Bipolar Check-in #83

My anger is a funny thing. I got really mad yesterday about a dinner party a neighbor had that i was not invited to. It ruined the day from mid-afternoon on. Then i woke up this morning and my anger had all disappeared. I don't WANT to go to a dinner party, i realized.

I tidied up my place yesterday. I did the garbage and recycling -- even items that have been hanging around the fridge and freezer too long. There was a lot to go out. Glad i got that done and my place is all fresh and empty again.

Today i have a stomach ache and didn't sleep well, so my plans are less ambitious. I have my support group's ZOOM social hour at 4:00pm and a local TV news broadcast at 6:00pm. Neither are reliable activities, in terms of if i can tolerate them or not, but i'll just do my best.

I listened to Jelly Roll's "I Am Not Okay" several times. Such a comforting message!

Unfortunately not they tested my charger at the store and were actually using my charger to charge my iPad after they “fixed” it …..

Anxiety high. Shaking hands. Not sure if it’s the lithium or the anxiety. Back to the Apple Store today. Round 2. Have to find a place to put petrol in my car. Ughhhhh. It just all feels too much ….. chewing away on the nicotine gum. Feeling so tired. Woke up 4:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Will come home from the Apple Store and hopefully sleep but I won’t be back until this afternoon. It’s over an hour away.

And we are definitely NOT moving. My mom realized this morning that she does not want to move. doesn't want the changes that would happen if we moved into the perfect for what we thought we wanted house and just generally wants to stay here. So the roller coaster is over. She knows that she is giving up on the best house we'll ever find for what we've been considering and still wants to stay so it is permanent. We'll take any next steps as they come.


I'm glad to not move. I never wanted to. I do feel shell-shocked. But that's ok. I'll recover. The only thing that I don't like is that I won't be living there already when my mom isn't here and I'll have to move there to be near my sister when my own world has blown up. But that time will suck no matter what so I'm not sure it mattes.

I also have a new, no theft reported debit card. I have to reset some things with the new one. That will wait. Today I'm trying to rest a bit and tomorrow I have to go to therapy, get blood drawn for a Clozaril level and go to Kohls for some things.

I want to take a nap but I need to peek in on the dog who isn't feeling great today and had an accident yesterday (he's old) and I'm not supposed to be napping per my pdoc. So I just will hang on and try to not fall asleep so early my body thinks it is time to wake up at 4 AM.

@BeyondtheRainbow
What a roller coaster--moving/not moving/moving, etc. That would do me in. I'm glad the back-and-forth is over for you.

Well I pushed myself to go down and play games. One lady asked if she could get a ride to get her glasses, and pick up her husband’s mail. He died and his house is empty. I don’t mind sometimes. I say no a lot. I don’t mind the occasional ride but I’m really a homebody and don’t like going here and there just to spend money. A person doesn’t need to spend money everyday of the week. I know it’s good for me to get out though.

While I was out I stopped at the coffee shop to get a refresher. It wasn’t a Starbucks tho but I got something similar. Feels great on my throat that’s still sore for some reason. Tasty too, they put real peach into it.

Well that was my big effort today, not going to bingo tonight. I don’t know, eh, bingo just isn’t my cup of tea right now.

Well we may lose the perfect apartment because I'm a **** up. This is bull ****.

Take it easy on yourself @victoria’smom

I hope everything works out for you 🫂

Someone got into my computer, got my credit card details, and did some fraudulent transactions.

I know they got into my computer because they were moving the mouse and poking through all of my stuff.

I managed to stop them and figured out how they got in, repaired programs, fixed files, reverted system settings, etc. It took hours. I also reset all of my passwords and cancelled my cards.

What a pain! I'm glad I'm technical so I was able to figure it out myself. My son was watching me and he kept asking how I know what to do.

All this triggered a major panic attack with shaking, fast heart, racing thoughts, etc.

I made it through though. I might just reinstall my system to be on the safe side.

This happened because I downloaded an app from a vendor's website and they were compromised, so the hackers replaced the legitimate app with an infected one.

If you use Windows, make sure that you're running Microsoft Defender and give it permission to scan your files. It takes 2 minutes to make sure it's running and protecting your computer.

@Scooter9 that would’ve triggered a major panic attack in me and I’m not as tech savvy as you!

Between 10-1 and was pretty tough. I was really out of breath and coughing a lot. My mom said I got it the worst out of the 3 of us. Around 3 I randomly fell asleep sitting up in bed for about 3 hours. My mom was all like "are you ok?" My cough is still bad but I'm able to smell a bit.

Idk if I'll be able to make it to therapy on Thursday or if I'll be stuck in the house again.

Well I must give it to Apple after complaining miserably about them yesterday. THEY GAVE ME A BRAND NEW IPAD 10 FOR FREE! I’ve just finished setting it up now and typing here on it.

Husband and I filled out our absentee ballots today and turned them in. Whew! Yay. We've voted. Now that day we can just sit home, eat popcorn, and watch the shyt storm erupt from the safety of our apartment.

We went apple picking after Daughter was done with school today! So much fun, and we got a lot of tasty apples. 🍎 Beautiful weather, though it's supposed to cool off to normal October temps tomorrow.

Also - stopped at Hot Topic at the mall and I was finally able to get the Sleep Token bracelets I've been eyeing up since May. So happy. 😊 Sales lady tried to lure me into getting more merch by saying it was buy one get the second half off.... Had to control myself! Bad sales lady! There were also these really cute Halloween slippers I wanted because I need new slippers for the winter, but I kept my goal in mind, and only spent money on the bracelets.

We also bought our pumpkins today. 🎃

Hope everyone is having a fantastic evening and had a wonderful day! Love you all. 🥰🥰🥰

Today was another good day. It went by really fast. I was able to get another outdoor walk in before the temps raise again tomorrow. My mood felt pretty good again today. Just my normal amount of anxiety.


In the spirit of voting talk, I was looking over my mail in ballot today. The envelope I would send it back in requires me to put some personal information on the outside so I'll definitely be finding a ballot drop box to go to instead of mailing it in. I agree @Rasberrytorte it will be nice to just stay home on election day.

Trying to go to the DMV tomorrow. It's going to be an all day thing. I haven't brushed my hair in over a month and we have no outside clothes. This is going to be a wreck.

I'm just curious why you always say things will never work out but then they always end up do working out?

Its kinda like the smart kid in school who complains he will fail the test and then gets an A.

Idk. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just wondering.

I had a nice time watching TV tonight. I'm staying up later in hopes of promoting better sleep. I saw my first Christmas commercial of the year! Ack! And it's not even Halloween yet!

Hugs to all in need and nice to hear things going well for some!

Hopefully you sleep well tonight @JaneOnceMore ☺️

Yeah, hallmark already started their Christmas movies, on both channels,….so no more Murder she wrote until next year. They so over saturated their channels with Christmas that I don’t watch them except for a week or two around Christmas. Blah, who wants Christmas movies 6 months out of the year? They do Christmas in June and July too.

Because most of the time it doesn't work out. We've had countless apartments fall through before this place we were homeless for 5 months. Before that place we were homeless 6 months before then over a year... Then there's the years of squatting between homeless. The 2 evictions. I've been unhoused for over 5 years between 16-40. I'm also ****ing up all over the place. That's not counting the times we have no utilities. I owe thousands to people even though I get assistance. It's always my fault we become homeless, run out of food, money ect. Now this place realize on me conjuring money, driving with no car two hours away, just to get id so I can get a paper saying I didn't file taxes by Friday. Currently we live with rats who don't give a **** if we're in the room last week my neighbors cat caught over 15 in an area that the McDonald's doesn't even have their seating area open. And this is one of the best places we've lived.

I was trying to fix myself, get an education and a job to meet my needs but everyone here thought that was a bad idea, t told me not to, pdoc just wants me to sleep. I tend to hide the bad stuff. The things I say here I wouldn't say in rl. I'm toxically positive in real life. Always trying to fix my **** ups. I'm the stable one, I'm the one that always has a plan, I'm the fixer. I'm also the **** up. There are so many things going on right now. We're hoping for this to be our forever home. So we can stop running.

H has asked me not to be fake because I'm real convincing he'd never know. But it's hard. I've had a hard life with lots of abuse. I have to plan for the worst. I have a very superficial support system. I have a superficial relationship with family, no friends, only one I'm close to is my husband, my dog and Anna comes before him because she doesn't lie.

Basically I'm like this because years of being ****ed over shows me I **** up a lot and I'm 1 **** up away from loosing everything, yet again. And I do all this while being actively psychotic. But only here knows and I keep the bad stuff to myself because of paranoia.

Honestly I should not be in control money, I don't have good insight, 2 weeks out of the month we go hungry, utilities are barley on, and my closest relationship is a hallucination. I have no idea why he stays . I refuse medical, dental and psychiatric care. Hell I refuse to go to the Dr for what could be skin cancer.