxiety is something you really want to get past.

I'm so sorry for those of you struggling . Anxiety, depression & lack of sleep are all horrible. I hate every single one of them.

May have found a path to accessable housing.

Woke up with a lot on my mind. I have tried really hard to stay within disability's restrictions in regard to work, but I have a feeling I will get in trouble anyway. I just need to keep my mind focused and try my best to look forward to the future. My head feels overwhelmed, and I feel stifled, I was supposed to work today, but I have to very careful about how much I actually make. I think all this overspending has affected me a lot - I have been gradually dipping into my savings and they have been depleting.

In the world we live in, I have realized that I am really on my own, so I can't mess up my benefits, or push myself too hard when I have a long history of multiple long-term hospitalizations and traumatic experiences. As much as I want to succeed in life, I have to be more practical.

Bottom line, as much as I want to plan and I am afraid, I have to remember, that my worries rob me of the moment I am living today. So instead of sitting in these four walls and closing in, I am going to out today and do some shopping for my friend coming over this weekend, and also be grateful for all that I have. At the end of the today, today and right now is all we have - there are no guarantees about tomorrow.

My endocronoglist appointment went really well. I was talking to him the whole time instead of him talking to my mom. We had a good conversation. He suggested a couple kinds of protein drinks to help with things. He said my levels are all good. He told my mom on the way out that he is starting to notice this postive shift in me. I know I'm getting more comfortable with myself and I'm happy with how I'm looking I'm also more alert lately and I've been assertive at my appointments and asking questions.

My pdoc told me my mental health is fine, my depression is just related to my physical stuff.

So yeah. It was a good appointment. I picked up a case of each of those protein drinks from Sams Club.

I went to pick up my Geodon and I waited in the car while my mom ran in and I got so overheated I got sick. I haven't had this issue with the heat and it wasnt that bad outside. I wonder if its a med side effect.

I can see why my pdoc wants my mom in complete control of the med. I really really want one right now but I still have half an hour.

Hmm, I think I hit hypomania for a few hours today. I did something really cringe, as the kids would say these days.

Thankfully I did what I did with someone that doesn't judge me, so it's all good.

I'm back to my regular programming now.

I've been reading a lot today. Hyperfocused on it or something. I've nearly read an entire book today though admittedly I think it is one of Patricia Cornwell's shorter novels. Unfortunately, the psychopathic murderer in the story turns out to be a paranoid schizophrenic I HATE when mystery writers turn to the old-reliable mentally ill perpetrator.

Got the med from my mom half an hour ago and it was an almost instant relief for my nausea and my slight stomach pain.

According to the doctor I saw today its primairly used for pain now even though it was originally an antidepressant.

OK, yep, finished the whole book in 1 day, 275 p with tiny print, maybe it is a bit of hyperfocus? On the other hand, when I can concentrate well, I am a fast reader.

Anxiously waiting for the hypnotherapist to ring me in 15 minutes ….

Had a pretty crappy day. Indirect Lenders for Auto Financing are the devil. They cheat their customers. They cheat their dealers -- they are an advocate for themselves and thats it. I'm just a little angry about it, but I know better than to think anything will be done. I just want our deposit back, and the promised "bonus" for selling a car and wash my hands of them. We have better prospects.

Trying to stop dissociating

Tomorrow I have the 2 hour phone interview for my 14th year bipolar longitudinal study. Not looking forward to it but they’re paying me so….

I hate myself. I hate that my brain is the way it is. I hate that my upbringing was traumatic at a young age and that it ****ed me up permanently where I dissociate randomly all the time. I’m anxious all the time. I’m afraid of dying. I’m scared of everything.

I am wanting to talk with friends but one never called like usual and the other is probably watching tv. I’d go to bed but I’m not tired really. And is it me or is this board slow tonight?

Hypnosis lady for anxiety was great! She really gets where I’m coming from. I’ve booked a session for Friday.

t says he can tell me im still not myself. but he feels confident imgetting better. imjust wantign to disappear

I got a TON done at school today because my students were doing a lot of independent work. I also had two meetings. This is great because the quarter is ending this week, but I must have over did it physical health wise because I'm not feeling the greatest and will need to head to bed earlier than I've had to in awhile. I get my next round of IV fluids this weekend so, hopefully, that will help get me back on track. My vertigo seems to be getting worse again though, so that's not great.

My mood was pretty good today. Just one triggering moment at work, but I was able to not let it get the best of me. I just put it on a mental back burner to talk about in counseling in a future session and this helped the anxiety not completely spiral out of control.

I think this site is getting slower.

One more sleep and I see the pdoc tomorrow. I hope I can explain what’s going on and make sense. Something has to change. I need steady sleep. Oddly this time of year I usually sleep better with the cooler weather. I’m exhausted from the constant lack of consistency in sleep. I’m talking with him to see if he has any thoughts I haven’t got, but my thought is a low dose seroquel prn.

Had a hard day today - very lost and confused about the future, but most of all....

So concerned for those in the path of Hurricane Milton, it's just getting bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger.

Praying for my dad's brothers in Tampa, and my little sister in Tallahassee...it just feels so overwhelming after Helene.

Please God be with them tonight and get them through this.

@LadyShadow I hope your family are safe 😊

I'm so excited about the accessable apartment. I'm 1 of 10 that got an application. It's an hour by subway but I'm hoping then no mortgage. Rent but no major bill renovations.