i went to the doctor tonight. i just couldnt take the mood swings anymore. i didnt even have to tell him that i thought i might be bipolar, he figured it out on his own. i almost started to cry (and i never cry in front of anyone) so many different feeling rushed though me. it was such a relief to be understood! but such a dissapointment... i was clinging to the hope that i was okay, that this was going to pass and nothing was wrong with me. my comfy blankey of denial has been ripped from my grasp. I am so sad. i dont want to be bipolar!!

[sqrlb8]

Aw, 'locks, I'm sorry, I mean, I sure know the feeling of loss it is to finally embrace this idea that your psychiatric order sets you apart from a world you are still so enamoured of. But thats all i have in the pity party department I'm afraid. The reality is never as bad as the anticipation of it, and that's as true for this as anything else.

You may soon find that simply knowing affords you a measure of comfort and safety from your own condemnation of yourself. I know I used to get so frustrated and down on myself for what I imagined to be some horrible lack of character or plain fickleness.

The greatest gift has been to so learn the difference between how I feel and who I am. Lol, that seems to be my main theme in these posts, what can I say. It's just become so key to survival for me.

'locks, you will undoubtedly be offered a dizzying array of pills to address this. I'd like to pretend to a level of neutrality on this issue, but instead I'll simply say that my experience has lead me to become hesitant and suspicious about any drug. There isn't one that will likely put you back right, or solve the problem decisively. Instead, it seems that a struggle between self realization and medication is more real. You can't kid yourself that you're "fine" and you can't kid yourself that all you can do is take the meds either.

This is a good place to research meds and anecdotal experiences of many people. Just as good to comparee notes on all the other aspects of navigation through the morass that is the mental health world.

My guess is you'll like knowing you're bipolar more than not knowing. Glad you're here. Undoubtedly, we'll talk more.

peace

[darkeyes]

I'm sorry the truth is hurting right now, I went through that, but with meds you can live a so called normal life, I also learned it is not the end of the world, the more you learn about it and work with your pdoc, it will get better, you'll accept it and as time goes on you will focus less on it and see there are things in life that can be beautiful.
In fact you can learn useful tools that can help channel some of this into something productive.
Okay, I am just sharing my experience, not knowing if this applies to all Bipolars, but being compliant with meds and therapy has changed my life for the better and I hope it will for others here.
Alright I'll stop my ramblings, and send you good wishes for luck with this.
Please take care now,

DE

[apislily]

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was hesitant to accept the diagnosis. When I expressed doubts to my psychiatrist, she told me that this was a common issue among people diagnosed with bipolar disorder: being diagnosed with clinical depression is okay because it is an "acceptable" illness--the public knows something about depression. Many people think that bipolar equals "crazy," and are hesitant to take on this label. In reality, there is much in common between the two illnesses and one is not more or less acceptable than the others.

If you are hesitant about taking meds, let your doctor know so he/she can start you out slowly. Some doctors like to throw drugs at you, but most will respect your caution. Was it you whose doctor prescribed depakote? That's a fairly common first choice because it (in theory, at least) works fairly quickly. You might feel more comfortable if you can keep in contact with your doc so you can report any bothersome side effects.

Good luck.

-apislily

[darkeyes]

I think you meant this reply for the original poster, if you want to reply to a poster, you just need to click their post/reply section. I only mention this cause some people aren't aware how this works, I use to do that when I first came here and was learning how to communicate on our computer here in my 3D world.

Thanks,
DE

[Rebound]

Thanks for pointing that out, I've been doing the same ever since I got here. Duh!

yes, my doctor prescribed the depakote. i felt so close to him though when he understood my problem, he told me that his son has bipolar, and that it was hard for him to see it cuz he was so close to him. he understood how i have been pretending to be okay all this time cuz i didnt want to let the crazyness show. at that moment i trusted him completely. he prescibed only 500 mg a day, cuz of the side effects. why dont i trust him now, if he would prescribe this to his own son?! its funny too cuz when i told a friend today about the diagnonsense... sorry, diagnosis, he was like "ya, and?!" he said he already knew.... wtf?! i thought i was playing it off so well! guess it is hard to see the problem when the problem lies in your own mind.

[Malady156]

cottoncandylocks, I've been dx'd with severe bipolar I myself, and I'm on Depakote, at 750mg. Been on it only a short time, almost 4 weeks. I started at 500mg like you, for the first 2 weeks. It's starting to help somewhat now, but I still have intermittent insomnia. I'm a rapid cycler with mixed states, and pdoc said Depakote was supposed to be a good treatment for mixed states. It has helped those a lot, though it could be better. I go back Tuesday to get my blood levels drawn again ...

[apislily]

Thanks Darkeyes. Since this forum isn't set up with indented sub-threads I didn't know this mattered. I'll stop being lazy and click the right poster instead of using the quick reply at the bottom of the page lol.

-apislily

thanks, good info. i too have mixed states. maybe that is why he prescribed it? the mixed are pretty miserable arent they? but, um you said blood tests.... why blood tests? and why didnt the dr say i needed this. well i guess its my own negligence, i was supposed to go see a psychiatrist the day after i got the prescription, but i never went.
perhaps self medication can be dangerous?!

[Malady156]

cclocks, yes, you should go to the psychiatrist. my pdoc that prescribed the depakote got bloodwork done on me first to rule out a number of physical causes that can present with similar symptoms and now i am getting the levels of depakote periodically checked in my blood to see when it gets to therapeutic level. at 500 mg the level was too low so he upped the dosage to 750 mg and now that i've been at 750 mg for 2 weeks they will check the levels when I see him on Tuesday.

yeah i agree, mixed states are total misery!!!

ya, i have had all the blood tests to rule out other stuff, they checked my thyroid levels, checked for mold exposure even, as that can cause depression.... everything checked out fine.....

[Malady156]

yup, that sounds about right. the only other bloodwork you need now is to periodically check your serum depakote levels to see when you hit a therapeutic level, and I think they are supposed to keep periodic tabs on your liver functions as well to make sure the drug is not causing any adverse reactions there.

[Rebound]

Incidentally, just my 2 cents, yeah, mixed episodes suck donkey ****.