[Bellax3]

I'm thinking about finally going to the school psych about being bipolar. The reason I haven't done so yet is that I don't have a doubt as to the fact that I am bipolar (As unbelievable as it sounds) and I really don't want to start the whole circle of diagnosis, medication, etc etc. I know this is something I'm going to ahve to deal with for the rest of my LIFE and that just scares the living daylights out of me. I wrote a bit more about it in my new livejournal,

http://x3bella-x3.livejournal.com/

Please read, and let me know what you think. Do you have any advice, or experience with this sort of thing? I know teens think they are bipolar all the time, and I know most of the time its just hormones, but I know its more then that with me, because I can remember certain things from my childhood (such as being under 9 years old and wanting to jump in front of a subway, or pulling all nighters due to having "the giggles" at 10) but these incidents are a blur, as well as ( I think ) few and far between. At 13 things spiraled out of control, and I thought I had a split personality until someone on the net said I sounded like I might be exhibiting some signs of bipolar disorder, so I read up on it, and felt like I was reading a book about myself, like someone had magically put everything I had been feeling into organized words. It was an incredible feeling reading pages upon pages of information,that I felt were tailored to me. That was 3 years ago. I believe I have BP II with rapid cycling.

Any thoughts?

[Jifiner]

I was diagnosed at 16 and have been through hell the past 16 years. I am a high school teacher, and unless your school is way different from any I've ever been to, the counselors aren't there to help you with problems like that. I read your blog entries and I am wondering is there anyone else who could help you? Personally, I have found that most people do not want to talk about bipolar issues - not family, friends, or strangers. It can be very frustrating at such a young age. I have been on and off many meds over the past 16 years and right now I am med free and have been for almost 3 years. Most people will tell you that a "real" bipolar person cannot stay off meds and be "normal" but the meds seemed to make me worse. My advice is to mention it to someone who really could help, maybe parents or other close family or friends. My parents were not supportive and I think that made things even worse for me as an adult. I do not have many people that I trust and it can be very lonely. As long as you are not suicidal, the cycling you describe could also be part of being a teenager. However, if your rages/depression/mania get worse, it can be devastating. Please get help from someone, but don't be disappointed if the first, second or hundredth person doesn't or won't help you. Keep trying and don't give up.

[Bellax3]

Thanks,

Yeah, we have a lot of resources at my school, thankfully. We have 2 school social workers, like 8ish school guidence counselors, and even two school psycologist. I go to a huge school, so I am lucky to have many resources, the reason the reason I haven't gone, is that I'm just too scared to. . . I know that once this is done, its for life. That scares me to death. I haven't been suicidal in a while, but I do get suicidal. I always remember a time that I spent the day with my family at a local amusement park, and we were there from 12 noon to 7pm, but I wanted to stay until closing, and I couldn't, I acted like a child, but everyone else was tired, so I had no choice. My 4yr old cousin was with us too, so I had the stroller. I remember being incredibly suicidal. I just wanted to dissapear forever. I took the stroller and walked out of the park, and I just kept walking. People behind me were talking about how childish I was acting, and how selfish and spoiled I was. The parking lot is really big, so it was a long walk down a straight path, and I just kept walking, and I closed my eyes and pretended that if I kept walking, then the earth would swollow me whole. I remember gripping the stroller so hard my knuckles were white, and my arms shook. I remember my little cousin running to keep up, and in that genuine little girl voice going "Are you okay? Wait for me! Whats wrong?"
Its been quite a while since I've been suicidal, and anytime I get that way, I lock my door, go in my room, curl under the covers, and try to just dissapear. One good thing about rapid cycling- I'm usually not depressed long enough to actually make a valid suicide attempt. I remember this past december, i started tracking my moods and on the 15th, I went from extremely suicidal, to off the walls, racing thoughts hypomanic.

I never really thought too much about what would happen if no one took me seriously. I've thought about people not believing me, of assuming I'm just another regular teen, but I always felt that once I began to explain my symptoms in detail, then I'd be taken seriously. I don't know. I'm scared to go, I don't want my life to change. I mean, I dont want the moodswings, of course, but I don't want anything else to change. I"m just...stuck.