[MuddyBoots]

(it'd be a fake promise but they don't have to know that). Tomorrow I see med nurse in the morning and CM later on. I dun did dumb.

But huge trigger warning and even in a box a mod might take some details out, if they do let's just say it's excessive

Possible trigger:

Probably at least 40 lacerations to the arm/wrist and a couple on my foot/ankle, 6 or so that they'd probably stitch up/staple if I went to a doc right now which I will not do because I know they'll heal on their own just not so pretty looking. Also took 8mg of Xanax (and feeling like it was a hydroxyzine, but whatever).

And yes, not only did I call my treatment team crisis line twice beforehand, I reached out to 988, and they both triggered me further (first time my team said "well it's normal to be anxious around change" and the second time it was someone else who just talked about my dad hating me)(988 lady told me to stop taking my meds), so...don't think I'll do that again.

It wasn't a suicide attempt.

Possible trigger:

(I'll never "attempt suicide" because I can't die. I'm like one of those McDonald's cheeseburgers that's like 26 years old. I can prove it. I'll swallow every pill prescribed or OTC and chop off my limbs and drink antifreeze and post tomorrow afternoon how my stomach hurts)

They say IP is if you're a danger to "yourself or others" and I'm not a danger to others at this second, so I feel like I'm good, but I feel like no one else will understand that.

[JaneOnceMore]

@MuddyBoots:

I'm so very sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I wish i knew the words to make it better. We're all here for you. You have such good energy and are so spirited, you add so much to this forum. We want you around. *I* want you around. Please try and persevere, you've shown you're resourceful about this in the past, it's a useful skill. All the breaks i got in life were just because i hung in there.

[Blueberrybook]

muddy, I think you know it's time to seek help and go IP again. We all love you, you know in truth no one is immortal, not even you. Please take care of yourself and get the help you need. We all love you and want to see you around

[Victoria'smom]

Please go get looked at they may not keep you but get wound care. Your not immortal, no one is. non attempts can be just as dangerous as attempting. Please go.

[HALLIEBETH87]

please be kind to yourself.

[raspberrytorte]

Crisis lines have all done shyt for me in the past too. For my really bad OD the lady on the phone just made me feel worse. So screw crisis lines!!!!!

I don't know if they can IP you after the fact.... but I think they'd want to. I think you should probably get looked at. If you hurt yourself, you're a danger to yourself and should probably go IP.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I second the above. Both that you are spirited and wonderful and we all love you and that you absolutely must get wound care.

[divine1966]

I hope you get the help you need

[MuddyBoots]

I’m back. One of my CMHC peeps took me to the ER when I got meds (apparently you shouldn’t be driving 9 hours after taking 8mg of Xanax when you haven’t taken any benzos in months and don’t have a tolerance), and they threatened me with court if I didn’t go to the mental health unit.

11 stitches, 12 steri strips, and glue on four wounds at first. Some glue came off and they put three more strips on. Stitches come out in seven days. Got a K-pin last night and antibiotics (oral&bacitracin) because of course there was/is a crazy amount of infection, other than that things are the same.

I have like no more wound care supplies and the drug store is closed for the night. They want it covered with a non-adhesive, wrapped in gauze for padding, and then a sleeve over it.

This IOP lady for substance use wanted me to get into her program, but it’s until 9pm and I’m too spiritually old for that shyt. Also a long *** drive.

[JaneOnceMore]

Oh, Muddy, i am so sorry. But you did the right thing, seeking medical attention, obviously. I hope your wounds heal quickly, and you find some peace in your soul.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore

Oh, Muddy, i am so sorry. But you did the right thing, seeking medical attention, obviously. I hope your wounds heal quickly, and you find some peace in your soul.

“Seek” is a weird word for it… I feel like a different person woke up Monday morning. I still don’t feel myself. I don’t even know who that is.

[MuddyBoots]

Thanks guys.

I still have a lot of trouble believing I’m mortal. I mean, I saw a chick shoot up and just stop breathing, and I feel like I’ve been through similar traumas and so much more and here I still am? It doesn’t make sense. I think I’m going to join a SAR team.

[JaneOnceMore]

Oh, i didn't mean "seek" as in "med seeking" or "attention seeking." I meant it in the common usage. Perhaps "getting" would have been a better choice. Sorry. I was only trying to help because i care. But that's twice now that my attempts have backfired with you so i'll save my breath next time. I feel compassion for you but i have to protect myself.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to come across as attacking. I knew what you meant, I'm just saying I don't feel like I "sought help" but more "was forced by people to go to the ER and was threatened into treatment because I had to show up to get my meds and whatever I said I probably shouldn't have."

[JaneOnceMore]

@MuddyBoots:

Ah, i see. I'm sorry too, i over-reacted. Let's put it behind us.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore

@MuddyBoots:

Ah, i see. I'm sorry too, i over-reacted. Let's put it behind us.

[MuddyBoots]

Just as an update, Had another rough night and it's screwing with my responsibilities today (which is just to give someone a ride to work, but I doubt they packed my new meds yet, and knowing me I didn't return everything I was supposed to). But another point for immortality.

I called my team's line last night and she basically told me she doesn't know what to do to help me, and to call the rapid response line. I called that and I think one thing I hate about talking to people who don't know me well (like my CMHC line) is that I like to make metaphors, allusions, and quotes and even when I try not to, misunderstood references slip in:

Sarah Fuller Flower Adams
"Love"
O Love! thou makest all things even
In earth or heaven;
Finding thy way through prison-bars
Up to the stars;
Or, true to the Almighty plan,
That out of dust created man,
Thou lookest in a grave,--to see
Thine immortality!

So even if I'm not "Muddyboots" as you know me, I'll be decaying in the woods creating a new superbacteria that's going to be the next pandemic. Your're welcome