My experience of bipolar

I am 20 and have been diagnosed with bipolar II. It is rapid cycling and I know bp II can't officially have mixed episodes according to the current version of the DSM, but my psychiatrist believes that I experience mixed episodes.

During my depressions, I am the most useless, unproductive person. It is not an extremely frightening phase of my disorder; its just that I get nothing done. I sleep throughout the day. When I'm awake, I can't think enough to focus and get my schoolwork done. I'm apathetic, I see myself being completely unproductive and I don't even care. I just try to pass the time, sleep it all away til I feel better... I am a completely useless person.

My experience is mostly depression and aggravated depression, which I consider the mixed phase. This is the scariest time - when my thoughts are racing, I'm panicked, I'm angry or terrified, I'm impulsive and suicidal, I engage in risky behaviors like terribly irresponsible driving and I self injure - punching, cutting, overdosing, mixing medications, you name it. Its terrifying, its when I'm most out of control, unable to function because I'm in an emotional frenzy, it feels like my emotions are screaming, I am at the mercy of my emotions and must calm them whatever way possible - which many times is through self harm.

But it is not all bad. Then there are the occasional hypomanic highs. Ideas come racing in, I am creative, I am productive, I find solutions and I carry them out, I find confidence in myself again and interact with people, I'm social again, I feel good. These times are so rare - although I think they've been increasing with my medication - but when I experience them, I sometimes feel like they are worth the suffering I endure other times. On the other hand, in my crazed suicidal panics I would give up anything to end the pain and think about it more and more each time I fall.

For me, bipolar is two things: a cycle of mood (positive or negative), and a cycle of energy (energetic or lethargic). But they don't seem to depend on each other so much as they interact with each other to produce different effects. Positive energy is my creative state, the enjoyable hypomania. If I'm feeling good but lethargic, its a rare state of calm that I don't usually enjoy. Negative energy becomes a terrifyingly agitated and self-destructive depression, and negative lethargy becomes the unproductive, good for nothing depressive state.

I don't really have a point to this post, I just wanted to share my experience with someone. Take from it what you will, or feel free to comment or share your own experiences. Thanks for listening.

I apreciate that you can open up about your experience here... I am saddened to read that you can sometimes enter a state in which you feel you are not in control of your thoughts to the point of suicidal or self-destructive behaviors, but I suppose you (and I) can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people experience similar symptoms. Everyone with bipolar has their own version of this, and it will take time for you to find the right meds and doctors.

I hope I can help to say that I have experienced many things similar to what you go through since I was diagnosed at 21. Three years later, things are very good. I am managing my bipolar well and it is a non-issue (kind of like annoying background elevator music).

I hope you find a way to get to that emotional and biochemical state that you desire. I am a true believer in finding enlightenment.