[MuddyBoots]

Not sure how far back they'll want me to go because a lot of times I've either been out of it or it was just a "how are you?" "whatever I answered" "uh, yeah, let's go to the hospital."

-My sleep has sucked-going to start there. I was navhing nightmares before, but I at least slept through them although I felt weird while awake. Now I just stay up until 3 and wake up at 6.
-I have very on and off paranoia and other psychotic symptoms. I might cry thinking someone put a bomb in my car while I'm drving or see/hear stuff not that that's usually unpleasant like people telling me if I screw withvelocity of time, I'm gonna end up screwing up at least a 5% of the universe, but the way they say it I don't know how to not screw with the velocity of time.
-I am more hypervigilant than usual, not sure if med change or time of year.
-I haven't done any cutting since the hospital until last night, and it wasn't really to do physical damage it was more a toned down version of that.

With med changes- I started last Friday a PRN antipsychotic that I take once and it makes me feel tipsy, I take the second dose they tell me to take and I have a hallucinogenic experience. Last night I mixed DXM (recommended dose, not aiming to trip) +the antipsychotic+lorazepam+two trazodones+my regular Depaktoke and it actually was the most normal I felt. My mind just pleasantly wandered and then I went to sleep although woke up feeling a little hungover.

I also, at least with my case manager but it'll come up with pdoc too, have a lot of housing/getting ready to move, and post-hospitalization stuff to take care of, and I still want to see if she can help me get back in school.

What's the most important stuff moving forward? I feel like talking about the OD/SH/hospitalization/police incidents/etc is just going to reinforce that I am a bad person. But I still struggle with it every day. But they didn't help when I struggled with it every day before inpatient....

I know a lot of people write down important stuff to remember to bring it up, but I feel like I could fill a whole notebook.

[Victoria'smom]

How'd it go?

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

I feel hopeless. I want to die. There's no possible future that will be worth the past and present. My body is forever taken from me; my team doesn't get that, and doesn't want to try and understand. Here I am left damaged at best. Tomorrow they'll be betting if I'm the killer or the killed, or both. For any gram of help from me comes a kilogram of destruction. I won't tolerate their "help" either. Thorazine? Made my face twitch. Geodon? Couldn't pee. Seroquel? Can I hack my limbs off and cut the trunk in half instead? Can I do that instead of going on ANY of the meds they want? I won't hurt anyone after that, and it'll be less painful.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Muddy, did you say that clozaril helped you but the REMS mess made it not work for you? (I think this was you but I could be confused). If it is you REMS is going away. I forgot to ask when that happens when I spoke to my pdoc today but it is going to happen. So maybe that is hope for you?


I'm sorry it's so hard. I understand a little.

[MuddyBoots]

I don't care about when they do that. I'm not going to (probably wait another year for my pdoc to do it, or get another pdoc) trade too disorganized and emotion to function 80% of the time to too fat and sleepy to do anything decent 100% the time, only for at some point to go to the state hospital where they'll say "you're not schizophrenic. Clozaril is only for schizophrenics" and they'll put me on lithium and discharge me and I'll pee to death.

Ends in death, actually not the worst idea I've had today.

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I want to go home. I want to know what safe feels like. I want to know what love without fear feels like.

I don't even know what to do at this point.

[Victoria'smom]

My therapist wants to work on me feeling safe. I don't see it happening. I've been the monster and seen to many monsters to know anyone can be a monster at any time but she says it's a trauma thing. I'm sorry you never feel safe, it's tiring. There was a new med Cobenfy can you try that? There's so many things being studied right now. I have hope for you. Keep going please. You are cared about and loved.

[MuddyBoots]

I can try that. I can try cutting off my hand. I can try swimming in the Gulf of Maine on January 16th. I can try stuffing my ears with flour. Do I have any hope ANY of those will do jack? No.

Am I in black & white thinking mode? Yeah. Does that mean I'm wrong if I say my treatment team is absolute shyt and I'm never gonna make anything but more disasters these disorders are fffing shyt and this life is fffing **** and f ffff shshshshsttt.t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jesus im more sober when im drunk

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

My therapist wants to work on me feeling safe. I don't see it happening. I've been the monster and seen to many monsters to know anyone can be a monster at any time but she says it's a trauma thing. I'm sorry you never feel safe, it's tiring. There was a new med Cobenfy can you try that? There's so many things being studied right now. I have hope for you. Keep going please. You are cared about and loved.

Cobenfy is currently approved for Schizophrenia only. I imagine that it might be used off-label for Bipolar, though the cost must be severe with a drug so new, and therefore the pre-authorization arguing that Muddy needs to try this drug would have to be very well articulated.