My Bipoar

i give up everything in my life is such a f**k up
if i cant live happy then y live at all

I told that myself COUNTLESS times.
My good friend told me: "You have everything to live for..." Which is true. There are reasons to live, no matter what.

Although sometimes when I'm getting triggered, I do think of that as well. But keep fighting, Jazz.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

i am feeling a little better my friend came and talked to me yesterday and i explained how him ignoring me was affecting the way i felt the urge to end my life has subsided i have found a guy who seems to have a genuine feeling for me so yeah life is on track again for now

today i feel absolutely gorgeos there is little doubt in my mind i am so happy

so bring it on world cuz i can handle it

last weekend

FRIDAY: i went to a party got drunk kissed every person at the party and mad out with one guy had alot of fun was on a mega high

SATURDAY: i got into an arguement with my exboyfriend and was close to hurting myself so i went to my grandmothers place to calm down. wen i got home mum yelled at me and i went off at her and told her i had bipolar

SUNDAY: went for driving lesson and was happy again but then my ex came around and mum got up me for not talking to him but she didnt give me a chance to so i was angry

MONDAY: happy and the world is a good place again.

hi all im going well today i am not happy but i am not sad i am sitting on borderline

got into fight with my mum and am moving out of home really soon if she doesnt star getting help cuz i cant handle it

guidence officer has given up on me oh well

LIFE GOES ON

feeling of suicide is subdued

Jazz, I have not been around much lately, dealing with the stuff that burdens each of us from day to day and time to time. I was feeling down, and you were one of the people who came to mind, so I decided I needed to check in. Be strong girl, you know you can. You have listened in the past when I needed to talk. Trust me, I am a good listener too, and am available if you need a shoulder to lean on. Do not hesitate to talk with me.

it finally happened my best friend is gone he didnt even say good bye and yet i am not sad i thought i would find it hard to cope with i cried when i first found out but now i dont care i guess it is easier to deal with now that he is not here cuz im not going to be trying so hard to spend time with him

is this selfish or what i dont know it has just left me feeling better not worse i thought i would fall apart when he left but i feel like i have been reinforced i dont really understand what is going on

feelings might change from day to day or hour to hour as you process everything Jazz, its good you're staying in touch here.. keep your eyes on the light ahead

Dear jazz,
have you seen a doctor/pdoc yet to be evaluated?
YOu have a lot of stressors going on right now.
So you have a therapist to help you sort through all of this?
bizi

Jazz
here is a link that may help
sorry things are so up and down
my thoughts are with you
you matter
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/bipolar/

Jazz, you are in our hearts and minds. Remember, we understand. I wrote this yesterday, trying to explain to a "normal" person what this crap feels like. often say that normal is boring, but sometimes I pray for a boring life. If this offends anyone, please feel free to ask a moderator to delete it.


Snow hides the glare of summer
Provides a place to hide
From the prying eyes of life
And the anguish so hard to abide

But the phantom drifts all melt away
By the blazing sun of the world real
And the blizzard haze proves to not obscure
Nor dull those things you wish not to feel

The silence becomes a friend
A warmness to the mind, a soothing song
An embrace through the night
A peace for which you long

Dark turns into an eternity
Stretching, haunting, with no rest
Thoughts race faster than in day’s light
With no sound to interrupt this nightly test

Elation, euphoria, pureness of joy
You can take on the world and make it yours
Your own to control, to have, to hold
Mountains, people, air, water and shores

But you can have none of it
It is only fiction, a myth, an illusion
The dream explodes, hammers your soul
And reveals itself as nothing but delusion

You find your self in the reality of others
Slow, stable, a well respected, steady pace
You can do this, what they tell you is right
This is how to pursue life, to win the chase

There is no hope, no future, no goals
You simply exist, try to survive the despair
You do as others say, with every ounce of strength
But the truth is you just really no longer care

The joy of helping others drives you
The one great purpose of life
To guide, to aid, to hold a hand in love
Shepherd through the hurdles and strife

But when will they appreciate you sacrifice
When will they recognize and thank your effort
Will you ever be afforded a turn in kind
Where and when do you get support

The medicines help to calm, to ease the swings
To level you mind and ease the pains
Talking and breathing techniques to relax
Slowly helps give progress and gains

It also bring fears of loss of control
Fear of losing track of who you want to be
We are not puppets, not someone else’s to mold
We want to control ourselves, to feel, to see

We did not ask for this, often we lose control
Quit acting like it is our fault, we are not to blame
They might mean well with their words
But sometimes they seem to think this a game

It is hard to explain to others
These are not just highs and lows
To those who have not experienced
This form of life’s mental blows.

Illness? I suppose.
Condition? Sure.
It is something far more though,
Sometimes a curse,
Sometimes an adventure,
A loss of control,
A loss of far more,
But it is also who I am.

dear gooseman,
I really like your poem!
may I post it to another site?
bizi

thanks guys the poem was good, the link was helpful and the support really means alot i dont know what i would do without u guys this site has really pulled me through

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bizi said:
dear gooseman,
I really like your poem!
may I post it to another site?
bizi

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No problem. My expressing myself in poems is one of the few things that came from my major break a few months ago. I'm 48, and honestly , the first piece of prose that I every wrote that was remotely readable was less than a year ago. I now find I can often express my feelings better that way than any other. My wife and I are separated, but after 24 years of marriage, she still cannot understand what I am going through. It was her I wrote it for. I shared it so that if it will help somebody else understand what this is like, a little piece of what we have to deal with, they could see it. It is not great, but I virtually never go back and revise or refine them. I am writing what I feel, not something to be prettied up later on. If you want to edit to put your own feelings into it, feel free to do so.

i dont get it im happy but i feel like crying i judt dont understand how i could be so messed up im trying to start fights at school which is something i wouldnt usually do my recent behaviour and reactions to the things that have been happening lately have completely thrown me out what is the go

Jazz,
you need to see a psychiatrist.
Ask your school counselor to help arrange this for you.
Only a doctor can diagnose you, a therapist can help you sort this all out.
You need help....so be smart and get some help.
bizi

i went to the doctor and he has made an appointment for me to see a psychologist to get a proper diagnosis so i am happy but worried at the same time

i redid the bipolar quiz and even though i feel better i still scored 60 so am i even getting better or r things unchanging

This is a great start!!!
so happy to hear this, when can they see you?
ARe you seeing a psychiatrist(pdoc) too?
a psychologist does counseling they can not prescribe medications for you. only a pdoc can do that.
bizi

To me, except over longer periods of time, your score will, and should not change much. It should not be measuring your mood, it should be measuring your deeper attitudes and core feelings, and good tests will do this if you answer from you real beliefs, not being effected by your current up or down. An especially good test will even be able to decode your current position by balancing out "high" questions with "low" questions so that you end up coming our with about the same score either way. Your current mood does not define you as BP or not BP. Also remember, many of the different conditions overlap. The "sanity score" test, for example, combines the many different tests. If you test high on one, you may test high on half of them.

I for instance test high on probably most of the tests. Even though I have more than one condition, I do not have all of them. I am BP I, I am GAD, I do have Social Phobia, I might be BPD, my docs don't care on that one as the other treatments will cover that as well. The sanity test claimed Coping, Depression, Anxiety, Phobias (multiple), Self Esteem issues, Schizophrenia, Dissociation, Mania, Relationship Issues, Physical Issues, Technology Issues, OCD, PTS, BPD. That means I should be tested one-on-one for those issues, not that I have them.

A good Doc will ask the same questions over and over, in different ways. My first one did not, they only asked the standard questions and everyone knows how to answer those. They said I "only" had GAD. The second asked the questions more subtly. After I said no to risky sexual behavior for instance, then she went into my specific thoughts and behaviors. The answer then became yes. She did not hesitate to declare me BP, and throw out the OCD that the first Doc and tests say. The tests are just for screening though.

Hi, Jazz. That low spot and feeling of resignation are excruciating. I've was there in varying depths for years. Four psychiatrists, two hospital stays and about a thousand AA meetings later, I am out of that ooze and dealing with what I consider normal problems.
Giving up is OK and actually helpful if it means giving in to sound medical advice and letting go of old thought patterns.
Please look forward to your doctor appointment without too much attachment to habitual beliefs.
If anyone sees unwise stuff in my suggestions, please point it out. We all want to see you feel better.

im still happy
posting my song opened a window for me and things hav only got better from there i got a B for my IPT assignment when i wrote a report that was not relevent to the topic and i still got a B omg

If I may ask, whens your appt to see the psychologist?

on the 19th of june i am seeing a psychologist