[fraction]

Every day I've cried more then once. Every day I have broken down into an uncontrollable state.

I am not on medication right now.

I don't even know if I am bipolar anymore. I do not ever remember being this bad.

I was diagnosed as bipolar, anxiety and they said I may have a.d.d.

Either way I think I was diagnosed as the one which has high ups and low downs. I do not even know if that can be said is true... For the past year I've fallen deeper and deeper into a depressed state. I rarely will be "extremely" happy. I rarely am happy. I constantly feel alone, afraid and many other emotions.

I have so much to write but I don't know where to begin and do not know what would be "too much" to write.

I am not on medication because I didn't like taking 12 pills or more a day and 6 different types of medication at all hours of the day. I really don't want to live that way. If it was one or two pills I'd feel better. I feel it's ridiculous the amount they wanted me to take.

I'm pregnant at the moment. I am 4 months. I am alone. The guy I was involved with was "poly" - Sleeps with multiple women and has relationships with multiple people. I am 100% monogamous... That whole situation is messy. Trying to talk to him usually results in fights.

Any time I tried to be with a "nice" guy I got rejected. I have always had problems with having anyone want to be with me in a relationship or long term even though I am 100% monogamous in relationships. Any guys who actually did like me and told me recently stopped talking to me and said they were no longer interested when they found out I was pregnant. I heard about half of them tell me to go have an abortion and then we can go out...

I used to sleep around alot when I was younger with multiple people. I did to be liked. I never did it because I enjoyed it because I don't think I ever did enjoy it. I usually felt worst after I did it.

I constantly am getting suicidal thoughts all the time. I know I am pregnant and I want the baby to live. I just keep hoping I could die and it could live. I keep hoping that when it's born I can go die. I want to raise the kid but with everything in my life I've failed at. And I wouldn't want to fail my own kid.

I have not lived at home since I was 15. I was beat up and made fun of my whole school life. I had death threats on me and my family. I've been running away all that time from everything. I just moved home (I am 23) because I found out I was pregnant.

I have been used for money. I trust the wrong people and lent out money...

I went to school for things to make others happy and quit.

I'm in debt.

I've been told I've always been like this my whole life. Even as a child I was "off". I apparently had temper tantrums all the time. Apparently I also cried all the time. I was very sensitive and hated change. I've just had enough to be honest.

I have daydreams of waking up and discovering my whole life was a dream or that I have been reincarnated into another life.

I really do like myself because I am extremely honest and nice. But I find it's my downfall too.

I have no motivation to do anything. I barely talk to anyone anymore except a few people online. I don't know how to make friends anymore or how to maintain them except the few I have right now.

I have appointments set up with mental health, one to help with debt, and everything else.

I feel like a failure especially to my family.

I really wish I could of been born normal.

I don't even know if I am bipolar... It seems like something else or maybe I have more things wrong with me.

[purplebutterfly]

((((Fraction))))

I want to say more but I am not strong enough today, please keep your chin up and welcome to PC- we are a very caring group.

[fraction]

Thank you!

My friend recommended this site to me which I am thankful for. (One of my few friends)

I won't lie but I been avoiding to come to this site just because I've been hoping what I feel would just go away. But every day it gets worst so I finally signed up today.

I hope you feel better today.

I wouldn't worry about a specific diagnosis. You are in extreme distress & need some support so it is good you have some appts. with mental health professionals. You have a lot to deal with, but you can make it through this & have a good quality of life. Keep seeking healing & health.--Suzy

[Clandestine]

Hey Fraction, I suggest you continue seeking medical help especially that you're in a delicate situation right now with your pregnancy.

Is your family being supportive of you? I hope so.

Most people who have gone through A LOT in their lives, have those suicidal thoughts every now and then. The important thing is to know that you have to battle them. ;]

I think the most important thing right now is for you to be healthy, for the baby and yourself too. ;] Be strong. You can do it.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

[fraction]

I am keeping on the mental help. It just seems like the wait time is far too long. I know when they had me in the first time they said "You don't seem depressed". It was because I was smiling and laughing. It's what I do around people I don't know or if I'm in a social setting. I try to put on a strong face. They said they are still waiting to get a testing session in. I'm hoping that maybe they could do a brain scan or something... I don't know. I really just want to know what's going on in my head. Psychology interests me.

My family is supportive of me. But I can see it in my mom and dad's eyes some times that they feel disapointed. I'm not where they wanted. I am not who I should of been. They do love me. They just want me to be happy but I feel I let them down. My mom got really upset a few days ago because I've been depressed and she told me she is sick and tired of the "DARKNESS". I finally talked to her almost crying and explaining that if I could be happy I would. I explained how I felt. She said she was sorry but it was stressful. I know it must be... Which is why I hate being here stressing out my family. I seem to be too much to the people who care about me. My family really wants me on my feet. I want to too. But I feel so discouraged right now.

I've been trying to remain okay but mainly I've been in a weird mood lately. Close to panic attacks (or I had them) and crying.

I talked to my ex today. We are getting along but that lasts for about 3 days. He is still sleeping with multiple women and that's not going to change. He says he wants to marry me but he doesn't want to stop sleeping around till he is 40 or something... In one positive he seems to be dealing well with my pregnancy now. He said he would leave the baby up to me and I could teach him how to raise a kid. He said I would be a great mother. I've never had a kid so I think him and I should learn together. I just really fear things... I want us to work together so much. But for most things I put in 100% or meet half way while he won't even do that. I hope he will here.

I still have no motivation for anything. I've been playing video games day in and out. I have no motivation to do any of my talents (I haven't for a long time). I keep telling myself to do them and made a to-do list but I still can't give myself the push to get going.

[fraction]

I thought I could handle everything but it is getting worst per day... With the rate things are going I'm going to end up in the hospital in the psych ward.

I'm afraid that if I get admitted (and I would if they saw how I have been) would they decide that I couldn't keep this child and social services take it? Then I think I about that then I get more upset at myself for being like this.

I've hit the point of breaking things and screaming. I break things so I don't hurt myself. I just don't know what to do with myself. I just want the emotional pain to stop.

I've tried everything to be sane like exercising and everything but everything is just masking the reality of things... Once I realize reality I get so upset again.

[fraction]

Well... I am now in a state of numbness.

What brings on my upsets is usually someone I care for usually ends up lying to me or some other such thing... :/

I'm starting to think I may have to really disassociate more with people. :/

[MyBestKids2]

I am so sorry you have SO MUCH on your plate. Even though you are pregnant, there are safe therapies and such that can ease your mood. Maybe you'll consider seeing a professional again!

Take care,
Dee

[fraction]

Well... I'm trying to see someone now but they take awhile to get back to actually have an appointment. It could take months. :/