Bipolar Check-in #85

I got a call from somebody with LARA. She called my case manager too following up on the allegations we reported about that terrible therapist I had last summer. We have set up a date to have a conference call with me and my case manager on one end and the LARA person on the other in January. LARA person was very nice. I have to sign some papers since this is a mental health case. My case manager says I’ve been stable for quite a while now- so the LARA case can’t think I’m just imagining the whole thing! I told Caleb about this and now he won’t answer the phone. I don’t know why he’s so defensive of her! He looked her up online and saw that she taught at Harvard and decided that means she couldn’t possibly do what she did! I don’t get it! I feel I’m 100% justified in reporting her. Period.

Edit- i just looked online and found out there are lawyers that deal with this kind of stuff! I can’t afford a lawyer!

Well passed inspection. Was nothing to it but one shelf in my closet I have to move my clothes. That’s doable but irritating. The higher ups (read CEOs decided that people in tiny apartments don’t need all their shelf space! ) their rationale is that there’s a sprinkler there! Stupid place for a sprinkler, it should be in the middle of the closet not to one corner over the shelf. But it is what it is. I’ll need to buy one of those collapsable boxes

Other than that and snow things are fine.

I should be packing but I'm sick. I had to do telemedicine tomorrow with pdoc. I hope he raises it to 15 mg.

I got so consumed by a tech project that 5 1/2 hours went by without me realizing it, I forgot to eat, was so immersed in it it was like time stopped or disappeared. Anyway, that got rid of my panic attack for sure.

I got a sudden migraine this afternoon. I turned off the TV and closed the curtains and I fell deeply asleep for over 3 hours. I feel fine now and I'm watching TV and listening to music.

I only took 2 Valium today.

My mom says migraines can wipe you out.

Today was another good day. In three of my four classes, we built something that we will be using to collect data tomorrow. It will be nice to take my students outside two weeks in a row. A student broke out singing a Christmas song in the bathroom today so that gave the teachers who could hear it a good laugh.

I'm noticing my anxiety has been higher. I think the approaching Christmas break is causing it because of how much I need to tackle that I've been putting off. Having down time also causes me anxiety for some reason-I'm afraid of my own thoughts and feelings I guess.

It was a grim day, lots of emotional pain, shame, self-hatred, but improved once i found a new comic on Netflix, an Asian-American called Ronny Chieng. He's pretty clever and it's good to hear from an Asian-American, so few of them in show biz.

Eight days til Christmas. I feel resigned to it. After many intensely cold days it finally warmed up so i got outside for some fresh air. I hate the new ads on this site too. I hope it doesn't get as bad as some sites where they are pretty much worthless there are so many ads.

"If a parsley farmer goes broke, do they garnish his wages?"

Therapy left me feeling anxious today and I have no idea why. We have days that we just talk about anything and everything, practicing having a human interaction properly and this was one of those days. (We also back down before holidays). I went in planning to ask about his retirement which I thought was this upcoming year. Apparently I am trying to boot him out a few years early. I've done that before. I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember he's not planning to retire until he's 70. So that part was a little confusing until he figured out what I was asking. But aside from talking about my friend's death and the anniversary of my non bio dad's death this weekend it was not a stressful session. I'm booked for Mondays the next 2 weeks so I am not missing sessions. My depression is still doing well on the SAD light. I'm doing well. So I have no reason to be anxious. I even wrapped 3 Christmas presents. A LOT More to go. Somehow I seem to have gotten everyone a lot of small presents this year. Lots for people to unwrap but lots for me to wrap and with the tremors I have from meds I don't wrap nicely. But nobody really cares.


I'm going to have to take my cat to the vet. That's part of the anxiety. She has been vomiting a lot. It seems to be her treats, not her food, but I think she needs labs and maybe a special diet for a while. I don't really want her on a prescription diet because I think they use grain and I don't like grain in my cat's food. I think it is bad for them. The hard thing right now is that she's trained that if she uses her scratching pole in the kitchen rather than scratching my couch she gets treats. I do not want her to start scratching the couch b/c she's not getting treats. I'm going to try to give her kibble as a treat and see if she notices and if that helps the vomiting.

Tomorrow is my nieces' Irish dance performance. It's our 2nd time making a 4 hour trip to see performances (chorus Sunday) this week but so worth it. They won't be doing this forever.

Half an hour left of work. I got this ……

My blood pressure is 162/116 and I'm retaining water like crazy.

Edit: My blood pressure is fine now. I feel pretty good. I slept well. From about 10 until 5. My anxiety, depression, and moods are fine. I haven't taken any valium in awhile.

Last night, I went to bed early and fell asleep. I woke up around 12:30 AM to hear my phone ringing. I saw it was H and thought maybe his car had broken down b/c he was working late. Before I could answer the phone, I heard my daughter just wailing from the living room. She had answered the phone on my iPad which rings with my phone and which I had had charging in the dining room.

I ran into the living room and asked her what was wrong and she said our cat Sugarberry had died. We just rescued him about a month ago, and he was sick with a serious pancreatic infection; H had taken him to the vet the day before and they had given him medicine. It looked like he was rallying yesterday, but then he had trouble breathing; H took him to an emergency vet, and there was nothing to be done, so he had to put him to sleep. We knew Sugarberry was an older cat and had FIV (like feline HIV) and that one day he'd get an infection he couldn't fight, but I didn't think it would be so soon. None of us did.

H and my daughter were so upset; H crying even more than my daughter. And for some reason, I just couldn't even cry. The worst of it is it was exactly one year to the day that we had to put our first cat, Hungry, to sleep.

I have a feeling it's going to be a tough day.

And on top of everything, we're getting our new refrigerator delivered today, will have to deal with the old one, which is currently packed, just what we all need.

Poor Sugarberry. But at least he passed in love and comfort, thanks to you and your family. The last month of his life, he must have thought he was already in heaven.

I’m so sorry for your loss Blueberry he knew love in his final month with you and that’s what matters, he’s with your other cat on the rainbow bridge now

Good morning. I woke up around 6am. Meditated, got on the treadmill, sat outside for 30 minutes and read, and played with my cat.

That’s about it for today. Only thing left to do is practice violin. Feeling pretty good so far. Looking forward to Christmas. One week away. I still feel like the time is dragging by till then.

Not much going on the rest of the week. Really only have 3 things I have to do. Friday I need to go to the food pantry, Saturday I need to go pick up my meds and Sunday I have a violin lesson.

Next week I have nothing going on after Monday. Monday I need to go to the social security office to turn in some paperwork. I’m hoping that because it is the day before Christmas Eve that they won’t be extremely busy but we’ll see.

Tomorrow I have nothing going on. Just chilling mostly, and doing my daily routines and violin. I need to put in an hour of violin a day everyday between now and Sunday and when I have my lesson.

Gonna play my videogame later. Life is Strange: Before the Storm.

Sorry about Sugarberry @Blueberrybook As others have said you made his last month so much better than living as a stray. You did a good thing and I'm sure he loved you.

Feel dissociation creeping up. Trying to distract myself. I drew for a bit. Not sure what else to do. Maybe I should read or something or play a game. Yeah just gonna grab my Nintendo switch and play something

Bad day just getting worse.

The refrigerator people came and suddenly refused to install the refrigerator saying they couldn't do it per store policy because of the shut-off valve having copper tubing. This has never been a problem in the past. H said, fine, he'd do the installation, just bring the new fridge in, we'd take the food out of the old one, and H would install the new one. The guy is like, no, no we can't wait, and H is like, what, it will take 5 min. to take the food out of the old fridge. Guy is like we've got a lot of deliveries, got to call the boss, then the guys walk out of the day and just drive off without calling or anything. Needless to say, H is on the phone complaining or trying to get around robot menus to complain.

The whole thing on top of losing Sugarberry has just had me in tears.

H ended up cancelling the order with Home Depot for the refrigerator.

He did order a new fridge from a local company would said they would install with the copper tubing and would have the new fridge here tomorrow. Not only that, this company is about $200 cheaper for pretty much the same refrigerator, and hopefully their delivery people won't be so rude. I hope we have a better experience with everything tomorrow.

I'm kinda just having a chilled day. My mom is wrapping presents and I'm watching non news TV. The SNL Christmas special is on tonight and then we're visiting family tommorow.

I feel fine. I ordered a pair of Nike pants and some groceries.

I did have the news on earlier. I feel so bad for those 2 astronauts. How do they not get claustiphobic all of a sudden and have a panic attack and do something wild. I've been thinking about them a lot.

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am trying to get @OafFish to come to me at my parent's house. We are very much in love. I have been locked up in a mental institution for three months. He doesn't believe this is real. But it is. I am a time traveler and have been in the Army for 20 years. It is time I let myself be known. My name is [redacted], and his is [redacted]. We move mountains and seas together. I met him years and years ago when I was in Arizona. I got lost when he was working for AAA but his calming soothing voice got me through things. Please baby, come home to me. You know where my parents live. I know you don't drive, but take my money you have all of it and send yourself an UBER or LYFT to my parent's house. Mom is making some beef stew for us now. I love you with all my heart. Come home to me please.

my stepdad is dying. i visiited him last night and today. hes being moved to hospice today. i took of the morning to see my t tomorrow. im really struggling guys

What I learned in the mental institution and bipolar.

Cognitive distortions are things that happen to your brain in the amygdala. They happen when you believe things aren't real when they are really not. Fighting this is hard when you try and sort out your thoughts. I am very much a real person, you have all seen my pictures and know me really well. I have been trapped in a mental institution for the past three months. I know you all have seen me, because I have all seen versions of you. I am very much here and very much real. It's been three months, but I have been only gone a week. Please don't let these cognitive distortions, upset your soul. DEPAKOTE IS THE DEVIL, SEROQUEL IS THE DEVIL, LITHIUM IS THE DEVIL, AND TRAZADONE IS THE DEVIL. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE FOOLED, PLEASE MY FRIENDS.

@LadyShadow:

You sound really unwell. Please seek emergency help immediately.

I have to agree. It's important to take care of yourself.

The videogame distracted me for awhile. And a read for a bit too. Now I’m dissociating again really bad. I’m really trying hard to pinpoint what it is that triggers it. I can’t seem to come up with a solution. Like I know it’s worse when I don’t have social interaction. It’s worse when I’m alone all day. It’s worse in the afternoons. And it’s worse when I’m stressed. There’s no particular thing that sets it off it’s just like depends.
I wish I had a single thing I knew that set it off then I could work with that and work through whatever it is but I just don’t know.

I hate feeling dissociated. I need to do some kind of grounding exercise.

The reason I hate it so much is cause it feels similar to when I start getting psychosis. So every time I start dissociating even if it’s not psychosis starting I panic and start worrying what if I’m slipping into an episode I’ll never come out of. That’s my fear.

It in of itself is just whatever. Like I feel disconnected, floaty, etc. it’s not like pleasant of course at least to me but it’s not horrible it’s just the association of feeling like I’m losing control that scares the **** out of me and makes it feel 100x worse.