Bipolar Check-in #85

I have EMDR again on January 2nd. I forget what we’re working on then. I think something related to impulsivity. Or maybe it was something to do with memories from when I overdosed on a large amount of dxm/cough syrup which was a horrific experience that traumatized me. Idk if I’m doing EMDR right. Like I try to hold the memories in my mind when we’re doing it and she’s moving her hand back and forth but idk if I’m doing it properly on my end of things.

I have a lot less anger and irritability today. I think it was pms making me so angry earlier in the week. I wanted to punch holes in walls. Everything was pissing me off.

I might try to find a Christmas movie to watch. That might put me in a good mood. I’m not really in a bad mood per se I’m just frustrated and sick of dissociation. I was gonna practice violin but idk if that’s gonna happen today. I think I just need to go to sleep later and not worry about my to do list for the rest of today and work on things tomorrow. Kind of reset. Sleep helps my brain kind of reset when I’m dissociating really badly.

Learning about astrology right now. It’s really interesting. I’m a Gemini.

@Blue_Bird - I'm sorry about the dissociation. It happens to me a lot too. I get a lot of watching my life as if through a movie or a disconnect from reality, but what happens to me most often is feeling as my self is not real, and when I realize I feel like this, it is very easy to panic. Like I can't connect my name and all the things that have happened to me in my life to myself as I am at the current moment if that makes sense? I guess the only thing that keeps me from going completely insane is that it just keeps happening and things eventually flip around. I had pretty much almost an amnesia hit me with psychosis, almost like I fell asleep and woke up finding myself restrained in a psych hospital. For me, the psychosis has been less scary than the dissociation because I'd get beyond pretty much thinking about or retaining anything in psychosis until I was coming out of it in the hospital.

@LadyShadow

What ARE you talking about? I agree with Jane and Blueberry. You sound very unwell. You're not making any sense. Please get help.

@LadyShadow

You know I always care about you. Please call your doctor or take yourself to emergency. You sound unwell. You know you can get better because you were better for a long time. You might need medication adjustment. Please take care of yourself

PS I am not sure OatFish will see your messages on here as he hasn’t been on this forum since last summer. I am not sure he’ll be traveling to your parents house as he not likely to read these messages. Please be safe

So I'm on 15 mg now in January I start the injection again. Victoria wants me to make something for her for Christmas. A mecha, with an abstract background.

Lady shadow. I’ll keep you in my mind sending purple vibes, I’m worried about you.

I’m do’n ok, had a bank appointment today to roll over my CD. They wanted me to get another credit card and a loan. I said no to both. I need to protect the money I have especially in the next four years. Funny 10 years ago when I really needed a loan they said no. Now that I have my inheritance they’re eager for me to get a loan. That money has to last me the rest of my life! I’m not throwing away money in interest.

Had an excellent meal today. Ham, sweet potato and green beans. Came with a decorated cookie too. Yum, my main meal today. They did good. The meals can be effy.

The outside wasn’t too bad. I left early because of the snow but it was light crispy snow, easy to get off the car. The day wasn’t too cold, in the 20s tomorrow it’s supposed to snow all day! Ugh. But by Christmas Eve the temperature goes back up and the weather looks brili For driving in as I’m to go to my daughter’s.

Omg girl, that sounds like a lot. Let me tell you that psych ward was the worst it could possibly have been. But believe me when I say I saw all of you, in one form or another. This is where and me and @OafFish met, I have known this man 20 years just like I knew Giovanni. Both men played a different role in my life, but boy did they love me.

N3 is signed up for 18 credits at U of M! Mostly computer classes!

I had an anaphylactic reaction to ham! I looked in the ingredients list and sure enough! Vinegar! I had to take Benadryl. Swollen tongue lips and throat and itching! It’s better now but not perfect.i have a dr appointment tomorrow.

I am so lost in my feelings. its not fair to lose my dad and now my stepdad too. ive lost 4 friends and my grandpa already this year. too much loss for one year. i see my t tomorrow. we are waiting til after christmas for the funeral

Had therapy today. Mostly talked about my alcoholic dad.

I’m glad to see you back here LadyShadow! I mean it. So what was the psych ward like and when did they let you out honey? When do you see your pdoc again @LadyShadow?

All these questions lol

Lady we worry about you. The concern isn’t that the other poster isn’t on here (like you said he doesn’t need to be), concern is that you are trying to contact him on here inviting him over to your parents house, but he isn’t visiting this forum. Could you contact him directly like phone or email?

I am happy to see you back but you do not sound yourself and it worries me

@HALLIEBETH87 I'm so sorry about your stepdad.

@Blueberrybook Sorry you had such a rough day...

Taking my students outside to collect data was a success. The weather was perfect and the kids seemed to have fun. The weather was so nice today that, when I got home, I sat outside and read for a bit. Since tomorrow is the last normal day before break, it will be more of a fun day tomorrow that formal lessons. Well, for the kids who aren't missing work anyway. Those who are missing work are going to be required to work on that during class since Friday is the last day of the quarter.

My nephews will not have a Christmas this year. Not because they couldn't but their mom didn't want them too because she's upset with them.... For being teenagers (?) I was going to buy them gifts but she said she would and now it's to late to do anything I'm so upset. It's more upsetting because their stepdad is Santa and she's ms. Clause for the session.

I listened to some fun stand-up comedy online. It was Canadian. It was nice to hear all the Canadian references. Some shows were from The Yukon. Interesting. One comic was 6'8". That's the tallest man i've ever encountered. One comic had terminal cancer. I felt uneasy listening to her.

Seven days til Christmas. I choose not to work on relationships thru the year so it only follows that i get left out on holidays. One support organization posted notices about their virtual Christmas and New Year's drop-ins, so i registered for both. Seems they have been holding them since COVID started, but i've been out of touch with that org and missed them. Could have had more cheerful holidays in recent years if only i'd known. Note to self.

Worried about LadyShadow, i guess we all are. Hope she's alright...

Still taking Benadryl. It seems so long until my appointment!

Good morning! I slept great. 9 hours. Looking forward to the day. Have some fun stuff planned

Picture of my kitty today

That sounds like fun @June08 you sound like a great teacher!

Sorry about feeling lonely on holidays @JaneOnceMore I feel similar. The only family I really have is my sister and niece and nephew and my sister stops by for like 10 minutes on Christmas Day to exchange gifts then leaves. Other than that I’m alone on the holidays. Thanksgiving I was alone. Thankfully I have my cat though and she is a lot of fun. It still sucks though not having people around to interact with. I hope the drop in thing you do helps

I just got a memo in my door, there’s a Christmas gathering in the community room tomorrow at noon. We’re having sandwiches (usually subs) and cookies so I’m gonna go to that

My dad always had a mustache! So for me, mens gotta have a mustache! Then again, my mom had one too. Oh heck, so do i.

I've just about completely withdrawn into myself for the past couple of weeks.

I've had enough. First, my mother yelled at me for about 30 minutes for my family's behavior, then one of my kids yelled at me for something I supposedly did, then my wife threatened divorce if I didn't take a shower, and now my wife wants to check on my toothbrushing activity by checking the amount of toothpaste left and whether my toothbrush is dry.

I'm sick and tired. So I took myself out of the situation and I just don't care anymore.

One of my kids wanted to blame me for their desire to leave home. I said, fine, if it makes you feel better to blame someone, go ahead.

My wife is full of platitudes, like how I should drink more water to "solve" my depression and that pills are bad for me. On one hand I can't believe that after 20 years of dealing with depression and anxiety, she's still coming up with such dumb solutions. But on the other, I'm not surprised. The family had never really cared about what in going through as long as the bills are paid and the fridge is full.

They're even checking the amount of time I'm on my computer or watching TV. They want to see what I'm doing on my computer. You know what? I'm learning on my computer. I'm enriching my otherwise desolate life. "You wanna see what I'm doing on my computer? Get lost!"

It's just too much.

This is absolutely ridiculous (like 💯 ), but I got my SAD lamp in the mail and have been using it, and the thing has been making me restless, and I swear paranoid! I don't know why else I'd suddenly be getting the paranoia, and some auditory hallucinations as well, and just, well, weird thoughts, like some entity is screaming in my brain.

I don't know what's going on! And my sleep has been worse than usual. I was up three times last night and couldn't fall back asleep. I'm not sure if this whole light therapy thing is good for me.

Has this ever happened to anyone else?! It's just bizarre. I think I'm going to call the nurses line of my psychiatrist's office and just ask about it.

@Blueberrybook

Sorry to hear about Sugarberry. 😔 That's very sad, but like others have mentioned, at least he got to spend the end of his life with a loving family instead of as a stray. ❤️

I was gonna go to the library. I walked part of the way there. They were doing construction throughout the sidewalks and halfway into the road and I didn’t feel like walking literally in the middle of the street to get there with my back facing traffic when it’s a busy road. So I turned around and came back. I’ll go maybe next weekend.

I’m just listening to Christmas music at the moment and drinking a coffee. Waiting for my tablet to charge so I can watch something on HBO. Rewatching game of thrones. I could just watch it on my phone I guess until it charges.

I feel pretty good today. Enjoying my games. They’re a good distraction from my thoughts and boredom.

Oh my god I'm fudging freaking out!! Now it feels like the negative entity is running it's hands up and down my back and dark beings are standing behind me, but whenever I turn around to look they disappear. This is not good. That SAD lamp is the devil. 😈 I'm returning it.